Life's a complete mess, feel like I'm in crisis

[ghaghagha]

I seriously don't know how to drag myself out of this awful pit I've found myself in, I know I have to for my kids sake. I've been to the doctors, he's given me anti-d's which I have not picked up the prescription for and referred me for counselling - I don't know if I can even leave the house to attend the session when I get the appointment.

I've got severe financial difficulties, due to a couple of changes of circumstances I'm living on roughly £230 less per week than I was at the beginning of the year.

I seriously hate the place I live, I hate it so much and the thought of living here for the rest of my life is just so awful, I have no escape route, I can't leave, I can't move anywhere else.

I've not left the house in weeks, rarely get washed or dressed, I'm short tempered, tearful, not sleeping. I have issues reaching far back into my childhood as well as present day family issues, I have phobias that are affecting my life. I've told some shocking lies lately, I don't even know why? to get attention maybe?

My house is a complete mess, it feels like too big a mountain to climb to do it by myself, even if it was clean (which it isnt) it's a hovel, I don't have nice things, it's on an awful state of decorative repair, the gardens a tip but I cant even think of going outside to start on it even if I had the motivation or strength.

I've got an awful gambling addiction, which I've borrowed money to fund that I can't pay back. yet feel compelled to keep gambling as a big win is the only way I can see of getting out of my present housing and financial situation.

I've got awful, crippling guilt over how I'm affecting my children but particularly the youngest as the others are adults and do understand to a cerain point.The guilt is keeping me awake and night my anxiety levels are sky high. I keep promising myself that I'll change for their sake then I don't and add failure ont the guilt.

I can't remember the last time I cooked a meal, did any laundry or any housework full stop.

My heart's so heavy, I haven't got anyone to talk to - I have one friend in the world and although she's been good to me and loves me, she's an alcoholic, a scruff and an awful mother - I'm trying to move away from her as I feel she has a negative effect on me.

I've spent the whole of today sitting on the sofa in my dressing gown, thinking to myself how nice it would be not to have to live anymore.

You do have people to talk to, we're all here. 1st things first. All the things you said have gone wrong have not happened overnight, and it will take a little time to sort things, but YOU CAN do it. Is there any reason you don't want to take the tabs the Dr prescribed? They are not going to solve your problems, but they may help in the short term, so you see things a little differently?

I don't want to leave the house to go and get them

You need a window in all this, a space to breathe. The ADs might help provide this... how did you get out of the house last time? How do you feel about one of your older children picking them up for you?

You say your older kids are adults - could they collect your prescription for you?

The Mental Health board here is brilliant and there are some amazing folk on there. I'm off to my bed now but it's worth a visit over there...

Yes definitely could, my eldest called by today to do it but as I was asleep he left me.
Eldest is now busy for the rest week and second eldest isn't free during the day till Thursday, but it is defintely an option open to me

Would your local pharmacy deliver them? Some chemists will pick up prescriptions for housebound patients.
You should be proud that you have been honest with yourself and admitted to yourself that you have problems.
The money you Owen account of gambling, is this owed to friends? Credit cards? Payday loans? How are you gambling? Lottery? Casino sites?

It's bingo and I've been using payday loans, I have absolutely no hope of repaying. Yet another thing that I keep promising myself I will change and don't do it.

Can I ask to have this moved to mental health, I never thought about that and it would probably better there?

As emmanana said, the pharmacy may be able to deliver. sometimes this arrangment has to have been made in person, or by the GP, but call your GP & explain you cannot go out to get the anti-d's & that you have no-one who can bring them to do. This could be the bit of the boost that you need.

It sounds as if there is a lot of difficult things going on right now which are all contributing to your depression. I think the counselling is also a very positive step.

That is the thing - you are making the right steps. wanting to change. going to the GP. distancing yourself from a friend who seems to impact you negatively. I think you should try & be proud of yourself, these are big things & not easy.Also, you are here - MN is fantastic for support. and as others have said, maybe pop over to the MH board as there is a chance your thread may disappear off the bottom here on chat, but - if you don't want to do that right now do feel free to carry on posting here.

There is a lot of help for agoraphobia, depression & gambling. there is also a lot of support for people with complex needs (lots of overlapping issues) it may take you some time to go the right help, but - as I said, you have made the biggest step.

What do you think you could work on yourself while waiting for help? When I was very ill with my depression I found it very hard to wash & over a few months I managed to change this. (yes, months, but I did it). I know am that sort of person who uses a zillion difference face washes and potipons and lotions daily, but now I take pleasure in looking after my skin/teeth even when I am doing badly. It is a far way from 'looking after myself' but it is a big step for me. not wanting to go on about myself, but I wanted you to feel that things can be done, and you can do it. Okay, washing & dressing won't make your problems go poof, but it may help you feel a bit more in control.

Thinking of you OP.

If you have been playing on one of the well known bingo sites, you can have your membership self suspended. They have to offer this service as part of the gamble aware law. That sounds easier said than done, I so realise that. It's not a case of saying to you 'don't do it'. If giving stuff up was that easy we would all be sober size 10's with zero cc balances.
It is a step on the road you need to take. A very big step, but you can do it. The tablets may help you find it a little easier to do.

Hi there
We have moved this to M Health for you, OP
HTH
MNHQ

How are you this morning? have you managed to sort out delivery/collection of your prescription?