I want it to be over soo badly

[muddleup]

but thats never going to happen,
I'm not allowed,
have to stay for the Kids they tell me,
doesnt matter that as each day goes by I resent them more and more for making me stay, making me have to breath.

It wont always be this bad, so I'm told, well 18 years later I'm still taking tablets that might as well be smarties for all the good they do.

I sound such a heartless Bitch but I'm not I promise you I do love my kids but I hurt so much, am so tired, I cant cope with anything.
they deserve soo much better than I can give them, they dont need a mad mum, they dont need to be telling me I need to go to bed because they see I'm not coping, I'm messing them up,
I'm sorry

[amillionyears]

You havent come back on here today.
Hope you have had a better day than yesterday.

[noraa]

sorry for your situation :(
have you tried buoprion?
its a diffrent category ad.
hope you get better.

[Halfling]

Why do you want to leave? What has your psyciatrist and crisis team been telling you?

Come back and talk to us muddle.

[whiteandyelloworchid]

hope your ok or as ok as you can be muddle

thinking of you

[muddleup]

If I wasn't here anymore how would they tell my kids?
Would they tell them I didn't love them enough to stay or would they tell them I loved them too much to hurt them anymore by staying feeling like this?
My friends it wouldn't matter what they were told and my family would be relieved that the dirty little tramp got what she deserved and was dead.

[amillionyears]

So glad you are back on here muddleup.

I dont know you or your family.
But from what little you have said, I am pretty sure your children would be told that their mum loved them a great deal indeed. That she was ill, and got a bit muddled, and couldnt see her way through right then.

Do you want to say a little about what has happened in your life, particularly about your parents or siblings?

[whiteandyelloworchid]

hi muddle up

i think it would be more about how your children felt themselves rather than what people may or maynot say iyswim

i know one of my best friends her dad killed himself and she feels very rejected and angry
and feels liek she wasnt enough for him
then she feel guilty and thats she couldnt stop him and also guilty that shes angry with him

its a whole load of really negative emotions to leave someone you love with

i 100% believe theres a way you can feel better, with the right help and medication etc
please please do not kill yourself please do not do that to your dc
please call 999 if need be to get the help asap

there is help out there, you can feel better

if you want you can try and talk to us all on here about whats making you feel so sad we can try and help

[whiteandyelloworchid]

and dont forget you can give your children something noone else can, a mothers love
which really love is the most important thing above all else really when it comes down to it

[CuriousMama]

You deserve a life, not just for your dcs but for you. Don't let others opinion hurt you anymore. If anyone has judged you then are they human too? We all do things that we may regret? Maybe I read it wrong but sounds as if your family calling you names means they've judged you? Are they perfect? No, because non of us are. Deep down feelings can really do a lot of harm. You should try to get help and get them out, you may think they're all out but they most likely won't be? Once you can sort out what's gone on, in your own head, then you can start to heal. Be kind to yourself. You are a good person. You wouldn't care about anyone else if not. Please please try to move on from this day and go forward. Every small step is one step towards joy. You deserve this.

When is your appointment with your GP? We'll all hold your hand xx

[whiteandyelloworchid]

i agree with cm, you also deserve to be happy for youself too.

[muddleup]

My mum and dad aren't nice people, they did bad things, my sisters they could do no wrong, they were good girls, I was a bad girl and they hurt me.
I never get it right

[noraa]

i think there are a few threads on mn about famillies like yours.
if you read them it can help you.
if you are not happy with your family do you have to see them?
dont waste your life because of them.
because of them yr children may lose their mum, does it worth it?
hope you will get better soon :(

[amillionyears]

I thought it was probably something like that, muddleup. and .

I also suspect you were not the "bad" girl at all. I suspect you were probably in the right more often than any of them.

I also suspect you have got it right since having children, many many times over.

[CuriousMama]

Muddleup thank God they didn't have me as a dd! I was a twat!

But now I know better I do better. Or at least try to

I hope you can see some brightness in your days,soon? x