So so scared of these feelings

[inmymind]

NC for this.

I don't understand why I feel so low and anxious. Why now at nearly 40 years old?
I am at a time in my life when I have less worries than I have ever had after some truly tough times in the past.
Now my mind won't let me be happy, what started as health anxiety is turning into something that I fear will be a complete breakdown

On the surface I am holding everything together and I have been able to confide in Dh who himself has suffered depression in the past.

He thinks medication is the answer but I am beyond scared of the possible side effects. I have tried some natural methods with thanks to these boards, such as omega 3 but after an up period I am very very down again.

Please help

Hi. I'm the same age as you and was always pretty laid back until a period of partly health-related anxiety after having my 2nd dc. It has recurred occasionally over the last few years. The things which have helped me are regular strenuous exercise and a couple of books on 'mindfulness'. The exercise made a huge difference - I can feel myself starting to get jittery if I don't do any for a while. Hope you find something which works for you.

Thanks for the response Holmes (love the nn btw)

Funnily enough I was reading about mindfulness this morning after reading about it on here, tbh I am willing to try anything

My biggest fear is that these feelings will worsen its like I can't imagine myself feeling better which probably doesn't help

I suppose what I'm asking on here is can the mind be 'cured' so to speak without medication?

I guess that depends on the severity of the problem. It sounds like what you're most anxious about is the anxiety itself! I know how that feels - it's kind of a vicious circle. I think the mindfulness thing can really help with those sorts of thoughts. I'd recommend either 'Wherever you go, there you are' or 'Full Catastrophe Living', both by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Even just reading them was helpful, but for the full benefit you obviously need to actually do what thebook says!

Woke up by dd2 early and immediately felt very low. Managed to get a little more sleep and felt in a slightly better place since.

I'm trying hard to visualise positive things when I can feel the negativity creeping in.
Some of my feelings are so hopeless that I wonder if I can get through this without help from the dr?

I don't want my fear of being medicated to make the situation worse

hi inmymind
how are you feeling now? why not go to dr and just have a chat and see what they suggest? you obviously dont have to agree to medication, but they could refer you to cbt, which challenges the way you think about things.. hope you are ok.

Hi peppapiglet

I've made a conscious effort to try to be more positive today, it's helped a little.
Holmes hit the nail on the head saying that I'm anxious about the anxiety itself.

I keep thinking 'what if I got worse? What would happen then?' I realise these thoughts aren't productive just difficult to get rid of

I have made an appointment for gp tomo just to see what she can suggest

That's what the mindfulness helped with. Every time I felt the anxious feelings start, I would immediately panic and try to shut out or fight the feelings, which of course just made me feel more anxious. One of the things that mindfulness teaches you to do is to just 'be with' those feelings, or kind of observe them in an interested but dispassionate way. Sounds impossible, but it works! For me, the anxiety started when I had dangerously high blood pressure after ds' birth. Every time I felt anxious, I felt I could sense my bp rising and thought I might have a heart attack or stroke any minute (having been told this was a risk with my bp level). So it was very hard to control my fear. At first, I coped by kind of withdrawing within myself, trying to fight the panic and remain calm. I don't know if this rings any bells with you. It wasn't until I sort of 'let go' and stopped trying to shut the anxiety out that I began to feel better.

You could try eating 2 or 3 portions of cabbage or brocolli a week.That can help some people.

Inmymind sorry to hear you are feeling the symptoms of this horrid illness known as depression and anxiety. I know the torment at first hand. I have had 2 major episodes (but 15 years apart) and both time on psych ward for 3 months with severe depression. I made complete recovery from the first episode, but the last one Easter 2010 I have not made a full recovery and my life is strange because I can be fine for weeks (even 2 months once) and then without warning I wake and feel the full horror of the depression and don't want to get up, want to hide under duvet, cry on and off through the day and if I'm lucky get gradually better through the day. I am on an AD and will stay on them for life, as I think my 2nd episode was caused by stopping the ADs (even though I did it gradually) after being on them for 15 years.

I am always a bit surprised at how worried posters are about taking ADs - I think it's something to do with the stigma that still exists around mental ill health. All drugs have side effects (even paracetomol) but I have found them to be life savers - quite literally.

Have just noticed you have made an appt with GP tomorrow - good! Be interested to hear how you get on.

Holmes can you recommend a particular book on mindfulness as I would like to try it. My CPN wanted me to but I wasn't ready at the time.

As for the broccoli and cabbage - well words fail me million years - to be honest I would be willing to eat a field full of every veg under the sun if I thought it would help. I know we should eat healthily whether we are depressed or not, but sometimes when we are very low, we either don't eat or eat something that is quick and easy.

Yes, Nana Nina - I'd recommend either Full Catastrophe Living, or Wherever You Go, There You Are (both by Jon Kabat-Zinn, who seems to be pretty much THE world-wide respected mindfulness guy). You can also buy his CDs for doing guided meditation, although I find the instructions in the book sufficient. The only problem is finding the time to do them! I find it makes a huge difference to me, but once I start to feel better, I tend to stop doing it so regularly, which is very silly really. Even just reading the book is helpful though - it really does make you look at things in a different way. It makes me think that there are so many things wrong with the way most of us run our lives. Reading it was kind of a lightbulb moment for me, but old habits die hard - I have to re-read from time to time to remind me of how much sense it all makes. Sorry - this probably sounds a bit cryptic when you haven't read it! It's worth reading some of the reviews on Amazon - they are glowing.

brocolli and cabbage can be eaten raw,raw vegetables is some of the quickest food going.
NanaNina,you are being rude to me.
You have been rude I think to me before,and I have left it.I appreciated that soemtimes you can be in a bad place.
But I am not prepared to leave it a second time,as that then allows a person to get away with something repeatedly.

NanaNina thank you for your insightful post.
I hadn't considered that aspect that even every day drugs have side effects.

I think it's the fear of stepping into the unknown by taking AD and also my good old 'what's ifs' that they don't work then where will I be?

amillionyears I understand where you were coming from with your advice I am asking for natural methods of recovery. Honestly every piece of advice is a comfort to me at present.

Will report back after my appointment

Good luck with the appointment.

The UK recommendations is CBT for anxiety and to do it without drugs if at all possible, which it is not always the case, so take your GPs advice.

Anxiety is a primary feeling and one that is highly helpful for survival, so is genetically dominant and bread into our species. This sounds like waffle, but the important thing to remember is that it does mean that we get false alarms that go off regularly and can make us overly twitchy about anxiety, with our radars primed.

One of the radars, as Holmes says, are secondary thoughts (or feelings) about feelings, so the alarm goes off again, even in the absence of the feelings ('what if they return'). Mindfulness is very helpful and if you can stay in the present, you can switch off the primary and secondary alarms - try postponing worry until tomorrow and have A/B days where on one day you postpone worry and on another you exaggerate it.

Jon K-Z is good and The Mindful Way Through Depression has a good CD, also Be Mindful Online is a very good online tutorship over four weeks into mindfulness and I think is £60. You may want to look at Kelly Wilson's book, Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: A Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety www.amazon.com/Things-Might-Terribly-Horribly-Wrong/dp/1572247118

Good luck - once you can tune out of the alarms and decatastrophise your feelings, you will be truly liberated. You can do it - read the books if you can do, or do the video course, but whatever you do, keep practising it.

Good luck with the appointment.

The UK recommendations is CBT for anxiety and to do it without drugs if at all possible, which it is not always the case, so take your GPs advice.

Anxiety is a primary feeling and one that is highly helpful for survival, so is genetically dominant and bread into our species. This sounds like waffle, but the important thing to remember is that it does mean that we get false alarms that go off regularly and can make us overly twitchy about anxiety, with our radars primed.

One of the radars, as Holmes says, are secondary thoughts (or feelings) about feelings, so the alarm goes off again, even in the absence of the feelings ('what if they return'). Mindfulness is very helpful and if you can stay in the present, you can switch off the primary and secondary alarms - try postponing worry until tomorrow and have A/B days where on one day you postpone worry and on another you exaggerate it.

Jon K-Z is good and The Mindful Way Through Depression has a good CD, also Be Mindful Online is a very good online tutorship over four weeks into mindfulness and I think is £60. You may want to look at Kelly Wilson's book, Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: A Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety www.amazon.com/Things-Might-Terribly-Horribly-Wrong/dp/1572247118

Good luck - once you can tune out of the alarms and decatastrophise your feelings, you will be truly liberated. You can do it - read the books if you can do, or do the video course, but whatever you do, keep practising it.

Oh millionyears I'm so sorry you think I'm being rude to you - I was not intending to be - I was just surprised by the veg post. I can't remember being rude to you before either, and I know we have PMed each other. Sorry again as you are clearly offended. I think sometimes things said in a post in black and white read differently from how they are meant - I suppose it was an inept attempt at being funny! I would never knowingly be rude to anyone on the MH thread.

Thank you Holmes and CBTtherapist for the recommendations. I will certainly buy one of these books.

Thanks for all the support it truly does help and I will be downloading one of the suggested books onto my kindle tonight.

Saw a locum gp he was keen for me to try a few weeks without AD. He suggested Kalms to start with and relaxation techniques.
He stressed to come back within a couple of weeks if things haven't improved.

All I can do is try. Fingers crossed

Thank you NanaNina.

Sigh mornings are the hardest for me.
I keep waking feeling low and tearful and unmotivated.
Dd still has one breastfeed in the morning and I have wondered if these feelings are hormonally linked to the tailing off the breastfeeding

On my third day of Kalms and they do seem to take the edge off things slightly, maybe because they make me quite sleepy.

It's always that nagging fear of always feeling this way

Hi in my mind, I think coming to the end of breastfeeding could definitely be having an impact, the hormones levels etc are reducing so it is quite common to feel low around this time.
I had PND after my first child, after my second no PND but when i finished breastfeeding I had similar feelings.
I had a very low few months. Quite panicky, not sleeping well, crying a lot.

My view on antidepressants is when the bad days are outnumbering the good ones it's maybe time.

Take care.

Personally I do not take any notice of my moods and thoughts until after I have had breakfast.
Dont know,whether for me it is blood sugar.
Actually,I find my thoughts are not worth taking notice of,just before I go to sleep either,so have learnt over the years to totally ignore those too.

After a quick google.
www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/2012/02/26/weaning-depression-link-breastfeeding-postpartum-depression_n_1301233.html

Thanks for the responses.

amillionyears that's good advice. I know I need to get up and crack on because that does help my mood, I am spending too long laying there analysing why I am feeling the way I am.

FannyFifer that makes for interesting reading. I will mention that to my gp when I go back.

I would like to stop the one feed and maybe get these hormones back on an even keel but dd is currently not having any of that!

inmymind - I think mornings can be worse for many people with dep/anx - they certainly are for me. Some people get worse in the evenings. Like everything with this damn illness, we are all different.

When you say "it's the nagging fear that I am always going to be like this" - it is classic anxiety. Anxiety is the medical name for fear, and it is mostly fear of the future that is uppermost in our thoughts. I've had intermittent anx/dep for 2.5 years and the bad does do go away but still I am always afraid that this time they won't go away. I never plan anything without saying "I may not be able to make it" and my friends understand. There are some things I have to arrange - like a trip to Ireland to see my son, dil and grandchildren because I have to book flights of course. Next week we have my step grdghtr coming and she is a lovely lovely girl but I'm constantly worrying whether I will be OK or not.

Sorry this is all about me...........I just wanted to let you know that the way you are feeling is the way hundreds (probably thousands) of people out there feeling the same. I'm no good at maths but I do know that 1 in 6 people are suffering from a mentall illness at any one time, and 1 in 4 will get this illness at some point in their lives.

I would fo with Fannyfifers advice about anti-depressants. They were life savers for me.

Take care and remember that this is a time limited illness and you will get better.