I hate myself.............

[ChampagneandNappies]

I know you probably will all think oh stop whinging woman - because that's all I seem to do BUT I have just yelled at my 2 little ones and told them to shut up or I will take them to live with a horrible person and I will never see them again. Now I feel bloody bloody awful but I cannot cope with them right now. I am 3500 miles from home and hating it, I am in the process of really thinking whether or not I want to stay married to the father of my babies, and I am feeling rather f*ing useless. I have no control in my life, over anything - I had an eating disorder for 14 years which was my only control and now I know I am on the verge of cracking again. I have been 'good' for 4 years. Pathetic really isn't it. My baby (number 3)is 7 months old, and an angel. She is so good at everything, so I can't say it is because she doesn't sleep/eat etc - she does. Before I left the UK to come back here with the baby, my HV told me not to bother with completing the 'drepession' form because we wouldn't be around and there was nothing she could do about it anyway. I just want to hibernate and be on my own. I am always fighting with the boys and the little one only ever here's me scream and shout. God knows what that is psychologically doing to her. If I leave here to move back to the UK it would mean that the kids wouldn't see their father and I would be in real trouble trying to cope on my own. I am 33 - and feeling like my life is disappearing around me. Should I forsake my happiness so that the kids grow up with their father?? SHould I be selfish for once and do something I want to do? Should I just disappear and be unhappy on my own?

I think you probably are quite depressed C&N and you need to get some help & support of some sort. Your circumstances are probably just exacerbating everything.

When were you next due to come home to see family? Could you bring a trip forward? You could use the excuse for researching schools etc.

Whatever you do, don;t stop posting on here.

are you due home soon? get a doctors appointment while lyou are over here and stay a whilelonger if you need to .

Also my sil made things easier for herslef by returning home regualarly. It really worked for her

C&N was it you on the drinking thread that time? Are you still drinking a lot, I only ask because alcohol does make you depressed, have you tried stopping that for a while?

CD - yes it was me. And do you know, since I started that I really took a long hard look at what I was doing. A couple of factors helped me to sort it out - a friend was talking about an alcoholic who after one glass would be drunk - that's how I used to feel, and still do. The other was the liver failure thing. Somebody on MN talked of liver failure and it suddenly made me listen.

I am not drinking half as much. Maybe 3 times a week I have had ONE glass of wine. I was out on Monday evening and had 2 glasses of champagne before dinner, water during dinner, and an Espresso! OK so tonight might be acomplete and utter disaster with all that's happening but I have to deal with that later. Due to the reduced intake of alcohol I have noticed a change in my physical wellbeing.

Unfortunately CD, drinking for me was/is a way to numb the crap! Anything bad happens - have a drink. I am trying to sort it out though. I am just a hopeless person who needs a crutch in life. I do remember that you made a few valid points on that thread so thank you.

WOW
That is impressive

Hope you feel better soon

c&n is there no way that you could come back to the uk for a "short break"!!!. It sounds as though it would do you both good, give him time to realise how important you are to him, and to give you a clearer picture of how you feel about him and your relationship? How are you ever supposed to cope rationally in a foreign country feeling so alone? I know it is easier said than done, but if he values you at all he should understand that you need to feel loved and cared for. If he is unable to show those feelings towards you, then come back home to people who can. Your children are the ones that love you the most, and to leave them behind would ultimatley destroy them and you, you do not deserve that and neither do they. I really hope you can find the strength to talk to him, and make him see that you need a well earned break.