I dislike my child

[TheMonster]

DS is 6 in October. I had an awful pregnancy with him and a traumatic birth. I went completely bonkers after he was born and had nothing to do with him. My DP did everything. I went back to work when DS was 4 months old.
When DS was 14 months old I had a massive breakdown and had to leave work. I didn't leave the house for a long time.
I've now been back working for just over two years and I love my job. I have as little as possible to do with DS and DP does 99% of the stuff for him.
Except now. It's the summer holidays and because I am off to I have to look after him. I hate it.

Hello there. You sound very, very down on yourself (and like you're asking for a pasting). Have you had, and are you still having, any counselling over this? Do you feel like it's been helpful? Are you on any medication?

I'm certainly not asking for a pasting. I just need to let it out.
I am on medication and I have been since the breakdown.
I had some counselling at the time and it helped me to get on with my life, but it wasn't specific to parenting and so didn't address those issues.

DP knows but to be honest I think he doesn't know what to do about it either.

I never, ever wanted children. It was a rash decision by DP and I and I got pregnant very quickly. I think if it had taken longer I would have changed my mind.

Maybe this is a specific issue you need to speak to someone about rather than general coping with life counselling.

On a practical note can you take him to groups/holiday play activity days? That way you have some adult contact and it's not just the 2 of you. Might make it feel less intense?

I think you need to consider living apart from your husband and your child. It's a very unhealthy atmosphere for both you and your son to live in.

Your child is likely to grow up with self esteem issues if his mum avoids him.

Whilst you dislike your son, please care enough about him to make sure he has a happy home life. At the moment, I think that means he must be apart from you.

Your poor son I'm afraid I agree with imperial above.

OP, I've just seen another thread of yours.

Are you pregnant?

Another who regretfully agrees with Imperial I think.
I'm sorry, but I think it might be for the best.

I don't think that this is a hopeless case. I went a bit bonkers when DS was born and also later. I'm currently feeling very detached from my children due to a horrid episode of depression, but leaving the family home is no way to solve the problem.

As you get better from your breakdown, you need to find small ways that you can bond with your DS as that was what was missing at the start. Do you do anything for yourself or can you think of an activity you could do together? Even something as simple as playing with Playdoh or building something with Lego could be a good start.

Don't beat yourself up as that won't help at all. Just take small steps to make things better.

I don't think the OP is beating herself up. She's happy at work and avoids her son. She dislikes him.

I think I agree with others who say you shouldn't be around your son, he will pick up that you avoid him & it's not fair, he didn't ask to be born.

It's very sad you feel this way though.

I do agree that help must be sought.

The problem for me with this thread is that the OP isn't asking what she should do. She's stated she dislikes her son and avoids him but doesn't ask how she can change this or whether she should even attempt to.

What's your goal, OP?

Thanks for the replies. No, I am not pregnant.

Living apart is something we have looked into, but it's not possible financially, and I don't think it would help. I would retreat into depression.

My goal is to be 'normal', whatever the hell that is.

I'm trying today. DS and I have made plans to feed the ducks later on.

My mum was very negative when I told her I was pregnant with DS (in a 'you've ruined your life' kind of way) even though I was 28 at the time. She didn't have a good relationship with her mother, and then abandoned her first three children. I do wonder if that all has a bearing on how I am.

I feel cheated. So many people spoke about a massive bond, rush of love etc when you first see or hold you child. I just remember thinking 'shit. What now?'

I guess I am just not a maternal person. Does that mean I can't be a decent mum?

OP , i sympathise, i think your relationship w yr mother could have a massive bearing on all this. However, I think you need appropriate psychotherapy ASAP - transactional analysis on parent/adult/child roles might also really help you understand what's happening. you really can turn this round with knowledge and support. Good luck.

OP - I certainly didn't have the "rush of love" either. In fact my first words were "take it away". I don't admit that to many people as it is so frowned upon.

I too find being with my children hard and I so wish I was an "earth mother" who adores being with them and playing with them - but I'm not.

What I am is a mum who does love my boys but doesn't feel the need to be with them every minute of everyday. I fill my days with them by trying to do stuff with other people and enjoy seeing them having fun with others.

The guilt is huge but I think that is parent hood anyway.

Could you work full time and your husband part-time?

I'm not cut out to be a SAHM, I'm just not and I accept that. Some people are not. But I don't go to work because I dont like my children, I do it because it gives me something else in my life.

You sound very very sad. You can be not so maternal and still be a good parent. You can still be a good parent even if you don't feel that initial rush of love. But it sounds as though your situation is slightly different.

Can I ask, have you spoken to anyone else about this? Have you asked for professional help, counseling etc?

I think you need to, your dc will pick up on the fact you don't want to be around him.

Thank you, Great Expectations. I just don't know where to turn for help. The GP?

MyBoys, it's reassuring that I am not the only one. I'd love DP to work part-time - it would ease the guilt about DS being in child care around school (7.30am - 6pm), but I don't think it is feasible.

I certainly didn't feel a 'rush of love' towards my son after he was born, I was tired, in pain & basically told my husband to hold him as I couldn't deal with him right then.

I think you can still be a great mum but it will take effort on your part. You said you've made plans today to go out which is great.

And I doubt there are many parents on here who don't have the odd moment when they would cheerfully put their child on another continent just for 5 minutes peace.

Good luck x

I had meds a long time ago and they made me feel really flat, nothing good, nothing bad. I could have left dh and my beloved cat and I didn't feel anything at all for them. (I didn't have Ds then). Could it be similar for you? Have you tried different meds or could you come off them?

I think counselling would help, particularly what you're saying about your mum says and how this would have a bearing on how you were brought up. What messages have you been given about being a mum and how to feel about and interact with children throughout your entire life?

Are you at home with Ds over the summer? Could you plan something to do everyday so he does lots of fun things that you can dip in and out of? For example, cinema, you both sit there. Play place, he plays, you sit there and watch. Play dates, he plays with friends, you do something else. Holiday club for a week? Perhaps the pressure of being smiley huggy mum is too much for you right now, but there's lots of ways you could support your Ds and your relationship with him until you sort yourself out. And I think you really need to sort yourself out.

Having read your latest posts....you know what? I don't think you dislike your child. Far from it. I think you dislike the pressure of being a mum...which is quite different, but will make you beat yourself up to the point that you are worried it's a lack of love.

Love manifests itself in many ways you know....guilt being one of the biggies.

Fwiw - I don't enjoy playing with my kids either. I'm not a playing mummy. I will take them to places, and organise things so they can play...and I get pleasure from knowing they are happy and catered for...but I'm rarely to be found playing WITH them....iyswim? I will be reading a book in the corner.
I find playing with them mind numbing - and there is nothing I can do about that. I have tried to make myself do it...but nope...it's just not my bag and that's that.
I don't feel 'bad' about it any more (though when my eldest was a tot, I really did) - I make up for it in other ways. I don't mind reading to them for example, so I do lots of that. I'm outdoorsy (as is dh) - so they benefit from that element of my personality.
Although I am quite arty...I hate doing arts and crafts with my kids. Rarely do it. They love it, but it leaves me cold.

Some mums aren't of the 'earth mother' mould. Some mums would rather eat a bucket of cold sick with a fork than be a SAHM. That's okay!

I think a trip to your GP is a good start...although there are other places you can seek advice and support...like Parentline for example...where you can spill it all out and they will support and advise you. That's what I would do in your position...I would start with the people that have dealt with this before...and they certainly will have.

You can do something about this...realising you're not alone is half the battle won.

Very good luck x