Can't stop crying today, just so fed up

[fedupwithfeelinglow]

I am a regular poster but have changed my name as I know some mumsnetters in rl and don't really want them knowing.

I've thought long and hard about whether or not to post and finally decided I just want to get it all off my chest so here goes......

I've suffered from depression a few times and am worried about it happening again. I've hated this year so far and today, I've just had enough I know loads of people who are dealing with problems at the moment and I feel bad for feeling low when others have more problems but I just can't help the way I feel.

I've spent most of this afternoon crying so far - trying to hide it from ds! I get really sad at least once a day now and am worried because this is how I start before I end up really depressed and I just can't handle going through all that again.

How do I stop myself getting that bad again?? Trying to think positive but it's not working at the moment.

Well I guess the first thing is that you recognise how often you feel like you do.

Have you spoken to anyone about this before like your gp?

Not spoken to GP because it's been sort of creeping up on me this time and it's only today I started to worry about it being more than just feeling a bit low.

fedup,sorry to hear you are down,,. Does your dh/dp know ? if so how are they with you ? Could you have pnd ?

I suffer with pnd and dh is brilliant,he knows when i have bad days and does his best to lift my spirits. Usually by helping more than he does with dd and by heaping praise onto me. I am lucky to have such an understanding dh...

Have you condidered st john's wort and if no success speaking to your gp ?

thinking of you x

thats how i found out about my pnd..it became one day a week I was low..then it turned into 2 days in a row..finally at 3 I knew things were not right.

You need to see your gp 1st thing on monday. Can you tell what is getting you down or is it nothing in particular..you just feel low..?

He knows I'm down, he is too but I don't think he realises how fed up I am. He's also suffered from depression so I'm worried about the effect on him as it's our circumstances (lot to do with him) which has got me like this.

I really want to feel better without the GP as I don't want them to give me anti-depressants again. I think dh has St John's Wort from a while back - will check it's in date if you think it's worth a try?

It won't be PND, I had that for about 7 months without realising and found out when ds was nearly 1 (he's now nearly 3).

Agree with shhh.

Get yourself to the Gp's on monday and have a good chat.

Is there anyhting particular that sparks it off or is there a certain time of day when it's worse?

This time of year is really hard. Try keeping a diary of how you are feeling - I used to draw little faces on the calendar - a smiley for a good day, a face with a straight line mouth for a 'nothing' day, a sad face for a bad day, and a sad face with tears for a low as you can get day. When there are lots of sad faces and no happy ones I think it's time to get help.

It's all very well saying that others are worse off than you - it doesn't work like that. You cannot help feeling so low, and you can't 'pull yourself together'. Just try and get through the day, and try and get some sleep tonight.

I have had two bouts of PND - and I get periodic bouts of feeling very low sometimes where I worry that the depression is coming back. January was a bad month for me, I had a lot of very weepy days, and felt utterly miserable - and then it just 'lifted', I don't know why - it just did. I'm feeling better now. I hope it lifts for you too but if it doesn't, see your GP - there's no shame in admitting you need help.

Be kind to yourself.

Hmmm, rather than Depression it sounds a bit more like anxiety.
You fear that your going to become like you did before and seeing your dh like it will bring it all back.

I went through a similar thing when my mum was depressed. Brought back memories of how bad I felt when I had dd and I crapped myself thinking I would get like that again.

I've heard some good things about St Johns Wort.

It's loads of stuff:

Been skint for ages
Dh lost his job at Christmas
He's over 40 and is having big trouble finding even temp work
We're in debt and are trying really hard but doesn't help living off £600ish a month
Want another baby but can't see that happening as our house is too small and looks like we'll be stuck here forever (hate the neighbours)
Feel I can't breathe in this house sometimes
I'm shattered as always seem to be working (2 businesses from home)
Dh IS trying to get a job BUT he dismisses bar work, retail like B & Q etc. (can't blame him at his age, I'd hate it too but still, we need the money!)
Ds is challenging!
In the 9½ years we've been together, we've had one proper holiday and that was our honeymoon.

That's the main stuff, just fed up with it all.

After reading that I feel like a right moany cow!

Just wish I could sleep, sleep, sleep!!

I took St.John's Wort when I was very low after a miscarriage (I didn't want to go on anti-d's again because I didn't want to be on them when I felt ready to start ttc again). They take quite a long time to kick in (several weeks) but they do work. In Germany, St.JW is more often prescribed for mild depression than conventional anti-d's. I was on them for about 6 months when I felt ready to stop taking them which I did with no problems. So yes, maybe worth a try.

St John's Wort can interfere with the contraceptive pill though - be warned!

You have got a lot on your plate - you don't sound like a moany cow at all.

i know where you are coming from as i was the same with dh. I didn't want him to know as I didn't want to heap my depression onto him but I couldn't hid it anylonger and it was him who picked up on it. He was concerned and couldn't believe i was trying to keep it from him.
I would suggest speaking to your dh about it as sometimes when things get on top of me sharing it with dh really relieves me. Somehow a massive issue become a little dot of an issue.

Before i had dd i did have a down time due to previous mc and st johns wort worked at the time. I tried it again 2 months ago for pnd and got nowhere with it..Its worth a try though.

Are you able to say on mn what is causing the depression or not..? Can it be solved easily..?

Thats alot to deal with, your bound to feel down.

Obviously I don't know your situation properly but would speaking to someone at your local CAB help at all or maybe the local Job Centre?

SorenLorensen - good idea, I'll keep a diary. At the moment I feel like I'm just plodding through life. I'll try and get some nice happy faces in my diary Will give st john's wort a go then (although I didn't know it interferred with the pill )?? I will try it though as I don't want to go back on anti-depressants! I didn't take anything after my m/c purely because I didn't want pills from the Dr's. Will try this other stuff though.

Don't know why I'm feeling quite so bad today??? Doesn't help that the sun isn't shining I must admit, I'm always better in Spring/Summer - I hate winter!!!

Thanks for your advice girls, nice to let off steam once in a while (when I do with dh it ends up me being really wound up after bottling things up and then I go off on one!)

This time of year is pants.

Roll on Summer

my post was a late response as I got sidetracked! Sorry. I agree with the diary. I have writing one for dd since birth and I do note init how I feel. I agree its a good place to list your feelings.

I think you need to chat to dh on a friendly sense as maybe he is not fully aware of how much pressure you feel. It helps with my dh & I.

If you struggle to sleep I find writing down things before I go to bed helps..ie things I need to do the next day ot things I need to deal with. Helps me as hopefully I have a free mind. PS you are NOT a moany cow at allll!

Been to CAB and Jobcentre after seeking advice on here earlier in New Year. CAB were useless, just said go to jobcentre which dh did. He went ages ago and we've still had no money as they've messed up his claim

Doesn't help that he lost his car with his job and we need 2 cars where we live (I need a car for one of my jobs and IF dh got a job, he'd be very lucky to get public transport that got him there in time!).

He's trying to take the old employers to court but at the moment we are pretty screwed. Didn't help that just before xmas we were told our overdraft was being halved and we had to pay £800 by January - was going to be a struggle as it was without dh loosing his job with a weeks notice! AND, we'd just paid out £600 to fix our car so that didn't help.

Anyway, nice to get this off my chest - thanks!

Must go as SIL has just arrived (come to stay) so best go and put on a brave face

apparently jan is a bad time for everyone as it's such a come down from christmas and people have christmas debt,it's winter etc. I must admit I felt like shit after christmas and I was on medication !!!

Remember things will get better. Thinks of things at the worse now and I promise it will improve. You need to start by talking to dh and then your gp. Maybe counselling may help to try and allow you to make sense of your life..? Depends on how you feel about discussing it with someone face to face. After the mc I found it helped for me as I didn't want to burden it with dh and he could only help me so far.

{{{{hugs}}}}

hi there, sorry to hear youre feeling so crap, and that circumstances dont help.
have spent quite a bit of my life in the depths of depression too (not recently, thank goodness) and if theres one thing ive learned, its that trying to hide it does not work.
you need to talk about it, to someone, anyone, and almost definately to the relevent people, i.e your dp. the more you try to contain it in your head, the bigger and more depressing it all seems. and it almost never causes the great big disaster you think it will by talking about it... talking to dp neednt cause him to fall apart like you fear it will - try keeping it light and stressing that you dont blame him or anyone else, you just feel shit and could do with some TLC till you feel a bit stronger.
if you think it would help to talk to someone else first, to get your head around things before you talk to dp, then find someone, anyone to do that with. you are not alone - you have all of MN to talk to for a start!
and cut yourself some slack - you are not a moany cow, and even if you were, kicking yourself when youre down is not going to help you get 'up'. so like soren says, be kind to yourself. when it comes to looking after your mental health you are always the best person for the job, and always accept as much help as you can get. lifes too short to feel like this when you dont need to.

sorry for waffling at you, i hope some of it helps,

dont know if it will hep you, but the one thing that reached me when i was down was said by my dad. he said one day that it wasnt me, meaning it wasnt my personality that was a depressive thing, it was something i was suffering from. dont know if that makes sense, but id assumed for so long that 'depressed' was who i was, that i had forgotten that i had a personality separate from that. it took a long time for that to sink in but was eventually, in hindsight i see, the turning point for me.
so,remember that this isnt part of you, or who you are, its just something thats there for the moment, something you can get help with and eventually beat. hell, if you decide to and really put your mind to it, you can beat it today! or tomorrow. or whenever you are ready. just be kind to yourself and it will come.

Sorry I didn't reply yesterday but we have a small lounge and my dh and SIL were behind me (she'd just arrived) and I was worried they may see!

Thanks Shhhhh - I have talked to dh loads about how I feel but it's normally a stressed discussion because somethings wound me up. I've even told him I sometimes wonder if I'd be better off going it alone as I quite often feel I am anyway but I resent him being here not being so helpful. I will really try to pick the right time and discuss it calmly - somehow I don't think it's going to help that much

Yes, I can really believe that this time of year is one of the worst!

Don't think I will go for councelling at this stage. Did that before when I was really messed up with much worse problems (well, not as financially messed up) - it helped a little bit but I think I need to just turn my life around somehow!

Thanks Notacow, you're right!

I don't think it's helped that I'm just coming up for 30 and although I have no problems with the 'age' as such, it's things like wanting another baby etc. and seeing this never happening that really gets to me. I feel like all I do is work (and mumsnet of course ) and what am I achieving??? I've just decided I AM achieving as although it seems that we're getting nowhere financially, I am stopping us loosing the house and that's a start!

Trying to be more positive! Thanks for yesterday!

Ooops, my mate was round for a brief moment earlier and asked to go on here - she stayed logged in - I didn't realise!

hence the different name

bh

???