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Mental health

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Original poster

2 months of hell and still going........

40 replies

icannotdothis · 02/06/2012 19:44

i have been a lurker on these pages for a while but this is the first time i have posted on here.

in april i tried to take my own life through overdose and then hanging myself as i am writing this you can guess is did not work i was assesed by the crisis team and admitted to the local mental heath unit i was just in shock i have never been involved or had experiance of mental health teams or wards so was scared to death

i have emotional issues and abuse issues from childhood and really don't know where my head is half the time i have a happy home life a wonderful husband and 3 amazing children yet i feel unworthy of them and that they would be better off with outme

i was assesed over 10 days on my first admission and diagnosed with emontionally unstable personality disorder and extreme anxitey since then i have been admitted twice more for a few days due to Self harm

self harm is what i thnk about a lot most days now it has been 8 days since my last cut and the thoughts are driving me to distraction all i thoink about is hurting myself

i feel like the most discusting and selfish person alive to put my husband and children through this

i don't even know why i have posted now just needed to get it out

OP posts:

HereInMyHead · 02/06/2012 19:58

Hi. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a terrible time and well done for reaching out. I'm sure someone more articulate will be along soon, but just didn't want your post to go unanswered. I have suffered with severe PND in the past and struggle with anxiety myself. I hope you find some peace soon xx

amillionyears · 02/06/2012 20:16

Have not been through any of this,so again,hopefully people with more knowledge than me will be along soon.
Just writing to say people are listening.
Im glad you have a wonderful husband and 3 kids.You have done very well.
You are not unworthy and the family definitely need you.
Are they around at the moment?
Are you able to talk to them?

Original poster

icannotdothis · 02/06/2012 20:23

Hereinmyhead :- thank you for your reply

Things are just so confusing i have been under the crisis team since discharge but now i am waiting for my cpn to get in touch

I have therapy set up to starting next week

OP posts:

madmouse · 02/06/2012 20:27

Feelin unworthy, ashamed, dirty, disgusting, selfish etc are a consequence of the abuse. Most of us survivors (yes me to) have most of these feelings. Or have had them if we've managed to work through them in therapy. I'm rid of most.

Try to see them as a result of what happened to you, so blame the people who hurt you and then work with those helping you to tackle them.

Abuse is never your fault. And it does damage in a way people who haven't been through it will never understand no matter how hard they try. But hang in there, life will get better again x

pm me if you want. If you search posts with my nickname, or under my previous one 'willsurvivethis' (if they're still there) you can get an idea of my back story.

Original poster

icannotdothis · 02/06/2012 21:08

Madmouse :- thank you for replying i have read your posts before on fluffydressinggowna thread

I have no clue how to deal with all the things in my head my family are supportive but i think fed up of hearing about it now

I just feel said sad the images and memorys are making me sick

OP posts:

amillionyears · 02/06/2012 21:20

Im glad you have got therapy starting next week.
Take each day,1 day at a time.
You are not disgusting and you are not selfish
You could have a look at some past threads in search on here about self harming if that would help you.

Original poster

icannotdothis · 02/06/2012 21:22

I am also scared to sleep as the dreams are awful and i think i am losing the plot completly as the last few days i have been hearing and seeing things

It not like i'm sleep depribed as i have been sleeping at night and a couple of hours during the day

OP posts:

amillionyears · 02/06/2012 21:25

Is there an emergency number you have been given for the local ward.I think I have seen that said on MN before.
And would ringing the samaritans help?
they may also have useful phone numbers for you to ring.

amillionyears · 02/06/2012 21:32

Ig you google "mind",they seem to have potentially useful information ,and a telephone number to ring on there.

Original poster

icannotdothis · 02/06/2012 21:48

I really would not know what to say to anyone on the phone i do not have any suicide thoughts i just find the thoughts of self harm are so strong

Also if i told my husband i was hearing things he would freak out just wondered if anyone else heard.things is it down to stress or not self.harming

OP posts:

amillionyears · 02/06/2012 22:03

Samaritans are there to listen,they are not only for suicide thoughts.
They are there for all sorts of problems.
Their phone number is 08457 909090 or 1850 609090 if you are in the Republic of Ireland.
You can also go on their websiteand press the email me now button if you would find it easier to email rather than the talking.

Original poster

icannotdothis · 03/06/2012 12:38

Had a bad night lasr night woke up screaming from a nightmare had to take haliperidol juat to calm down

Feek so lost and upset having these images in my head

OP posts:

NanaNina · 03/06/2012 13:04

i think you might find it helpful to pm Madmouse as she has invited you to do this. She is very knowedgeable about past abuse and PTSD and you need to talk to someone who really understands and has personal experience and advice to share.

amillionyears · 03/06/2012 13:33

Im sorry you had a nightmare.
Nightmares are horrid.
Would they be a possible side effect from any medicines you are taking.
Even if I have taken a vitamin medicine in the past,if I take it for longer than 3 days,it gives me awful dreams.

madmouse · 03/06/2012 13:34

These images in your head are flashbacks and intrusive images. Traumatic memories (memories of horrible events) don't get date stamped like other memories, in other words they do not get an 'this is in the past' label so keep going round in your head making your life a misery. Good therapy can help with that. I had different types from different people as I processed the abuse I went through. Towards the end I had something called EMDR which specifically helps with putting memories to bed. It is not always immediately suitable for everyone as it can be tough while it happens and new memories can come up. But it is possible to work through things. I dare say that 90-95% of the time for me the abuse is in the past. I will always be a survivor and things can trigger me, but I'm strong now and whole. So don't give up.

LucieMay · 03/06/2012 13:36

Mental health can affect anyone regardless of income, marital status, age, gender etc. Never feel guilty about the problems you suffer from, it isn't your fault. It is an illness, just like cancer or any other physical illness. You are not to blame.

Original poster

icannotdothis · 04/06/2012 21:16

I am losing it tonight the voices and paronoid thoughts i feel so messed up

I feel everyone is after me

I need to cut i need to hurt i nees the release

I dont know what to do

OP posts:

madmouse · 04/06/2012 21:49

talk

about how you feel. On here, or to someone at the Samaritans. Don't feel you need to talk about the abuse, just talk about how you feel right now. I can't stay up much longer, but others will be here x

Original poster

icannotdothis · 04/06/2012 22:16

Thank you madmouse i have no idea howto pm on here and i guess your logged off by now

I just feel so lost and muddled i know my thoughts are irrational yet it does not stop them tumbling through my head

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twitchrabbitbouncebounce · 04/06/2012 22:24

to pm, look at the top of the page, by the mumsnet banner there is a button that says log off & one that says messages. click on messages. :)

I can relate to a lot of what you have written & share your diagnoses. it sounds as if you are in a horrible place right now & i really hope the upcoming therapy helps & you can get support from your cpn, mine has helped me hugely.

That irrational and muddled feeling is horrible, can you try and distract or make yourself feel safe? I often go sit with my dp and watch something with him on netflix or whatever. can you do this with your dh? you do not have to tell him how you are feeling if you don't want to, but being in close proximity to him may make you feel safer.

MMcanny · 04/06/2012 22:25

You must have a 24/7 number for the crisis team, call them. You need their help. They may be able to talk you down or send meds to get you thru. Sounds like a break down I had a few years ago. No one is out to get to. Do you have diazepam you can take to help you calm down enough to sleep? I'm so sorry you're going thru this. It is horrible but it is all in your head, the bad stuff I mean. Remember, like you told us, you have a wonderful husband and three kids. They need and want you to be well. I had to be on anti-psychotic medication for a while, it really helped. Good luck to you. x

Original poster

icannotdothis · 04/06/2012 22:39

I have taken a big dose of haliperidol and some zopiclone to hopefully knock me out

Thabk you for your replys

OP posts:

MMcanny · 04/06/2012 22:43

Enjoy your drugs and try not to worry. It is possible to get thru this sort of thing and be a 'normal' happy functioning person on the other side. x

NanaNina · 05/06/2012 00:35

So sorry you are feeling so awful. The easy way to PM is just to look at he blue line with the poster's name on and date of post and click on Message Poster. So you could PM Madmouse by just doing that. Some people ask if they can PM somebody but others just do it and say they hope it's OK and for me that's fine.

Hope you are sleeping.
Will check in tomorrow

Original poster

icannotdothis · 06/06/2012 20:29

Hi all i have still not self harmed the need to do it is making me sick to my stomach :(

Tomorrow i have my first therapy sessionand iam scared to death i'm worried about opening up and how i will cope

Anyone have experience??

OP posts:

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