What will happen?

[fluffydressinggown]

I am sorry for so many posts from me.

I am finding everything really hard. I have not taken my medication for a few days because I don't see the point. I have plans for an OD on Monday but it won'tkill me. My self harm is deep but manageable if I go to A&E for stitches. I know how I will kill myself but I don't know when.

I see the home intervention team and someone is coming round tomorrow to do a care plan with me. I have a feeling they will say that because I am self harming and not taking the meds they prescribed they will discharge me because I am not making an effort to get better. I just don't want to try any more. I do like the support the team provide and I think having someone to speak to a few times a week is helping but they will say it isn't because I am continuing to plan to self harm and to self harm. I think they will say I am too dependent and attention seeking and maybe I am and I shouldn't get support because I just need to be braver and make positive choices. I just don't want to make positive choices.

I know that they can't do anything because I am not psychotic. Sometimes I wish someone would stop me but other times I wish everyone would go away. My husband and friends think I need to be in hospital but I think they think I am worse than I am because I am so dramatic.

I am just sick of being told that I am a nice girl and that I have such a nice husband and friends. I just don't give a shit.

I see the home intervention team at the moment. I have been referred to the CMHT.

That's good. Hope they are helpful. I think and hope there will be services out there that can help you. It takes time but people do get through and get better.

It is the time inbetween that is hard iykwim. The waiting for the referal, the waiting to see the psychologist/psychotherapist. I am struggling with that.

That is hard. Do you have a good relationship with your GP? They can be quite good at pushing CMHTs to see people quickly. The CMHT should be able to put interim support in place (such as regular contact with a CPN or social worker) if there is a longish waiting list for therapy.

The referral is urgent and I will be assigned a key worker in the mean time while I wait. It is the unbareableness inbetween I cannot manage (hence the home team involvement at the moment).

I wanted to update this, I have not overdosed today and I feel really proud of myself. I have cut my leg and my husband is going to take me to A&E when he gets home from work. I know self harm is not ideal but I think cutting is safer for me at the moment.

I had a visit this morning which really helped and I am feeling calmer and more listened to and I finally have a care plan which reflects my feelings and worries.

Trying not to think too much about the things that upset me to try and stay safe and tomorrow is another day I guess?