I'm so tired of breathing

[muddleup]

title says it all,
It's all gone so wrong that I dont think it can be fixed anymore, or is it that I dont want to fix it anymore, or I cant be fixed any more, that things around me cant be fixed anymore.

My head is soo messed up that I cant think straight.
Maybe thats the problem maybe I dont need think straight.

I'm losing the plot over tins of spaghetti, dried pasta, too much toilet roll getting used, it all stupid.

I keep seeing spiders crawling out the vent in my room, I hate them, they scare me, but when i go over they are gone, I get back into bed they are there, so I go over again and they are gone again, but now they are crawling over my feet, I cant move, cant squash them, the noise, the slimeyness (is that even a word)

I dont know what to do or how to make it all go away :(

Our of hours Gp? A&e?

mind - what to do in crisis
Sorry I'm being pulled at by a toddler but hope link helps x

Psychologist says to take pictures of what I see and then look at the picture, she says if they are real they will be on that if they aren't real then they wont be on it.
But I see them on it, my friend couldnt see what I was talking about, couldnt see what I see but they seem real, they are real to me.
I feel like I have lots of beasties crawling under my skin and I cant get them to stop.

Everything feels too much.
When I breath it hurts, just another reminder that I'm still here.
I'm broken and unfixable :(

Lovey, you might be unfixable but you're not too broken to work!

I wasn't surprised to hear you can see the spideys on your photos - when I had anorexia, I looked fat in photos (to me). Are they that scarey? Or just, well, annoying like spiders are?

I had scabies once (beasties under my skin for real) and they itched like buggery but I got rid of them :) You can get rid of feeling anxious about this lot by bringing them down to size: a nuisance, but not actually life-threatening. Neither is running low on toilet roll!

Has the Mind page helped you? Called anyone yet for support?

I had a look at it but nothing makes sense anymore.
I really struggle with talking to people I dont know on the phone and the crisis team here only work to 5 at the weekend. My GP says to phone NHS24 as they have Out of hour Cpn's but I dont know what to say, I know whats in my head but it never comes out right and I'm scared they will make me go into hospital again.

My psychologist asked me to keep a diary of how things are and split it into hours rather than days but I'm really struggling with it as I dont remember alot of it, I find I'm disassociating really badly at the moment and there is big chunks of my day missing.

I tried to go in the bath but couldnt as when it was running it was full of spiders.
I just need them to go away, they are scaring me.

Great, you can't have a crisis on a Saturday night because hey're closed?!
I'd go with GP's advice if I were you. If you know somebody who can help you deal with things is coming round, you'll feel a bit more secure.

I use the alarm on my phone to prompt me to do things like your hourly update. OK, if I'm disassociating a lot I'm capable of switching it off without even registering () but it works better than no reminders.

The spiders CAN'T hurt you. They're just not able to. In this country, they couldn't hurt you even if they were real, though they'd certainly piss you off as I'm sure yours do. Yours aren't real and they WILL NOT HURT YOU. (Real spiders aren't slimy, by the way.) Do they go away when you touch them? Have a go :)

I think it's a good idea to call that number and ask for a CPN asap. I can encourage you to be calmer with the spideys, but we've both got to get some sleep. Will you call them?

You poor thing. No advice as such I
Just wanted to Say you are not alone we are listening. is there anyone you trust in RL to come over and calm You down?

How are u feeling op?? Not wwhere u are right now but been in some very dark places. Just wanted u to know u are not alone my love.

hello muddle. i second (or third) the MIND suggestions. there are local branches and affiliated groups so if you have a look in your area you may find all sorts of support available to you including advocacy, counselling, crisis help or even just a drop in to hang out with people who will not judge you but who do understand.

can you block your vent or would that not be safe. i know some old vents are safe to block off. or maybe block it temporarily?

you say you are disassociating, is there anything you can do to try to ground yourself and stay in the present when that happens ie eat, drink, walk (something physical can often help with the spacey feeling of disassociation)

this may help:

www.myshrink.com/counseling-theory.php?t_id=13

the way often shown to help disassociation is to try to stay present. if disassociating pick an item (jewelry/fruit/flower anything ) and concentrate on it. Notice every single detail. this will hopefully help you stay in the present a bit more.

do you have a diagnosis and are you taking meds for it at all?

regarding the calling out of hrs cpns, if you are finding it all hard to articulate then maybe you could write it down and show them? alternatively do you have a friend or advocate that can help you with this?

sorry that you are experiencing this, it sounds very scary.

you can find local mind services here:

www.mind.org.uk/help/mind_in_your_area

daytime helpline:

www.mind.org.uk/help/advice_lines

Mind dont work in Scotland unfortunately.

My psychologist is trying to get me an advocacy worker as I'm struggling to deal with important things.
I am on medication but it hasnt been working for a while, dont have psychiatrist until September.
I keep getting told that the only thing that will really help is talking things through with the psychologist and I guess in a away they are right but it hurts so much and I'm really struggling with it just now.

I dont worry about the spiders hurting me, just the crawling all over me, I feel sick, even writing that down makes my stomach go in knots and I cant breath, its all so stupid, I just cant get a grip and I'm sinking fast.

It's not stupid, love. Give that up immediately! You're OK, it's a symptom of a illness which isn't stupid it just needs lots of tender loving care (by yourself and others) until it gets better.

The spidery business possibly represents something that's bothering you a lot, but haven't quite got around to looking at clearly yet. Don't try and force yourself with this, just take things naturally with your psychologist and you'll get there.

Meanwhile, the main thing for you is to reduce your anxiety which is most likely to happen if you can manage to get -er, friendly with your spiders. Or at least, feel kind of okay about them being there. Some little things that might help are talking to them (!) and touching them - only if you feel all right about giving it a try, don't force yourself. I'm thinking about treating them almost like pets

To help ground yourself and feel more comfortable in your skin, do long slow breathing and stroke yourself with nice body lotion, or whatever else feels good for you. Take your time and focus on the feeling of your comforting touch. Also, and this may sound nuts, sing! It can work wonders for all sorts of things, especially stress. If you've got enough physical energy, have a go at dancing as well. Remember dancing in front of the mirror, with the music on high, when you were a kid? Still works :)

I was looking for a particular case of persistent visual hallucinations for you, but haven't been able to find it. You might find this interesting: ajp.psychiatryonline.org/article.aspx?articleid=173598.

"Mind dont work in Scotland unfortunately."

ahh apologies. is there an equivalent?

"I am on medication but it hasnt been working for a while, dont have psychiatrist until September."

i believe that you can push to have this brought forward?

"I keep getting told that the only thing that will really help is talking things through with the psychologist and I guess in a away they are right but it hurts so much and I'm really struggling with it just now."

Things often feel worse the more you open them up. it is like cleaning a wound. but it is true that the talking will help you. but the right meds could also help you to ( you say that you have tried several? )

"I dont worry about the spiders hurting me, just the crawling all over me, I feel sick, even writing that down makes my stomach go in knots and I cant breath, its all so stupid, I just cant get a grip and I'm sinking fast."

Yep, that sounds horrible :( try some of the grounding self techniques and see if it helps at all? how do you usually deal with this?

Dont think psychiatrist can be brought forward, they are just relying on locums just now as mine left last December.

I saw psychologist this morning but I think I have just made everything worse, I dont think I can come back from this, its all too real and I'm scared.

I just mess everything up and it would be better for everyone if I wasn't here.
I dont know what to do anymore :(

Try the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. I've used them, and emailed them before when I couldn't even speak.

I have felt the same, that I don't want to be here anymore. I just try to get through the moment and hope for a better one.

Sorry I have no better advice xxx

Its nearly half 3 and i haven't managed to sleep since Thursday and even then that was only a couple of hours.
I'm having really horrible thoughts that won't go away. I need them to stop but they won't.
Tried phoning the Samaritans but it always seems to be a man that answers and i hang up.
Breathing space finished at 2 and now im on my own with my thoughts.

In my head im planning and its not nice planning, even though i no i can't go through with it just now i can't wait for the day that i can and i will be free from this pain.

Oh muddle I can't help ,but I couldn't not post

You sound so desperate and my heart aches for you. You've had some really great posts on this thread from people who understand, though I guess right now you find it hard to believe anyone understands?

Are you with anyone? Is there anyone irl who could help you?

You must be so very tired, and being alone with your thoughts in the middle of the night can be so dark and lonely. But well done for making it through so far, keep holding on and pushing for help because you deserve it, I know it seems hopeless but with the right help things can get better even if for now it's just meds that help you sleep to give you some respite

Keep posting muddle, I'm sending love to you over the www xx

Hi there, sorry to hear you're feeling so awful but I am so glad you are hanging in there. Listen to the kind thoughts, not the nasty unkind thoughts, as you deserve happiness, peace and love just as we all do.

Happy to chat to you until you get help-If you are suicidal you need to go to hospital for your safety as the horrible thoughts you are having are part of a mental illness and you deserve a beautiful happy life equally to everyone on this planet.

If possible, you could try a high strength magnesium supplement- high strength magnesium 600mg from 'Natures Way' has been great for muscular cramps and anxiety for me (they sell them at the supermarket/ health food shops ). This may help you with a calming effect- reccommended for stress/ muscular cramps/poor sleeping.

If you feel up to it, speak to the man on Samaritans and ask when you can speak to a female- tell him how you have horrible thoughts and need prompt help.

Let me know how you go

hi muddle - your mental health services place (wherever it is you go to see the psychiatrist) should always have a duty team on for crisis situations. meds not working, hallucinations, feelings of desperation etc ARE a crisis. as you're in crisis you should be able to get to see someone as an emergency - no way you should be waiting till september.

do you have a care plan? if you do there should be a section on it on who to contact out of hours and crisis procedure. if not i think you could call nhs direct tell them where you are and that you are under a psych and they should be able to give you the duty team phone number.

failing all of that you could call your gp surgery first thing in the morning and tell them it is an emergency and go tell your gp and they can communicate with mental health services on your behalf and get you an emergency appointment.

ideally you need some short term, crisis management type medication to add to what you're taking in my opinion. for example if you were bipolar they might up your moodstabiliser or add in an antipsychotic to get this episode under control. they could give you something to stop the anxiety and allow you to sleep.

please don't suffer alone! go and get some help. the sooner you see a professional who can dx and prescribe the sooner this episode can start to be put to bed x

Hi again, just wanted to say people who seek help through counselling- telephone or other counselling, therapy, medication or books are not weak.

It is courageous to seek help and introduce changes for your personal happiness. Can you do something kind for yourself every day from now on. Try to be gentle with yourself as you get through this time.

Don't think i have a care plan or if i do i haven't seen it.
Waiting on psychologist phoning me back hopefully it will be soon.
My youngest 2 are due back from their dads on Thursday and i had planned it that i wouldn't be here when they did but now I've left it too late and i hate myself for being so weak.
I'm already on antipsychotics but they foot seem to make any difference any more.

Everything is spiraling out of control and i can't cope with it.
I just need everything to stop just for a minute so i can breath, everything seems to be moving so fast around me.

well she didn't phone me, if I'd known she wasn't going to phone I could have tried to get my Cpn, but now its too late, they have all gone home.

right call cpn (glad to see you've got one) today and tell her it's an emergency. she should be able to get you in with a psychiatrist to look at your medications. also say to her that you didn't who to call, how to get help and you need a copy of your care plan and clear notes on it as to who/where to call in an emergency in and out of hours.

don't delay muddle - if you haven't already get on the phone now to her x

Hey there,

Hope you have had luck with the Samaritans, the mobile Mental Health Team or can courageously seek help at your local hospital to get through this crisis. You are not weak for hanging in there, totally the opposite, you are strong to keep seeking help to get through.

Have phoned Cpn this morning, shes not in, needed to talk to her or someone that knew me about my orthopaedic appointment this afternoon.
I've left a message for her to call me tomorrow which feels a very long way away.