Sick of perfect people ramming it down my throat

[Scrounginscum]

I admit it I am a failure, scum the shit on your shoe but do you really have to remind me of it every chance you get? Do you not think I feel bad enough already?

Well let me tell you I do feel bad, feel guilty, I hate myself more than anyone in the World. I wake up every morning thinking shit I'm still alive.

Does it really make you such a great person, so big and wonderful to try and make me feel more shit? Seems to because you seem to enjoy it so much. Well I wish you would just STFU go and enjoy your perfection quietly, I'll kill myelf when I figure out how to do it properly.

I agree with Margo and Reality.

So do I Gin. I just can't see how much more advice and help she can be given on MN as it appears NEVER to sink in.

Scrounging, i could have written your first post - i often feel like this. Only i don't have a job, any job - i have had untold rejections and more no replies than i could even count and it does get me down. I do feel that people look down on me becaues i don't have a job. Im highly qualified and have been looking for a job for three years and nothing. But i am fucked if i am going to let people make me feel worse about it than i already do. Oh and i get the "oh just go and get a job, be yourself, you'll be fine" lecture. Yeah, righto! This advice usually comes from people who have had their particular job for ages or SAHMs who don't need a job at the moment. If they did they might realise that it is so so hard at the moment. I refused to believe it was the recession and that it was just because i was crap but im starting to see that is bollocks.

I also posted here, loads of self pitying posts that i am sure people will remember. I helped at first, but then got ino a cycle so i deregistered for quite some time, came back undre other names, went came went came - i don't allow myself to post those posts anymore, partly because i can't deal with the harsh truth sometimes and partly because i know that i am much better than i was. So the holy grail of a job hasn't come along YET but i am making progress and i feel that something is going to happen soon.

So i do understand about your bullying boss, but i think that rather than just posting on here you need to tackle this with the appropriate body - your union, HR manager, whoever it needs to be - you have a greivance and they have to listen and offer help. That is something practical you can do, you are using your energy to self destruct, stop it and use it for the positive.

Im not going to tell you that another job is around the corner becuase i don't know taht there will be, it really is sht, so you had better sort the one you have then you will be in a much better place in your head to get out there and stand out from the 100s of others trying to do the same. you are in a far stronger position than i am coming from employment. I volunteer now and am hoping that will make a difference but i still get patronising comments about it not beng the same.

Op's only been back at work a month, I think. When she was off on mat leave it was her dh calling her all the bastards of the day. Even if the best job in the world fell into her lap tomorrow, within weeks it would be 'they all hate me they're all out to get me' if she doesn't get some help for whatever the underlying cause of this persistently negative world view is.

And stay off benefit/money threads! Yes, shocker, twats exist on the Internet and some of them like to do a bit of pov bashing! Stay away from them if your frame of mind means you're going to take it personally to the point of threatening suicide.

I know what it is like to feel that way Margo, i was in a bad place when i was depressed (i still have the anxiety) and would have, and probably did post similar things to the OP. I had counselling and it helped, i had ADs and they helped - i stopped posting on here and it helped!!! Yes mnet is a supportive place but you have to filter out the twunts (like you say they are everywhere, esp on the internet), the ones who will just say, oh poor you, you are right everyone else is a cunt and you are right and listen to the ones who talk sense. I think that sometimes i used to post just to beat myself up, and to get others to do it for me! On the whole i got good advice and woudlnt have got the ADs or counselling. But i do recognise where the OP is at and I hope, scrounging, that you will take this from someone who has been where you are now and come out the other end, not necessarily perfect, actually far from it and still striving for my own "perfection" that you can and deserve to be happy, but fuck, you have to strive for it.

that;s a great post LEM, I'm glad you're doing better these days.

No I know I don't deserve happiness and I know all my failiings are my fault alone. That doesn't make it right for people to gloat and try and put me down further.

Re-read people's kind supportive useful advice, will you?

You cannot possibly gain any help from the Internet if you read bakack as white, hello as goodbye, and 'go and get some proper help for your mental health' as 'fuck off you useless bint'. You are simply twisting people's words to what you want to believe, which makes me wonder whether you are even really having trouble at work or just inventing it to fit your depressed world view.

Honestly, you can't keep doing this.

Hi, we've moved this out of AIBU and into Mental Health. Hope you find the advice and support you need

*black. I don't know what backack is.

Good move, Kat. This OP posts in AIBU in order to get a kicking, I think. Mental Health is far more appropriate.

I am having trouble at work, hating myself probably makes it more difficult to handle believe what you want.

I have hated myself for 27 years, I don't see how I can suddenly start liking myself especially when there is nothing likable about me.

Nobody hates you - but also no-one here can help you. You have been given the advice on what to do 100 times including by Margo above. Get thee to your GP and ask for some counselling.

Oh well, best give up then.

What do you want people to say?

Exactly what BoF said. What do you want us to say? Have you done ONE thing on the list of actions you have been advised to take. If you sorted stuff with your ex you might even be able to move to where there are more jobs. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and paranoid helps no-one. God forbid if you display that attitude at work, it is no wonder your boss is not looking upon you fondly.

this is a free cbt course

i don't know if it would help. it's probably better than sitting on your arse bemoaning your lot while doing absolutely nothing about it though.

I am on the waiting list for counselling.

At work I just try and keep my head down and get on with it.

I agree with BOF and porto.

some people only want tea and hairstrokes when what they need is tequila and a shake.

a few weeks ago, I was incredibly depressed and thought constantly about dying. I wasnt eating and lost a stone. I pulled clumps of my hair out and cried all the time.

I went to my GP, changed my meds dose, and got a counselling appointment for september. because Im a grown up, and I take responsibility for my own health and life. not just that, I have a child to think about and would hate him to see the world the way I do when in a spiral.

I have sympathy, but sympathy wont make you feel better.

do you know how long the waiting list is? what type of counselling is it?

You know what ScroungingScum - if you are the poster I am pretty sure that you are you need to go and get RL help. If your GP isn't helping you then go and see another.

If you keep up with this negative world view and negative opinion of yourself then you are going to carry on having problems no matter what you do, so the first thing is to sort yourself out. If you don't believe in yourself then employers won't see it either.

Mumsnet CAN'T fix real life problems. All posting on here does is give an outlet where you can share how awful things are and even get support, but it won't fix a thing.

I am not criticising you, I am speaking from very recent experience.

Go and get help. If you are genuinely suicidal then go to see a GP pronto and tell them so they can get you intervention from the crisis team. If you are feeling suicidal today, go to A&E and they will take you seriously. If you are for real - and I have little doubt that you are - you need that level of intervention before you take it that step further.

You have children, they need you alive and well. Go. And. Get. Help.

"i am on the list for counselling" this is good - i am now on a list for CBT as my life, whilst not easy just now, isn't a crock of shit, i just need to change the way i deal with problems - i think you would really benefit from this as CBT is, as far as im aware, about changing how you think and react, rather than rake up stuff from your past (i don't really have any demons, my life is stressful now, so i need strategies to learn how to deal with it now) So this is better for me than traditional counselling.

"when im at work i just put my head down and get on with it" yep, well sometimes thats just all we can do. I often feel i like im just getting from one day/week to the next. I then do what you do and look at other people and envy their perfect lives.

Thing is, you don't have to srape very far past peoples facades to know that pretty much everyone has their cross to bear - One particular woman who i really envied has recently shown her true colours to those around and is probably more screwed up than I am, i suddenly went from envy to pity and it just goes to show, you never can tell. Not everyone is perfect, i don't know anyone who is. I know a few people who do a bloody sterling effort at appearin to the outside world that the live in utopia, posting how wonderful their day is on facebook, perfect family pictures etc etc. I used to envy and feel bad about this too - now i just remind myself that i could do that too. I had a good day today, you know, it was ok, but i could, if i wanted to post on facebook that i had the most wonderful family time, followed by a lovely meal. When really, what happened is I had to shlep along to watch DD in a dance show, which was good, but you know, only ok, then go roller skating wiht dd and end up with a bruised behind, then we went to a toby carvery type place because we didnt have time to do a full shop and it would work out cheaper just to go and grab a carvery than to try and throw together a roast at this late stage in the day. See, its all about perception.

I hope that makes sense "scrounging mum" Which i am sure you are not, you are working for one thing! Have a good week at work, dont let your manager get to you, if she is bullying you like you say, and you are not just taking things too personally because you are so low, do something about it. Speak to your GP, are you on ADs? maybe you should consider it, there is no shame to use them to get you out of a hole. I did. I am struggling again but i dont want them this time but they did good for me when i had them before.

Take care x

Definitely listen to what babyheaves says, and lucyellensmum speaks much sense too. No-one lives a perfect life. I have a "comfortable" life in that I can afford to pay the bills, but that does not protect you from health and mental health issues. You need to state on here what you are having problems with. And maybe we can give advice.

What does your boss say/do for example? What do you do in return?

I think what is really important to take from the posts of people who have been there done that is that things didn't get better because someone waved a magic wand for them. They reached out and got help. Real life help.