I hate myself.............

[ChampagneandNappies]

I know you probably will all think oh stop whinging woman - because that's all I seem to do BUT I have just yelled at my 2 little ones and told them to shut up or I will take them to live with a horrible person and I will never see them again. Now I feel bloody bloody awful but I cannot cope with them right now. I am 3500 miles from home and hating it, I am in the process of really thinking whether or not I want to stay married to the father of my babies, and I am feeling rather f*ing useless. I have no control in my life, over anything - I had an eating disorder for 14 years which was my only control and now I know I am on the verge of cracking again. I have been 'good' for 4 years. Pathetic really isn't it. My baby (number 3)is 7 months old, and an angel. She is so good at everything, so I can't say it is because she doesn't sleep/eat etc - she does. Before I left the UK to come back here with the baby, my HV told me not to bother with completing the 'drepession' form because we wouldn't be around and there was nothing she could do about it anyway. I just want to hibernate and be on my own. I am always fighting with the boys and the little one only ever here's me scream and shout. God knows what that is psychologically doing to her. If I leave here to move back to the UK it would mean that the kids wouldn't see their father and I would be in real trouble trying to cope on my own. I am 33 - and feeling like my life is disappearing around me. Should I forsake my happiness so that the kids grow up with their father?? SHould I be selfish for once and do something I want to do? Should I just disappear and be unhappy on my own?

I guess I was asking for silence.

My thoughts are with you. I know what it's like to be thousands of miles away from 'home' (which is also the UK for me.)Problems magnify!
Can you go visit a Dr where you are about ads?
Are you able to confide in your partner, sounds like you need some ME time and SOON!
Whatever you do, you need to be able to think clearly. I once or twice threw the comment to my husband he can have everything and I will walk away inc. our lovely child :-( It was a knee jerk reaction to trying to cope and what drove me to the Dr was walking the streets pushing the pushchair crying. You owe it to yourself and the little ones to look after yourself (expect you know this already) Depression is horrid, and I really think you need to deal with this.. disappearing on your own is NOT the answer. I promise.
x

CadnN

Sorry you are having such a rotten time.

I would put off making decsions while you are feeling so low.

I would get yee to the docs and have a chat about your depression first and foremost.

Do you have any money? can yu get some help? three kids can be a handful.

I cant give much advice except a happy mummy equals happy children, i left the security of my own house and money. And can honestly say i have never looked back. Why are you unhappy in your marriage? Don't throw a good marriage away if it's depression, there is help available to you

I am sorry you are feeling so low.

I think you may have PND do you? This may be why you are shouting at your kids & feleing the way you are, i know what you mean by wanting to hide away i was feeling like this but things seem to have picked up a bit.

Can you go & see a doctor where you are now? Do you talk to your partner about the way you are feeling?

Meant to ask where abouts in the world you are based?

Your post must have fallen off active convos pretty quickly, otherwise I'm sure someone would have seen it and responded by now. No-one's ignoring you, even if it feels like it!

My first reaction is that you sound depressed ... you're going to say "tell me something I don't know!", but depression can be treated, and it can be treated very effectively. I don't know what health facilities you have where you are, but can you see a GP about getting some treatment? It doesn't have to be tablets, talking is often just as helpful.

I don't think walking out on your children is the answer, because they're not the problem - your relationship with your partner needs addressing too, and is probably not helping with the depression.

Sounds not too disimilar to how i was just prior to being diagnosed with PND.

It sucks big time. Get yourself off to the docs to get some help/support/information.

Its tough bringing up children in any circumstances, and it does sound like your are doing a good job, you are just ill. Moving so far away with 3 children is no fun at the best of times.

Please do speak to your partner about it too. It will make you feel better to share it - i promise.

I am an Expat in West Africa, where you certainly don't go to a doctor because you are finding things tough - there aren't any GP's as such here, they are all specialists - skin, tropical etc etc

As for 'sharing' - my husband the other day said 'you could smile for a start'. My parents in law rule his life, and therefore mine and I should be 'grateful' that my husband owns the company. I still don't understand that bit......

Mothers Day I spent looking after the 3 children AND cooking lunch for his parents whilst he went back to bed because he got up at 7am with the kids. I was up at 8.20am. He was so apologetic for sleeping - to his parents because he wasn't awake to greet them!! Then he showed me a letter which basically told me that he had used our money to buy a company - but obviously his parents knew about this ages ago and had been planning it with him.

He doesn't see anything wrong with this relationship. As long as I have the latest handbag/shoes/car he seems to think I should be happy.

For a start I would start squirrelling some money away ina secret bank account. If you work it out and life is great agian then so be it. It never hurts to have s ome money put away for an emergency.

If you cannot go to a doctor over there, what could you do? where do you find someoen to talk to about your feelings?

Agree with beetroot. I dont know what else to say to you except that we are all here to listen if you need us

i think you need to help yourself, on lots of levels.
one, you are stuck taking care of three kids. im not sure how old youre older ones are, but threee is a hard number especially when the little one is a baby.
two, you have no emotional support from your dh
3 you have inlaw probs
4 you probly have no family of your own theri? and not many friends?
5 you may or may not have pnd

all of these are diffcult issues.
people have through all time and cultures found different ways of dealing with such issues. therappy, drugs, medicall drugs, religion, retail therapy etc etc. you need to think about what would be the best way for you to live your life. currently in the ukk i think the medical drugs, antidepressants are popular.
if you do want to go on the ad's, then just go to a doctor and tell him you want lustral, 100mg's. it shouldnt be too hard toget hold off.

you could do the drink and drugs route, but that would be bad bad bad.
the kids need both a mom and a dad. i dont know what sort of father he is, but obviously he must have ltos of positives for you to have moved there with him.
whenever you want to have a moan, come to mumsnet. lots of us are in similar sorts of positions.sisterhood and all that.

yes, squirreling money away is always a good idea.
wish i was smart enoguh to follow that advice

stich, it is never t late to start!!!

It is a lovely idea to start a new bank account etc - bit tricky though when every piece of correspondence goes through the UK head office to be sent out here! Thank you all for your advice etc today I feel better.

I plucked up the courage last night to say that I wills tay for another 2 years here. Now my 'job' is to find a good school and area to live in the UK - bit tricky as I haven't been based there for nearly 8 years. Is anyone else living in The Cotswolds - that is our family area.

You cn send money to your mum to a mate and they can open a building society account for you.

Any chance you can have a holiday back home and talk to a Dr whilst you are here?? I know ads don't work for everyone but they have transformed my life...

Thinking about you... good luck.

Thank you all taking the time to post here, but really please don't waste your time. I'll be fine, just fed up. Appreciated the comments.

Never think you are a waste of time C&N. There will always be support on MNet. Have a think about some of the suggestions and good luck with improving your life - you have every right to. Your dp needs to know having money is not the same as happiness or contentment, they are far more important.

Seriously, don't bother you don't want to get caught up in my life. I am sorry I even tried to involve anyone. I am sorry.

Sorry? Only just read thread,sense there IS something wrong

CHAMpagne, dont be sorry. if you have aproblem, munsnet is the place to get help.
lots of us are in similar situations, and tbh, the only real help we can give each other is on the net, 'listening'. and being there.
its not like real life, where the listener has ato show an interest. over here only those of us who are willing will post.
im rambling on a bit now. but i think you need lots of help. emotionally, and practically.

oi, stop that. you need help and support

((((((Big hug))))))
sorry its only virtual

I have just found out that his parents gave him £3/4 million for the company - which means now they have a complete hold over what we do and I have to have dinner with them tonight and say thank you! Why should I say thank you for making me feel so bloody miserable.

I feel nauseous all of the time. I hate looking at my husband because he has no idea, or refuses to accept that because of him and his parents I am so unhappy.

I vowed I wouldn't post on here anymore but I am losing it here right now. I just don't know who to turn to or what to do. He'll probably get MI6 to track my every move whilst I am in the UK - I am joking at that but a scary thought (hope I get a Tom Quinn lookalike!) F* I need a drink, a cigarette, a 6inch knife and a bloody good cry.