anyone there to handhold?

[whitewineinthesun]

can't live this life. can't end it.
need abit of handholding for a minute or two.
have namechanged.

thanks Ivana. night time is so bad, isn't it? feel so low. just tried to put a bag over my head and end it all, but couldn't even do that right. hate myself so much.

Are you getting any help from eg your GP?

Good that you're here instead
Another hand.

Do you want to try to say here what's at the heart of feeling so very low?

i am on AD, but perhaps they need to be increased. i dont want to ring anyone this time of night. i have a couple of friends who have agreed to be there for me, but i can't just wake them up.
why can't i just end it properly???? i just get so scared and then feel stupid.

You can't end it because you still have the self-awareness to realise you should not do it. That is a very very good thing, hold on to that self-awareness. You are not stupid sweetheart, you are suffering and it's a horrible place to be but with the right help you can get through this. I am sure your friends would want you to ring them when you feel so bad. I know I would want any friend of mine to.

Also it isn't surprising that you feel this way when you've had major bereavement and the problems with your xp and dc's.

When did you last see your GP? It may well be you need your AD's reviewed and some counselling support. But you need to be straightforward about feeling suicidal - GP needs to know just how bad you feel. Is he/she generally good and supportive?

Ds's are primary age.
probably shouldn't say too much about myself here. i have namechanged, but i don't know who is on here that may recognise my info.
have said too much already.
women's aid can't help with xp. too clever.

Plus I don't care if hugs have gone out of fashion on MN. When I started on here in 2002 they were all the rage so......

           ((((HUG)))
              <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Smile" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/smile-iCO8d7ST.png">

(still here lurking). Just is spot on, lots of emotional events too close together to deal with. Would knock anyone for six.

gp is good. i am due a review.

i am having counselling at the moment.

Don't think anyone on here will recognise you, MN is so vast now.

thanks just. needed a hug

Ok, big plus that GP is good and that you are getting counselling.

Have you been feeling this bad just very recently or in bouts over a longer time? Sometimes, although counselling is good, it can kind of bring things to a head, which you then have to try to work through.

Do you feel able/want to say why dc's don't want to live with you? That must feel dreadful.

Don't know what to say about your xp - sounds like a really difficult situation.

i have tried to deal with ex issue. but it's all anonymous stuff and so the Police can't act. false allegations made to different authorities. i have lost my job through it recently (complicated issue - i can't take legal action on it).
i can't take ANYMORE of this shit. every day i wake up dreading what the latest thing is i will have to deal with. it's never-ending.

Dc's Dad is abit of a Disney Dad. i think that they just like being with him more. i can't compete with the things he does with them, and i'm just crying all the time which unsettles them.
tonight DS1 told me he hated me and he wished i was dead. i know that it's kids talk, but i can't deal with it right now. i have no resources left.