Feel sh*te about self is this normal or PND?

[bumbleweed]

Feel shite on so many levels and woke up feeling particularly full of doom and gloom today:

• body is a total mess after having baby - stretch marks, flabby tummy, numb area where rib-cage stretched when pg, skin on face grey and spotty, knees ache when standing up
• hardly any clothes fit because still an extra dress-size from before pg and cant stop eating crappy food because comfort-eating and cant do any exercise other than walking because have dd to look after
• v high-need dd, wants feeding every 2 hours, wont be put down for more than 5-10 mins without being entertained or carried, wont nap without half an hour of rocking or extra feeding
• no intimacy in relationship due to after-effects of having dd, dd sleeping in same room, tired all the time
• never get more than 2 hours sleep in a row, often cant get a shower on a morning Most of the other mums I meet seem to be always wearing full make-up / nice clothes, lost all their weight, full of the joys of motherhood Do I sound like a miserable s*d or does everyone go through this?

Bumble, mine is 7 1/2 months but I am back at work now so have that added complication - although actually work has been a real blessing for me in many ways. Often I use ds' morning nap for the shower but also have days when he won't have one, and always have the competing chores of laundry, washing up (ahem, dishwasher), cleaning, actual work to do, sorting out our flat which is on the rental market, dh's illness requires a lot of my time in sorting out prescriptions, hospital visits, etc - the list is endless!

Tribpot, it's ok when they're crawling - you can just leave them on the floor with some bath toys and they can amuse themselves .

Do you not have to worry about them getting into cupboards (or the bleach) CM? (Move the bleach probably a good idea). Ds is a reasonably good sitter but I wouldn't leave him on a tiled surface, I normally cover the floor in towels to provide something a bit softer - god, and all this time my dh is asleep in the next room!

depends on your bathroom - our cupboards have the kind of (toughened) glass doors you have to push on to open and ds can't work them even now. He hasn't noticed the bleach yet - it's kind of tucked behind the toilet, in the corner. You are right to think about childproofing of course, but you'll be in the room with him.

Once they are able to crawl, they're also good at saving themselves from a fall - they don't just crash backwards onto their heads, they kind of curl up to keep their head off the floor - so the tiles aren't such a worry then.

at your dh

I am lucky in that I have a reciprocal agreement with my SIL and I go out with dh for at least a couple of hours every other friday. I always feel better for a whinge though.

Sorry CM was just having an off day thinking about the hoops I have to jump through just to get a shower, when all the time ds' other parent is sleeping.

on your behalf tribpot

bl**dy men.

hi. had my third baby two weeks ago and am at the crying every day stage. really feel floored by it but I DO have the knowledge that I have been here before and come out the other side. I have got progressively fatter and am in a rotation of baggy black trousers. so I think I shall heed the advice to buy something nice to wear now. my biggest woe is that I feel I have 'lost' my eldest son. I was looking at his baby photos yesterday and he was all mine. he was my world and I was his and it seemed to last forever and was so sweet. now he's nearly five and only wants dh to do various football type things with him. he's not interested in me at all and I'm finding it so hard to cope with. trouble is, dh is being fantastic at giving him the attention and physical activity that i just can't at the moment so i feel like a jealous witch. any one else experienced this, esp with boys? luckily my two year old is still something of a mummy's girl.
tired and emotional!

Poor dh, the least deserving of the really - he's chronically ill and currently in a very bad way. But sometimes, particularly when sleep is in short supply sympathy gets a bit thin as well.

tribpot, sounds tought with ds and poorly dh. does he feel he is missing out on ds thro being ill?
I feel envious of dh for having work. not that I want to go back to work yet. But at least he gets a lunch hour!
had row with dh in middle of night - was so hideously tired yesterday and dd woke up 4 times in night wanting feed. dh goes 'stop saying oh no everytime she wakes you are making it terrible thro negative reinforcement'.
Was upset and said 'its the lack of sleep thats terrible whether I express negative feelings or not - you should try it'. He stormed off and slept on sofa (oh I did call him a mean b*, so he was understandably annoyed).

Bumble, poor you. My dh and I never argue but we have had some sharp words in the night before now. I seem to wake up a complete psycho in the night, what fun! Anyway, I can't see how saying "oh no" will make the slightest bit of difference to your dd. And I do think your dh should give it a try (liked his response: go and sleep on sofa, nice and thoughtful). Have you tried expressing so that someone else can do the odd night feed for you?

He absolutely needs to be more supportive of you at the weekends, don't take any crap about "oh I am so tired from working". Let me assure you, working is a walk in the park compared with looking after a baby. Work is the only thing keeping me sane just now, but my ds is only waking once in the night so am a lot better off than you.

Dear Bumbleweed, just to say I felt exactly the same as you when DS1 was 16 weeks. Having a baby is a real shock to the system and totally sympathise with your feelings of "inadequacy". But do believe me you are not inadequate and it does take a long time to adjust to being a mum (I now have 2 - a DS & a DD)

My top tips for getting through it are:

• go for lots of walks - good excercise, baby often sleeps or gets a chance to see somthing new, less chance of getting sick on yourself if baby in pram. If you are lucky and baby sleeping you can go to cafe/ museum/ do window shopping/ read book/ magazine.
• join a mother & baby group - daunting at first as other mums may appear better dressed/ more competant etc but I'm sure that you'll find there are others feeling your way and it helps to have some other people to swap stories with.
• do baby massage, baby swimming, baby singing - a good way to meet other mums and something to do with your babe if you don't fancy talking to the other mums.

Don't know where you live but if you have Sure Start in your area they organise quite a lot of things like this - you could ask your HV. Also you could contact your local NCT branch who might be able to suggest some local activities.

I know that these things are what everyone says but they do help. I can't say exactly when things got better with my babes but they do - hang on in there - spring is just around the corner!

Also re your DH - I used to envy the fact that DH went to work because he could spend 2 hours standing on crowded tube train READING A BOOK!!!!!

Another thought - read "A Life's Work" by Rachel Cusk - full of the horrors of looking after young baby but very funny.

On the excercise front, how much does dd weigh?
imagine doing a workout with those kinds of weights
dancing to my favorite songs with dd is so much fun for both of us and very good excercise

Thanks candide for your warm words! I am glad I am not the only one to find it so difficult.
am trying to get out for as many walks as poss - I live in deepest darkest suburbia and there aren't many nice places to walk to - but have started to walk to friends houses, library etc.
I already joined quite a few mum&baby activites -pop tots, baby massage, bf support group (and might start baby gym next week.
It makes me feel better when I am there because out of house socialising and meeting nice people, but I still feel same about own self-image / confidence.
On the up-side I've just bought a hug-a-bub sling and walking with dd in it is really nice - pulls a bit on back but like you say, carlk, must be burning some calories!