Feel like giving up

[mentalcontinental]

I'm sorry to come here on such a downer, but I'm feeling really desperate today. In a nutshell, I've got big problems with anxiety. They started when I tried to stop smoking 2 years ago. I've carried on smokiing ever since, but on citalopram managed to cut down to 5 a day at work and none in the evenings and weekends. I was getting by great. About a month ago, I started to feel weird twinges, short of breath, liike I needed to have a cigarette at weekends too. This sent me into a huge spiral of anxiety as I don't WANT to smoke at weekends, during my free, precious time with my DP. I wasn't even sure if it was anxiety or nicotine cravings I was feeling.

Since then, I've been in a state. Haven't had a smokefree day in weeks, when previously it would have been no problem. In fact it would have been something I looked forward to and did happily. My anxious feeling are huge. My DP hates me smoking, but is dealing with the fact that I feel I have to right now, but I have to sneak out and constantly find excuses to get out so I can smoke. I hate doing this. We're getting married in October, and I've no idea how I'm going to manage on our wedding day or honeymoon. I should be looking forward to these things, but I just feel hopeless. Like a junkie, a miserable, pathetic addict. I'm doing a PhD and just can't face getting through the day without cigarettes. I wish I didn't feel like this. I cannot carry on waking up every morning and throwing up with anxiety, and not eating. I can't keep sleepwalking through life. It's a horrible, vicious circle. When I feel OK, I don't want to smoke. When I feel bad, I smoke loads and it just drags me down. I feel like such a horrible failure. I can't see a way through life carrying on with this addiction, being obsessed with it and hating myself for it, but I can't see myself EVER being strong enough to stop.

My DP left for work at 7am this morning and I rushed down to the shops in my nightie and a coat with my legs bare to get cigarettes. I felt horrendous. Then I got into the shower and just cried and cried on my knees. I went to see a film at the weekend where a boy killed himself and I didn't feel sad. I felt relieved for him. My doctor has put me on 100mg Sertraline to help with my obsessive thoughts, which she thinks are the problem rather than addiction. I've only been on them a week, but I'm finding it hard to have any hope. This morning, I felt like it was time to give up, realise I can't look after myself anymore, that it's not fair to expect my fiance to, and phone the doctor to ask if I can be put away somewhere I can't hurt everyone else with my feelings.

Some folk would love to be in my shoes - lovely fiance, wedding coming up, new house. But I don't deserve it. I can't appreciate it. I wish I'd never started smoking, I wish I didn't have these feelings, I wish my fiance had never met me. I'm sorry for the rant. I've got nobody else to talk to.

There's no need to give up just yet, especially as you've only been on Sertraline for a week.

A friend of mine has just started on Champix to help her give up smoking, maybe you could ask your GP about starting on that.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this, mental.
I don't have any advice to offer you but I didn't want to read and run, for you to feel that nobody was listening or concerned about you.

I do have friends that have major problems with anxiety, with depression and with OCD behaviours. In all cases, they've been helped with a combination of good counselling support, family support, and GP's/medical staff that have carefully monitored (and changed where necessary) their medication.

It does sound as though you are dealing with an awful lot of stress right now. I see that your DP is aware of your situation, but what about your university/college? Are you coping with the coursework well or do you need extra time or support there?

I think you do need to phone your doctor, but make an appointment to go in and talk, be very clear about exactly how you are feeling (or print off this post and take it), and ask what other support or help they can offer.

I am sure other posters will be along to offer support/experience/guidance/help soon.

Thank you for your replies, kozy and vader. I really appreciate it. Vader, as far as my PhD goes, the university isn't aware of any problems as yet. To be honest, I don't know if I should say anything, because I reckon they'll tell me to take sick leave, and I think I would be worse sitting alone in the house all day. Plus I really just want to get this PhD over with. I have 3 years of funding for it, and have done 1.5. I really want to get it finished within the 3 years, because after that the money stops. I really was torn over whether or not to do the PhD, if I could cope with it, but I went ahead because it would give me money to live on.

I do need to speak to my GP. She's so good and kind, but she can't stop these feelings. She referred me to see a psychiatrist because I've already had CBT and guided self help with the primary care people. The secondary care folk, psychiatrists, psychologists, etc, decided I didn't need them and are just going to send me back to the guided self help classes at primary care, which has never helped in the past. I questioned this, and they just told me "it's not your GP's decision, it's ours" so I feel pretty let down there.

I don't know how to be around my fiance. I'm in so much pain, but can't keep pushing it on to him. A few weeks ago, he just broke down and said he didn't know if we should get married anymore. He asked what we would do if I was feeling like this on our wedding day or honeymoon - my worst fears - and has said he doesn't think he'd cope. I just feel so helpless.

Maybe you need to ease the pressure up on yourself a bit? Do one thing at a time, rather than try to do everything?

How far through the wedding planning are you? If you decided to postpone, how do-able is that? Do you think your fiance would be happier with a delay until you are feeling able to cope more?

And as for the stopping smoking, perhaps you need to go for the cutting down approach? You said you had got down to 5 a day. How many are you smoking now? Do you feel you could cut down say from 10 to 8 a day?

Tell your GP about the secondary care people, tell her that you really feel you need further help; don't rule out the guided self-help, but perhaps consider it a supplement to professional help?

I've only just done education up to BSc level, but have had a difficult period in the last few months. I was able to get an extension on some work, rather than defer or take time out. I found it really helpful as it allowed me time to prioritise the workload and focus.

Kozy has some great suggestions! Let's pool our collective good intentions and experience and get you back up on 'regular functioning'! :)

Hi Vader, thanks so much for staying in touch. We can't postpone the wedding, I'm afraid, as everything's arranged now, but in any case I can't say when I'd be well enough to go ahead anyway. I've got around 3 months before it and hopefully my medication will be helping a bit by then. I am planning on cutting down the cigarettes. When I feel well, that's easier, but when I don't (like now) it's impossible. I'm just hoping to start feeling better soon.

Hoping you'll feel better soon too. :)

Just go for one day at a time. See if you can get one positive thing into each day. Even if it is you going out for a nice coffee. Something that lightens your mood. That way, when it's getting tough, you have that one good thing from the day to draw on.

Small steps lead to great journeys!

I echo what Geoff says. Do something every day just for you, and don't sweat too much on things that are trivial.

Hope you feel better soon.

Hello :)

The medication WILL help you - it's still very early days. And if it doesn't help enough, they will change your dose. And if it still doesn't help, they will try another one. The obsessing about cigarettes is all part of the anxiety/compulsions so don't beat yourself up about it - as you get your anxiety under control that will naturally get easier.

Hang in there - you're on the right track.

Agree with Therapeuticvino It seems to me (and I am no medic) but do have MH problems that you have an anxiety illness and the cigarettes are just the vehicle that is driving the illness. Once you get the anxiety under control the cravings should cease. It's just that anxiety manifests itself in different ways and with you it's a nicotine craving, with others it's health anxieties etc. It certainly is very early days for the meds to kick in and don't (as someone suggested) ask for a change to the meds that suit her. Mental illness (because that is what you have) is very variable and different meds suit different people.

SO how about re-framing your problem - you have a condition called anxiety (which incidentally is the medical name for fear) and you are being treated with anti-depressants because they can alleviate depression and anxiety, as these two usually go hand in hand.

Ask your GP about this and see if she/he agrees, although many of them are disinclined to consider anything with a psychological aspect.

I so appreciate your taking the time to reply, everyone. It makes me feel less alone. It's nice not to be told that I'm just making a fuss over nothing. People say - "you smoke. Big deal." But smoking, for me, is always a sign that I'm anxious and low. The two go hand in hand. Vino and Nana thank you for the encouragement about the meds. I was on 50mg sertraline for 2 weeks, felt they had started to help, and then spiralled back down. I've only been on 100mg since last Thurs, so I'm trying to just accept that this will take a while. For all I know, the throwing up I've been having might even be a side effect of the increased dose. That happened when I started citalopram. I'm going to try and focus on doing nice things for other people today. My wee sister's coming up to our new flat to stay tonight, so I'm going to order her a pizza and line up some episodes of Man V Food for her to watch. I can't say how much I appreciate your encouragement, everyone.

Sorry to be a downer again everyone, but I feel I just can't cope. Waking up each morning, feeling like my whole body's on fire with anxiety and throwing up. And smoking way, way too many cigarettes. I'm shaking all over. My DP is so unhappy. He left for work at 6am this morning and was crying in bed last night. He doesn't know how to help me and I don't know how to help him. I feel like phoning my mum and telling her I can't carry on.

((((mentalconitnental)))

It's shit isn't it. Just remember - you are NOT going to feel like this every day. You are doing ALL the right things, following your GPs advice and he WILL help you to get better. You have terrible anxiety which is horrible but it IS treatable but you need to breath deeply and count the days until you feel better - you are on your way there and the meds are going to help soon - the 50mg started to help right?

It did, thanks Vino. It's just so hard to see the wood for the trees right now, but thank you for listening.

I think half the problem is your partner. To be more accurate, his reaction to your illness. Get him to see his GP for an assessment, some treatment for him might actually help him to cope better, and that will help you by not having to worry about him IYSWIM.

By all means phone your mum and tell her how you're feeling, but make your partner see his doctor.

Thanks kozy - one part of the issue is that my partner was diagnosed as bipolar in his twenties. He thinks it was a misdiagnosis because he's been coping well for about 5 years with no meds and his manic/down phases are really infrequent now, but I don't know myself. I hate to think I've done this to him. My own GP is great and told him he could always call her if things got too much between us, so I'll advise him to do that.

Oh MC I am still convinced that you are suffering from depression/anxiety and that it is nothing to do with cigarettes......the way you describe waking up is typical of someone in an anxiety state. Anxiety manifests itself in many different ways and in you it's thinking that you have a nicotine craving when you don't. Some people think they have cancer, or are going to hurt someone, or going mad - the list is endless. You need to wait for the meds to kick-in- waking feeling anxious and being sick is a symptom of anxiety not a craving for nicotine. At my most anxious I felt I couldn't get out of the bed, had "jelly legs"and was scared of everything, the phone ringing sent me into a panic.

I don't think you should be thinking that you have "done this" to your DP. None of us chooses to be mentally ill. Maybe a good idea would be for both of you to visit the GP together.

Thanks so much, Nana - reading posters' kind words does help me to sit tight and hold on a bit more. Me and DP went to see my GP together when she first put me on to sertraline and she very kindly said he could call her any time, even though he's not registered at the practice, so I might advise him to do that. It's just mornings that are so tough right now, feel like every day is anxiety Groundhog day, but I'm telling myself it can't last forever.

Yes mornings are awful for me too when the "grey mist" descends - usually improve through the day - is that the same for you? I'm not sure about your DP - I know posters are saying he needs to see his GP and I agree that his reaction to your anxiety appears to be making him anxious too. Can you talk about this with each other and maybe have more idea of the emotions that he is experiencing. Could it be that he is scared that your anxiety state is going to bring on a reoccurence of his bipolar. Would he agree to see his GP - it may be an idea considering his psychiatric history.

However as your GP sounds so nice, next time you need to go you could go together and talk about his reaction to your anxiety. She may have something helpful to say about this, though I don't suppose she knows about his previous diagnosis?

Yes all you can do is hang on in there and remind yourself that this will pass.

That's exactly it, Nana - mornings are awful but by night time I tend to feel better and have more of an appetite. The fact that I don't feel the need to smoke at night is comforting because, as you say, this all seems to tie in to anxiety and not nicotine cravings. So I have my fingers crossed that when I feel better I'll find it easier not to smoke. I'm kind of dreading the weekend because I'm worried about upsetting DP even more but hanging in there. Thank you so much for all your thoughtfulness.

Nana, I am really glad you have joined this thread to offer your experiences and assistance. :)

I don't now suffer with anxiety but have had low-grade issues with it in the past, and some depression. I do have friends who suffer though, and it really does seem to be a case of persevering, and finding 'tricks' to get through the dark patches.

Vino and GoTeam - great to have some input - I am not really able to offer much other than a shoulder to lean on.

Mental - what can you put into your mornings to give them a 'lift'? Can you find a beautiful/inspiring picture to put somewhere that you look at when you have your first tea/coffee/whatever of the day? Do you have a piece of music that is uplifting or meaningful that you can listen to? Or better still, can you have a dance? I find dance has really helped me through dark spells; doesn't have to be rhythmic or at all coordinated, just that moving the body can help the mind. x

Thanks so much, Vader - you've given me an idea. I do love dancing (though I'm horrendously uncoordinated) and I don't do it nearly enough. The idea of whacking some music on and just going for it actually makes me feel a bit brighter. And I don't get to listen to all the terrible R+B and hiphop of my youth much when DP's about because he's more of a sensitive indie type! I'm going to try this. x

Great stuff Mental and Geoff! Excercise can benefit sufferers of depression, I'm sure I read that somewhere.

Ha MC so glad that you are starting to see that your difficulties are related to anxiety and not a nicotine craving. I think the evidence for this is that when your anxiety subsides in the evening you don't want to smoke.

You see I went through something similar when I had my first major episode in 1995. I had been feeling very dizzy every day and was working then and felt I was going to fall off my chair, and when outside I felt I was being "pulled" sideways. I went to the GP about 5 times complaining of dizziness but I didn't tell them I was having suicidal thoughts as well. I was utterly convinced that my problem was the dizzines and if that went I would be ok. Occasionally I had a day when I wasn't dizzy and felt fine, which reinforced my notion that if I wasn't dizzy I was fine. The GP had prescribed me tablets for menieres disease (something to do with balance in the inner ear) and I was taking them

Eventually the dep/anx got to so bad I was admitted to a psych ward and I still thought my problem was dizziness and I told the consultant psych who admitted me that I had this disease of my inner ear, and she said No that wasn't the problem at all. The dizziness was a symptom of my anxiety, and she put me on ADs. I was lucky that they began to work very quickly and I was much improved in a week or so, but still dizzy, so continued to think dizziness was my problem and it took me weeks and weeks to see that it was the other way round, and even when I was recovering and the dizziness gone, I still wondered.................when I look back I wonder how stupid I could have been.

Sorry for such a long post about me, but thought it might help you to see that your problem is anxiety rather than a nicotine craving. Can you talk to your DH about this and then he may be more sympathetic - the worrying about the weekend is going to exacerbate your anxiety and then you will want to "self medicate" with nicotine, because that is what you are doing I think. Some people with MH problems "self medicate" with alcohol, and then end up with 2 problems, MH difficulties and abuse of alcohol.

Glad you found the posts helpful from Vader and thank you for your kind words Vader.

Take it steady MC and incidentally I think you should get rid of menta in your nickname. There is sadly still so much stigma around mental illness and I think "mental" is a commonly used word which I think is deregatory. It's up to us sufferers to try to reduce the stigma.

Hi Nana - please don't worry about the long post! I'm just sorry you had such a difficult time, and it is so helpful to hear other people's experiences. I know I'm definitely self-medicating with nicotine. It's like it's become this totem which causes all my problems but, when I'm feeling low, makes me think it'll cure them. I count my lucky stars that I've never had a problem with alcohol and anx/dep. I know a lot of people who have.

And I got rid of the 'mental' - you're right that those of us suffering are the ones with the most power to help others see that there shouldn't be any stigma.

Great strategic NC there Incidental. You could well be self medicating with nicotine, but nicotine is not the cause of your anxiety imo, you need to somehow get away from that. One way of identifying answers to tricky problems is something I call circular thinking. You don't think directly about the problem, nor about any possible solutions, you think about other things. Quite often a solution can be found. It takes a while to get used to, but when you 'get' it, it becomes surprisingly easy.

Now when presented with a problem I say "I'll think around it" and I wander off to perform an unrelated task, then more often than not I get an answer.