Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Carrying on

34 replies

dottyspotty2 · 27/06/2012 20:03

Ever though is it worth it, last 9 months have been hell on earth not all the time but a lot of the time. Really don't know how much longer I can carry on kids are grown so don't need me anymore. Feel so broken at the moment.

OP posts:

Bettyboo2820 · 27/06/2012 22:50

Dotty, please dont give up!!! Your children will always need you, just in a different way. I'm 42 and i still need my mum! Why have the last 9 months been so bad? Mine has too (in short) husband had a heart attack (44yo) and on the day he went back to work my dad died. Have you tried counselling? x

GRW · 27/06/2012 22:57

You have shown a lot of courage, and need to trust that it is worth it, and eventually it won't be so hard. I'm sorry you feel so broken and hope you have someone who can be there for you.

Original poster

dottyspotty2 · 27/06/2012 23:19

Betty I disclosed childhood sexual abuse 9 months ago yesterday waiting for PCMH now in August just really getting to me how he can live his fucking life like nothing has happened whilst I have so many ups and downs that I think of ways of finishing it. Had some counselling finished early April.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 28/06/2012 17:27

How are you today dottyspotty2,though that is probably a stupid question from me.
Thinking of you today.
I havent experienced any of this so just here to hold your hand.
I understand about the kids leaving home,I am sort of there too.Not much fun sometimes.Do you have anyone living with you?
And i agree with Bettyboo2820,that the children always need you,even though they may not be in contact often.

Original poster

dottyspotty2 · 28/06/2012 17:45

I've phoned counselling service this isn't normal to think like that got answerphone but will try again. My youngest is nearly 17 middle one nearly 18 he has autism both youngest live at home but DD2 is mostly at BF's now.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 28/06/2012 18:04

Sounds like you are doing the right thing dottyspotty2

Bettyboo2820 · 28/06/2012 21:40

You did a very brave thing by reporting abuse, if he is carrying on without a care then you definately did a VERY brave thing!! You are obviously a very strong person!! And you can be again. Dont let "him" get the better of you - and use the anger towards him as a platform to get yourself sorted, for example when someone has hurt me when i'm in my angry stage i use it to do something productive (usually non-social!).
Promise me you will ring the counsellor every day (even twice a day) until you get hold of them. Have you spoken to your kids about how you feel? We're all here holding your hand. Xx

Original poster

dottyspotty2 · 30/06/2012 14:07

Phoned yesterday going for an initial session on Monday then see how I go don't know what my feeling about her are yet can't guage much on the phone. Last counselling was with Crisis centre was organised by the police and was fab didn't expect to go downhill again at least not before trial started.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 30/06/2012 14:47

the person who did the abuse to you may look calm on the surface,but may not be underneath.Some people can look remarkably calm,when they are not really.
Didnt know you were going to court.How soon is the trial date.Do the police refer you to someone you can talk to?I dont know about this sort of thing.

Original poster

dottyspotty2 · 30/06/2012 15:21

He's allowed to go abroad on holiday that's what I mean by carrying on as normal, he's not allowed near me has to remove himself from situation or face arrest again. I've lost a lot by doing this. End of August he appears for PCMH --puts a plea in if he pleads guilty will be sentenced at later date it not trial late in the year/early next year.

OP posts:

Original poster

dottyspotty2 · 30/06/2012 15:23

Police referred me to rape crisis was offered from beginning told her I wouldn't need it but crumbled and contacted her was contacted immediately by them.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 30/06/2012 15:53

i dont think that should have been alowed,that he goes on holiday.That is unnecessarily cruel to you.
And waiting for the trial stuff must be awful.
I think you are reacting how most other people would react.
I would take all the help that is offered to you.I know you may think that is weak to do that,,but actually it is a strong thing to do.
Whenever I have hit a crisis,which thankfully has not been very often,I say yes to all the help that is offered.And people actually like to help.Look at MN!
The amount of people helping on threads on MN is quite remarkable.
And if you friends or relatives that can at least hold your hand through this,I would let them.

Original poster

dottyspotty2 · 30/06/2012 16:00

Normal practice when I phoned to check it felt like I'd been stabbed, only family I have is my sisters now but they live 3 hours away my mum and other brother have disowned me do have DH and the kids only have 1 RL friend.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 30/06/2012 16:55

3 hours away is a long way.Do you like skyping.Some people seem to,some dont.Personally I love it.I now have to skype 5 people regularly.
I presume you mum and brother have disowned you because of reporting the abuse.
I am now going to suggest an odd thing,and feel very free to ignore it if it is not helpful to you.I am wondering if you would find it helpful to volunteer for something.Whatever takes your fancy.An animal centre,a gardening volunteer scheme,an old people centre,whatever.You mentioned the kids not needing you so mu now,and you sound like you like to help people.

Original poster

dottyspotty2 · 30/06/2012 23:42

Don't skype one sister isn't on the internet we phone regularly and this has brought us closer together were supporting each other through itseen them more in last year thasn I have in a long time. They both feel guilty for leaving me there but weren't to know as wasn't much between my so called brother and them so neither thought he'd touch me but none of us knew about each other until I told one of them at 17.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 02/07/2012 09:25

Im glad you are your sister are closer.
And Im sorry it happened to your sisters too,assuming I am reading your posts correctly.And that your dad did the abuse.
Do you think that your brother feels guilty in some way.Guilty for not realising what was going on,guilty for not stopping it,guilty for not protecting you,guilty for it didnt happen to him?Im not at all saying he is guilty of anything.But,from what little I have heard about these sorts of things,it can produce all sorts of emotions in the poeple close to the situation,many of which can be wrong.So your brother for instance,may be reacting to you in the way that he is,because of his own troubled thoughts.
Apologies if I have not read the details of your posts correctly.
And tell me at any time to stop posting if I am offending or annoying you.

Original poster

dottyspotty2 · 02/07/2012 09:57

Yes my sisters are 8 and 9 years older happened twice to one as she said she was quite a strong willed child and went on until other one was an adult, brother doesn't feel guilty at all he wrote me a 'lovely' letter telling me in not so many words that I was dead to him that I shouldn't of sent the police to his door not my choice didn't want him involved and that my problems are my own not his he has 2 daughters who have been allowed contact with 'IT' or so called brother who abused me he's 12 and a half years older than me. He actually left an abusive message on the DC's answer phone threatening her with a solicitor for daring to come speak to him he's an absolute arse. My sister had already pulled him aside and told him to protect his girls as he was dangerous I warned SIL when they got married and he went calling me all the liars under the sun to my cousin and his wife she ripped him apart over it.

My dad died 6 years ago he was a bully but didn't abuse us in that way put it this way if he was alive I don't know if I could of done this and if I had he would of done something really horrible. He basically told me when I told them about it at 16 only told him when it stopped at age 12 not that it had gone on for 8 years that I knew right from wrong well even if I did he was 24/25 but he could do no wrong ever in their eyes. I was slapped across the face for lying to them about it as well.

Your not offending me at all its good to 'talk'

OP posts:

amillionyears · 02/07/2012 12:47

i nearly had tears in my eyes when I read this.
It is so sad when you are not protected in your own family and especially by parents.
And when you speak out and try to protect others,that you are not listened to.
There are long running threads on MN.Have you seen them? Not sure if they quite fit you situation.If you are not sure what I am talking about,I will have a look at the ones I can remember and see if they are at all suitable.
i am happy to listen.

Original poster

dottyspotty2 · 02/07/2012 16:01

I had a thread running a few months back about my decision to go to police stopped posting in march.

Been to new counseller she seems really nice and I feel really at ease with her she wants me to go every week as well last time could be weeks in between sessions because of how many clients they had, she seems to know her stuff as well.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 02/07/2012 18:35

I havent forgotten you.I am about 1/3 way through reading the appropriate thread.
So glad you have a new and nice helpful counsellor.And that you can speak to her weekly.Pleased for you.

amillionyears · 02/07/2012 20:35

Am now 2/3 way through.Id imagine you are emotionally rung out tonight.
You have been exceptionally brave.And like others said on your last thread,you are helping to protect others.
I am confused about you and your mothers realtionship.Was it your choice to break contact with her?And are you still not allowed to talk to her about what happened because of the upcoming trial?

Original poster

dottyspotty2 · 02/07/2012 20:56

No it wasn't my choice to break contact with my mother as soon s I told her to stop talking about him she became cold this was 3 days after going through the hell of giving an interview on camera.

Never seen her since have spoken to her twice last time was 1st of december when I'd collected her glasses that she left in town my brother came through with his youngest to get them if she hadn't been there I would of talked to him but wouldn't do it in front of a 11 year old he couldn't of had a go at me as DH was here and would of lost it with him.

TBH I had found it harder and harder to tolerate her over the previous year had confronted her over my dad and her attitude stunk. Not to talk to her in case she's called if it goes to trial just hoping it pleads guilty.

Still miss her though as she was company when she came through and I did things for her decorating, gardening taking her shopping etc made me feel useful IYSWIM.

OP posts:

Original poster

dottyspotty2 · 02/07/2012 20:58

When dad first died I thought we would have a good relationship and we did at first but he was on the scene coming and going as if nothing had happened she brushed it under the carpet like it hadn't happened so it didn't effect me.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 03/07/2012 09:13

Have now read all of the other thread.
How are you today after seeing the new counsellor?
Do you still have the same DC?

Original poster

dottyspotty2 · 03/07/2012 11:00

Not bad didn't wake until 10 but was up at stupid o'clock yesterday. Yes still have both DC's ones moved away from PPU to CID (local one) but she's taken all her cases with her if it goes to court she has to attend anyway as a witness to me doing the statement. Still see her when DC down south needs anything.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2