PTSD and being unable to talk about what caused it

[whathasthecatdonenow]

I have PTSD and severe depression stemming from an incident in my past. I've had counselling and psychotherapy as well as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. I've tried lots of ADs. I can't get better because I can't actually say out loud what happened to me. I freaked out badly during the EMDR when I had to relive the incident backwards, and ran away from the psychologist, resulting in the Police coming to find me.

All of the professionals I've seen have given up on me because I can't get better. I try to say it out loud but it is like a physical block and I just throw up. The flashbacks are getting worse and I'm really at the end of my tether. I'm on holiday now, but I'm dreading going back to work in September. I just don't know what to do. It has been three years and I can't see anyway out from this black hole.

Has anyone got any advice?

Have you tried art therapy? I don't have any experience but was just thinking if you can write/paint/draw your way through some of it you might reach the point where you can say it. I have to say I have had ptsd and therapy linked to it. I told therapist straight out that I didn't want to talk about the abuse and she said we didn't need to, worked on me at the time, dealing with the memory shots (I've luckily not suffered full blown body flashbacks). I really hope you manage to get through all this x

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, especially those who are going through their own difficult times too.

I don't feel able to cope at the moment and will be going to ground for a while.

Well, things haven't got any better. Managed to have an awful row with my mum today because I promised to take her out but I couldn't as I felt so rough. I've taken myself off the sertraline as it was doing nothing. TBH I think I'm stockpiling.

Why am I such a failure?

You're not a failure; you're having a difficult patch right now - there is a difference. Don't blame yourself.

Here's some information from MIND on PTSD. Click here

A quote from MIND's information:

"It is important that you have an opportunity to talk to someone when you are ready to do so. However, you should not be made to talk before you are ready, or even at all, if you do not want to."

Perhaps you could phone or email someone at MIND and/or the BACP, explain your situation briefly and ask what they'd recommend?

You have taken yourself off maximum-dose Sertraline so suddenly? I don't mean to alarm you, but it's possible you will feel some pretty negative effects from this soon I would really recommend you start taking them again ASAP or at least let the doctor know.

If your GP isn't helping can you see a different one?

Cat,
I want to try to give you a little hope, in 2008 I was in a total mess.
I attempted suicide as I was suffering from PTSD (Didn't know tht is what it was)
as a result of that I was put on a mix of diazepam and citalopram.
It was clear that this was not going to fix the problems but it was explained to me as being the anaesthetic to allow time and space for real healing and progresss to be made.
For the first 3-4 months of me seeing my therapist (an emdr specialist) I said very little, I went, she asked questions I freaked out, rexperienced things, I was with her for 2-3 hours each week and we got almost nowhere.
Very very slowly we focussed on how to get my self out of the experience, practical steps, with homework things that I should try when I rexperienced things at home.
I looked into things myself as well, on the internet etc,
We spent very little time talking about the experience until I had mastered the art of short circuiting the rexperiencing so when I felt at the top of the precipice, being pulled over without being able to stop it, I did actually learn how to do that.
It allowed me to be able to begin to explain how awful I was as a person and all the things that were wrong, it allowed me to explain that although the world talks about onions and layers of human beings that I was like an onion who had rotted inside but that you couldn't tell from the outside.
We had proper heated discussions about how she could not possibly know how evil and rotten I was as she couldn't see what I could see in my soul.
Anyway, she suggested I write down what happened, and I did, it took me a week, I gave it to her and she said she wanted me to watch her read it, so that I could see her reaction.
She wanted me to know that she was not repulsed or revolted by any part I had to play. She was absolutely horrified by the actions of the other party.
She never pushed me to talk, every now and then I would say something and she never made a big thing of it.
We continued with therapy and started using timeline therapy, it helped me get used to teetering on the edge of oblivion and not being sucked in.
One day I slipped and couldnt stop the re-experiencing but it was different, I ended up in the room again, but instead of being the 11 year old being violently raped on the floor, I was me, grown up, and I shouted at the man as if he was a naughty child, I picked up the child and took her to safety.
For the first time ever, I saw what everyone else had been able to see, - that is accepting a can of coke, going into a room with a train guard, does NOT make me culpable. He had NO right to do any of the hideous things HE did.

The point of all of the above is to let you know that really complicated situations won't go away, I am not confident that I will never teeter on the edge of that precipice again, but I know how to deal with it. and I know that it is my body's way of telling me that I am stressed, that I have taken on too much.

Please please don't stop taking your tablets without advice from your GP.
and if you hold no hope of getting better, please let me hold it for you.

It can happen!

I can totally see how you can't say/think it. It's not the I know, when my dad died I couldn't say it out loud. In fact I can remember suddenly stopping a sentence if it was going to refer in anyway to his death. The first place I felt ok about it was here. Gradually I was able to talk about it, to share with others who had been through it and then onto being there for others when it happened to them.

You are worth it. You haven't failed, they have failed you. It's a bit like shouting at someone who doesn't understand what your saying, it's not going to suddenly make sense, you have to try a different way. They do seem to be trying to shoehorn you into what they think is the answer, rather than finding the right answer for you.

Dont give up, the right one is out there.

Hi :) Just to let you know I'm only on page 1 of your thread, as I'm tired and it's making me feel a bit wibbly. You may have already moved on or someone might already have said ...

Two things I've done are "empty chair" and "black & white movie". You do both of them by yourself. I think I would do the movie first, then the chair. In both cases, make yourself very comfy and calm in a safe place where you won't be disturbed.

Imagine you're at a cinema of your own perfect devising (could even be where you are sitting, though mine was a little private cinema I sometimes went to in London). You will probably want to imagine you're alone, but have a security guard or similar there if you want. The movie starts shortly before the incident in question. It is all black & white and filmed from some distance - this allows you to feel detached from the images on the screen. You can slow down, fast forward, pause and rewind any time you choose. Watch the events leading up to the incident, taking care to feel your comfortable seat around you and keep breathing with slow, steady breaths. If you start to feel panicky, stop the movie. You can come back to it whenever.

I watched the beginning of my 'movie', then the end. After that, I wound to the middle of the incident and watched a tiny little bit. Then I watched the beginning in slo-mo and the incident in normal time. As this is an 'inner child' therapy, I then put my own self in the movie and comforted the girl who suffered the incident (me), thus changing the final reel by helping her to feel safe. I can recommend doing this, several times if possible.

The empty chair is just that - place an empty chair opposite your comfy place, facing you, and talk to it. There's no need to imagine any person sitting there; I give it a vaguely warm, wise, compassionate presence but you can leave yours as exactly what it is: an empty chair! This is far more helpful tool than it sounds ... though I'd make sure there's nobody looking through the window when you talk to a chair

I agree that your therapists sound weirdly obsessed with your naming the traumatic incident. I hope you find techniques that are helpful to you, and one day you will be able to name it without retching. No need to rush towards it, though :)

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood - Gosh, the part where you shouted at the man and helped the girl is so much like what I did in my 'cinema'! I find it hard to explain just how deeply this changed me. It wasn't all the work, not by a long way, but it is the healthy foundation. I'm so glad you stood up for the schoolgirl you once were :)

Thank you for your replies.

I feel spaced out as a result of coming off the sertraline, but I'm not starting them again as I am stockpiling them - I'm on short scripts so this is the only way.

I'm going to have to leave the thread now as it has become triggering.

Thanks again.

I so sorry you've been triggered here, cat :( Please accept my apologies for any contributions I've made to that - it's the last thing I would have wanted.

What are you stockpiling for?

Have you spoken to your gp recently? They'll be give you something to store meds as they can go off.

Mind should also be able to help.

Sorry, just had to pop back to say that it is no-one's fault but my own that the thread is triggering.

If I tell my GP I'm stockpiling my meds he'll have me sectioned. They already have me on short scripts (just a week at a time) because I 'can't be trusted'.

That's me - a true failure and fuck up in everything I do.

Oh, it makes me sad that you're blaming yourself for everything. Somebody caused you to carry the shame from their actions; such a horrid thing to do. It wasn't your fault and you can recover the nicer life you were meant to live. I know you can't believe that now, but I hope you'll accept that people care about you properly, and truly wish you well. I wish you well, and whatever goodness you can find in your life today.

Take care of you. You deserve it, same as all of us.

Hi whathasthecatdonenow, I hope you're still on the thread... I've read from the beginning and it sounds like you are having such a tough time at the moment.

I think you have had deal with something horrible which effects you on a daily basis, so no wonder you're left feeling dreadful.

If this thread feels like it has become triggering, then you could always start another one - if you're feeling gloomy and blue I'd hate you to feel isolated. I'm sure there'll be people on these boards who can keep you company and offer their experiences - it already sounds like there's some common ground on here.
Lastly, even if it feel as though it's true, I'm sure you not a failure or a fuck up, but I believe that there are events which happened to you. But those events don't define you.

Can you go and speak to someone at Mind? They will advocate for you and ensure your safety.

I was a suicide risk a couple of years ago due to something I couldn't speak about at the time but I have got through it. I needed to be honest with the gp about how I was feeling though and my psychiatrist was very supportive.

I needed to take "time out" from life and the "respite" was the best thing for me. I would strongly recommend Mind to help support you.

I am so sorry this thread isn't helping, please let me know if it is my post that has done it and I will have it removed.. I really am sorry.

Please call someone to talk further, or start another thread I hope you manage to find some comfort and peace. x

Have you found anything that works.?
I was told to talk about it . it made it worse though I think if I had been an inpatient at the time I was told to talk it out and could have had proper support it might have helped. I think it can make you feel a failure.
I try and remember everything I have done but inside is still not great. creative visualisation and guided imagery give me a bit of a break. belleruth naparstek book PTSD has been helpful.

Hi Retvet,
I had ptsd last year. I had therapy, didn't want to talk so I found it very difficult, uncomfortable and felt as though I was being retraumatised every time I went.
What worked for me was a hypnotherapy. The session was 35 minutes long and the ptsd was gone. It hasn't come back and that was 5 months ago. That was just the beginning though. I've had a 2 further sessions to deal with the cause of it and the ensuring aftermath. I've never had to speak to the hypnotherapist about the cause of it and the whole process was very, very gentle. It's taken time as I could only go for the sessions when I felt ready to let go. I'd say I was around 90% better, not far to go now :)
Talking therapies just don't suit everyone, but there are alternatives about. Good luck and if you, or anyone else would like a hypnotherapist recommendation just pm me. x