What will happen?

[fluffydressinggown]

I am sorry for so many posts from me.

I am finding everything really hard. I have not taken my medication for a few days because I don't see the point. I have plans for an OD on Monday but it won'tkill me. My self harm is deep but manageable if I go to A&E for stitches. I know how I will kill myself but I don't know when.

I see the home intervention team and someone is coming round tomorrow to do a care plan with me. I have a feeling they will say that because I am self harming and not taking the meds they prescribed they will discharge me because I am not making an effort to get better. I just don't want to try any more. I do like the support the team provide and I think having someone to speak to a few times a week is helping but they will say it isn't because I am continuing to plan to self harm and to self harm. I think they will say I am too dependent and attention seeking and maybe I am and I shouldn't get support because I just need to be braver and make positive choices. I just don't want to make positive choices.

I know that they can't do anything because I am not psychotic. Sometimes I wish someone would stop me but other times I wish everyone would go away. My husband and friends think I need to be in hospital but I think they think I am worse than I am because I am so dramatic.

I am just sick of being told that I am a nice girl and that I have such a nice husband and friends. I just don't give a shit.

See even reading this back I am so fucking dramatic. I am sitting in my clean and tidy house with my husband asleep upstairs. Nothing is wrong with me. I want to self harm but I haven't because I think Monday is better but if I can put it off then there is nothing wrong with me.

sorry you're feeling like this. It must be awful for you.
please tell somebody in RL what you are planning to do
have you spoken to the samaritans 08457 90 90 90

Your unwillingness to care for yourself is a further sign of mental illness and the team should not discharge you for this reason. If you are so ill that you cannot see the point of taking the tablets that will make you feel better maybe you should be in hospital.

Nothing. Nothing ever happens.

Tell them how you feel -

I have, my husband has. I have told them again and again and I think they just are not interested. I am having visits every other day.

My husband, my 6ft2 strong husband who manages projects and people at work sat and cried in front of her today about this.

Did you mean tomorrow=Monday or Sunday for the meeting?

Someone came today and someone is coming tomorrow.

Can you ask to be admitted ?

They won't admit me. I don't think I want to be though. I don't think I know what I want.

I am so sorry you are still struggling so much fluffy. I know what it's like to be stuck in your own personal hell, with no hope of ever getting out. But you will get out. You will get better. It's going to be bumpy for a bit, but it won't go on forever. Please please hold on. There is no way they will discharge you for "not making an effort". Honestly. You are really ill right now. They can see this, they can see you need the support.

You don't need to be psychotic to be admitted. I wasn't psychotic and I got admitted. If that is what needs to happen to keep you safe, that is what will happen. They don't like doing it, because psychiatric wards are TBH not nice places to be. But they will if it comes to it. The most important thing is that you stay safe. Please can you ask your DH to hide all the knives, or lock them away or something. Tell the team what you plan to do. They have a responsiblity towards you and they need to know what is going on in your head.

He can hide all of the knives in the world but I will take and do what I want. The crisis team know that, she said that she could search the house and take things but it wouldn't work, and she is right.

They know where I cut and how I cut, they know what I want to take and how much. They can't and won't stop me and I feel conflicted about whether I want them to.

She wasn't interested in my not taking the meds.

It seems to me you are a danger to yourself, and need admission. Do you want to be admitted?

I talked about this, I talked about at what point do you become too much of a danger (because of course all self harm is a danger and you are not admitted for self harm!) and she was pretty vague tbh. I certainly can't kill myself by cutting and overdosing, it will make me unwell and it makes my life more difficult but that is what I want. She said they are not there to stop me, just to support me.

You certainly can kill yourself by cutting and overdosing.

Can you call them now?

What do you want to happen?

I can ring them but they won't do anything.

I don't know what I want to happen. I feel so torn.

Part of me wants someone to stop me and save me, part of me wants everyone to go away and leave me alone. If they told me they would admit me I would kick off big style and not want to go.

So confused :( I think I am just frustrated. When is it enough? When is what I do enough?

Everything I said I wouldn't do I have done. When I started self harming at 19 I said I would never need any medical attention, then it went to never needing stitches, then it went to never needing plastics attention or internal stitches and now that is not good enough. I was never going to overdose again after the first time, only since I was 19 I have taken 10. So where is the fucking limit? What is wrong with me?

please don't OD fluffy. Cut if you absolutely must (ex self harmer so i do understand - i think) but no OD please please please, you only need your metabolism to be off kilter and thats it, lights out. No more cries for help. Talk to someone, talk to your lovely DH, just talk and talk and talk - don't let him leave you on your own. I feel horrified to think that you feel so bad. I wish i could help

Why do you want your life to be more difficult, what are you punishing yourself for?

I'm appalled at what you're going through. I know if someone is determined to harm or kill themself you cannot stop them but these people are not supporting you and your DH, they are standing by and not helping.

Do you have anyone who can support you practically? A relative of mine felt like this recently and we were able to help by giving practical support and just being around to talk to and to watch out. Is there anybody could do that for you?

I just want to feel shit. TBH the self harm is what makes life harder, walking is just painful.

Overdosing won't kill me, and if it does I don't care tbh, it would save everyone a lot of trouble. They know that. Everyone knows but as I have capacity they can't do anything. It is my choice.

Like I say, if they said you can be admitted I would refuse but at the same time I want them to help me :( I am so confused. I am just wasting their time.

When you are in crisis you feel sh*t wherever you are - at home, in hospital, it doesn't matter. The thing is you are still in your own skin, the one place you don't want to be. That is why you don't know what you want. You really just want a break from being you for a while. Because wherever you are, you will still be you, still feeling awful and wanting it all to stop.

What is wrong with you? You are ill, you are mentally ill. You need to accept that and take your medication. It will help. You need to hang in there and have other people take responsibility for your safety right now.

Have you been diagnosed with anything yet? My heart goes out to you

If my husband stayed at home I would self harm elsewhere, he knows that. I feel like a watched pot when he is at home :( He loves me so much but it is like it is not enough for me and I don't know why :(

I know this sounds so fatalistic and stupid and I should just stop being so fucking stupid and grow up.

Do they have specialist services for reducing self-harm in your area? Sounds like you might benefit from a therapeutic community type approach. This might be a good starting point for exploring services in your area, if you don't already know all about what's available: Services.