wanting to die so much but scared of death.

[domesticgodless]

Hi all I'm sorry to darken your mornings with this no doubt with the rain it's dark enough already :)

I just want so much to die and cant' because I have the children. I can't really explain how I feel. It gets assessed as 'severe depression' but I also have this gnawing agitation inside.

I'm afraid of pain but keep fantasising about becoming ill and dying so it would not be my fault I were dead... or shooting myself in the head just to be free of this pain.

I have tried contacting crisis teams etc before but no real help they just send me to a psychiatrist who gives me more drugs that rot my brain and don't work.

I am a human writeoff some of us aren't meant to live. I know this. I also know it's depression, others worse than me feel justified in being alive, but my depression is chronic and rarely lifts. I brought a lot of it on myself too by shocking and abusive behaviour in the past.

The only thing keeping me alive is that my eldest son would miss me so much however shit I am. I only have him 3 days per week and live for that time. My youngest son recently refused to look at me when I went to drop something off at his dad's. We were out with his dad (school stuff) at weekend and he clung to his father repeatedly saying 'daddy daddy I want to come back with you I like you' etc.

I always felt a bad mum tbh. A terrible one. Also came out of an abusive relationship which I still miss. I even wanted to be friends with the sod but he refuses to be friends saying I must see that everything was all my fault and then we can start again :D heheh.

Everything has closed down for me, I'm terrified. I am getting phobic becoming scared of inanimate objects because they are empty and dead inside just like me.

I don't know what the hell to do

DG, interesting story about your first. I bet you deserved one on ability. To this day we don't tend to have much luck with the proctors saying results were affected by depression; the attitude is that everyone is depressed .

I had a horrible day too, so all my sympathy for your greys - though actually grey is pretty much my favourite colour, and I love rain.

Yep, IMHO complaints are proportional to people's sense of entitlement. My faculty does top the fucking league tables, and it does so by bleeding all of us white. Then of course every college wants to top the Norrington Table - which mine never ever does. Why should we even care? It won't fill our pockets or provide even one more library book. We've managed to make our students and ourselves even more stressed and busy - and yet filling out forms isn't how academic excellence happens.

Agree too with JWP on the post-its! But the worst new curse is Impact... nobody really knows what ti is, and everyone is trying to achieve it.

Hi domestic, only just seen this thread and wanted to say how much I can relate.

You don't sound like a human writeoff at all, you sound lovely! Clever, funny and kind

Thanks all.

Sorry should have said that I have half a week without the kids so should really get out more, however have to stay in b and bs that half of week, which isn't conducive to meeting people (other half of year I am here in london). My stupid lifestyle is very isolating.

I feel awful today, grim and negative, and wishing I were dead as usual :( not the screaming horrors of last week though.

Funny how what I consider to be 'big' issues such as the state of the world and what my boys are growing up into mix in
My depressed mind with little ones such as the fact I feel fat/lazy/ugly, my divorce still isn't through after 4 years, I'll never have sex again :D come to think of it not all small things really, but things that others seem able to face and get on with stuff.

I guess I just feel stranded, as If i will never fit in. Will get old soon and die alone etx etc (violins pls!!' lol)

Boys are irritating me massively which is a sign of
Pms for sure :)

I need to get out but feel somehow scared to do so?!?

I often really need to get out dg

Is it any easier if you think about going somewhere really simple, quiet and boring

Like the park ?

Did you manage to get out anywhere over the weekend ?

I've pretty much accepted my so called "laziness" as part of who I am. Quakers has helped actually, and various wise people I've read, at appreciating that everyone is different, unique, fundamentally equal ... and rather wonderful well not everyone is wonderful obviously

I've never been bothered thankfully if I might be fat ( two DC's are a good enough excuse for me ! ) or looking older ( well, I am 47 what do I expect ?! )
or ugly ( no, actually I'm lucky I've never thought that - that sounds like the depression talking to me. Though when I was a teenager I had a couple of the usual hang-ups ... teeth a bit sticky outy, a bit flat-chested, glasses or contacts )
And these days I have a weird bump growing on the side of the bridge of my nose vair attractive

Crikey, I sound like God's gift to men don't I ?
But, some at least were flattering and nice and desperate enough to make me feel so, at least in my yoof. So, I'm just growing old disgracefully on the back of those memories

I hope you all have some good memories to ponder in your dotage too !

Hope things continue to lift a little for you this week dg x