Ok, right I'm going to pieces, I called my Gp, he called the Crisis team.

[colditz]

I don't know what or who they are. can anyone tell me?

i have been getting worse and worse for weeks. This morning was the crunch. I have done nothing but cry and shout all morning, I made dp tell ds i have a headache, and went upstairs where I cried for 1 hour, and I don't know why. So I rang my midwife, who told me call my gp.

I am so scared this is going to turn into full blown pnd. I feel a bit like I have it already. I can't sleep at night, I can't get up in the morning - luckily dp is on A/L this week - I don't want to talk to anyone. I am getting screamy and hysterical, and would not be surprised if dp leaves me, i must be f*ckin hideous to live with.

I don't know what to do to stop this now. I am 36 weeks pregnant, I need to be ok before I bring the baby home, I am terrified of pnd again, but I am so scared of taking ads now, it can't be good for the baby, can it?

Colditz - this happened to me before Xmas. I went to see a locum gp as I was in a bit of a state. He referred me for a crisis counselling appointment. I also had carte blanche to phone the crisis team if I felt desperate. I had my counselling session that week, and it helped to know that there was someone there for me if I needed it. I had to wait a month for a psychiatrist appointment, but I was generally feeling more level by then.

Now I am waiting for a follow up meeting with him (having changed my ADs and implemented changes in my life to allow me more time to relax). Then, I will get CAT (cognative analytical therapy) in about 6 months' time.

The crisis team are there to help. I haven't read all of this thread, so sorry if things have changed, or if someone else has already helped you. Feel free to CAT me if you would like to chat on a more one-to-one level.

Than you again for all your supprt. My temper has simmered down a bit now. Still don't want to get up in the mornings though, the second I get up it is a battle to keep my temper, and not shout at my little boy. I will say, I usually manage to hold myself until dp comes home, but not always, but by the time he comes home, I feel a lot better because it isn't morning anymore.

I feel like I get up in the middle of the night, although I rarely get up before 7:30! I don't know why, it makes no difference how much sleep I get.

For all of you who say you have felt like this, did you get those same flashpoints of rage? The people on the crisis team kept asking me if I knew what triggered them, but I really don't. Does anyone know their own trigger, or have you had to have it pointed out?

It would be so helpful if I could find my own, I could avoid it then.

I did but I couldn't say what the trigger 'was' other than the depression itself distorting my perspective of things so much I felt I couldn't cope anymore. So much so I have a tendency now, when ever I feel resentful or angry to people I always read it as a symptom of the depression first and don't lash out and think later.

I really don't know if that helps. It sounds like I don't trust myself but what it actually means is I'm giving those around me due concern first and not my anger or frustration. Do you see what I mean? I'm much further along than you Colditz but it's a good strategy in the long run I've found. I learned to totally trust my DP, who supported me through it by not being a whipping boy for my out bursts.

I'm not sure if my approach is helpful, but it's worked for me. I hope you can pick and chose some strategy out of all the advice here. CAT me if you like too.

I didn't really have flashpoints of anger. My problem was predominantly germ-phobic/handwashing OCD, which led to depression. What monkeytrousers has said as her approach to deal with feelings of anger etc reminds me a lot of what the psychologist said to me about how I could tell whether a reaction was rational or OCD - that I would know it was OCD because I was feeling panicky/anxious etc. In the bad mental place where I was at that point, it was an amazing thing to get my head round - that the things I feared most weren't genuine fears, but imaginary fears due to the disease.

So to extrapolate to your situation, the sign that you are feeling anger/resentment due to your depression would be that you are feeling it so intensely.

If you are having trouble finding the trigger, then maybe if you kept a diary of things that happen during the day and how they make you feel, that might help you identify the trigger.

Out of interest, do you think the dark winter nights are affecting your mood?

There's also an analogy that depression is like a black hole. It sucks all the good from life - from the sufferer and from the people around them too but at the same time all your energy is spent fighting against it, trying not to get sucked in because everyone knows you cannot escape or survive it.

DP told me to let go and go into it. Not give in to it. But accept it and understand it. It was terrifying and I could only do it with the help of AD's but what he said would happen did happen. I didn't die. I went into it and came out fo the other side. Into a new universe.

It probably sounds a bit melodramatic but there is always hope. x

I have a gp appointment at 4:40pm, he should have the letter from the crisis team by now, they said.

I hope he does something, I just want someone to take over and run my life for a bit, but that's just silly, nobody can do that for me.

I had terrible anger. And not predictable. It was when I started throwing plates, with the intention for them to smash that I knew I needed help. And I was so annoyed with DS (15 months at the time).

I am much calmer and more relaxed now.

I hope your appointment goes well.

colditz,
i am thinking of you.
I am sorry this is happening to you
I do hope you feel better soon. i got a bit freaky about 7 months after ds1 was born...i felt trapped and angry and frightenend and thought about running away.
It went in the end and now I am fine..but i remember the whole thing vivdily and really feel for you.
Take each minute/hour/day as it comes..that really helped me get to enjoy it all again.Try to take pleasure in the little things.
And do tke any drugs they offer

Your posts always make me nod in agreement and make me laugh out loud... you are a very strong and funny woman who has had alot to get through over the last fewmonths.
Spring is on its way, let's hope the sun shines on you for a while today

Hope the Gp appointment went well.

He4llo everybody, you have all been so kind.

I went to see the gp, and he knew nothing about it all but was very good and immediately started ringing people and being cross with them. He has chased my councelling up, he says I was never supposed to have had to wait this long, he has prescribed me Prozac, which he says is safe, especially at this stage and also Diazepam, which I feel a little uncomfortable taking as he says it might make baby a bit sleepy.

he says the Diazepam is for a few days only and only if I really feel I need it, and is a low dose. i have to go back and see him on Thursday too.

I am so glad i have a crutch for a bit, it's a way of stopping my temper exploding beyond control.

Right, i have just read the side effects the baby might get and I am not taking the Diazepam.

Hiya Colditz - glad you managed to get something from your doc and that he was good enough to get on the case and chase up your councelling.

I have to say I have no idea whatsoever what triggers my anger. It can come and go as quickly as someone flicking a switch - that's literally what it's like. When it starts I don't have much sense of rationale and am kind of 'lost' in the rage then once I've got it out of my system by having an argument, bursting into tears, breaking something, slamming a door - anything like that - I can go back to 'normal' calm me as if nothing happened!! Definately can't think of a trigger though...

Colditz - I don't get rage as such, but I am really snappy with ds and dh. I often think that I have over-reacted with ds...cue feelings of being a crap mother

Thinking of you...and I'm going through it all again myself, so I'm with you all the way xxx