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Original poster

I want it to be over soo badly

39 replies

muddleup · 16/11/2012 19:35

but thats never going to happen,
I'm not allowed,
have to stay for the Kids they tell me,
doesnt matter that as each day goes by I resent them more and more for making me stay, making me have to breath.

It wont always be this bad, so I'm told, well 18 years later I'm still taking tablets that might as well be smarties for all the good they do.

I sound such a heartless Bitch but I'm not I promise you I do love my kids but I hurt so much, am so tired, I cant cope with anything.
they deserve soo much better than I can give them, they dont need a mad mum, they dont need to be telling me I need to go to bed because they see I'm not coping, I'm messing them up,
I'm sorry Sad

OP posts:
amillionyears · 16/11/2012 22:09

Have you always felt like this?
How old is your youngest child?
Do they all live at home with you?

NanaNina · 16/11/2012 22:38

Can you give us a bit more detail on what is happening. Sounds like you are depressed - you are not a mad mum. I think you are a mum who is struggling really hard to cope at the moment and need some help. The meds you are taking clearly aren't helping, so you need to get something else that will help. Maybe you need a "talking therapy" - it's hard to know when we know so little about your situation.

And your children would not be better off without you - depression makes us feel things like this, but it is the depression "talking" to us and making us believe things about ourselves that aren't true.

There is a lot of support on these threads, so come and tell us more.

Original poster
muddleup · 17/11/2012 18:29

I have a Cpn and a Pyschologist but the psychologist has been off sick for 8 weeks and I'm really struggling without her, my cpn is ok but I dont have the same relationship with her as i do with pyschologist.

The crisis team phoned me today but I dont know if I made it clear enough to them what was going through my head or if I got it wrong again.

My youngest is 12 and they all live at home just now.

My meds haven't worked well for a while but I've had soo many changed of psychiatrists this year that no one wanted to do anything with them untli a permanent one was found which they have now done, I am due to see her next month.

I have bought most of the kids christmas so if im not here then at least they will have gotten something from me and it might not seem that bad for them.

I dont know how to do this anymore

OP posts:
amillionyears · 17/11/2012 19:00

I agree with everything NanaNina said.

What did the crisis team say today? Sorry,I dont know anything about them, so someone else will hopefully come along very soon on here, to help you with that bit.

Have you any adults in rl that you can talk to about this right now?

NanaNina · 17/11/2012 19:05

It's a pity that your psychologist has been off sick for so long as she sounds like she was a good support for you. Have you any idea how long she is off for. However you have a permanent psychiatrist who you are due to see next month and hopefully she will be able to get your meds sorted. Very often as you know I'm sure, meds don't work and sometimes the dose has to be altered or the meds themselves, or a "mix and match" of meds. I have a close friend who has suffered chronic depression but able to "function" for some years and it is only since the psychiatrist added something to the meds that she was on that she has felt the benefits.

When the crisis team phoned you today, you said you didn't think you made it clear what was going through your head and I am assuming that you mean suicide. I'm sure you know about suicide ideation, when we don't want to die, but we want the pain to end - to not be here any more, but at the same time will almost certainly not attempt suicide. On the other hand people with severe depression do commit suicide and this is why it should always be taken seriously.

Speak to the crisis team on Monday and tell them exactly what is going through your head.

Do you honestly believe that your kids will be OK because they have presents from you, but not you? I don't think you do. I do understand totally the feeling of not wanting to be here and thinking our loved ones would be better off without us but, it's not true, it's the depression talking to us.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are.........

Original poster
muddleup · 17/11/2012 19:20

They told me to go and have a cup of tea, that my kids love me and i need to focus on that.
There is no one in rl that I can talk to, not just now anyway, spoke to my friend a bit last night on the phone but couldnt say what was going through my head, what I wanted to do, what i was feeling, it didn't seem fair on her.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 17/11/2012 19:41

Most friends would want to help a fellow friend. If you can, I think it would be a good idea to ring her.

Original poster
muddleup · 17/11/2012 20:02

they are all out tonight, there isnt anyone, once the kids are in bed I will try phoning Breathing space but I dont think I'm fixable, I'm too broken :(

OP posts:
amillionyears · 17/11/2012 20:46

I do not believe that anyone is too broken.
I googled Breathing space as never heard of it.
Yes, good idea to ring them.

Goonatic · 17/11/2012 20:55

muddle please accept a massive, hard, squeeze ((((((hug)))))) from me. You sound like you kind of want to be sorted, do you know when your psychologist is back? I think you need some more support from your crisis team. Can you call them now?

If your youngest is 12 then you must have spent a good many years raising your children fantastically well.
No one is perfect, you can't be the perfect mother but from what you have said I get the impression you have done really well, but you need to continue doing well, don't leave your children, they need you, no matter what.

Please call someone who understands. Again, (((((hug)))))

Original poster
muddleup · 17/11/2012 21:08

I dont know when she's back, shes been off since the beginning of October.
The crisis team here finish at 5.30 at the weekend, so cant call them back now until tomorrow.
I dont have anything left in me, I'm physically drained from everything, I want to close my eyes and never open them again

OP posts:
Ragwort · 17/11/2012 21:14

Can you call the Samaritans, just to have someone to talk to?

You have more than one child, that is a tremendous achievement, I struggle with one despite a (very) comfortable home, supportive husband, no financial worries.

Please don't give up, a friend took his own life recently, left two children in their early teens, they are utterly devasted.

You will have many friends on mumsnet thinking of you (praying for you) and wishing you well.

Goonatic · 17/11/2012 21:17

Ok muddle, here's the plan. Go to bed, read a book, try to hold on, you can call the crisis team ASAP in the morning and they will know what to do to make you feel like you have some hope and a chance at getting some happiness back.

It will be do-able. Please hang in there. I only know about PND, and I know how soulless it feels but I am ok now and I think you can be too.

Goonatic · 17/11/2012 21:18

Where are you by the way?

amillionyears · 17/11/2012 21:23

Lets deal with today.
Have you phoned Breathing Space?
Or if you would like to have a little rest for a while, that is ok too.

Original poster
muddleup · 17/11/2012 21:41

I'm in Scotland,
I dont want to leave my kids but it feels like I have no choice, feels like everything I touch I taint, make wrong, if I wasn't here then they would be ok.
I keep getting it wrong, I see everything in my head that I need to say but when it comes time to say it it comes out a garbled mess that doesnt make sense, even trying to write it down doesnt help its still a mixed up mess.

I dont know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
muddleup · 17/11/2012 21:46

The kids are still up, have no idea if my oldest is coming home tonight or not so I'm going to go and shut myself in my room and try and phone Breathing space.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 17/11/2012 21:50

You are making sense to me.

Would it help to say on here what you think you have tainted or got a bit wrong. You may not have got it wrong, or if you have, everyone gets things a bit wrong sometimes.

Like NanaNina says,depression can make people think things that are not actually very true.

amillionyears · 17/11/2012 21:51

x post.

Good idea to ring Breathing space while you have the chance to.

Goonatic · 17/11/2012 21:57

Good plan, give them a ring.
Your kids will adore you for who you are. They probably have no idea you feel this way and would do anything to help you if they knew you were thinking the way you are. They would not be ok if you were not here.

Sometimes it is really hard to say the right thing, I find myself saying things I know are really stupid, because I feel awkward or am not sure what to say, it might be worse in your head than it sounds out loud?

Do you have a partner in rl who can help you? Or parents?

You are closer to being able to call the crisis team, but million is right, can we help you a bit more now?

StandYourGround · 17/11/2012 22:38

Another here from me muddleup.

I remember feeling very much just the way you describe. It can and will get better, honey, hold on.

Goonatic · 17/11/2012 23:13

Am going to bed but will check on this thread tomorrow to see how you are muddle x

MysticMugBug · 17/11/2012 23:20

I have an anxiety disorder and take sertraline tabs. They help so much.
The fact that you want your children to be happy and are the best you can for them makes you a good mum.
Well done, i know exactly how hard it can be. I hope you get some help soon xxxx

Goonatic · 18/11/2012 10:54

How are you this morning muddle?

amillionyears · 18/11/2012 15:45

Hi muddleup.
Were you able to ring Breathing space. I hope they were of some use to you.

Have you been able to ring the crisis team also?
I hope they are more use to you than they appeared to be before.