wanting to die so much but scared of death.

[domesticgodless]

Hi all I'm sorry to darken your mornings with this no doubt with the rain it's dark enough already :)

I just want so much to die and cant' because I have the children. I can't really explain how I feel. It gets assessed as 'severe depression' but I also have this gnawing agitation inside.

I'm afraid of pain but keep fantasising about becoming ill and dying so it would not be my fault I were dead... or shooting myself in the head just to be free of this pain.

I have tried contacting crisis teams etc before but no real help they just send me to a psychiatrist who gives me more drugs that rot my brain and don't work.

I am a human writeoff some of us aren't meant to live. I know this. I also know it's depression, others worse than me feel justified in being alive, but my depression is chronic and rarely lifts. I brought a lot of it on myself too by shocking and abusive behaviour in the past.

The only thing keeping me alive is that my eldest son would miss me so much however shit I am. I only have him 3 days per week and live for that time. My youngest son recently refused to look at me when I went to drop something off at his dad's. We were out with his dad (school stuff) at weekend and he clung to his father repeatedly saying 'daddy daddy I want to come back with you I like you' etc.

I always felt a bad mum tbh. A terrible one. Also came out of an abusive relationship which I still miss. I even wanted to be friends with the sod but he refuses to be friends saying I must see that everything was all my fault and then we can start again :D heheh.

Everything has closed down for me, I'm terrified. I am getting phobic becoming scared of inanimate objects because they are empty and dead inside just like me.

I don't know what the hell to do

I have been crying for 3 days now most of the time. My eyes have swollen up to hell.

Heh and here I am trying to get pity from people I guess? Or just someone to talk me out of my obsession with death.... I am sorry everyone it's just hard to be this person right now

Is there anyone in RL you could speak to at all? I think it's important that you go and see your GP as soon as you can don't put it off please speak to them today, if you find it hard to talk please just show them what you have written here. I hope you can get help

So sorry you are feeling like this, you must keep going whatever it takes, because this horrible feeling will eventually pass, do something small and pleasurable, make a cup of tea, go for a walk, have a bar of chocolate, try to focus on the here and now. Also please please call your gp, are you on any medication perhaps your dose needs to be increased? If you start making active plans to kill your self, please go to your nearest A&E.

This is probably a weird question, but do you think your depression is mainly organic (i.e. due to an imbalance in your brain chemistry) or do you think it stems from life experiences, or a bit of both? I personally believe that if it is mostly organic that you need to go back to your doctor and find something that will help you feel better, even if it means trying lots of different anti-depressants. If your depression stems from general life, they you need to either have talk therapy so that you can resolve some of these feelings, stop punishing yourself or find a way of dealing with your feelings towards things that have happened and forgive yourself. Even with talk therapy there are a lot of new treatments that can have a profound effect on depression/anger/fear etc, such as EMDR (for post-traumatic stress disorder), tapping therapy etc. There are lots of treatments out there, don't give up!

part of this is they've increased my dose of anti-ds recently and no bloody effect at all :(

Accessing any help at all here has been a nightmare. I'm sort of semi-agoraphobic too (only really comfortable in house and on set pattern of journey to work and back) which makes things difficult eg I don't take action to find the therapies I need, too scared.

I think Ophelia it's a bit of both but then they do say it's possible that repeated bad experiences and depression can form pathways in the brain whic are destructive.

I feel actively suicidal a lot but I think of the kids and then I don't do it. But I fantasise and plan a lot and I know that if I start going actively 'crazy' as last night I may behave irrationally etc.

Natnat I spoke to my mum and it helped. She says she will be mightily pissed off if I end up dead :D (sorry gallows humour probably inappropriate)

The only person I spoke to yesterday was ex who was texting with messages of support, when I dared during conversation to say that some of his behaviour had been difficult for me to handle and I didn't think he'd acknowledged it, he turned nasty and started shouting. Today he suggested coming to see me in 2 weeks time?! I said I didn't think it was a good idea unless he saw that he couldn't just blame all our problems on me being depressed, and that being depressed did not make me entirely irrational. (Three days ago he was yelling at me for 'letting him down in the worst way possible' by not correcting the proofs of his PhD to his standards!! He then went on to 'you have made an enemy, Addio' when I said that rewriting his PhD would have been plagiarism. Then the next day it was back to 'I love you and want you back'.) This morning I got this email which set off the intense wanting to die and panic:

before I used to care that you misframed me so much and think of me the worst. Now I dont anymore. Because I know I am not. I have better things to do than arguing about this or that. I am not going to spend one more minute of my life in this. If you dont like the way I am you should take distance now because I will shut down as soon as I hear a critic. I heard far too many.
Have a good day

This to a woman who was sobbing on the phone to him yesterday. I guess he just doesn't have human feelings so why did I attach to him so much? What does that say about me? I suppose I thought I deserved him....

:( I am so fucked up I just don't know where to start again and the kindest thing would be to shoot me in the head. I wish someone would.

DG, I really think that you need to break off all contact with your ex. I know this is probably extremely difficult given that you are at a very low ebb and finishing a relationship with someone can be like coming off a drug - very very difficult. I know how this feels as I have been there myself. I think the whole situation with your ex has to end. It is obviously making you feel very very bad and you are probably scared to end it because "better the devil you know". This person is destroying you. You will only be able to help yourself and clear the fog when this person is out of your life. The last thing you need is someone like this now. You need to focus all your attention on getting better. This person is a drug and you are dependent on him to make you feel better but like any drug, if this person is nasty to you or withdraws then you suffer the worst.

You need to start loving yourself again and FORGIVE yourself. Treat yourself better. Also, if your GP is not helping then do a bit of research yourself. There are lots of things that you can try that may help you naturally. Obviously research these thoroughly first and do not mix medications but I had a lot of help reading The Mood Cure by Julia Ross which is a self-medication plan using natural products (mostly amino acids). Look it up, it is a very good book;

The Mood Cure

Please don't give up!

Thankyou ophelia you are right. I tried to split
Off the good from the bad parts of him and also I reckoned cos I was a shit person I couldn't judge him. But he just can't communicate reasonably and has no awareness at all of how cruel and full of rage he is.

I still love him even though id vowed just to be friends and he lives abroad so we weren't going to see eachother. I knew the crunch would come when he asked to see me here, he cannot
Possibly stay since last time he shouted so much in my face (-'d
Followed me from room to room shouting) that I sort
Of pummelled him pathetically with my fists to get him
'off' me and he then called me a violent abuser... He doesnt seem to see
That if that's the case he shouldn't really be trying to get back with me.

Sad thing is apart from my mum and dad he's the only person who gives a shit much. You're never alone with an abuser they're very attentive.

Ah shit still crying and feel like my heart's been ripped
Out with pliers.

Oh DG I have felt all the things you mention, and more in case it puts ideas into your head. I have experienced 2 major episodes of severe depression and both times been on psych ward for 3 months, but I now have severe intermittent depression so I know exactly how it feels.

In patient care is not that muchgood tbh as no one talks to you about how you are feeling etc- they just make sure you get your meds. The psychiatrist sees you once a week but just asks general questions like "are you eating/sleeping" etc. He did up my dose on one occasion which helped.

However the thing that I discovered in hospital in 2010 that ECT is stillused for people with drug resistant depression and for those whose depression is so bad that they get psychotic episodes. I couldn't believe it as I thought it all finished years ago and was thinking of course of those awful pictures of people shaking etc. It's very different now and patients are given a sedative and they don't really remember anything happening. I saw some patients coming back from ECT and they were ok - maybe a bit tired (I was in the older people ward as I was 66) I talked to a lovely junior dr on the ward and he said it was really effective but most patients needed 6 to 8 sessions.
He said he would "jump at it" if he had drug resistant depression.

Maybe you could ask your psychiatrist about this. Just a thought. Feeling for you soooo much as know the terror of this bloody awful illness that makes us feel like strangers in our own bodies.

OP I'm really sorry you are going through this. If you don't feel able to go to the doctor please call them and arrange a home visit. Please take help where you can get it in RL if family offer to help out then please let them. you need to be gentle with yourself and take each day as it comes- please remember that you don't need to be able to make everything better instantly but every little step you can take things should get easier but please speak to your GP hun

my dad is offering to come down bless him. I feel so shit he's 71 and shouldn't be travelling around, I should be looking after him!! Mum and dad are terrified for me :( which makes me feel worse, I'd like to be a good daughter to them, make them proud etc but no chance of that atm, I'm 39 and they're still looking after me!!

Nana did you get the psychotic episodes often? That has truly pushed me over the edge into constant fear. I really feel I understand what madness means now.

Did you get those feelings of being emptied out, like you were already dead but couldn't die? Terrifying is not the word.

I'd try anything. ECT, insulin, anything :D

I still miss that bastard (ex) though I know he was toxic I still feel so sorry for him (for all the rage etc inside him which comes from somewhere so deep and infantile) and miss his good side so much. Who the hell else will want to be near me now I'm a certified loony? :D

Thankyou for your kind thoughts. xx

I am going to a church later hopefully we find one open so I can light 2 candles one for ex (cos he needs it) and one for me. I don't believe but I wish I could.

*will find one open

btw Nana do you work?

I'm terrified of losing my job. In this political climate it would be beyond a disaster.

I've already had weird episodes at work of rage against some poor administrator (I apologised profusely), weird confused emails, nearly crashing car once during my 90 minute commute, etc. I went back full time this term as was feeling better!!! hehehe. God I don't want to be on ESA jumping through the government's hoops I really will top myself then :(

You say you don't believe but there are often people in churches that you can just talk to; even just going to church and sitting with other people, being part of a service may help you a little?

Have you tried talking to the Samaritans?

Thinking of you, good luck.

Yes Ragwort- churches are places where I have received kindness. I can go in them and cry and sometimes people come to put an arm around me, it restores my faith in humanity :D

I don't believe in God myself but I admire those who do and live their faith with kindness.

I was put off the Samaritans years ago by a dreadful phone call (nothing nasty just nothingy) which just made me feel more alone. But you're right I should try again.
x

Please try again - I have two lovely friends in RL who were both Samaritans - I never found out until they 'retired' as obviously they are not allowed to tell anyone what they did but they were such kind, gentle, thoughtful people.

I am glad that you find some comfort in church, is there an alpha course or similar that you could take part - I am NOT trying to convert you but it might give you something new to think about and focus on.

A close relative used to spend a lot of time at church and going to church activities, she was quite open about the fact she had no faith but just enjoyed meeting the people there .

I like your expression 'live their faith with kindness' - I do have a faith but I shall try and remember to live by that phrase as well.

Take care x

I am attracted very much to faith. Many of the kindest and best people I have met are people of faith, and my parents faith is also very strong. But the actual articles of faith are difficult issues for me. I was brought up a Catholic and drifted away, a lot of the principles of the church really alienated me. I am also a scientific rationalist type and find it hard to believe in the Christian narratives. I'm a lefty feminist so don't fit in many church philosophies :)

Still I find the words of Jesus make really eminent sense to this lefty feminist! and are also astonishingly poetic.

I have often spent time hanging around churches feeling devotional without really knowing what I am devoting myself to :D So I entirely understand your friend.

I guess it is a feeling of spiritual vacuum I have. I know you're not trying to convert and understand exactly where you're coming from. xx

domesticgodless, I am thinking of you. I was like this till recently when I finally took time off work to straighten myself out. The meds did wonders, but I needed to change my life too.

I too am a lefty feminist - try the Quakers. I also recommend the spiritualist church. Many on here will scoff but spiritualism gave me the will to live at my lowest ebb. The talks are inspirational and very encouraging. Read a Betty Shine book or two if you're not sure. Good luck xx

yes wolves I reckon a bit of praying to 'god-knows-what' for strength saved my life a few times.

I will try Betty Shine.

Sieglinde how much time did you take off? I'm an academic, it's v v hard to do in my job. I did try last year. They gave me time off then told me there was no one else to teach my classes... so in effect I would f* up the students exam. No way I was doing that so I kept teaching. I ended up on half time with full pay for one term but was then expected to recover and with these chronic conditions one doesn't.... that's why I'm so scared of unemployment.

DG NO I didn't have any psychotic episodes so please don't be getting afraid of that happening as it is very rare, and is I think more likely to be in older people. I only mentioned it because it is something for which ECT is used. I am retired so work isn't an issue for me. The things that you meantion are NOT psychotic episodes - they are in all probability the result of your depression and getting mixed up is because of a lack of concentration which is another symptom of depression.

I only saw 1 lady with psychotic symptoms when I was in hospital. She was 80 and when I was admitted I thought she had dementia as she was wondering around, ooking very confused, staff were having to feed her, she kept asking me and others if we had sold her house, and then tried to take her blouse off. However after about 3 days she became completely normal, and had no memory of being psychotic. We became quite close and she told me that she had ECT for drug resistant depression and psychotic episode, and she had 8 sessions and was discharged before me and went on hoiday to Austria!

PLEASE put this out of your mind and I regret mentioning it now. Are you by any chance a teacher as you mention this term. If so that in itself is very stressful isn't it. SO glad your parents are so supportive and of course they will be worried as they love you.

Incidentally you are not a certified loony and for people like us who suffer from mental illness, we should be trying to reduce the stigma that still remains around mental health.

Sending you warm wishes x

ah right. My mum thought the diissociation and fear of objects was psychotic. I don't wander around confused or anything, no. (well not much hehe)

Don't worry Nana my mum had already put it in my mind.

I use 'certified loony' ironically Nana and v sorry if I offended you with that :(

my ex abused me often as a 'madwoman' and some of that got through sadly :(

btw Nana I'm a university teacher. Not as bad as schoolteaching but has its pressures. More the longlasting type like 'where is your book promised 3 years ago' from publishers. :(