It wasn't supposed to be like this

[Rhksmum]

It was all clear in my head what I had to do, but it all went wrong.
The kids were going on holiday with their dad at the start of the week and I had to just get to today when I could pick up my weekly medication and along with the pain medication the Gp gave me last week I wouldnt be here when they came back.
But their flight got cancelled and they came home the next day so I couldnt do it
Why for once cant something go right for me?
Now I feel like I'm in limbo, I should't be here but I am and I dont know how to be or what to do.

I hate myself soo much, am angry at the kids for being here just now, angry at French air traffic control for being on strike and Ryanair for cancelling the flights, just about everyone.

Why isn't it simple?
Why do I always get it wrong?
It all hurts so much but I cant stop it or make it go away :(

You're not getting it wrong
But you are meant to be here
You know I'd rather you didn't kill yourself
Your kids need you whatever you think
I'm here if you want to chat x

Life is never simple, don't blame the kids - it might not seem like it but they need you. I know it hurts, it's awful. We'll listen if you want to chat.

Keep talking - you know this was fate, it is not your time - your children need you and thank god for ryanair (never thought id say that!!). You need to talk to someone, 08457 90 90 90 the samaritans. please, your children need you, whatever is wrong, it can be fixed. it really can

It feels so wrong to still be here, I know I have to stay for my kids but I hate it.
I'm trying so hard not to blame them, I know when the logic part of my head gets to think, its not their fault, but I cant make sense of anything anymore.
I'm so tired, I cant sleep and if I do manage some I wake up choking and struggling to breath.
I dont know how to make this right anymore, how to fix it so I dont feel or remember anything anymore.

You can't fix it so that you don't feel or remember anything anymore. Too much happened and it was too real. But you can process it so that it is in the past attacking you all the time. I've done it, I believe you can too.

Im so sorry - but would you mind saying why you feel this way? Don't worry if you dont want to. Are you under the doctor at all? Could you see your way to tlking to your GP?

Everything is triggering me, I cant cope with it, it all feels so stupid.
Saw GP a few weeks ago she said I was looking good so I must be feeling ok, I just nodded, no point trying to explain whats going round in my head, cant work it out myself.
Pyschiatrist seems to have just forgot about me, cpn and psychologist are both on holiday, just wanted to not be here when they came back, save wasting their time.

I keep getting flickers of images and I know a horrible memory is on its way and I dont want it, dont want any of it, but I'm stuck with it, because it was me that did all the other things, so I'm guessing it will be me that's done them again :(

It wasn't you who did it - it was them, always them, and even if it was your hands, they made you. I have no words for them.

You must stop blaming yourself for what is not your fault. They chose to do it.

The feeling that a memory is on the way is the worst in the world . Am here for you xx

Sending you a hug because i dont know what else to do :( Please tell your GP you are NOT OK. Fight this, do it for your children, do it for you xxxx

I think you need to ask someone to take you to A&E now Rhk. You need some help to get you over this sweetheart. You are experiencing something akin to an emotional emergency. Treat it like a heart attack if you will. Do you have anyone who can take you? Explain to the staff there what you have explained to us.

My oldest is away camping and youngestt has now gone on holiday so I'm left with my daughter, I just want to walk out the front door and never come back.
There is a mum missing near me, she has 3 kids too and I know I sound like such a bitch but I wish it was me.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore, my friends took me to a concert last night to try cheer me up, but all I could think about was the river outside, how in just a few steps it would be over.

My daughters new hospital appointment has now come through after the other hospital messed it all up and I'm panicking, I don't know the hospital, don't know how I can be in 2 places at once, don't know how I will be able to watch the have to touch her, feel sick and so pathetic, but I'm scared, there's too much going on, too much I have to work through, too many appointments I can't work out what or how to do it all.

I'm sorry it's so hard for you, and understand that not being here seems the only way out. But I think you know that you can't do that to the kids, and you can get through this. I'm glad your DD is there with you this week. Is there someone who could take you both to her appointment and support you whilst you're there? I will be around on fb this evening if you'd like to chat x

If you are feeling this suicidal you need some urgent support, perhaps even in patirnt stay. You are telling us you have a plan and intend to commit suicide when you have a chance away from kids. This is really serious.

RHKS you really need to go into hospital now. I know the reasons why you always say you can't, but if your only alternative is continuously looking for opportunities to kill yourself and then not quite managing to do it well it's bloody time don't you think?

My sons back from camping now and myy daughter is here, I have chocolate teapot due to see me this week so everything will be fine.

There isn't anyone I can ask to go to my daughters hospital appointment because of the time, they are either at work or have to get their kids to school.
Am hoping to try and do a trial run this week while kids are off school to see how long it will take me on the train and then walking.

Being in hospital won't take away why I don't want to be here sand it won't make me any safer.
I don't even know what the point is anymore.
I'm tired of remembering and not underdstanding, I want answers but I'm never going to get them.
I'm sick of always being the one that has to make sure everyone else is ok or the one that gets the blame when things go wrong, I just want to be normal.

I am actually very concerned for this posters saftey. I know FEELING suicidal and being actively suicidal are different. But this poster has stated a plan and has stated she is waiting for the righ topportunity to carry it out. The gravely concerns me. And I work as a counsellor often with suicidal people.

Giraffes its ok, please don't worry, I'm gonna phone Cmht on tuesday and see what's happened to my appointment with the psychiatrist. It will all be fine.

appointment being sent out, told cpn what i had planned for last week, not sure she thought I was serious.
Shes now reducing my visits to every 3-4 weeks because she is going on a course for 6 months so is reducing her visits, I've not to worry though all her clients are in the same boat.
So lesson there is dont upset myself by telling her what I had planned becuase it doesn't make any difference

that's just not good enough- if she can't visit you as often then she needs to ask a colleague to share the visits. I can't believe she isn't taking it seriously, as you had made a definate plan.
How are you feeling now? Make sure you tell the truth when you get your appointment with the psychiatrist.

She says I could have another cpn for the 6 months shes on the course, but she didnt think I could cope with that and a new psychiatrist, so this is how it is to be until her course is finished.
Not sure when appointment with psychitrist will come through, just have to play the waiting game

I am new to this whole game but it sounds to me that you should be in hospital receiving treatment. I hope you get help soon x

If she says you could have another cpn please tell her you do want another cpn. She's never helped you much, you,ve been unhappy with her for a long time and you know she's been the same with others and this is your chance to try out if you would work better with someone else.

my blood pressure is still up and I fell apart in the doctors this morning, am soo ashamed, not sure what the nurse thought but I think I made her run late for the rest of her appointments. I have to go back this afternoon and see the Dr because she is very worried about me which I didn't want to happen.
My daughter has a hospital appointment this afternoon so i have to take her to that and then see if she will go home so I can go to the Drs.

I feel like I have just opened a can of worms that I cant get closed, I was so together when I went into see the nurse and then she asked me nicely how things were and looked so caring and concerned and I fell apart, I fell apart and now I need to put all the pieces back together by this afternoon so everyone thinks I'm ok :(

You know what I'm going to say don't you. Stop friggin pretending. I'm glad she saw you fall apart and I hope the dr. gets to see how bad things are. Whichever way you look at it this can't go on. Let the worms out of the can, it's better in the long run. You know where I am xx

Dr was really nice, said nurse was really concerned about me :(
She said she trusted me to keep myself safe tonight but was contacting IHTT and cpn tomorrow and would phone me with a plan of action.
She said she was very glad that I had been honest with her, said if I feel I cant cope tonight I've to phone NHS24 and they will put me in touch with a cpn.
I dont think I've ever cried soo much as I did in that 30minutes, but she just listened, said all the right things and didn't get mad at me which is what I expected.
I have my pyschologist tomorrow who I haven't seen in 3 weeks and I'm dreading it, she will know by now what I had planned and I'm worried about what she will say.