I seriously don't know how to drag myself out of this awful pit I've found myself in, I know I have to for my kids sake. I've been to the doctors, he's given me anti-d's which I have not picked up the prescription for and referred me for counselling - I don't know if I can even leave the house to attend the session when I get the appointment.
I've got severe financial difficulties, due to a couple of changes of circumstances I'm living on roughly £230 less per week than I was at the beginning of the year.
I seriously hate the place I live, I hate it so much and the thought of living here for the rest of my life is just so awful, I have no escape route, I can't leave, I can't move anywhere else.
I've not left the house in weeks, rarely get washed or dressed, I'm short tempered, tearful, not sleeping. I have issues reaching far back into my childhood as well as present day family issues, I have phobias that are affecting my life. I've told some shocking lies lately, I don't even know why? to get attention maybe?
My house is a complete mess, it feels like too big a mountain to climb to do it by myself, even if it was clean (which it isnt) it's a hovel, I don't have nice things, it's on an awful state of decorative repair, the gardens a tip but I cant even think of going outside to start on it even if I had the motivation or strength.
I've got an awful gambling addiction, which I've borrowed money to fund that I can't pay back. yet feel compelled to keep gambling as a big win is the only way I can see of getting out of my present housing and financial situation.
I've got awful, crippling guilt over how I'm affecting my children but particularly the youngest as the others are adults and do understand to a cerain point.The guilt is keeping me awake and night my anxiety levels are sky high. I keep promising myself that I'll change for their sake then I don't and add failure ont the guilt.
I can't remember the last time I cooked a meal, did any laundry or any housework full stop.
My heart's so heavy, I haven't got anyone to talk to - I have one friend in the world and although she's been good to me and loves me, she's an alcoholic, a scruff and an awful mother - I'm trying to move away from her as I feel she has a negative effect on me.
I've spent the whole of today sitting on the sofa in my dressing gown, thinking to myself how nice it would be not to have to live anymore.