Feel sh*te about self is this normal or PND?

[bumbleweed]

Feel shite on so many levels and woke up feeling particularly full of doom and gloom today:

• body is a total mess after having baby - stretch marks, flabby tummy, numb area where rib-cage stretched when pg, skin on face grey and spotty, knees ache when standing up
• hardly any clothes fit because still an extra dress-size from before pg and cant stop eating crappy food because comfort-eating and cant do any exercise other than walking because have dd to look after
• v high-need dd, wants feeding every 2 hours, wont be put down for more than 5-10 mins without being entertained or carried, wont nap without half an hour of rocking or extra feeding
• no intimacy in relationship due to after-effects of having dd, dd sleeping in same room, tired all the time
• never get more than 2 hours sleep in a row, often cant get a shower on a morning Most of the other mums I meet seem to be always wearing full make-up / nice clothes, lost all their weight, full of the joys of motherhood Do I sound like a miserable s*d or does everyone go through this?

Trust me, you are not alone in this. When my DD was born, some days I didnt even get out of bed!

After DS (second) didnt have choice to stay in bed due to 4 yr old DD, but it took ages for me to lose weight (and am still not back to pre pg figure and he's 2 next month!)

Some days I didnt even brush my hair and seemed to wear jeans and fleece constantly.

It does get better, your DD won't wake up every 2 hours forever - it's just a matter of time.

Things that could help now:

• Could your DH get up with her in the night or are you feeding her?

• Can you put DD in a baby chair/car seat so she can see you while you grab a shower in the morning? You will feel so much better if you can!

• Do you have any friends with babies who you could go out walking with? If not, how about trying a parent & tot group? Might meet new friends there...

Chin up, you're doing really well, it just takes AGES to get back to normal, unless you have a team of helpers!

how old is your little one?
if very young could be what they lovingly call the baby blues? -speak to your midwife, she should be able to advize

if older it 'could' be PND, i have it and combined with PMT im a moster!
have a talk to your gp or health visitor, they can normally see it a mile off..just explain how you feel and she can guide you.

really hope you feel better soon

yes, i meant to say, get your dp/dh to do his share and accept/even suggest offers of help and babysitting..believe me if i could turn the clock back!

hi bumbleweed, I empathise with you on all the points you made.
I'm going through the same thing.
I think when the baby comes it can be all consuming and you ncan lose yourself for a while.
how old is your dd? mine is 8 months and it has got better from when she was newborn i.e I'm sleeping at least 7 hours at night which helps a lot, when your sleep deprived everything is a battle.

dd is quite clingy at the moment but i think she might be going through a phase. I did have a month or two when she wasn't crying for me every minute.

As for the weight issue can totally relate, I thought quite naively that it would just fall off in a month or two, but due to comfort eating and eating fast food etc (I mean you literally don't have time to plan your meals and eat healthy cooked meals when all your time is spent with baby) I'm bigger now than when I was full term!

Don't beat yourself up about it, lose weight when you're ready and have time to think about planning a healthy diet etc

I've only just started my diet now.

I can't say if you have pnd or not, it may be it might be worth seeing your doctor, I need to do the same probably.

I'm still not back to normal but it does get better, comparing yourself to other mums doesn't help at all.

Do one thing at a time, i.e if baby sleeping grab a bubble bath or quick shower depending on what you can get away with! or put make up on so you feel good about yourself.

I think a lot of new mums go through this, you are not alone.

She's 16 weeks now. First month I wept every day with the stress and tiredness, and HV was really supportive - she seemed to think sleep and exercise were key.
dh used to look after her at night so I cd get some sleep but now she doesnt fit in moses basket and in cot in our room. Also am bfing so wake up everytime she stirs whereas he sleeps thro the lot!
Bathroom not very big so no room for chair really.
Not weeping any more just feel really negative.
Thanks for the suggestions tho.
Babysitting I think I do need to accept some of those offers - dont mind leaving her with my folks or dh's mum, but dh's dad is of the 'let them cry it does them good' school (no way!).
Would you leave your dd/ds with friends with no kids so not experienced in looking after a baby?

thanks me23
sad to hear you feeling crappy too
but nice to know i'm not alone in it
dont you find the worst thing about the weight is not the weight itself but not fitting in your clothes or wanting to buy new ones in case you do lose it?

To be absolutely honest, I wouldn't leave a 16 week old baby with a childless friend (unless he/she was a nanny or something!)

I would be OK about them taking baby for a walk in the pram for an hour or so, but think that would be about my limit.

Please do take your Mum up on babysitting offers tho - she is probably desparate to get her mitts on the baby! If you are happy leaving her with Mum, it would be really good for you - even if you just have a bath and curl up on the sofa in front of TV for a doze!

(but I wouldn't leave with FIL - leave to cry, huh!)

This might make you smile - when I went into hospital to have first baby, I packed a pair of pre preg jeans to travel home in....

HA!

oh bumbleweed yes lol that's exactly it with the clothes!
so I'm stuck with a wardrobe of 'skinny' cloths that make me feel crap about myself.
but keep telling myself I'm going to lose the weight soon so not worth buying new clothes as can't affors to waste money/and if i buy 'fat' clothes it means I will never change and am accepting my 'fattness' that's what I tell myself anyway

so I'm basically wearing the same two outfits of bigger clothes that I've bought myself, and my skinny clothes are lying in wait!

As for the babysitting question I'm a nervous mum so I wouldn't leave dd with friends that were'nt experienced even though she would be alright I just couldn't stop worrying!
dd hasn't been babysat sice birth so haven't been out in all that time! aaagghh going cabin fever mad!

if you do have offers it would do you good to get out.

Re the clothes thing. You might think it's a waste of money to buy new clothes while you are intending to lose weight. I don't agree.

I think it will do you the power of good to have something nice to wear while you are losing weight - it will boost your self-esteem to feel like you're not wearing something old that you hate.

Go to a cheap shop like Matalan or Primark - spend a few quid on a few nice new tops, t-shirts and pair of jeans that fit nicely. It will work wonders - trust me!

Good luck with the weight loss but most of all be kind to yourself - you're vulnerable at the moment, you need sleep and your DH has got to pull his weight too. Think positive, talk to DH, accept some help and things just might start to improve.

LOL at the jeans MamaG!
I spent the last 6 weeks of pregnany wearing the same pair of faded babby mothercare jogging bottom style trousers because I refused to spend money on more pg clothes so late on. I was gutted when I had to keep wearing them for another 2 weeks after coming out of hosp!
Glad you said that about childless friends. My best friend has offered but darent let her.

Fat and skinny clothes, me23, I'm just the same, mind I have been for years as have yo-yo'd up and down depending how much cake I am eating in any given month!

bumbleweed, your situation sounds normal. Rubbish, but normal. I was more or less the same at 16 weeks with no babysitters and a chronically ill husband. (In fairness, having dh at home during the day is a massive plus point really, although could do without the illness).

Agreed that you probably shouldn't let your friend take the baby, other than for walks, but there are other things she could do to help out if she's willing - shopping, laundry, entertaining dd at your house whilst you have a shower or get on with a few jobs. As someone who has had very little practical support since ds was born (thank god for Mumsnet for impractical support!) I would grab any help you're offered with both hands!

those were baggy trousers not 'babby'!

Hi bumbleweed, it sounds like you have a demanding baby - "high need" is the right term, very Sears. From a mother of a high need baby to another, I can only say: be kind to yourself and give it time >. I felt invisible for at least 18 months, for the weight to drop off, sleep to improve and to feel almost normal again. I agree Kbear about buying some new and inexpensive clothes for your in-between stage. This will take the pressure off trying to lose weight quickly and lift your spirits in the meantime. Get all the help you can (but agree with MamaG about using childless friends). Your folks and dh's mum sound like good options. It does get better - I promise . Most of all, try not to compare yourself with other mums/babies, easier said than done. They have different babies, different circumstances, different parenting, different support. The ones with babies like yourself are most likely cooped up at home with messy hair and stained clothes they did not change out of for days. This too shall pass ...

I feel daft for posting such a negative 'woe is me' thread now - but I guess I needed the reassurance.
And I got some - thanks you guys.
Have asked mum to babysit so can go out with dh for a valentine meal next week.

Hi bumbleweed, I have a baby the same age! She is my second so it is MUCH easier because I know that this shitty part doesn't last forever.

I agree that you sound NORMAL. The FREAKS are the mothers in make-up wearing normal jeans.

I have thrown out MOST of my pre-baby clothes (mainly because they were pre-my-first baby ) and I have replaced everything with new stuff from the sales. I agree with KBear that buying some nice outfits AND ACTUALLY WEARING THEM makes a big difference. Even if baby is sick on them mid-morning, at least I'm making an effort. And baby will be sick on crap clothes too, so I may as well wear something decent. My body is a mess - I try not to think about it, it took about 18 months with my first to get back into a normal-ish shape.

I don't know how anyone with a 4 month old has the opportunity or energy for sex, but again, it doesn't last forever and things may take a long time but you will get some time back again in a few months.

And MY knees are aching TERRIBLY too - I feel like I'm about 90! It's awful. I think I need a hip replacement too! Especially when I get out of bed, I'm moaning like an old woman.

So, try not to worry too much, just take each shitty day as it comes and try to enjoy the nice bits - smiles and giggles etc.

Bumbleweed, that's just how I felt. Ds was (and still is) very unkeen on sleeping and he used to need feeding every 2 hrs (bf) during the day and 2-3 feeds at night.

He's 15mo now and it's only in the last couple of months that I've been able to fit into anything pre-pg . I really didn't want to spend money on clothes that would only fit for a few weeks, but had nothing else to wear so I bought a couple of cheap skirts and vests from Tesco for the summer and am currently wearing a pair of £8 (yes!) Tesco jeans which are surprisingly nice.

It is really horrible to feel so decrepit (sp?) and crap, but it will end soon, promise .

Going out for a good walk with the pushchair in the fresh air can make you feel so much better (mentally as well as physically), and will keep your little one occupied and maybe even asleep for a while. And can you catch up on sleep while your dh or the grandparents are around to look after your baby? I wouldn't have left ds with childless people at that age either.

I think me and dp had "intimacy" about twice in the first six months. It felt like sandpaper. Much better now though!

I feel the same way bumbleweed. I have a 15 week old dd. I don't seem to be able to get through the ironing or the housework so the house is in a state, which always upsets me. I can't cook a decent meal unless I am prepared to do it while dd screams the place down. Dh is constantly nagging for love and attention not to mention ds and dd. I would really like four good hours of sleep in a row so I am constantly comfort eating just to keep sane which makes me/keeps me fat so I get miserable.

I just keep telling myself that it will only be like this for a short time. dd really is lovely so it will be worth it in the end.

How anyone is supposed to maintain their self esteem while covered in baby sick in horrid fat clothes and surviving on no sleep is beyond me.

I dont know how you people with more than one manage (Carolina, morningpaper, blueshoes ..)!? I can barely look after self and dd never mind another child. At what point does it get easier?
trice, your dh should know better than to nag for love and attention when you have a dd and a ds and you dont have energy for yourself and are feeling low. you sound as fed up as me. do you have baby-sitting options like everyone is suggestion - so you can have a break? if you dress up in nice clothes and go out, no chance of getting sick on them!
Another thing - does anyone else ever feel like this - if I put her down on the play mat for too long while I do something I feel guilty not giving enough attention, if I pick her up and hold her too much worry not giving her enough independent play-time, if I go out too much worry she is in the car-seat too often, if I dont go out I worry she is not getting enough variety/stimulation. Basically I have no confidence in what I am doing with dd - its doesnt come instictually to me.
Having said that I do love interacting with her, dont get me wrong, we have lovely face-to-face time talking, cooing, tickling, and I love her smiles and laughs and she is developing fine - its just the constant low-level anxiety that I should be doing it better.
Does that make any sense at all?

I've only got the one! He's 15mo now, I am just remembering back to when he was your dd's age. Am not at all sure how it works with more than one .

I think it's natural to feel anxious about how you're doing and it proves how much you care iyswim. Please try and give yourself a break though - you can't do full-on "quality time" all day and babies don't need it.

sorry CM I can see that you only mention one ds!
Bet you feel nice fitting in all your nice pre-pg clobber

Ah Trice, the problem I find with EATING is that some days, it's the only thing I seem to do for MYSELF!

bumbleweed, don't feel bad for posting woe is you. It helps immeasurably to know that others are out there feeling the same. Everything you describe, the guilt, the lack of confidence, that's exactly how I feel (although it gets better over time).

I've taken to lying ds down in the bathroom whilst I have a shower, surrounded by pillows and other devices to prevent him from getting away. It makes me feel so much more human if I can get my shower done in the morning. (Alas ds is just about to learn to crawl so will have to dream up alternative scheme then).

Hi tribpot, how old is your ds? I feel really sh*te when I havent had a shower and have merely scraped my greasy hair back into a limp pony tail - who wouldnt? I try to use the tiny window of opportunity of her short morning nap, so it floors me on the days when she cries instead of sleeps(ie today!).
I'm still in shock about how much damage pregnancy and birth does the body and the emotions.