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Original poster

end of the line??

26 replies

muddleup · 23/08/2012 14:34

I want to die, no easy way of saying/writing it, cant sugar coat it, cant make it sound any better.

I'm sitting her in tears, dont want to leave my children but I dont want to live anymore.
I saw my psychologist this morning but I kept zoning out, dont remember much about it, maybe thats a good thing, I dont know. She knows I'm struggling but today I couldnt tell her how much, couldnt tell her that I wanted to take all my tablets, couldn't tell her anything, am so stupid :(

I cant breath, cant think, dont see a future, not even sure I want one.
I just want out

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 23/08/2012 14:36

Do you have the number for your crisis team? If you do then you really need to give them a call or get yourself to A&E where they'll take you seriously.

I've been where you are and very recently too. It can get better, it really can, but if you are feeling so bad you need extra help to be able to do it.

Do you think you can reach out and call somebody?

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 23/08/2012 14:37

Oh, and you are not stupid. You're ill and probably more ill than you realise. Please get help, your children will thank you for it.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 23/08/2012 14:55

You OK OP? Are you keeping yourself safe?

Original poster
muddleup · 23/08/2012 14:57

I cant phone anyone, I'm too ashamed, to scared of what will happen next.
I just mess everything up, it would be better for everyone if i wasnt here anymore.

OP posts:
Hopeforever · 23/08/2012 14:59

Muddle up, I can understand why you feel that way, but it s not true. You are important and loved, your family would not be better off without you.

You need and deserve help, your children need you to accept help too.

Please ring the criss number. You will not mess up, you are ill

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 23/08/2012 15:02

I know its hard to say anything, but its no different to telling someone you have a broken arm or something. Better to feel awkward than to take your own life.

It wouldn't be better for your children. It will fuck them up. Seriously.

If it comes to crisis intervention then the people who come out to look after you in the community will be understanding and sympathetic. They look after people in the same position as you all day every day. Whats the worst that could happen? Hospitalisation? Believe me, thats a better option then not being around at all.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 23/08/2012 15:04

Do you think you could call the Samaritans if you don't feel able to contact someone in a more official capacity?

Losingitall · 23/08/2012 15:12

I can understand how you feel and I'm sorry I can't offer any practical advice.

But I too have not wanted to be here. I didn't want to kill myself I just didn't want to exist.

I don't want to patronise you by saying you will come out of it. But I did. The feeling gradually left me.

I can't know for certain it will never come back but if it does I will also know that it stopped as well.

Just know you aren't alone

X

GracieLoo · 23/08/2012 16:16

I know exactly how you feel. I'm having the same thoughts and it's so hard to ask for help, as the consequences are too scary. But like you I don't want to leave LO but I can't live like this. Hope you manage to get the help you deserve.

Original poster
muddleup · 23/08/2012 18:23

I copied what I wrote and handed it into CMHT, now its out there and i cant take it back, cant hide from it.
Not sure its going to make any difference as they have known I have been struggling for a while now, but now they know :(

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 23/08/2012 18:59

I am so, so pleased you've let them know. It's a hard step, but a brave one. If you start to feel that you can't keep yourself safe, let them know that too.

Here if you want to talk.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 24/08/2012 12:03

Hi OP, how are you doing today?

Original poster
muddleup · 24/08/2012 13:30

I feel like everything has been drained out of me, that I'm not really here.
I cant stay awake but I cant sleep either.

OP posts:
Original poster
muddleup · 27/08/2012 11:03

Cpn just left, told her I couldnt cope, going from a heap on the floor to a screaming banshee.
That I wanted out, that I was planning it, just needed a time when the kids weren't here.
I thought I was honest, but I dont think she heard me :(
Whats the point in trying anymore

OP posts:
amillionyears · 27/08/2012 11:08

What did the cpn say to you?

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 27/08/2012 11:19

Keep calling the crisis team until they get the message. I know it may seem futile, but they will listen.

Original poster
muddleup · 27/08/2012 11:27

She said it must be difficult feeling like this.
I dont know what I expected her to say or do, not sure there is anything she can do, she gave me an appointment for 2 1/2 weeks time.

Crisis team are useless, last time i spoke to them they told me to stop telling people how bad I felt.

OP posts:
Bintang · 27/08/2012 11:40

How old are your children?
Do you have a partner/spouse/relative for any rl support?

Original poster
muddleup · 27/08/2012 11:53

they are 12, 14 and 18.
dont really have anyone in rl, youngest 2 go to their dads every 3 weeks for the weekend, but now my youngest has decided he doesnt want to see his dad anymore.
I'm so tired of fighting this I just want to sleep and not wake up.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 27/08/2012 12:03

are you involved with the church at all,or have neighbours who could offer a shoulder to cry on right now

Original poster
muddleup · 27/08/2012 16:48

no, there isnt really anyone, I have a few on line friends who i talk to but i feel like im getting it wrong, that i cant say the right thing so i just end up saying the wrong thing.
The kids are in from school and I have to put this I'm fine face on when all i want to do is crawl under the covers and hide from the world.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 27/08/2012 16:59

I expect you are not getting it wrong with your online friends at all.
They may be wanting to hear from you.
Could you email one of them today,and see what they say?

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 27/08/2012 17:51

Would there be any chance if getting a medical review to look at whether a change in meds would help? Last time I reached breaking point, it turned out the meds were the wrong ones and made it worse. It could be worth a go and could end up really helping you.

Original poster
muddleup · 27/08/2012 19:22

My Gp wont touch my meds, has to come from the psychiatrist but dont have them until september, cant get an earlier appointment as its just a locum until they get a permanent one.
I will try and phone Gp in the morning and see if someone will see me and at least help until psychiatrist appointment, but I dont see them helping as they usually tell me I need to speak to Cmht.

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 27/08/2012 19:36

Thats a PITA - I have the same thing with my GP that I get batted back to the Psych again. Do you think you can get by until the sept appt? I'm just wondering if they could let you see one of the Psycs in the other teams for a review instead.

My GP was completely unhelpful when I went to see them about meds and I was only asking for a prescription. I wish they wouldn't be like that - as if you need any more trouble when you're in a bad place.