I'm admitting it. Now what?

[CharlieUniformNovemberTango]

I've come to the point where I can admit things aren't right.

I'm barely sleeping.
I'm having panic attacks.
I'm finding it hard to do anything sometimes.
I'm feeling desperate and so very very sad at things that are going on but I feel like everything is out of my control.

The last few months have been a nightmare. I'm being made homeless with my kids. I've been cut out by my dad. I'm failing at being a parent and at being 'me' but I don't even know who that is really.

I know that given what's been going on is stress is bound to be expected but what do I do about this?

I know I need to see the gp. But I'm scared to take medication. I'm a single parent to 2 and I don't want to be spaced out or anything. But this can't go on.

If I see the doctor, what will they do? I think I need more then just pills. I think I need to solve this not just patch it up.

When you first start the medication does it effect your ability to function? If I tell the doctor how much
I'm struggling will they inform other people like HV or social services? I don't think my kids are in danger. But it's probably not much fun for them right now.

I just want to sleep right now. Just lay down and be left alone.

I know it's not right. I know I need to change it.

Admitting it is a huge step - well done. Your gp can answer most of your questions. Tell them you don't want just pills - they can refer you for counselling or maybe CBT. Keep posting here if you want to. Do you have support in rl? Have you told anyone?

Echoing Banana here. Also, a piece of advice which is important: write down your problems as you see them, or print out your OP before going to see your GP. That way at least if you can't vocalise them your doctor can read about how you're struggling.

With regard to being made homeless, get legal advice. Start with CAB, they should be able to help.

Have a look at the Sertraline support thread for advice about different ADs and how long they take to work.

You can beat this. It won't happen overnight, and it won't feel like it at times, but just believe in yourself. Good luck. :)

I don't know if I can go to the doctors. I have my DS. I can't be a mess in front of him.

Can I get a doctor to come to me in the evening when they are in bed?

If I go after school dd can watch him in the waiting room but I know I will be a mess and she will see that when I come out. And I think that would worry her.

I'm going to ask my SIL but I can't say why. And she won't babysit without a good reason. And it will be a case o her offering to sit outside with him or back home and then she will see I'm a mess and ask what's wrong.

I don't want people to know.

I'm scared about what will happen with the doctor. Will he tell other people? I'm not hurting the kids. I never would. But I don't thi k I'm being a very good mum right now.

Charlie, I'm so sorry you're struggling

Why don't you want people to know?

You've taken a very brave first step posting here about what's going on.

Do you find it difficult to ask for help? Do you have anyone whom you can really trust?

Pills - I take ADs and I'm not spaced out. They've been a lifesaver. Literally.

GP - afaik your Dr will only contact other people with your permission.

I just think I can.

My brother has big MH issues. I don't think everyone will want to deal with this again.

And I think they will see it as nothin compared to his problems.

I'm just the one who is fine. That's how it is. I never make a fuss. I let them use me for what they need and never even question them if they won't return the favour.

I don't want people looking at me thinking I can't do it. So much has been going on and most people have said how strong I've been but it's fake. It's all fake and that worked for a while but I can't do it now.

And I don't even think the worst is here yet. If I'm struggling now it'll get worse come us being kicked out ce September. That's why I need to sort it now. Or at least start to get in track.

I think you need to stop faking, as that will stop some of the stress. Go and see your GP. They see people in your situation every day.

Stop doing favours for people who give nothing in return. They are leeches.

First of all, get some legal advice. Then see the doc.

That way you'll be able to tell yourself you're on the way to 'sorting it'.

Look Charlie you are describing the symptoms of a depressive illness and yes it is an illnes like any other, except that it's mental not physical. I can also tell by your posts that your anxiety is on the ceiling and prevent you from thinking clearly, which is another symptom. Depression and anxiety are linked and usually both come together.

You most definitely need to see a GP ASAP because it will only get worse. I am sure as you say that the stress that you are under is maybe the origin of the depression, and that is known as "reactive depression" - sorry I am no medic but someone who suffers intermitten depression and know the torment of this illness at first hand.

Did you know that 1 in 4 people will suffer some sort of mental illness in their life and one third of all GP appts are for mental health issues.

I know exactly how you feel about not wanting anyone to know and I am the same, because mental illness makes us feel ashamed and that we should be able to "pull ourselves together" - it is a deceitful illness and makes us think things about ourselves that aren't true. We don't feel like this in physical illness.

You are worried about medication but they can work amazingly well and many MNs on the MH thread will tell you the same. I see someone has suggested you look at the sertraline (an AD) support thread. I don't agree with this because you wil get more confused. The thing is ADs work differently on different people and sometimes you may have to try more than one to get the relief you need, and unfortunately they don't act straight away - it generally takes about 2/3 weeks for the drug to kick in. These are very safe drugs and have bought relief from the torment of depression for thousands of people.

NO a GP won't come out to see you in the evening.

SO here's what you need to do and need to think about:

1. Tell your SIL that you have been feeling very stressed lately after all that has happened, and you need to go to the GP to see if there is any help available. You can't hide this from everyone, no more than you could hide a plaster cast on a broken leg. Ask her if she can watch the children and when is the best time for her. Tell her you are feeling you just can't cope with things any more and need some help, and that is why you are going to the GP. Ask if there is any day or time that she can't do.

1. Make an an appt with the GP.

1. As someone has already said, write down in a list how you are feeling and don't leave anything out - you must be honest, or the GP won't know whether your depression is mild, moderate or severe. Most of them have their own score chart and ask you things like "Are you sad - all the time, some of the time, never" and it covers the basic symptoms of depression and then they score each one and add it up,to guide them on how serious you depression is. They may not all use them.

1. You must stop worrying about pills. They act differently on different people and yes you might have some side effects, but then again there are side effects with any drug, even aspirin. THe thing is Charlie your kids must have noticed during the last 6 months while you have been suffering the change in you, so getting help can only be for the better

1. STOP worrying about the Dr telling someone - it is confidential. The only time a GP will "tell" someone is if they think you need a referral to say a psychiatrist, (this is very unusual) because GPs can prescribe ADs. You must remember though that it is "trial and error" with ADs but you will find the right one for you (could wellbe the first you try) and stick with it, even if you have side effects. I am a retired social worker (30 years in childrens services) and I can absolutely assure you that you will not be referred to social services or health visitors. Your children will NOT be taken from you because you are depressed. There are thousands of young mums out there struggling just as you are. The only referral he might want to make is to the Community Mental Health Team, so that a Community Psychiatric Nurse can visit you from time to time, but you have to be severely depressed for this to happen, as resources are thin on the ground.

1. I assume by your talking of someone seeing you "in a mess" you mean you will probably be crying, as this also is a symptom of depression. I cried through the whole of my first appt with my GP, and you may well do. I accept that it might worry your children, but they must have been worried for the past 6 months seeing you unlike yourself. Not sure what age they are, but you can tell them that you are "poorly" at the moment and sometimes feel sad and cry, but you are having pills from the Dr to make you better, then a big hug to both of them. This is why if allyour SIL will do is watch them inthe waiting room (can't she just stay at home with them) you need to tell her how you are struggling so that if you are in tears coming out of the GPs room she has been forewarned.

1. I don't know what your housing situation is. However as someone has suggested CAB are good with that but also SHELTER is the national organisation for homelessness. You can google them and get advice/support.

I know I'm being bossy Charlie but when we are so low with depression we often can't think for ourselves.

SO get in contact with your SIL ASAP and then make a GP appointment and them make a list of everything you are feeling. Suicidal thoughts are very common in depression, so if you are having those, say so. Don't leave anything out thinking it "sounds silly" - depression tends to produce very similar symptoms in most people.

PLEASE make those phone calls and come back and tell us when you have done so. I will be checking ......I do feel for you Charlie and I am being bossy because I know how awful depression makes you feel and I want you to start on the road to recovery asap. Oh just remembered you mentioned you need to "solve this, not just patch it up" oh if only life were like that, but sorry to say Charlie it isn't. Recovery from a depressive illness is a slow process but 80% of people recover fully in 4 - 5 months.

Your GP could refer you for counselling - they usually offer you 6 sessions of CBT. You could google that to see if you think it could help. Sometimes people need time for the meds to kick in and lift their mood before they can make good use of counselling

NNx

I know NN I know :(

I did ring the doctors but couldn't get an appointment. Have to try in the morning from 8 am. I could only make one for late next week otherwise.

I'm going to write down the symptoms. Even just thinking about telling the gp seems bad so that's a great idea.

I really appreciate the reassurance about SS. It's a particular fear of mine. My ex maliciously reported me once and it was horrible to get that phone call. But the social worker called DDs school and gp and didn't even need to see me. She was more then happy with just chatting on the phone. But it's still scared me. I worry now that I've had my name mentioned in the past it will be on the system. I know it's irrational. But thank you for putting my mind at rest.

I will explain it to SIL I think. I just don't want everyone to know I'm making such a mess here.

Thank you everyone.

Thanks leverette.

I've made an appointment for 10.30. I'm trying to arrange a sitter for DS. If not, he's going to have to come with me. I've written it all down and hopefully if I feel I'm getting upset I can hand over the list.

I can pack snacks and DS can play games on my phone which he loves but I never let him usually as he delets stuff.

Thanks again guys. It's been good to hear the good stories.

That's brilliant Charlie. Hope it goes well for you this morning. You will get better, it will just take time.

charlie thinking of you and agree with what other posters have said .

I recognise myself in your descriptions ,when I'm really low I can never get myself to the doctors because I'm paralaysed by lack of self worth and knowledge that so many more people are much iller and have way more stressful lives .

Only thing I would add is that you may wish to ask GP ( sorry my post is too late for todays appt ) for something to help you through first few days of your body adjusting to AD's ,maybe something to help you sleep .

Come back and tell us how it went ?

I forgot my list. I was really flustered as I had DS. I mumbled something about not feeling great at the moment This is the doctor I've seen the most about my gallstones so she jumped in about finally giving me stronger painkillers that I've been refusing.

And I just agreed with her. I couldn't even say the words. I was so close to crying but scared about DS being there.

I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid and feeling worse about it now. I know it's got to be done. I know that.

SIL is having DS all day Monday. I will do it then I will I promise. I'd worked myself up so much. I was going to walk in and say it but I just bottled it. It's just ridiculous.

I do appreciate the support.

Don't say sorry! You're not stupid.

Try again tomorrow and in the meantime, be kind to your self

Oops, not tomorrow, I meant Monday

Hang in there Charlie x

Don't apologise our kid. There really is no need. I'm going to make a suggestion: Google your local Mental Health Unit and get in touch with them in the short term.

Another suggestion: put your list in an envelope, put your GPs name on it and 'strictly confidential', take it to her practice and hand it to the receptionist.

There is a reason I always recommend writing things down you know. :)

Another thing: You are not stupid, merely under extreme strain.

Finally, there is still too much stigma attached to MH problems. An infection is treated with antibiotics; think of ADs as antibiotics for your brain. Does that make sense?

Oh don't worry Charlie you can have another go! Not sure about googling Mental Health Unit and getting in touch with them - though I think you can refer yourself to the, but I woud have thought it better to start with the GP. Can you see a different one next time.

Gie yourself plenty of time on Monday and put the list in your bag the night before OR you could do as Nicholas suggests, just seems that would mean 2 trips to the surgery rather than one.

Like the antibiotics for the brain.

Come back and tell us how you get on on Monday...........we're all here supporting you

The GP jumping in with what she thought was wrong was not a great start, she should have questioned you as to what you meant.
Good luck for monday.

:)

Thanks everyone.

I've calmed down about it now. Nothing can be changed by me worrying so I just need to focus on getting through till Monday and making sure I take my balls with me!

I know it wasnt ideal with the doctor. I'm going to ask to see someone else. Todays doctor is nice and I can see why she thought that as I've really only been recently about gallstones and the last few times she's tried to reassure me about talking stronger painkillers above the over the counter ones I've stuck to so far. But I don't know if I could explain this other stuff to her. I'm worried she will just think its because of the gallstones but I'm certain it's more then that.

Charlie you are spending too much time worrying and second guessing what the GP is going to think. GPs choose to do this job and yes there are many years of training involved but they earn a great deal of money and we pay them through our taxes, so please stop worrying about them. They are ordinary mortals like you and I.

I am old enough to be your grandmother I'm sure and when I was a kid GPs actually came out to see you, and I can remember my mother almost bowing to the GP when he came, and so yes I picked up that GPs were very important people and we had to be grateful for their words of wisdom.

However I don't think like that any more, and I am lucky that I have a lovely GP who listens intently and never makes me feel I am taking up too much time (mind she is like that with everyone so you have to wait 20 or 30 mins to see her) but it's worth it.

People always say "hang on in there" and there isn't really an option is there, but be kind to yourself and hold on to the fact that this will pass - there will be brighter times ahead. Maybe when you are less depressed you will be in a better place to sort out your housing problem.

Thanks Nana.

The housing stuff is totally out of my hands now. I have a clear action plan on that. Wait for my notice to Finish. Wait for the eviction order to be granted by the court. Get put into b&b by the council. Eventually get a house fr the council. No where in that plan will I have any control. Strangely, I'm at peace with that now after a lot of stress. We came to the point of the court order but the first notice to quit issued was wrong and not upheld. It was a bit of an anti climax after huge worry but has bought me soon time to finish packing up and save some more money.

But I know this is just one thing thats tipped me over. It's just that I need to get throug this all and it seems impossible. Im not expecting to be bouncing around happy but maybe medication can help me level things out a bit. At the moment it seems impossible to have a. Good/happy/positive thought at all.

I know I need to make this step. I feel better for accepting that almost.

Hi Charlie - wasn't going to ask you anything about the housing issue till you were feeling a fair bit better, but as you've raised it, do you mind my asking why you are being evicted, and is this from a Housing Assoc or a private rent property. Reason I am asking is because as you may probably know, the council have to decide whether you are intentionally or unintentionally homeless. If it is the latter and you are in priority need (because of dependent children) then they have a duty to re- house you, but I would have thought that they could do better from you than a B & B, and provide you with temporary accommodation that is more suitable for young children. However I know that housing is in short supply all over the country, but worse in some places than others.

I'm glad you have realised you have an illness and need help. I know how bleak it can be when you are feeling so awful, and you don't believe that you will ever get better but you will............but you need to be patient with yourself because there is no quick fix; it is a journey really and can have ups and downs along the way.

Hope your appt goes well on Monday.

I have chronic mental health problems and two children. Don't worry about social services taking the kids, they won't do this for depression and anxiety - they are such common problems.

See your GP. He can write a letter to the council saying how the situation is damaging your health. A friend of mine was suffering severe depression due to overcrowding. She got a much higher bandidng that she would normally from the council due to the mental health team getting involved and writing to the council. She still has her kids too.

Good luck.

When you have your next appointment, why not print off your OP from this thread and give it to the doctor? It explains how you feel very succinctly and they can then ask you any questions and you can talk around that.

I really feel for you as have gone through similar. Hope it goes well.