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Original poster

What makes a good mum?

26 replies

cheekypickle · 06/07/2012 15:15

I'm constantly being told I'm a good mum and not to worry but I just don't believe it.

I only look after my little one in the mornings, evenings and at weekends. She goes to the childminder from 9-5pm.

She goes to the childminder because I was in hospital being treated for bi polar.

I feel like I can't 'cope' with little one for any more than a day, I strat getting anxious and I will become depressed again.

I've been advised to go back to work full time.
I feel like a terrible mum

OP posts:
SoleSource · 06/07/2012 15:18

See your GP or pay for private therapy for reassurances. You d not feel OK within yourself. This is the 3rd or 4th thread. No matter how you feel inside, doesn't mean your fears are true.

hairytale · 06/07/2012 15:18

Oh bless you :(

Are you getting any condition management support? Are you receiving any treatment for the anxiety? What ongoing support do you have?

My ex had bipolar so I understand how difficult it is and I suffer fairly mild anxiety.

Original poster
cheekypickle · 06/07/2012 15:20

I saw an assistant physcologist this morning but it didn't really help.

I even went to acupuncture session to see if that would help.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/07/2012 15:22

Oh darling, we could all sit here and tell you till we're blue in the face that you are a good mum but you arent going to believe us anyway. I have seen quite a few threads from you lately regarding this:(

Dont feel guilty for putting your DD into daycare or whatever, you do what you gotta do!!

You do need some help though so go back to your GP and make sure you are referred for some counselling.

SoleSource · 06/07/2012 15:22

A very experienced therapist, 30 years experience is whom I see. I don't have depression or bi-polar etc Just childhood Father hated me issues.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/07/2012 15:25

Sole thats so :(

rainydaysarebad · 06/07/2012 15:29

Cheekypickle - are you okay? This is the third thread I have read about you feeling guilty for sending your DD to nursery full time. Have you spoken to someone about this in real life?

Please don't feel guilty for being ill and for working. My dd was in nursery from 5 months full time - 8am to 6pm 5 days a week. She benefited greatly from nursery and is a boisterous little social butterfly at the grand age of 4! I worry for my son, as I'm not working now, and I want him to have the same experience as DD.

Loads of mothers send their children to full time nursery. They wouldn't do it if they weren't happy with the place they were leaving their children. If your DD seems settled and happy at nursery, then you should be happy too.

I really think you need to talk to someone in RL about this though. If it's making you feel sad could you talk to a doctor or a counsellor?

Original poster
cheekypickle · 06/07/2012 15:34

I've spoken to doctor and councillor and they all think I do. a great job with DD.

I don't see her much though do I?

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/07/2012 15:36

Cheeky - I went back to work full time when DS was 20 weeks old....it made me a better mum not being with him all the time....as a result he is a sociable confident 9 year old now.

Quality time is what matters, not how much time you spend with her.

Original poster
cheekypickle · 06/07/2012 15:42

I spent a few hours between 1am and 4am this morning when she was wide awake!

Sorry guys I know I post a lot. I think it's being ill that my confidence has gone, I question everything

OP posts:
sugarice · 06/07/2012 15:43

Cheeky I had to go back to work when ds1 was 4 months old and he went to a childminder then nursery 5 days a week. Out of my three he is the most outgoing, sociable and charming boy now aged 17.

Original poster
cheekypickle · 06/07/2012 15:44

Thanks everyone. Its good to know that I'm not the only one sending DC to te childminder so much

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekypickle · 06/07/2012 15:45

'the'

OP posts:
minipie · 06/07/2012 15:48

cheeky just to add, my mum worked full time when I was little and I think she was a great mum. It's not about spending all day every day with them.

What is it that you feel anxious about when you are with her? Do you think something bad is going to happen, or do you think you are not doing a good job?

Original poster
cheekypickle · 06/07/2012 15:50

I think I'm not doing a good job. I watch the clock and count down to web DH comes home so I feel I don't have sole pressure/responsibility

OP posts:
SoleSource · 06/07/2012 15:50

That is right cheeky you're not the only one and NEVER will be. You seem lovely :)

1am - 4am phew! You're doing fab. You know it deep down.

Original poster
cheekypickle · 06/07/2012 15:52

Thank you sole source :)

OP posts:
minipie · 06/07/2012 15:53

At young ages all they need is to be fed warm and clean, and know someone is there for them. I am sure you are doing a great job but as others have said, it seems like there is an underlying confidence issue here which our reassurances won't fix. Do you think it would help for you to talk to someone in RL regularly about this?

Ephiny · 06/07/2012 15:57

I've seen a couple of other threads from you as well, you seem very worried about this. Lots of parents use childminders or nurseries, it's absolutely normal, and does not have anything at all to do with whether someone is a good parent or not.

It's understandable you're feeling fragile and anxious when you've been so ill, but if your doctor and counsellor think you're doing a good job then you probably are!

Ephiny · 06/07/2012 16:01

I also wanted to ask - do you think your DH is a bad father because DD goes to the childminder? No? So logically you aren't a bad mum either, are you?

(I bet lots of mums of small children are watching the clock until their partner comes home to help share the load and the responsibility! That's normal!)

Seriously, be kind to yourself. It's not easy for anyone, and you've been ill on top of all the usual stresses and pressures of being a parent. It sounds like you're doing fine, and IIRC from previous threads your DD is happy and doing well with the childminder. It's no bad thing to get her used to the routine in advance of you going back to work, it'll make the transition stress-free for her.

SoleSource · 06/07/2012 16:02

cheeky

Is somebody making you feel bad about this?

Original poster
cheekypickle · 06/07/2012 16:09

No no ones making me feel bad about this.
I have really high expectations and wish that I could be a SAHM but it really isn't for me. I always thought a good mum was one that was staying at home (not that I thought working Mums are bad)

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 06/07/2012 16:47

Cheeky please see your care/support team, seriously.

You have posted so many threads on this recently, I really think you need some proper support not just words on a screen.

rainydaysarebad · 06/07/2012 16:54

cheekypickle - I think one of the most stressful things about being a mother is always worrying that you are doing right by your children. When I was working, I felt that guilt too. When I left my job, DD was about 3 and I felt guilt that I had taken her away from her nursery friends. So there will always be some kind of guilt there IYSWIM? As long as your DD is happy and you are happy, that is all that matters isn't it?

Personally, I think working mums set a good example for their children about a good work ethic and not having to rely on anyone for things.

MNHQ
OliviaLMumsnet · 06/07/2012 19:46

Hello Op we have moved your thread
All best to you
MNHQ