Post Natal Psychosis

[SarryB]

I was told at a Dr's appointment last week that I have PND, and have been having psychotic episodes. LO is 13 weeks old. I have been put on Sertraline for the PND, but the Dr decided that I don't need anything for the psychosis, as it improved in the past couple of weeks, and she seems to think that the episodes are not too extreme, and there is no chance of danger to myself or the baby.

Basically, I do not feel related to LO at all. I can't even say out loud that he is mine (it even makes me feel sick just to type it). To begin with, I maybe thought that he had been swapped at the hospital but I know this didn't happen - firstly because I was the only pregnant woman in there (very small MLU), and secondly, because I don't think there is another child out there that is actually mine. It's like the whole birth was just in my mind and I never even gave birth to a baby. One minute I was fat, and the next, there was a baby.

He is not being neglected. I treat him the same way I would treat any baby - I have a strong maternal instinct, being one of the eldest of 7 children, and would look after anyone's child or baby if they wanted me to. I was a nursery assistant too before I got pregnant. He is a smiley boy, with tremendous cradle cap and big bright blue eyes. I do not find him any cuter than other babies.

I keep thinking that his mum will come to pick him up, and I often whisper in ear when he's crying 'don't worry, your mummy will be here soon'. If someone turned up at the door claiming to be his mum, I would've handed him over without question - this feeling has slightly changed in the past two weeks, in that now I would need a bit of proof, like maybe them knowing a certain detail about him.

I'm not sure what I really want to say...I just needed to type this. Every story that I find about post natal psychotic episodes that I can find on the internet seem to be extreme - thinking the baby is possessed, or the TV sending secret messages.

Anyone experience anything similar?

Sarry, I think you should go back to your doctor today and show her what you've written. Do you have a printer?

I think you really need help. It's what you'd advise someone else to do, isn't it?

Frankly, I don't think GPs are very good with anything out of the ordinary like this. There are specialists who will have come across this frequently and your doctor should refer you to one immediately.

Do you have a partner or husband? Could you show him what you've written?

How are you managing at home alone? Do you have a mum or sister or friend you can call on?

Please phone the doctor now. The receptionist will tell you that there are no appointments, but say, "I need to be seen urgently. I have just had a baby and I'm having psychotic episodes." I know you don't think you are, but that will guarantee you an appointment today.

Please keep posting.

Sorry, by the Dr, I meant the psychiatrist - I'm seeing a CPN weekly, as well as seeing the psychiatrist next week again for the second time. Sorry for the confusion.

My partner is very helpful, he has known how I feel pretty much all along. I am lucky in that we live in the same building where he works, so he is never far if I need him. I live in the Highlands of Scotland, and I don't drive - we are quite far away from 'civilisation' as we call it round here, but I've lived in more isolated places, and have never found that to be a problem. My mum is miles away in England, but always at the other end of the phone.

The psychiatrist knows how I feel - I told her pretty much the same thing I have written down here. I'm just having trouble finding information about how to deal with it, other than 'take the pills, you'll feel better soon'. Like I said, all the stories I can find from other women who have suffered this seem to be at the extreme end with hallucinations etc. Considering that it's supposed to affect one in every 1000 women after birth, I thought there would be more info on it.

Hey. Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Nothing prepares you for feeling 'wrong' in relation to your baby. I remember feeling that everything I heard, from every source, was all about the 'rush of love' 'instant bond' etc etc.

Well, for me it was fuck all like that. And I felt like a monster. As it turns out I'm actually a fairly alright person... but back then I wouldn't have believed you if you'd told me that.

I don't have loads of advice. I don't think I know enough about psychosis either as that was not in my diagnosis. What I would say is keep talking, to your partner, to the psychiatrist, to your hv, to your mum, to anyone who will support you. and also try and hang on to the fact that you are not alone, and you will get through this.

I know you say that you have never felt isolated where you live before BUT when I had ds1 I was living in the middle of a fairly large city, and TBH I have never felt so alone. It's good that your partner is around, but I think having someone to stay, that is there just to hang out with you (and give you a break) would be good. get your mum to come and stay.

You're alright you know. You've recognised what is going on and you are taking steps to get better. You are caring for your LO. Essentially, you rock :)

Give yourself time to feel the 'right' stuff. It will happen. You may have noticed I referred to 'ds1' above. Yep, after everything, after all the weirdness and shit I went through after his birth, I did it again :)

I hope there is something vaguely helpful in all that rambling. X

Thanks ginhag - it's comforting to know that you went through ahead and had another child.

I just don't understand why I feel like this, I just want to feel right. I feel so guilty that I am not giving him a 'mothers love', I can't help feeling that he's missing out on something he should be getting from me. I am breast-feeding, and persevered through it being really really difficult because I thought that it would help me feel right. It doesn't.

The CPN suggested 'homestart'? A charity which helps people out at home, but I'm terrified that if someone comes along to look after LO for a bit, that I will refuse to take him back.

Sarry, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I also suffered with a few episodes of psychosis after having dd. I can totally relate to how you feel like your baby isn't yours. I felt like that too. At one point I really believed that dh had had an affair, had brought the baby home and was trying to pass her off as mine. I did remember the labour but it was like something I had watched on the tv rather than what I'd experienced.

The main thing that worked for me was time. Dd is now 2.10 and things are much better. I did spend time in a psychiatric hospital and I'm still on a fair few meds, but slowly things did improve and dd and I eventually built an amazing bond.

I still sometimes have a feeling like she is dh daughter and I'm just looking after her but I can now push those thoughts out of my head and I do know she is mine.

You sound like you are doing all the right things. Please just be kind to yourself and take things slowly. I promise you things will improve.

Homestart sounds like a good idea. They won't actually take sole charge of your ds. Rather they'll do things with you and support you.

Keep talking x

By the way there is no 'right' way to feel. Some women do feel an instant rush of love the moment their baby is born but many don't. I have 3 dc and It always took me a while to build up a bond with each of them and to feel like I loved them.

He's not missing out. You are looking after him. He is warm, fed, cared for.

The rest will come. The most important thing you can do now is to look after yourself, and give yourself a chance to feel better.

You need support. Someone you trust that you can lean on. Whether going through an organisation like sure start or getting a close friend or relative to stay and be there for you.

And yep, as memoo says, keep talking x

Ps sometimes a 'Mother's love' is carrying on doing what's needed to care for your child without the rush of the 'good stuff' to carry you along. That is a really hard, and really brave thing to do. Don't underestimate what you are doing now. You are getting through despite how you feel.

I personally think that is something to be proud of xx

I can only say that a friend of mine suffered in a similar way to you, but found her baby terrifying, and felt that he was in danger. It took her ages to get a diagnosis and she was nearly sectioned as the hospital missed essential signs of PNP.
She was interviewed in newspapers and on television. I can send you some links if you think they will be helpful?

She had to go through a few different medications before she found one that suited, but now has been able to reduce/come off them completely and is feeling normal again.

I suppose I am ultimately trying to say that you are getting through it, and you will come out the other side.

Thank you.

I have told a close friend today what I am going through - I see her regularly and she said you would never notice that anything was wrong. She said she couldn't believe that I had been feeling like this for 3 months and not said anything to her - but she did say that she didn't leave her house for 4 months after her first baby was born. It's weirdly comforting to know that she has felt a bit weird after her baby too.

Yesterday I had a real meltdown while my OH was at work. I had to leave LO in his cot to cry for 15 minutes and hide in the kitchen as I just couldn't hold him without feeling sick. I felt awful when I finally went back in and he had little fat tears rolling down his cheeks. I am a terrible person at times.

Thank you memoo - it's comforting to read other's stories and know that things and feelings do change over time. Sometimes I just don't even know where this baby came from, and why his mum has left him here.

You are not a terrible person at all. Crying babies are the most stress inducing creation. But you did the right thing by leaving him where he was safe until you felt more able to cope.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I havent had any experience of this so cant advise any further than what has already been said. I just wanted to say that you sound like you are doing everything you should be and that in itself is an expression of love. Try not to pressure yourself because you dont have the expected rush of love for him. It does not make you a terrible person.

Yes, I have posted about this before. When my first was born, it was very traumatic - shoulder dystocia left him with erbs palsy, he had to be resuscitated, I hemorrhaged, we both could have died.

I started to think that he had died and he'd been replaced by a demon. I used to see his face change when I looked at him. He seemed to leer at me, evilly. I used to shake and sweat when I changed his nappy and I'd spend hours going over in my head how he'd got totally wedged and died and how they had cut him into pieces to get him out of me.

I have a previous history of mhp, including being sectioned. So we hid it. Which was the worst thing we could possibly have done. I wasn't 'right' for several years.

You have to go and get some help. It's hell on earth and you can't do this alone.

A crying baby is the mist stressful thing ever! It makes my stomach churn even thinking about it. Putting your ds down and sitting in another room for a while is absolutely the right thing to do. I very occasionally use to put the radio on to drown out the crying

Nothing you've said makes me think you're doing a bad job. You sound like you're actually doing fab. Please try not be so hard on yourself x

Hecate, I'm so sorry you went through that. What a crap society we live in when a struggling mother is too scared to ask for help. Sadly, it's not an uncommon story. I did get help but hid certain aspects (voices) from my cpn and psychiatrist. It's probebly the reason it took me so long to get better.

I often see new mothers with a rather traumatised look in their eyes and I just want to wrap my arms around them and tell them it will be ok.

Yes, it was bad. My husband was terrified they would take our baby away from us.

WHICH THEY WOULD NOT! I can't stress that enough to others. We had an irrational fear which caused us to do the wrong thing and which really prolonged my suffering!

I am not making this thread me me me but if someone can read it and not make the choice that we made, and their life is made better for getting the help they need and deserve, then I will be happy.

Thanks for posting hecate - I am a little bit worried sometimes that the baby will get taken away, not only because I would miss him, but I also feel like his real mum would be so disappointed and angry at me because I haven't looked after him properly.

I haven't heard voices, but I do tend to think in my head 'his mum will come and get him' over and over like a mantra some nights when I can't sleep.

Hecate that was an amazingly honest post. And I'm sorry, I feel like maybe I have been playing down what the OP is going thru.

That really wasn't my intention, I just wanted to say that feeling distant and and detached from your baby is more common than most people would think.

I think you are right ginhag - it's not talked about.

But it's not that I feel distanced from the baby - I feel like I am no relation to him whatsoever. There's no link in my head between the pregnancy and the birth.

another one who has had post natal pyschosis.

it was after the birth of my ds4 and i knew i wasnt right, crazy thoughts, hallucinations (of minature dinosaurs of all things!) saw the gp a few times but was fobbed off as it was my 4th and 'i knew what i was doing' etc. my hv actually FORGOT to do the edinburgh post natal health quiestionaire thingy.

it took me to get to breaking point and be at the point of smothering my baby and wanting to kill myself and all my other kids etc when i cracked and dp who knew i was struggling (but had no idea how much) marched me to the gp and refused to leave until we were seen. total breakdown at gp's who then called in emergency mental health team and i was hopitalised the same day.

thankfully i only had to stay in a week but it was awful being away from my children and there was no mother or baby unit near me so i was on a general psych unit, intersting!

anyway i had some medication and a GREAT cpn and have recovered and since had baby no 5 who is now 19mths old and had NO problems at all.

i had a very odd hormonal imbalance (they discovered when i was in the psych unit) whic mean i had to have an emergency mri to check for a brain tumour, i go for all the drama me i didnt have a tumour and they dont know what caused my hormones to go so mental, but it was decided it was my hormone problems and lack fo sleep that led to my mh problems.

my ds4 was a quick easy birth in a birth pool, all 10lb 13oz of him! BUT we had to stay in as he was 'grunty' and had breathing issues as he was born so quickly, he got worse during the night and th paeds were called to check him out etc, thankfully as he was so big, he was strong and was fine, but it REALLY made me paranoid so when he slept i would watch him sleep! and that was the start of it i think, that lack of sleep, trying to look after 3 older children and carry on as tho i was fine and i DID puta very good front on to everyone, i attended my sisters wedding a few days before i was admitted to psych unit! but in reality as falling apart.

anyway as i said i DID get well, the first yr of ds4's life isa bit of a blur and i feel gutted about that, or did but my dp got time off work and then reduced hours for a while, we got a hoemstart helper, i took my medication! and saw my cpn and gradually i got well again. theree was no magic defining moment it was a long slow process with a few blips on the way (including one quite dramatic one)

my ds4 is now 4 and i love him just as much as my others and he is a delight, as i said ih ave since had no 5, dd who is 19mths, i stayedon a low dose of citalopram during the preg, 'just in case' and was monitered by my cpn and the midwife etc but all was fine. i am now med free and life is great.

PLEASE GET HELP!! keep talking on here, and you are doing ok with regards to caring for your baby, you are there and holding him and feeding him etc, take it a day at a time or even anhour at a time. go for a walk each day if you can, may calm a crying baby just to stick him in a pram or sling and walk.

i agree yo udid the right thing by walking away, its something ALL parents have to do sometimes, i promise you even now i have to do it, i tend to sit on my back step so i can hear that the are ok, and have a cup of tea nd a fag (not recomending you start smoking btw! i had stopped for 9yrs and started again in the psych unit!) but it helped me and is next on my list of things to srot out! i stopped again for preg and bfeeding of dd but tbh i like it its gives me 5 mins peace here and there, i dont drink at all, so its 'my' thing.

sorry am waffling on, i just want you to know you are NOT alone, many of us have been there and its not talked about :( but it really should be, you are not a bad mum, you are ill and struggling, but i promise you, you WILL get well again xxx

What a story 5madthings - I think that was part of my problem. I'm a 'coper' as my mum puts it, you'd never know the half of what was going on inside my head. And even when I do tell, I rarely tell the full story. I honestly hate thinking that people think I might not be able to cope with something.

I just still can't believe it's talked about so little when 1 in every 1000 women suffer from it.

People telling you "it will get better" when you are feeling so horrendous seems like very little consolation, but the reason it gets said so much is because it's true. I know that when I was experiencing prenatal depression, postnatal depression and a terrifying few days when I felt like a voice was telling me to kill myself, I could not believe that I would ever feel 'normal' again. But I did, and I still do. My DS is 4 now and I love him more than I would ever thought possible, but that love took a while to come, I would say not until he was around 7 or 8 months did I start to feel really close to him, and I didn't start to adore him in the way I do now until he was nearly 2. People don't talk about their experiences with severe PND or PPS because I think it is often just something they want to forget about. But I do go out of my way to tell new mothers that for every mum that falls in love with her new baby there is another one who struggles. The best thing that happened to me was joining a PND support group ( referrred by my Health visitor i think) run at a nearby Childrens Centre, when DS was about 6 months, I met some great friends who I am still friends with now. Despite the difficulties with your location, is there any way that you could do that? I hope you begin to feel better soon xx

I just received a letter for an appointment to have an EEG. No one has mentioned anything about needing one of these to me. I'm scared. I really am mad aren't I?

I've now been prescribed Quetiapine (anti-psychotic) alongside Sertraline (anti-depressant). All these pills!

I had another meltdown on Monday and screamed at the baby. I don't understand why his mum hasn't come to get him yet. My head is so mixed up. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I just don't feel related to him at all. I like him very much, and feel great affection towards him - I'd be mortified if something bad happened to him - but mostly because his mum would be so disappointed and angry with me if I hurt her baby. I don't see how I'm ever going to be able to get over this feeling.
Sometimes I just wish she'd hurry up and get him, I keep wondering if random women I see could be his mum. Sometimes I want to ask them if they're looking for their baby.

Sarry, the EEG is down to the meds.

I've spent a long, long time in a mother and baby psych unit. 8 weeks when he was first born, then 3 months when he was 5mo. I was under the team from when I first got pregnant till now.

I saw some very, very ill mums. Peri natal psych teams deal with problems such as yours all day, every day. Ask your GP for the referral.

I've seen a psychiatrist, who's discussed things with the perinatal and neurologist doctors.

Are you 'better' now? How did you cope your feelings?...sometimes everything is just so overwhelming.