I'm so tired of breathing

[muddleup]

title says it all,
It's all gone so wrong that I dont think it can be fixed anymore, or is it that I dont want to fix it anymore, or I cant be fixed any more, that things around me cant be fixed anymore.

My head is soo messed up that I cant think straight.
Maybe thats the problem maybe I dont need think straight.

I'm losing the plot over tins of spaghetti, dried pasta, too much toilet roll getting used, it all stupid.

I keep seeing spiders crawling out the vent in my room, I hate them, they scare me, but when i go over they are gone, I get back into bed they are there, so I go over again and they are gone again, but now they are crawling over my feet, I cant move, cant squash them, the noise, the slimeyness (is that even a word)

I dont know what to do or how to make it all go away :(

Hey there,

• Can you ask for help at the orthopaedic appointment today, then you can finally get your meds sorted and begin to feel well again.

Went to my appointment to find they had cancelled the clinic moved it to Friday, they couldn't understand why I was so upset, it took me forever to work up the courage to go to it, to have to be touched and now I have another 3 days of panicing.
It's all crumbling down around me

it feels like it is. that's because you're not well and overwhelmed. all of it is in reality ok and doable and nothing really has gone terribly wrong. but you're not well and everything FEELS wrong. try to remember there is a distinction there x

why don't you make an emergency appointment with your gp? they are accessible and they have the clout to get through to the other people who you are struggling to get hold of. they may also be willing to up your antipsychotic short term till they can get you in with the psychiatrist.

you have to DO something you know? i know you tried ringing the cpn but it didn't work. you can get to see your doctor so go for it. things really will get better but you have to get the ball rolling x

i agree with what swallowed says up there. deffo emerg gp appt and don't stop until they hear you. you have to fight for you. and you can. we can support you on here to offload to and listen. do you have anybody you can take along to the gp or who can fight your corner a bit?

Hey there again,

Its normal for everyone to have negative or irrational thoughts when mentally ill or depressed.

But those negative thoughts are not facts, just thoughts that come and go with the illness.

Good on you for going to the appointment, best wishes for your Friday appointment and also your GP appointment. Hope your GP can alter your meds so you can begin to feel well and have much more positive thoughts again.

right - nearly 8.30am here - don't know about your docs but with mine you have to call at 8.30 if you want squeezing in as an emergency that morning. please call them and get yourself in x

P.S.
A dear member of my family had hallucinations and severe depression also, and now she is enjoying working full time and stays on the meds that help her stay well.
She also went through stages where the meds were not working and suffered with strange hallucinations and negative thoughts until her doctor fine-tuned the meds so her negative thoughts and symptoms eased.

Her daughter loves her dearly and now that she is well,they have a gorgeous mum-child relationship.

sending you my very best get well wishes

I spoke to drs this morning they said i needed to speak to CMHT but gave me an appointment for Monday with New Dr.
Phoned my Cpn and for once she it felt like she listened to me, she said i sounded very anxious and she understood, I've to phone her tomorrow again and she will have more time to talk and hopefully help me keep calm for Fridays hospital appointment.

I feel really sick now I've told her how i feel, how i don't think my children are enough to keep me here anymore, now just waiting for the fallout :(

Good on you, you have been articulate about the illness to your CPN.

Please don't think of it as waiting for the fallout, but as getting on top of this illness so that you can get back to feeling well and happy again.

You deserve to be well and you can be with the right meds and support. Keep talking about everything with the CPN when you phone tomorrow so that she can start helping you get well again.

Many people suffer with mental illness but once onto the right meds and care plan, can be back to feeling well again.

I am sending you lots of hugs for encouragement

This hurts soo much.
My kids are back in the morning and I have to tell them their guinea pig died tonight while I was holding her.
The last thing their f*ckwit of a dad said to them before they went with him 2 weeks ago was say goodbye to your guinea pigs as they wont be here when you come back:(
I hate this life, I hate everything about it, its too hard to keep doing this

OK I believe you need urgent help today not tomorrow, so please for me go to your nearest hospital to seek urgent care as you deserve to be well and happy.

All is not lost. You can soften the blow for your kids by getting a bunny so they have something to care for. (ask the pet shop, bunnies need carrots, celery, grass/lettuce, water similar food to guineau pigs I think) Its morning here in Australia, what time is it there?

Sending more hugs

it's ten to two here.
I have an appointment in the morning with my psychologist and I guess I really need to be very honest and hope she hears how bad I feel.

It feels so stupid, I have managed to keep it together in that I've not done alot of crying, but now the flood gates have opened I cant stop the tears, I phoned the vet while she was what looked like fitting on my knee but by the time they called back she was gone and I fell apart, couldn't talk, couldn't say anything that could be understood so my oldest went on the phone and now we have to take the other piggy in in the morning to check she is ok.

It feels like the straw that broke the camels back and everything is tumbling down around me.

I'm sat here watching trashy TV in the hope that I just fall asleep but I keep screaming at the TV so need to find something else to do.

Try a warm milk or hot chocolate. Put on music you like, get a magazine and pain your nails.
or have a bath with lavender or just bubbles from some shampoo, or warm shower, then the warm drink and be kind to yourself, paint your nails a new colour, or put on body lotion.
Your oldest will be so sad for you darl so give him a cuddle too as you guys need to care for each other through this tough time.

Sending more hugs

Thank you for listening to me go on, I'm going to go upstairs to bed and try and sleep.
Thank you again x

Thank-you for listening to me!

try the bath/shower/warm drink/self care next time you wake

Sending hugs x

Do something lovely with your kids when they're back- a hot chocolate and DVD night or something. Dont worry if they argue or yr X argues, just focus on being gentle with yourself and gentle with them. Its not worth it to get upset while you are feeling so fragile. Throw out all the high expectations of yourself and just focus on sharing special time with the kids.

I believe in you
more hugsx