I'm having a bit of a crisis moment

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Bit of background. I was signed off work at the start of Feb with stress and have been on Fluoxetine for depression and propanolol when needed for anxiety. Started off on 20mg Fluoxetine, but upped to 40mg after 6 weeks as I was still pretty frantic.

I started back at work last week as I really had to. They're reorganising again which means my job is under threat for the 5th time since 2007 and I have to be there. My managment have been really good over the last few weeks and have allowed a gradual return to work with me working a lot from home as so long as I have a good internet connection I can do a lot of my job from anywhere.

The thing is that I am back in the actual office on Monday and since mid last week I have been back to where I was before I was signed off which to be frank is a pretty dark place where all I can think of is getting in my car and driving off somewhere and not coming back. This is not a good thing.

Realistically I know I am not well enough to be working. I've not slept properly for two weeks, I am so on edge I can't bear the thought of going out and doing anything and I am feeling pretty close to the edge of reason, but I don't see what else I can do. I support my family financially, DH's salary wouldn't cover the mortgage let alone anything else, so I have to go back and start earning again, even though the thought is, frankly, making me suicidal.

I don't even know why I am writing this here as there's nothing much anyone can do, I just need to get on with it, but I just had to get it out somewhere how bloody awful I am feeling right now. My life is bloody hard work and a bit too much to cope with. Two small children, one with SN. A stressful management job that supports the whole family. Its too much and I just don't think I can do it any more. But I will. Monday will see me getting dressed in my suit and killer heels and going and managing a load of staff and picking up a load of projects that have been iced in my absense and all of the rest of the stuff that needs doing, but I am actually sceaming inside at the thought of it.

Hi The party went really well. DS really enjoyed it, the team doing the party did a cracking job - to the extent that we tipped them and will probably use them again.

But I have seriously crashed and burned since getting back. Went to bed and couldn't get up for a couple of hours followed by a really horrible anxiety attack. Thankfully got through to the crisis team who've been able to talk me down and plan now is more diazepam, bath and an early night with the laptop and possibly some chocolate. The good news at least is I have managed to eat something today, so go me.

I'm waiting for the diazepam to kick in and I bloody well hope it does soon as I'm skating v close to the edge of reason and scared will fall. How do you do it when all your head can think about is hurting yourself. I feel like i'm going mad.

aww, honey, just saw this!

sorry, got called away with a 3year old "emergency". When I was frightened to be alone weds afternoon I called friends until I got someone with time to talk.
I hope your diazepam kicked in shortly after your last post!

Hi Keema - crap day here for me too, am only just "coming up for air" as I usually get better by evening, but couldn't get out of bed this morning.

I think you did wonders by doing the party - that must have taken a mega amount of effort and small wonder you zonked out after it. I often find I get bad days after something that has been an ordeal.

I know what you mean by "skating v close to the edge of reason and being scared that you will fall. What do you mean when you say "hurting yourself" - do you mean cutting yourself or something similar or are having suicidal thoughts" - I know that both are very common thoughts in severe depression. I think some people see self harming as a coping mechanism to feel physical pain over the emotional pain, but it is not the way to go, as it is dangerous. I was obsessed with suicidal thoughts a my worst and thought of all sorts of ways of "getting rid of myself" - another common symptom of severe depression. I think you need to talk to your DH about your feelings of self harm so that he protect you.

I know how it feels to feel like you're going mad - you can't believe you can feel so unbelievably awful and still be alive. I'm sure it is worse than any physical illness. Can you remember back to the episode you had 20 years ago and whether you are worse this time or not. Presumably you made a complete recovery so there isn't any reason why that won't happen again, but first you have to get through the shite.

Is the anxiety worse - sounds like it might be. Can you cry - I used to cry and wail when really anxious and it sort of did me good but of course you wouldn't want your children to hear you. Is there anychance your DH can have some time off work. The crisis team will be in again tomorrow and I think you just have to hang on in there and wait to see the psych on Tuesday which might be helpful - hope so - cus some of them are funny buggers.

Will check in tomorrow - or later tonight. Thinking of you NNx

Right, meds have kicked in and I am sat downstairs with DH watching Kung Fu Panda rather than being alone upstairs with my head.

Strangely I can't cry at the moment. No crying at all which is really weird considering how low I am. I think the only time I've got close to crying recently was when I had the CPN round yesterday and she said the way I was presenting there was no way I could make it into work on Tues which is bizarre.

Hurting myself ranges from imaginging physical self harm right to jumping in front of a train. It was the level of detachment that I started to feel about my own demise that got me to the GP - I was really scaring myself that I would go through with it.

The CPN who came today brought a schedule and I have a visit tomorrow, the psych on tuesday, nothing on wed and then another on Thurs, but nothing else after that. I'm feeling a bit shaky on that score as I don't know if it means that they think I will be OK by that point or if I only get one week of help. The way I feel at the moment I really need that security of having someone on hand. erk.

To be honest I'd forgotten who truly awful this thing can be when it gets severe. I've felt shit between the last time and this time, but not to the point when I am struggling to understand how I am going to get through the next hour alive.

Thanks for the support. I feel a bit selfish for not offering anything back at the moment, but its all I can do just to keep myself going. I'll make sure I repay the kindnesses when I am pulling out of this hole.

Oh glad the meds have kicked in and please don't worry about offering support to me or anyone else, and you are not being selfish. I know how it feels to be overwhelmed when you feel this bad. I think it is quite "normal" to be having thoughts of harming yourself through to throwing yourself in front of a train. I have been there and at my worst I was thinking of going in the canal and drowning (even though I'm a good swimmer) but I thought if I drank a lot of alcohol and just sort of sank that would be it. I also thought of the train and of jumping from high buildings. Over dosing was quite appealing but I was scared I wouldn't take enough. Oh the nights I have been to bed just praying for a quiet heart attack in the night. I think the thoughts we have at time like this are called suicide ideation, in the sense that we have the thoughts but won't go thrugh with it, but it is always taken seriously because 25% of people with sevre depression do attempt suicide.

This new schedule sounds rather less than they promised as I thought it covered you for 2 weeks. Maybe they are waiting to get the psych's views on your illness before committing themselves to anything more. You can't possibly be better from something as bad as this in 2 weeks as I'm sure you know. CPNs work for a particular psychiatrist usually and so I think it's important when you see the psych on Tuesday to say how much you feel you need support. Needless to say you must also tell him/her just how bad you are feeling, though that will probably be apparent. Do you think making list of your symptoms (in bullet points maybe) would be a good idea. Sometimes it helps when talking is difficult.

It's strange about crying or not, as different people manifest their severe emotional pain by crying, whereas others don't and it doesn't mean those who cry are worse that those who don't. It's just the way it is for individuals. I cried far more in my last episode than in this one. Though for me crying is helpful as it releases some of the scarey feelings.

YOu do have to try to deal with the day in chunks of time really when you are this low because looking at the whole day is too scarey. Are you going to have to look after the childen tomorrow or is there anyone else who can help with this. Are either of the chidren at school? I can't imagine how hard it is to have children to care for when the depression is this severe.

I know you are going through hell at the moment but you have to believe that this will pass and you will feel better at some point in the future though no one can predict how long these episodes will last, and then just to sock us one again, we get good days when we think we are recovered, only to wake upfeeling crap the next day. I hate not being able to control my life and not being reliable enough to pick my gr/chrn up from school, which I always used to do before this 2nd episode.

When you say you have felt shite in between the episodes, has it just been ordinary shite, likes stresses and strains of holding down a responsible job, childcare etc etc., or has it been dep/anx shite as I think there is a world of difference between the two. In my experience lots of people don't "get this" and think we are just having "ordinary" bad days which really pisses me off.

You will get through this, though I know it's difficult to believe at the moment. Keep posting - I'll be back in the morning. NNx

I've really, really struggled today. Its just been an effort to do anything and reading between the lines I think the CPN thought I was worse than I think I am as she kept wittering on about assessing risk and they've called again this afternoon and have said they'll call again at 9ish this evening but its just stupid as asking me in the morning how I am going to feel in the evening is like asking me to predict the weather as how the hell am I supposed to know.

I'm just tired. I've taken my second diazepam of the day and think I'll have an early night. Bah. I have the psych coming tomorrow so we'll just see what she thinks too. I'm kind of past caring at the moment tbh. I have no idea what they're seeing as they're not telling me that but don't think I don't appreciate support, I do I just don't know whats going through their heads.

Must say I'm getting rather hacked off with the 4:30am panic attack, but at least it's consistent. Also, better than any alarm clock I've ever had.

I think the CPNs are giving you a clear message Keema that you are rather more "poorly" than you think. The business of assessing risk, might mean they are thinking of admission to hospital for a short time. Oh god I so remember the 4.30 wake ups. I think you wake feeling afraid - of facing another crap day and then you get more and more scared and that makes you panic.

Be interested to know how you got on with the psych today?

Hi NanaNina, well after seeing the psych today I think you are probably right. She told me that I was very ill, has barred me from driving for a month and has upped the dosage of diazepam form 4mg a day to 10mg a day for the next week with a review after then. When I asked why the hell she was suspending my driving license she managed to come up with 6 pretty good reasons and then added the diazepam for 7. So fine. I'm ill.

She did say that this is a temporary thing and that it will get better and I can get through it. I just need a lot of help at the moment. She's right, as the anxiety is just fucking awful and constant. I take the pills, the anxiety calms down but it all falls down again pretty quickly.

Well Keema I am glad that the MH services in your area are now aware of how ill you are - and that you now believe it. Hope the increased dose of diazepam will take the edge off the anxiety. I wonder why she didn't prescribe an AD as well - ah well I'm sure she knows best.

Is the psych seeing you next week for a review or the CPNs, and are they going to be visiting on a frequent basis. I'm glad she reassured you about the illness being a temporary thing.

I'm wondering who is going to care for the children as you don't seem like you are able to.........is there anyone else who could help out?

Keep posting Keema if you can - at least it might help to distract you a little.

Thinking of your................NNx

Well this is a nice variation. 3am panic attack instead of 4.

Psych is keeping me on fluoxetine as she didn't think it was the right time to change it but said may do so when anxiety has come down a little.
Not all together sure what's happening with my care plan. No one is coming out tomorrow but have arranged to see a friend so not alone all day. Last booked appt is thurs but expect more after that.

Thanks for listening x

I'm awake Keema, if you want to chat.

for some reason I wake up stupidly early in the morning to have a panic about random stuff. Thankfully this time I managed to get back to sleep after a while.

Ah I had forgotten that you were already on an AD Keema though it looks like the psych might prescribe something different, which might be more effective. I think the CPNs might be reviewing the need for their visits on a week by week basis at the moment as demand outweighs supply, and so their visiting pattern has to be based on severity of the illness. Also the psych will have given them a steer on this.

When you see the CPN tomorrow you could ask about this, and say you feel safer if you know they are coming. I'm glad you've got a friend coming over - she must be a very close friend, or maybe you are not like me, as I have an absolute dread of anyone seeing me on bad days.

Did the 3.00 am panic last as long as the 4.30 but I see that you got back to sleep ok - could be the increase in the diazepam is taking effect.

I know I keep asking about your children, but can't imagine feeling as bad as you do and having young children to care for - I can't even cope with the cat when at my very worst!!

Hope you have a good day with your friend.

My children are with my parents at the moment. DH drops them off in the morning, they do the school run for my eldest, feed them dinner in the evening and the DH brings them home. I don't know what I could do without their help as frankly my daily target at the moment is to be able to get out of bed and have a shower.

The 3am panic was helped as they've increased the diazepam but also split it into 2mg doses, so I have 2 x 4mg a day and 1 x 2mg, so when I woke up at 3 I was able to take a small dose. I think that helps.

I shouldn't have gone out today as its sent me into a bit of a flap this afternoon, but at least I made it out and got back in one piece. I've taken some diazepam and may call the crisis team if the anxiety does't come down in a bit, but for now I'm trying soup and mumsnet to distract myself.

I really hate feeling like this. I'm getting so annoyed by myself not being able to rationalise myself out of this. I'm not the proper me and its very frustrating.

Thanks for looking in by the way. It really does help to have someone, somewhere listening.

Ah am so glad that you have someone to look after the chrn as I just couldn't imagine how you were coping.

I think you are dead right that you shouldn't have gone out today (do I sense a bit of denial still around that you are really quite ill at the moment) and are trying to push yourself, and it will have increased your anxiety. A very wise psychiatrist told me "not to do anything that was an ordeal" - have you heard of CBT (it's the therapy that you can get free but there is a long waiting list, but there are lots of books on Amazon about it. It is a very simple theory really - it's about noticing the negative thoughts that we get into when very anxious, they sort of spiral downwards and make us feel more scared - and replacing those thoughts with more balanced thoughts. It sounds perfectly logical when you feel well, but maybe not when you are "bumping along the bottom" as you seem to be at the moment.

My CPN talked about it to me and I used to write down all my ANTs (automatic negative thoughts ) and sometimes I would fill a whole page (!) and then write a more balanced account of how I was feeling and then label the ANTs as unhelpful and the more balanced ones as helpful. It helped a bit but maybe you are not well enough to bother with that yet.

Your symptoms are so like mine Keema when at my lowest, this feeling that there must be something you could do to "rationalise yourself out of this" and are annoyed and frustrated with yourself. STOP and ask yourself would you feel like this if you very ill with pneumonia and I'm sure you wouldn't. Yes you might be frustrated that you were ill but you would be thinking that there must be a way of "rationalising" yourself out of it.

I know about not being the proper you - on bad days I cry and say outload to my DP "This is not who I am" and I think that is one of the scariest things about mental illness is that you feel like a stranger in your own body and feel a loss of who you are, which of course doesn't happen in physical illness. The brain is one very complex organ and I don't think there is enough research done on it really. I think this symptom of "loss of self" is the worst one, although they are all realy grim.

Have to go now but will look in again later. Take care and try not to frighten yourself any more- do you have a "haven" in your house. Mine is my bed but on the top of the duvet with a lovely warm fluffy blanket over me and I feel a bit safer.

Hi NanaNina, well I ended up on the phone to the Crisis Team again and they sent someone out for an hour which was a massive, massive help - as were some on line friends who chatted with me while I was waiting for help to arrive. The CPN who came out said something very similar to you in that I can't expect to rationalise myself out of this any more than I would cure a broken leg by walking on it. I can get through it, but I need medicine and support to do it. Its not easy to take when you are used to being hyper-organised and rational.

I think I need to reassess what I can and can't do at the moment. I reckon that I can walk to a friend's house and have a cup of tea, but anything above that can be left for a bit.

Coo the fact that the CPN came out to you is a measure of how poorly you are. I used to phone my CPN when in a bad state and she used to talk to me but never offered to come out, and I didn't like to ask! I think it's a good sign that the CPN was a massive help to you, because when we are so scared, we need reassurance that something worse is going to happen to us and being so out of conrol is also scarey.

I think it definitely hits people worse who are like you hyper-organised and maybe a perfectionist? and rational, because the gap between the real "you" and the depressed "you" is so different. I am not hyper organised but I am by nature an extrovert and certainly rational, and so it has hit me hard too because of the big gap between the "real me" and the "depressed me" is huge.

There is a book someone loaned me called "Depression - the curse of the strong" (can't remember who wrote it but it's on Amazon) and when you are feeling a bit better it might ring some bells for you.

Couldn't agree more about knowing what you can and can't do. I am lucky enough (like you) to have a long standing friend who lives about 10 mins walk across a park from me, and I have often been to hers, and lying on her sofa just chatting a bit has been very restorative.

Hope you have a good sleep and it sounds like the 3.00 am panic is slightly less worrying than the 4.30 one because you did manage to get back to sleep. Ah well it's something you don't have control over. Take care NNx

3:30am panic attack. Ahhh variety is the spice of life. Thank god for mumsnet and a phone that I can play cribbage on.

Hi keema - you have not lost your sense of humour no matter how aful you feel. I think you said CPNs were coming round today.

Won't be around till Fri night so will look in then.

Plans changed so here if you want to "talk" - will look in again in the morning.

What a ride the last two days have been. Yesterday was a really really good day in that I managed to get through it without constantly thinking about suicide and I even managed to crack some jokes with the CPN when she came around. I'm having a lot of trouble with speech at the moment, but it was stuttery but I could get a sentence out. Ended the day feeling pretty good.

Then this morning the joke was on me as my stupid fucking brain had a complete laugh at my expense. Shaking, panic attacks couldn't stop thinking about suicide again I mean what the actual fuck is that about. I called the Crisis team and thank god they came out this morning, but they were talking about admission again but they can't gaurantee that I would be given a bed in the local hospital I could be sent anywhere within the county which could be miles away so I really didn't want to go there. Its one thing being admitted 10 mins drive from home but the other places were fecking miles away - anywhere from 45 to 90 mins and the thought of being that far away. I'm struggling with speech again and finding it hard to concentrate but at least I'm still at home.

They're sending someone out again at around 5.30 as they'd rather come out and see me a couple of times a day than have me admitted and I would rather that as well. I've got someone coming out tomorrow at 9 as well and I really hope that the person coming out this evening brings me something better to get me to sleep as I can't keep surviving on 4 hours a night. Its just such an arse a I really was feeling better yesterday and now I am back to where I was with loads of imput and the suggestion of being admitted.

I can't believe that I have gone from being someones so totally logical and rational and in control to someone who is being supervised making a cup of tea in her own kitchen as she can't be let loose near anything sharp.

The extra diazepam is kicking in now so at least the shaking has stopped enough for me to update. Mental illness sucks giant ass. Totally. Bastard shitting stupid fucking brain.

Just to let you know that Keema has been admitted and has no Internet access, but will post again when she's home and a bit better.