I dislike my child

[TheMonster]

DS is 6 in October. I had an awful pregnancy with him and a traumatic birth. I went completely bonkers after he was born and had nothing to do with him. My DP did everything. I went back to work when DS was 4 months old.
When DS was 14 months old I had a massive breakdown and had to leave work. I didn't leave the house for a long time.
I've now been back working for just over two years and I love my job. I have as little as possible to do with DS and DP does 99% of the stuff for him.
Except now. It's the summer holidays and because I am off to I have to look after him. I hate it.

Yes I agree the GP is a good start.

Motherhood is bloody hard and feeling guilty and thinking you have to live up to a certain expectation makes it even harder.

I think you need to know your own limitations and accept that, there are plenty of us who do not want to do the SAHM part but love our children just as much.
You shouldnt feel you are a bad mum, just because you do not want to be with your Dc all the time.

I felt no rush of love for either of my children. I think this is far more normal than you think but because it is never spoken about, mothers who do not instantly love their children feel a crushing weight of guilt. This in turn stands in the way of the bonding process

I remember standing on the drive when ds was a baby, sobbing at the sight of dh driving away because I could not bear to be left alone with him. I hated every minute of it and absolutely loved being at work. Because of my feelings, my son (I think) did not bond with me either for some time.

I did not have a break down, but was very depressed for a long time.

I have bonded with my children now and they with me (they are 7 and 9. The thing that helped most was some advice I received early on. I was told to "just pretend". I did, I pretended that I loved my children and if they did not always appear to love me I ignored it. Slowly, without even noticing it happen I really did come to love them and to no longer fear being left on my own with them. I no longer actively seek or need time apart from them.

You can do this.

I don't think you should leave your family and I'm a bit surprised that has been suggested by so many posters.

i just wanted to say that. Lots of people suffer from mental health issues and / or don't like being primary carer even for short periods of time. i don't think that means they should remove themselves from the family unit. that is not the answer IMO.

Op I didn't get the rush of love with my first born either , and actually up to the age of 5 I didn't really enjoy being around her .

That doesn't mean I wasn't a good mum to her in those difficult years .

Sometimes it take years to bond fully with your child , and as long as your still meeting the child's needs and being kind then don't worry about it . The bond will eventually come .
Sometimes it's just a gradual thing that creeps up when your not noticing , I think the " rush of love " is the expected reaction to seeing your newborn , but I honestly think that more women say they have it when they don't .

I think if you think about how you fell in love with your Dh/dp , only a few would insist they had the "love at first sight ,struck by lightning bolt" type . Most lasting relationships have the slow start , I know mother -child love is of course different to a couples love , but love is love so why can't a slow start mother child bond be as widely accepted as " normal " ? .

I think a lot more women would be more honest if there wasn't this stupid idea that anything less than instant adoration isn't good enough .

For what it's worth when my oldest was born , my first thought was " FFs , they not even cleaned it , it's covered in goo/blood "

That tiny goo covered screaming " it" , is now my bright ,beautiful almost 17 year old , and seriously she's the dogs bollocks ....one of my favourite people ever , and I marvel at how good our bond is now .

Funny thing also , with each baby after her " the bond " came a bit quicker . The only one I had " the rush " with was dd4 , and I think it was because she was born in her caul and was silent after a dodgy labour ( distress , twins, ventouse then forceps) and we thought she had died ..when we were told she was ok I got the rush . I think it was relief that she was ok and fear that she had gone that caused it ...I don't think it was a " normal" reaction to a birth for me .

Op your too hard on yourself .

Look at what you have don't for your ds ...you went back to work to provide him with the things he needs ( food , roof over his head , clothes , toys ect )
You work hard to do this .
Your dp does most of the childcare because that's the set up in your family , its no different than if it was the other way around ( man working & woman being main child carer ) . Stop feeling guilty .

Have done ,not have don't ( stupid iPhone)

Of course you can be a good mum. It sounds like you want to be a good mum.

I wish I had more useful words, but the fact that you are posting and acknowledging this... just means there is hope.

I struggled with my DD when she was born. I regretted her for several months But, you can turn this around.