Support thread for those of us who have dh/dp's with MH issues

[autumnchild]

Hi

I couldn't see an up to date thread of support for those of us who have dh/dp's with mh issues - i know i often need somewhere to rant discuss certain issues.

A brief summary - been with my dh for 14 years, married for 4 1/2. Have 1 DD age 7.5 months.

I love my dh to bits but he suffers from quite severe ocd. He has had cbt for this which improved things alot. However, he now seems to be deteriorating again. He is currently awaiting further cbt. He was on medication, but came off it. The doctors have said that it isn't worth going back on it as it won't really help (DH agrees with this).

His ocd manifests itself as protectivenes over his belongings. He constantly worries that some damage has occurred to things in the house/car etc. This results in him constantly questioning me over whether i've damaged anything or if i happen to bang into or drop something he will inspect the area for about 20 minutes to see if there is any damage.

there are many times i feel like walking out of the door and leaving him, but I do love him, but honestly don't know how much more i can take. We are very close in some ways (he is my best friend), but his ocd creates such a chasm between us.

Because of the nature of the illness, i can't talk to anyhone in rl about it as he wants it to remain a secret. the only other people who know are his parents.

I'm hoping that by getting things out on here may help.

Hi autumn, I just came onto this board to start a similar thread, seems you beat me to it.

Your situation sounds so familiar, but my dh's problem is depression. I totally understand the feeling of having had enough and wanting to walk out, and yet not wanting to- when I imagined our life together I didn't expect it to turn out like this, but it feels so selfish to think that. :-( We've been together 6 years, married for almost 2, and have a 6 month old dd.

He has been much better recently, and on the whole is improving. He was very ill when I was pregnant- his depression worsened very rapidly while we were trying to find the right antidepressant and he attempted suicide, and then due to time off work he was sacked in quite a nasty and underhand way, after disciplinary meetings etc, which didn't help. He is now working again, but in a rubbish job for minimum wage. The job he lost was in the police- what he's always wanted to do and had spent years training for, so he's still devastated about it. It's caused a lot of relationship issues too, and he's been quite awful to me at times and it's so hard to deal with when mixed in with depression. Half the time I don't know whether I'm coming or going. In sickness and in health right? But it's so hard when the illness seems to change the person you love into someone you don't recognise.

go to your own GP and ask for some counelling on NHS. it will really help. you can also speak to RETHINK and MIND about services for carers.

you need to speak to someone in RL and if not a friend then a cousnellor/profressional - a profresisonal or group for carers would be best.

otherwise you at risk of getting MH issues your self.

you ahave a childnow betwen you. ou cannto keep this a secre any more. he is not acting rationally in asking you to keep it to yourself. you need also to monitor how it will impact on your child as child grows and becomes messy etc .

you need to talk frankly with him about what will happen when child is odler able to crawl around knock things damage things paint on things or make mess

do not listen to his wishes to keep it a secret you need to discuss this with someone. you dont need to telle veryone (unles sof course they noticing) but you need to find a way to express yourself and your frustrations with it - CBT for you from this perspective would be good. and to think about how it will impact on baby as she grows and how to manage that - eg will you keep him a child free space in the house where she cannot "damage" anything

OCD is a very unpleasant illness to be a bystander of-incredibly frustrating and there are many who think its a silly quirk that "you can pull yourself out of"
i am suprisedautumnchild that hes not on meds or that his g.p thinks thats cool.i have OCD myself and have done a CBT course within a support group.all members were on ADs,advocated by the psych nurse that ran the group as they are so efficient at helping dampen down the anxiety that conrtols the ritualistic behaviour

soundof herwings i too have a dp with deppression.he remains a little unstable despite meds and sometimes can be very erratic,wanting to be close and at others all but pushing me away.never really knowing what you gonna get and watching them in the dark blackness can be heartbreaking,knowing you can barely reach them.rarely make a difference despite wanting to make it better

cestlavielife RL isnt always an option.for me MN offers me a chance to write it thus letting off steam and letting it go.if someone replies to that with empathy/sympathetic words it can really boost what can have been a very hard day

fewpeople who i have ever told about my dp understand why im still with him after almost 9yrs,why i have 3 chidren with him,why even after all this time he is too unstable to manage living with us.
sometimes he will have insight.he will joke will the real d.p stand up please and i dont know whether to laugh or cry as he tries to figure out who he really is anymore.
and when he is in this place he expressed succh a sense of gratefullness that i havent given up on him i weep when he goes home.to see a man who has such a strong stature look at me with such vulnerabillity..you have to have lived it to understand it
i relish the good days.hope the bad ones pass swiftly..to see a glimmer of what things can be like is enough to keep me going.that and i love him.he is a gentle,thoughtful,funny man trapped in a swirly fog that robs us both of who he wants to be

i shall be watching with interest

best wishes to all and hope tomorrow is a good day.x

Thank you all - really sorry but i didn't check thbe thread for a while so didn't know you had all replied.

It seems another mnetter has started another thread in relationhips so i've been posting on that one - if you want to join us??

Could you link to the other thread, please? I could use some support. Thank you.

ooo I've never linked before, so here goes:-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1441200-Partner-with-OCD-anyone-else

OMG I can't believe that worked!!!

Thank you :)

I'm glad I've found you ladies. Tried to start my own support thread a few months back and no one replied.

My DH is also suffering from depression wings (and I also have a 6 month old, I think we were on the Oct 11 ante natal thread together).

autumn It must be very frustrtaing that your DH doesn't want his illness to be public. Last year when DH was first diagnosed he didn'twant people knowing and I found it very hard to deal with. Recently as things ahve flared up again, I've found it much easier and less stressful to be able to be honest and open with people. I agree that MN is a great place to be able to blow off steam/rant/get it all out. Is there no one in RL you would be able to talk to (in confidence, as that's obviously important to your DH)? As cestlavie says, it's putting your own MH at risk by not being able to talk about it.

I'll sit and have a proper read of the rest of the thread and post later, but it's great to know that I'm not the only one.

Hi Engels

You're welcome here and sorry to hear about your DP. How long has he suffered and how are you coping?

It is very difficult sometimes to not be able to talk to anyone in RL and i may speak to GP about getting some counselling - I'll see how things go.

Hi engels, yes it is me from the Oct 11 bus. I dropped off when life got in the way. How are you doing, hope you're ok?

It is difficult with them wanting to keep it private- not everyone is always supportive or understanding and I know I HATE people knowing personal stuff about me and DH is the same. Our families both know he's been depressed, and have been supportive, but have a tendency to get over involved so I can't really tell them all the details.
It is hard, there's still a taboo around mental health issues and no matter how open you try to be I've found some people just mutter helpful nonsense such as 'well try to keep your chin up' and then look awkward and change the subject.

Our GP was happy to offer counselling to me, but so far I've not followed it up due to the baby and DH working shifts- it's hard to commit to regular sessions. I will have to get myself organised.

Things with DH haven't been great lately, we've been fighting endlessly and going round in circles. He says I don't listen to him and am always nagging, I say that the baby and the house won't look after themselves and that I need some support from him since I'm dealing with it all by myself. :(

tell people. dont let his wishes to "keep secret" rule your life.

and you will be surprised.

when my nowexP had major breakdown and i did talk to people (to some no doubt ad nauseum!) there were a fair few who had had direct experience of partners/family members with MH issues. they told me their stories. one husband of a friend told me HIS own story. how his wife's ultimatum (take ADs or leave) helped him seek help... do tell you friends what is up. they may know much more about it than you think.

and if you really think you cant then call Rethink or Mind and join a local support group and make new friends who do understand... or at the last, speak to a profressional counsellor.

i is like when you tell people you had a miscarriage - suddenly everyone has had one... and you had no idea...

Woah! Mammoth post!

i just linked and dumped on your other thread.sorry!

was intrested that your dh/ps have highly strung mums.so does my dp and she encoourages him to rely on her....

Hi Zoo

I've read you post on the other thread and sympathise with you. Has your dp been diagnosed with MH problems or is he taking medical advice/on medication?

Whats the situation with your dp's mum? It was strange how it came out on the other thread.

Hope everyone else is doing ok and had a good easter.

he has depression and anxiety.takes seroxat

his mum is unlike anyone ive ever met...she thinks if in controll things she can somehow ward off any potential problems so in effect is trying to shield him from the real world

she hates the fact when the kids are ill/im having problems he hears about it

he has to ring her when he gets home each day or she meltsdown with panic something has happened to him[he is 45 this year FGS]

she constantly questions every decision he makes which i effect undermines him although she wont see it like that.i think she is mor than half the problem as she allows him not to take any responsibility for himself and his actions and always sides him/tries split us up if things go wrong

all in all very hard work.i sed to try and soothe her but got to point she was ringing me up to 20x a day for anthing upto an hour trying to analyse and discuss what he might be doing and how to avert any potential"disasters".i cracked and admitted to dp what wa going on.she hasnt spoken to me since and blanks me in the street

Oh dear - I thought my MIL was bad

She does the whole shielding him and his brother from things - there are many times she has told me minor things and said that she hasn't told DH which really annoys me.

She likes to see the world through rose-tinted glasses and can't bear the thought of anything bad happening to anyone - when i was having DD she was shaking with fright because she had heard i was having an epidural.

DH runs to her with his ocd because she provides him with the reassurance I don't - even though mil, fil and I met with his cbt counsellor who explained that was the worst thing you could do.

TBH, it sounds as though your mil may have ocd herself - thasts how my dh would carry on - going over and over things for hours at a time.

I therefore completely sympathise with you and can understand what you are going through.

Can I join this thread please? DH is slowly recovering from a breakdown over Easter but has had MH problems for years - since he was a child.

He was physically abused and bullied by his uncle from about the age of 4 and has suffered OCD, dpression and anxiety related problems as a result. He also has a very low self esteem which has lead to some major problems in the past (exagerating/embellishing/making things up etc) in his misguided attempt to gain respect and status with people.

I knew nothing of any of this when we got married and tbh I have felt that I was deceived a bit, the person I thought I married didn't really exist - there were things he had told me that weren't true and had never happened.

That said, I love him to bits. He is a good man and the person I married IS in there. We've been married now for 11 years and have 2 DS's. In those 11 years he has had a major breakdown shortly after DS1 was born, an ongoing battle with with OCD and anxiety (has been on prozac and has had CBT) has nearly drowned after falling off a boat, had a stroke 3 years ago, cancer last year and now has really hit rock bottom.

He is battling back, has been to see his Gp and has a referral to the local MH team at the end of the month. Coincidently (or maybe not) his Mum is very similar to the others that have been described - panders to him, tells me how difficult it is for him (actually hinted that I should take 6 weeks off work to look after him as she has done in the past), she seems to get some sort of enjoyment (possibly not quite the right word ) from people being ill - she kind of prolongs it iykwim. Fortunately she lives on the other side of the country and I've managed to keep her away so far!

Would love the support of a thread like this x

Hi Neenook

Poor you, sounds like he (and you) have had an awful time. I understand your feeling of being deceived, my dh hid his depression for a year while I thought we were happy- it messes with your head, makes you question things. My Dh also does the lying/embellishing thing- he did it as a teenager due to low self esteem and started up again when depressed- it seems to be his defence mechanism. Does your DH still do this?

Glad you're getting help from your GP and mental health teams. Do not feel guilty about not taking time off work- you need to preserve your own sanity. It took me ages to realise that I wasn't selfish to care about myself, and to convince the mental health teams that they should be helping my DH because it wasn't my job to deal with him when he was suicidal at 3am and I was heavily pregnant. You are his wife, not his therapist or carer or mental health worker.

DH has had depression for 4 years and counting. Currently he is not speaking to me which I find very hurtful as he can and does talk to others. His behaviour puzzles me. He insists he can't help it but I disagree. He isn't the man I married. I know I can't change him and I know I have to work out what I want. I know I don't want to live like this any more but am scared of starting something - like leaving him - that I might regret.

Neenook my DH also didn't tell me that he had suffered from depression in his 20s. It wasn't until everything resurafced last year (after 4 years together) that he told me. Since he's been open with me and (and been actively seeking treatment the last few months) things have been better.

I still feel resentful sometimes. Like you Sound when I was pregnant last year I wanted him to be looking after me and he just couldn't. He went off sick when DS was 6 weeks and is just now working up to half days. I feel like he's hijacked my ML (I'm back at work now 2 days a week). All the things that I wanted to do while I was at home on my own, I feel like that all went out of the window. And then I feel so selfish for feeling that way....

Mimi that sounds awful. Do you mean he won't talk to you about his depression or not speaking to you at all?

My ILs are nice, MIL is very supportive, but they are of a different generation and I don't think they really know how to deal with DHs depression. My parents were the same when my DSis was suffering from depression.

Hi all

How is everyone?

Neenook and sounds - i understand how you feel deceived. although I did know my dh had a problem (we were together when it all surfaced) he never actually told me that it was ocd - he just used to call it "his problem". Eventually i demanded to know and he got his mother to tell me which really hurt.

Things have been bad over the last few days and i now feel really horrible and selfish as i've told him that i am really unhappy and have considered leaving. I have told him that I'm scared of what our life will be like if he doesn't get better again and the effect this will have on our DD. I told him that I don't think i can go back to when things were really bad.

He just keeps apologising and saying that he knows his ocd brings everyone down.

Like i said, i now feel really guilty burdening him with this when his ocd is about as bad as it could be.

I do love him and have told him that.

Mimi - like you I know i will regret it if i do leave him.

On a brighter note, he is back on his medication and has been accepted for cbt in london again.

I, like most of you, do feel resentful because i think how our life should be and how happy we should be if it wasn't for his ocd .

autumn, feeling resentful because of how life should be ... hmm, that can lead down a dangerous path. Remember we are all responsible for ourselves: for our own actions, our own behaviours, our own happiness; and that applies to us just as much as it does to our DPs.
I'm wrestling with this a lot myself just now. I'm not happy with my/our situation but it's not DH's job to make me happy. I have an idea about what will make me happier, but a) I'm scared that I will be wrong; b) I'm not sure how to get there from here; and c) I don't think that what will make me happy will make DH happy - in fact, it will probably make him even more unhappy and I have to be sure I can accept the consequences of that. But I have to work it out all by myself.

You love him; does he love you? Are his apologies made out of genuine concern for the impact on you? Or does he, like mine, apolgise and add the rider "but I can't help being this way"?

Mimi - I understand completely what you're saying about being responsible for our own happiness. As a person i am very much of the attitude that we are responsible for everything about our own life.

However, I know that without the ocd, we would be happy - after his cbt came to an end last time and dh was much better, we were very happy. Therefore, unfortunately, i can't make his ocd go away which is another thing i find difficult.

I have no doubt that dh loves me whole-heartedly and only wants the same as me - for his ocd to go away.

things have been a little better since my last post as dh seems to be putting on a brighter front, but i know thats all it is - a front - he is still suffering as much as he was .

I know i don't want our marriage to end and i just hope his tablets start working soon and he can start his cbt - 3 month waiting list unfortunately.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.