I'm having a bit of a crisis moment

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Bit of background. I was signed off work at the start of Feb with stress and have been on Fluoxetine for depression and propanolol when needed for anxiety. Started off on 20mg Fluoxetine, but upped to 40mg after 6 weeks as I was still pretty frantic.

I started back at work last week as I really had to. They're reorganising again which means my job is under threat for the 5th time since 2007 and I have to be there. My managment have been really good over the last few weeks and have allowed a gradual return to work with me working a lot from home as so long as I have a good internet connection I can do a lot of my job from anywhere.

The thing is that I am back in the actual office on Monday and since mid last week I have been back to where I was before I was signed off which to be frank is a pretty dark place where all I can think of is getting in my car and driving off somewhere and not coming back. This is not a good thing.

Realistically I know I am not well enough to be working. I've not slept properly for two weeks, I am so on edge I can't bear the thought of going out and doing anything and I am feeling pretty close to the edge of reason, but I don't see what else I can do. I support my family financially, DH's salary wouldn't cover the mortgage let alone anything else, so I have to go back and start earning again, even though the thought is, frankly, making me suicidal.

I don't even know why I am writing this here as there's nothing much anyone can do, I just need to get on with it, but I just had to get it out somewhere how bloody awful I am feeling right now. My life is bloody hard work and a bit too much to cope with. Two small children, one with SN. A stressful management job that supports the whole family. Its too much and I just don't think I can do it any more. But I will. Monday will see me getting dressed in my suit and killer heels and going and managing a load of staff and picking up a load of projects that have been iced in my absense and all of the rest of the stuff that needs doing, but I am actually sceaming inside at the thought of it.

[fluffydressinggown]

Glad you are feeling better Keema!

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Hi all brief update as still an in patient but have grounds leave - hooray! They're still tweaking my meds but am hoping to be out in another week although I'm in no rush to leave now I'm here as it's so tranquil despite the other interesting nutters fluffy and nana - hope you're feelingbetter too xx

[fluffydressinggown]

Are you in a secure unit? Or on an initial 72 hour assessment? I have always been allowed my laptop, must be the trust I am in.

I have my laptop and a dongle in my room, I have to charge it downstairs in the office.

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

They're meant to be arranging it but it's taking time as I need an escort.

Im well jel of you having Internet where you are FDG, here it's no Internet and supervised phone use

[fluffydressinggown]

Keema - ask for leave to go to the bank, you should be entitled to this, particuarly if you are an informal patient, you might have to go with staff but you can get out then?

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

There really is a special place in hell reserved for the chirpiest OTs and their baking club.

What I need to do is get to a bank so I can sort out paying my bills, not bake sodding fairy cakes.

[NanaNina]

Ah FDG I have been wondering how you are, as you sounded like you were really struggling so relieved you are an IP too. Yes one of the main problems is boredom isn't it as the days seem so long. Is there a small garden for sitting out in - this made an enormous difference to me.

Hope you will be on the mend before too long, and at least you haven't had play ping pong or stick pictures onto paper!! Sending good wishes NNx

[fluffydressinggown]

Keema - just caught up with your thread, I am IP at the moment as well

I have resisted all activities and have an official proper reason why i cannot so they leave me alone, it is frustrating though.

I try to break the day into chunks, 2 hours computer, an hour reading, an hour reading a magazine. I can't write at the moment but when I could I used to read Take a Break and do the puzzles cover to cover and that helped.

I can't say it is easy being here, but you get into the rhythm of it and get used to it.

Lots of thoughts for you.

[NanaNina]

That is disgusting Brightspark - they had no right to treat you like that and I think you should have complained to the Ward Manager. Cannot believe the OTs were so stupid as to watch your DD cut her hair off - shocking.

Keema away visiting gr/chfrn till next Mon so hope things go well for you, and you didn't lose the ping pong ball!! NNx

[Brightspark1]

What is it with cutting and sticking? My DD was an inpatient for three months last year, she spent half her time wandering aimlessly around and the other half cutting pictures out of a magazine. When I complained about not doing stuff appropriate to her age I really got it in the neck from the staff. Also giving her scissors when she was having a particularly bad day seemed the limit of stupidity, especially as she sat there in full view of the OT and cut off all her hair.
Just because you're ill doesn't make you stupid.
My thoughts are with you x

[NanaNina]

Oh keema not ping bloody pong!! When I was in with my first episode the OT was rubbish and demeaning - I was asked if I wanted to do "some sticking" (cutting pictures out of magazines and sticking them on paper - good activity for a 3 yr old. The other option was "painting a jam jar" so I got very bolshy and told them I was not going to any more sessions (they had been on at me for ages and I had resisted) The OT the 2nd time was much better, relaxation, big crossword on wall for us all to get answers from the clues, gardening (well messing about with the bit of garden outside) if it was good weather.

You certainly have not lost your sense of humour, keep on keeping on.

Love NNx

[UnChartered]

is anyone able to PM me of OPs whereabouts, i'd like to send her a card but the only way of contact is via text/internet and if you're only on supervised access...

get well soon ya narnar x

[OracleInaCoracle]

TABU! Basic human rights,leave the bastard etc, etc.

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Day 4 in the big nutter house. OT today is meant to be "doing something meaningful to you".

Sadly mumsnetting and declaring people to be unreasonable is not on the list, so I'm left with ping pong

Bastards

[Brightspark1]

Sorry just realised I missed half the thread. I hope you have the support you need to start the recovery process. Nurse Ratchet? Sounds like a bit of humour is creeping in! x

[Brightspark1]

Just a point, you don't have to tell the receptionist why you are seeing the GP, it is none of her business and she is not qualified to prioritise appointments. Next time just tell her that you prefer to keep the nature of your appointment confidential. I hope things work out for you.

[NanaNina]

Oh Keema so glad you feel safer in hospital, and have not lost your sense of humour! Thing is these acute wards do have patients with a whole range of mental illnesses, and it can be worrying when patients are psychotic. Hope the staff are being kind to you, as sometimes they don't bother much with the patients.

Really grim day for me today, worst for a long time. Ah well, onwards and upwards. Take care ............love NNxx

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Have supervised phone use this is a text to DH about the kids

When friends come onto a thread doesn't that mean their sock puppets I suppose considering the posters the best I can hope for is that everyone thinks I'm Shiney under a new nn

Thanks NN hospital def the best place for me. Not so stressed n scared any more. Downside are my fellow "clients". Nurse ratchet sends her regards xx

[NanaNina]

I am so relieved that Keema has been admitted to hospital, as it was clear that she was really struggling and very poorly, though almost not believing it herself.

Please can anyone in contact send her good wishes from NN. Thanks

[OracleInaCoracle]

[OracleInaCoracle]

xpost LeBof

[OracleInaCoracle]

Hi, I've just spoken to Keema on FB and she wanted to let you know that she is ok, but has been admitted for a while, just until she is a bit more stable. She has no internet access though, but I (or someone else) will post updates as and when.