Am I depressed? anxious? crazy? normal? just angry? just tired? I don't know...

[complexo]

The only thing I know is that i would like help, but I am so confused, I don't even know what kind of help I need, I don't know what kind of problem I have...
I massivly over react sometimes and feel dreadful afterwards...sometimes I don't have energy to do anything...so I drag myself because unfortunetely i can't just hide under the duvet. Sometimes I am up and down, all over the place, getting things done or maybe starting things and not finishing them properly...sometimes I spent a lot of time trying to decide what to do and how to do it, and endeding up doing the opposite, or not doing nothing I planned at all...
But what makes me really unhappy is when I take it on my daughter, she is lovely, but she gets on my nerves just for being a 5 year old, and when she is not readily obeying me, I feel I have no control and I lose the plot...(shout and over react)..
Help

Thanks so much for listening
The last 3 days have been a lot better, I am try to control my anxiety and to recognize what might make me feel anxious in the first place to avoid it scalating and also I am changing my behaviour towards my daughter, I am getting more organised and giving her more time to do things I think it is making a difference. I was very proud of her behaviour today after school she was really trying to 'work with me' instead of 'against me', at some points she was getting a bit silly, but I need to realize that she is only 5 and making the other children laugh makes her feel good about herself...
Anyway, this thread has helped me a lot and I am reflecting on myself and my behaviour, making all the connections and I can see everything that happens today (the way I am) got a link with my past and distant childhood.
Sometimes I am overwhelmed with so many memories and insights I wish I had the talent to write a book or a novel or even come up with a character to represent me and put this story down in writing.....

Glad things are going better for you and your daughter. Positive parenting is a good thing to aim for - lots of praise for behaviour that you want and trying to downplay as much as you can behaviour you don't want. The important thing though is that you are making the link between the way you are parenting your daughter and the way you were parented. You don't need to write a book, I think maybe the best thing would be for you to get some therapy about your "past and distant" childhood, because any kind of upset or trauma in childhood follows us into our adult lives and affects the way we parent. You can only usually pass on what you yourself have recieved, and if you were fortunate enough to have parents who loved and cared for you and gave you unconditional love, you will pass that on, but if on the other hand there were elements of your childhood that were negative, you need to bring them out into the light of day, so that you can come to some sort of acceptance and modifying your own way of parenting, which it sounds like you have started to do.

Thanks NanaNina. No I wasn't fortunate enough to have received unconditional love and in fact I would be reminded every day what I burden I(and siblings) were for them, that any of my mum's 3 pregnancies were planned, that she never ever wanted to be a mother and how she nearly aborted me. How she couldn't wait for us to grow up and live her alone and how she would hate to be a grandmother too. And my father was so emotionally detached, alcoholic and bipolar that I don't even know what he really thought about us. No wonder I had so many problems in relationships and got distressed when got pregnant by surprise. I was thinking about ending the relationship with my partner just before I found out about my pregnancy but decided to face the responsibilities and try and create a family against all the odds. Obviously my mum criticised me for that too. All my life I felt that I can't do nothing right. Low self steam is one BIG problem in my life.

I could've written your opening post! You have described exactly how I've been feeling. It's affecting my entire life and I've finally plucked up the courage to ask the GP for help.

My biggest fear is that he'll roll his eyes and tell me to get a grip and that there are people far worse off than me. Realistically, I know he's not going to do this, but it's what's been putting me off.

My appointment is this afternoon; I'll report back and let you know what happens if you like?

Oh complexo I am surprised you are still standing upright after such a childhood with so many dreadful messages about how unwanted you were. I don't think you need to look any further for the difficulties between you and your daughter. You are doing what mostly everyone does- they pass on the parenting that they received as a child. The important thing is that you can recognise the difficulties with you and your daughter and are trying to do something about it and this means that you have a great deal of insight and somehow have managed to do this, despite your past.

Is there any way that you can afford therapy, because though this won't erase your awful childhood, it might well help to make the hurts of the past more manageable. Mind I imagine that your mother had the same kind of parenting and this is why she was the sort of parent that she was.

It's small wonder that self-esteem is one BIG problem in your life.

Are you in contact with your sibs and do they suffer the same problems.

RalphGnu, I would like to know how your appointment went, I still haven't booked mine...

Nananina, I don't know how much therapy costs, I could probably afford it, I am not sure if I would have the time and sometimes I worry if the language would be a barrier...or maybe it is just an excuse, I have been doing this a lot lately too, finding excuses to not to do things...but I think it would do me an awful good just to have a time and place to talk to someone about those experiences in the past, just by talking here makes me think, remember and reflect so much and the more I dig more understanding I have, it is amazing how now I can see things so differently than how I saw before.

My sibilings apparently were not affected the same way, I have one sister who is 1 year older than me and one brother who is 5 years younger. From an young age I was had the feeling that my sister received more attention than me and I was sure people were more pleased with her than with me...I always thought it was because she was cleverer, prettier and well behaved (as people loved to point out) and my dad's two older sibilings are her godparents and his two younger sibilings were students when she was born so they moved in with my parents to do the childcare while dad worked full time and mum were joggling university and a part time job. I always thought that it created a special bond with my sister and my 2 uncles and 2 aunties from my dad's side, they were the closest family we had as my mum were living away from my maternal granny and her sister. Than mum got pregnant with me and the whole dynamic changed, I think no one was prepared for another child after such a short time my sister had been born and that is why she thought about abortion (which is fair enough for her to consider, but why did I need to know that???). I must think that the whole family got a bit resentful I was born. My uncle and autie couldn't do the childcare anymore and my mum had to hire housekeepers...in my country (somewhere in south america) you can hire a lady for a minimum wage which is very low and this person will do all the cleaning, cooking, childcarer and whatever else...it is har work and only whoever had no other option go for it, some of them are good some not so much, and my mum had loads of them...
I remember being with my sister all the time and everywhere, but when I was with my aunties and uncles even though apparently I was receiving the same kind of attention and material stuff, I was felt outcasted and I knew the bond they had with her was stronger...until this date it still is, even the bond my sister have with my mother. I just feel really loved by my maternal grandmother and my maternal auntie, but unfortunetely they didn't live close to us and I did not see them very often. In fact, my maternal auntie became my grandmother because (as my granny told me) one day during a family gathering, everyone was so busy cooing over my sister who was a funny 1 year old and I as a new born was left alone to cry in the cot receiving no attention. So my auntie who was 15 at the time took an interest to me and than my mum asked for her to be my godmother...the godfather was another teenager cousin who I never could bond much...My sister still is more clever and calm and patient than I am, but it seems she had a great 1st year of life and I was doomed since I was concievied.
Than my brother came along and being a boy and the last one he also got loads of attention specially from my dad who never cared about us girls (or didn't know how to show it). When my brother was a toddler my mum left my dad and always told us she wanted to do it when my sister was a baby (she just got marreid to please her dad who was dying), than I came along - and spoiled her plans haha - than she had to wait until she was earning enough money to support the family whitout relying on child maintanance (in my country there is no such a thing as state benefits for single mothers)...my mum left my dad and went straight into other relationship, so she was happy when my brother was little..but it was a dysfunctional relationship too (another chapter for my book) and after about 5, 6 years, she left her partner, moving far away to another city...I was a pre teen, I had to leave my school and friends, it was very hard for me. Funny though is that my mum moved closer to my godmother and granny and further from my paternal auties and uncles, but my sister was still ok, and carried on doing well at school and making friends while I just went downhill from there on.
Now a days my brother still have a great relationship with my mum, but I think he was still small to take much notice of the problems between my mum and dad and my mum and her new partner...
My sister is also in London (see how we came so far from my mum how she wished) and her relationship with my mum was better in the past...after her depression she started doing a lot of digging and it changed how she sees my mum...last time we had a real conersation few months ago, we spoke about childhood stuff for the first time and she said she wanted to let my mum know everything that she done wrong and affected my sister's life...while me just want to understand and forget, there is no point and making my mum feel bad now, everyone make mistakes. And was interesting talking about my dad how we felt so differently as a child because I was felt so criticized by him, I could't stand be next to him in case he would criticize me for anything I did or didn't...she would feel so ignored and craving for his attention that later on she became very needy in her relationships...I wanted to get away from dad and she wanted to get closer..

Correction
(In fact, my maternal auntie became my grandmother)
not my grandmother - godmother..

Hi complexo, how are things today?

The trip to the doctor was great. He has put me on citalopram for the depression and propanolol for the migraines I've been suffering which is also a beta blocker and will help the anxiety attacks. He really couldn't have been more supportive and has told me I can ring him any time if things get a bit much and need to talk. He's also referred me for counselling.

I'm feeling so much better today. I know it's too early for the medication to start working and I know there will be no miracle fix but the relief I feel is great. Knowing that the doctor understood me has helped me to realise that I'm not going mad(!), it isn't my fault and there's nothing to be ashamed of. The only problem is that I've had diarrhoea and nausea all night and this apparently is a common side effect of the citalopram.

I'd like to reiterate what another poster wrote above: you may not feel like it but you're amazing, to struggle with everything you're struggling with and to work and look after your family too...wow.

Hi RalphGnu I'm so glad your appointment went well and you have a good doctor. Good luck with your treatment. Is the counselling free?? I've reading the anxiety thread and I got scared with all the drugs names.....I'm now not sure if I'm suffering depression or anxiety at all tbh. I hardly ever get headaches and I'm not sure if I ever had a real panic attack however sometimes I get really unhappy if things are not going my way even on the slightest stupid things and I suspect this is anxiety of loosing control. I sometime do react like there is someone else inside my body not myself eg: very snappy over nothing so I'm not sure what it is. I probably ought to get some time to do research and check symptoms out. Keep us informed about your progress. X

Hi RalphG - so glad that you managed to get to the GP (taking that first step is often the hardest) and that your GP was sympathetic. He certainly sounds like he is going the "extra mile" for you. I think depression is a deceiful illness and because we can't make any sense of what is going on we do feel we are going mad, and it is incredibly scarey.

The side effects have obviusly kicked in straight away, and these usually go away once your body has become accustomed to the AD. You will have to see how things go - sometimes you have to try a couple of different ADs to find the one that suits you. Hwever so glad that you GP's assurances have helped you. I feel ashamed when my depressison is bad and keep thinking there is something I should be able to do to stop it, whereas we don't feel like this with a physical illness - another trick this horrid illness plays on us.
Oh just another thing, I used to suffer from migraines (sometimes weekly) and I was working then (now retired) and paracetomol or anything like that did no good. Then one day my GP prescribed something called "naratriptan" and it was like a magic cure. There are quite a few drugs in the "triptan" family "sumatriptan" is another - brand name is Imigran. They are not pain killers but they reduce the swelling in the blood vessels around the brain which when swollen produce the pain of migraine. I think people under estimate migraine and think it's just a headache but as you know it's much worse. In fact it is a nuerological condition. I do still keep a pack just in case and my GP is happy to prescribe them alongside my AD which is not an SSRI like yours, it's a more old fasioned drug a tryclic (imipramine) but it suits me. So it might be worth mentioning this to your GP. The pain of migraine is now gone in 2 hours, whereas before I had to lie in a dark room from lunctime on one day to the following morning and then felt washed out for the next day, so naratriptan changed my life. They are quite an expensive drug so GPs don't tell patients about them sometimes - abour £5 a tab I think, but that shouldn't be an issue but I'm afraid it is.

Hi Complexo thank you for your detailed description of your family life and I think you have probably been brought up to think of yourself as "not being good enough" (certainly second best) and this has contributed to your low self esteem and lack of confidence. I think in a way it's worse that you suffered more than your sister and brother and they have a better relationship with your mother.

I honestly think you need to do 2 things

1. Go to your GP and tell him/her how you have been feeling. Often they ask you questions and score each answer and then add up the score, and sometimes that can be mild depresion, moderate or severe. If the GP doesn't think you are depressed then so be it. ButI think you must tell the GP about your father's mental illness and your sister's depression because there is a genetic link

and

1. Find a good therapist (I'll post the register where you can look - just can't remember it now.) Therapy costs aound £50 per hour, dependent upon where you live. I think you might be making excuses because it is a hard thing to do, and opening up things that have been bottled up for years is scarey. But I think you will make good use of therapy because you are starting to look back and make the links between your own childhood and your parenting of your daughter. It's sometimes painful in therapy to bring into the open really sad things from the past, but that is the way to start coming to terms with what happened to you, when you were a child.

OK complexico you need to put BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists. Anyone on the list will be credible as they have to be registered with this Association. You should be able to find someone in your area. SO go for it............and the GP!! NNx

Thank you so much

Thank you so much

Op you sound like me. I had pnd of some dort after 5th baby 15 months ago. I think it was related to baby being unexpected at 43.pil shoddy behaviour after birth,baby had cleft palate and subsequwnt surgery and illness.

I have been coping ok on 20mg prozac but last weekend missed a few doses and have been downhill all week,i have pmt as well but i feel terrible physically and mentally. I am now worried as to what is still bubbling away under the medication.

Defo see the gp,what else can you do? Need to sort it out and this is the start.

I bought Kalms tablets and Bach Flower Essences drops. Anyone have used or are using any of them? Is it any good. I will start taking them tomorrow.

I bought Kalms tablets and Bach Flower Essences drops. Anyone have used or are using any of them? Is it any good. I will start taking them tomorrow.