I'm sorry to come here on such a downer, but I'm feeling really desperate today. In a nutshell, I've got big problems with anxiety. They started when I tried to stop smoking 2 years ago. I've carried on smokiing ever since, but on citalopram managed to cut down to 5 a day at work and none in the evenings and weekends. I was getting by great. About a month ago, I started to feel weird twinges, short of breath, liike I needed to have a cigarette at weekends too. This sent me into a huge spiral of anxiety as I don't WANT to smoke at weekends, during my free, precious time with my DP. I wasn't even sure if it was anxiety or nicotine cravings I was feeling.
Since then, I've been in a state. Haven't had a smokefree day in weeks, when previously it would have been no problem. In fact it would have been something I looked forward to and did happily. My anxious feeling are huge. My DP hates me smoking, but is dealing with the fact that I feel I have to right now, but I have to sneak out and constantly find excuses to get out so I can smoke. I hate doing this. We're getting married in October, and I've no idea how I'm going to manage on our wedding day or honeymoon. I should be looking forward to these things, but I just feel hopeless. Like a junkie, a miserable, pathetic addict. I'm doing a PhD and just can't face getting through the day without cigarettes. I wish I didn't feel like this. I cannot carry on waking up every morning and throwing up with anxiety, and not eating. I can't keep sleepwalking through life. It's a horrible, vicious circle. When I feel OK, I don't want to smoke. When I feel bad, I smoke loads and it just drags me down. I feel like such a horrible failure. I can't see a way through life carrying on with this addiction, being obsessed with it and hating myself for it, but I can't see myself EVER being strong enough to stop.
My DP left for work at 7am this morning and I rushed down to the shops in my nightie and a coat with my legs bare to get cigarettes. I felt horrendous. Then I got into the shower and just cried and cried on my knees. I went to see a film at the weekend where a boy killed himself and I didn't feel sad. I felt relieved for him. My doctor has put me on 100mg Sertraline to help with my obsessive thoughts, which she thinks are the problem rather than addiction. I've only been on them a week, but I'm finding it hard to have any hope. This morning, I felt like it was time to give up, realise I can't look after myself anymore, that it's not fair to expect my fiance to, and phone the doctor to ask if I can be put away somewhere I can't hurt everyone else with my feelings.
Some folk would love to be in my shoes - lovely fiance, wedding coming up, new house. But I don't deserve it. I can't appreciate it. I wish I'd never started smoking, I wish I didn't have these feelings, I wish my fiance had never met me. I'm sorry for the rant. I've got nobody else to talk to.