2 months of hell and still going........

[icannotdothis]

i have been a lurker on these pages for a while but this is the first time i have posted on here.

in april i tried to take my own life through overdose and then hanging myself as i am writing this you can guess is did not work i was assesed by the crisis team and admitted to the local mental heath unit i was just in shock i have never been involved or had experiance of mental health teams or wards so was scared to death

i have emotional issues and abuse issues from childhood and really don't know where my head is half the time i have a happy home life a wonderful husband and 3 amazing children yet i feel unworthy of them and that they would be better off with outme

i was assesed over 10 days on my first admission and diagnosed with emontionally unstable personality disorder and extreme anxitey since then i have been admitted twice more for a few days due to Self harm

self harm is what i thnk about a lot most days now it has been 8 days since my last cut and the thoughts are driving me to distraction all i thoink about is hurting myself

i feel like the most discusting and selfish person alive to put my husband and children through this

i don't even know why i have posted now just needed to get it out

Well done for not self harming
Am bumping for you
Agree that you need somebody with experience to help you

Thanks amillionyears

The need to self harm is so strong but the distraction and haliperidol seem to be working at the moment

You don't have to open up all at once. Get to know the therapist first. See how things go. Do it at your pace x

sorry youve been so distressed
maintain contact with CMHT and Crisis teams
i hope you find some time to access help and feel more worthy

I only get half hour sessions and tgey are limited :(

Feel like i just want to scream it all out yet it scares me

Let us know how it goes (How about changing your name to ICandothis!) and half an hour isn't long - not long enough really - ime sessions need to be 50 - 60 mins. See how you get on with the therapist. Take it steady and say only as much as you feel able to say.

Have you ever tried writing it all down (not necessarily to show anyone) but just to get some of it out of your head onto paper. I find this useful but others find it too scarey. I know that Madmouse had some therapy that was really helpful and I think she got it on the NHS too, but it depends on the particular health authority I think.

evening all

so i had my therapy session today and iit was a disaster it was an hour long and really rushed in to the heart of the abuse i just found it to much to have all the images in my head i went in to the toilet afterwards and used the razor blade i have had stached for weeks to cut myself

both legs and one arms i have really done a number on myself and i feel like shit my husband is refusing to speak to me about it or any of the session he says he has had enough

i feel like i amd losing everything i just can not cope

Im sorry it went so horrible today.
It sounds like the therapist did not go at a pace suitable for you [they sound like idiots]
Im thinking your DH will have calmed down tomorrow.
Posting to say I am here.As you know,I dont know many specifics to help you.Am sending you

if in immediate distress call ooh team
if lacerations need attention go a&e,can access psych liaison through a&e too
no benefit from mulling it over on mn

Can you say any more about the therapy being a disaster (and I have had a similar experience.) What did you feel about the therapist - did you feel comfortable with her/him though it sounds like you didn't. Therapy is painful and brings to the fore a lot of the things that you have been trying to push away. However it does sound like it was too much too quick.

So sorry you felt the need to SH - do the cuts need medical treatment. People just don't understand SHing do they, and it's difficult to explain to anyone.
Can you try and calm down a bit - don't know if you have any ways of doing so - I lie on om bed and do some breathing exercises but it takes practice. Are you paying for this therapy?

I think what's said in therapy needs to be addressed in therapy
not on mn
as much as anyone wants to support,you have a rl therapeutic relationship with therapist. and you both need to address the issues in the sessions

I think scottishmummy works in a health related field,so she will know her stuff.
Just cant help feeling though,that you may still need to talk on here as well as doing the immediate health stuff.

Ah I do agree with you scottishmummy and shouldn't have asked about the therapy - suppose I was just trying to reach out to ICDY, but you are absolutely right, and yes I know you work in MH.

Just to say I am still here.Have been thinking about you for the last couple of days.You dont seem to have been posting on MN recently.
I wasnt too happy about what scottishmummy said on Thursday,but left it as she works in Mental Health.
But the more I have thought about it,the more I want to stick with my original thoughts that you need the professional help[and I am trusting and hoping that scottishmummy does indeed know her stuff,dont know her so cant be entirely sure,but probably she does talk the right stuff],
but I am also strongly of the opinion that you also need to talk on here .
I cannot see what is wrong with having both,so as I said,I am here.

Dont know if you realise,what you did worked by the way.