Support thread for those of us who have dh/dp's with MH issues

[autumnchild]

Hi

I couldn't see an up to date thread of support for those of us who have dh/dp's with mh issues - i know i often need somewhere to rant discuss certain issues.

A brief summary - been with my dh for 14 years, married for 4 1/2. Have 1 DD age 7.5 months.

I love my dh to bits but he suffers from quite severe ocd. He has had cbt for this which improved things alot. However, he now seems to be deteriorating again. He is currently awaiting further cbt. He was on medication, but came off it. The doctors have said that it isn't worth going back on it as it won't really help (DH agrees with this).

His ocd manifests itself as protectivenes over his belongings. He constantly worries that some damage has occurred to things in the house/car etc. This results in him constantly questioning me over whether i've damaged anything or if i happen to bang into or drop something he will inspect the area for about 20 minutes to see if there is any damage.

there are many times i feel like walking out of the door and leaving him, but I do love him, but honestly don't know how much more i can take. We are very close in some ways (he is my best friend), but his ocd creates such a chasm between us.

Because of the nature of the illness, i can't talk to anyhone in rl about it as he wants it to remain a secret. the only other people who know are his parents.

I'm hoping that by getting things out on here may help.

How is everyone?

DH is doin well on his meds,CBT and the exercise group he's joined. Still has bad days but I really think that things are getting better.

There are still days when I just get so frustrated with him though. When he bails on taking DS to bed, or feeding him, or changing him. When I'm the one dealing with all of the domestic chores again because he can't deal with them. But, I guess everyone has moments like that, depression or no depression.

autumn I know what you mean...I wish I could help DH with his depression, but he is the only one who has the power to do that. I feel like my role is to support him, to make his life less stressful wherever possible (which is not always as easy as it sounds!).

Can't believe there's such a long waiting list for cbt. That sucks.

How are you doing mimi? Is DH speaking to you now?

Hoping to get out in some sunshine this weekend (it's bank holiday weekend here in Holland and I have half term for the whole week too). We need some air, some green...and to get away from your Tv and internet!

How is everyone?

Does anyone else ever just get tired of having to be the one holding things together? I'm the one who does nearly all of the domestic stuff, tries to keep DH positive and motivated, organises anything social or family related (inc with his family) and I'm just so tired of it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm permanently wearing a happy mask and there comes a certain point every few weeks (last Wednesday morning for me) when I can't deal with it anymore and I just crack a little bit (or in my case, start crying as mumsnet and a film that I though was a rom-com but was actually about a woman with terminal cancer (cheery )

Hi Engel

Haven't been on in a while as everyone seemed to have disappeared.

Things are not too bad here. Following from my previous thread when i told DH how low i was feeling, things have improved. He is more talkative and seems brighter. I am sure it is still a front, but it does make the atmosphere much better.

also, he has his first cbt appointment in london on monday, so that should start to make things better again.

i agree completely about wearing a happy mask - pretneeding things don't bother you and just carrying on. Thats why dh was shocked when i told him my true feelings.

How are you feeling now and how is your dh?

anyone else still here?

Can I join?

Something you said resonated, feeling like you are the only one holding it together.

My DH had a breakdown in December and was diagnosed with depression. He has been seeing a psychotherapist and having CBT as well as anti-depressants.

This weekend I confronted it all, I have had my head in the sand until now. He explained the issues at work and how he feels about what happened initially. He has a disciplinary meeting in a few weeks which will send him backwards.

I feel I am giving him all the support in the world, looking after the kids and working full time. Sometimes I think of getting the kids and running away as I don't think I can cope anymore.

Glad to hear that things are better autumn. Hope the cbt goes well.

I'm okay, just have an off day every now and again, when things seem to be a bit much. I feel like I'm doing so much at home, trying to keep the household running, starting to declutter, work and feel like it's all me (whihc it is). Have just had 2 lovely family days for DNs birthday and Mother's Day here today though (which also means we're exhausted!). I'm counting down the days til the end of the school year.

Hi Knit. Sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. It's good that you're DH is having treatment, at least he accepts that he needs help (whihc I think is the first battle to overcome). I can't imagine how it must be dealing with full time work (I only work 2 days right now) and kids (DS is only 6 months so not very demanding).

Do his work know about his depression? Are they linked?
Something I read in the Matthew Johnstone book...just remember that "it will pass..."

Keep talking to him about how he feels and how you fee, and come on here to vent. that's what MN is for

Thanks Engels, I was so hoping someone would respond.

Yes, work is linked and he has agreed today to hand in his notice. Once that is sorted we can move on. Lots of things have spiralled out of control, mostly financial, and I gave some ultimatums today and we seem to be on the same page finally.

He has agreed to stop the lying, if he doesn't he has to go.

You're right, it has to stop, but the question is when?

I told my DM how I was feeling today and that helped.

I hope I can be as supportive on this thread. I just need a little help at the moment

I would really advise to let other people in your life who can support you know what's going on. It has made such a difference for me being able to be open to people around me (friends, my family, ILs, my boss) and let them know not only what DH is going through, but also the effect on me.

Sounds like things are more complicated for you though, with DH's work and financial issues as well.

I wonder if my dh has OCD. He has quite a depressive personality, although he wasn't quite as bad when we first got together 16 years ago. He has become obsessed with cleaning. When he comes home from work I can see him examining the floor for crumbs and he starts wiping up any dirty marks etc. he can never relax, he is always walking round the house looking for something to clean , and doesn't understand why this annoys me. He also is generally unhappy and is always telling the dc's off, and me too! We had a lot of stress a few years ago but things are fine now. But he can't seem to cope even when small things go wrong .

Would the doctors be the best place for him to go to? I am worried about him starting to get this seen to as it will make it more real and I am worried it could make him worse.

Hello Frankie and Knit - welcome.

Frankie - it certainly sounds like he may have ocd and would recommend he goes to his gp as much sson as possible. Did he seek medical attention for his depression?

My DH looks for problems in the house where there aren't any - he has had electrician in to "fix" light switches that are fine - dont know what the electrician thinks! If he asks me about any supoosed problems, i just say that it is his ocd and i'm not prepared to discuss it.

Knit - how are you feeling today?

Autumnchild - no, he has never had any treatment for depression as it has never really been that bad. It is just the way he has always been, very introspective and moody. But it is getting worse now, and he is often stressed, angry and grumpy. The OCD thing is new, the past few years, and it is getting worse. I have even stopped inviting people over as I know he gets stressed about the mess and he will often get out the broom and start sweeping while people are still here?

Does anyone know why people develop OCD?

frankie, get him to gp.

unless you quite happy not having people round?

If you having to alter you life style considerably then you need to ensure he seeks help or come up with another way around this. perhaps he can go away for weekends sometimes so you can invite people round? what about the kids friends? will they never be allowed friends round?

Autumnchild Thanks for asking, today has been better as I have been in work all day so there is a bit of escapism. I have managed not to cry so that is a start.

You lot are lovely, thanks for listening.

I agree that if you think there is a problem the best thing they can do is go to the doctor and get help.

I'll be back later, once everyone has had food.

Hi all

Frankie - there was a thread solely for peoples whose partners have ocd (which sadly went by the wayside) and what a lot of our partners had in common was that they had a head injury when they were little - my dh's cbt counsellor said that this can often cause/trigger it. My DH fractured his skull when he was 2 and his symptoms sgtarted appearing when he was 3. It also transpired on the other thread that alot of our partners had slightly very overbearing mothers - therefore we decided that we had solved the reasons behind it and were working our way to a cure!! but truthfully, I don't think there is a specific reason

I know what you mean about having people round - because my dh is so protective over our belongings, it is difficult having people round in case they spill anything or something similar. Unfortunately it makes me very on edge as well.

Dh went to his cbt session yesterday (the first since he started deteriorating again) and found it very difficult. It is a different counsellor to the one he saw last time and doesn't feel as comfortable with him. He didn't go into great detail but said that he left feeling very negative at the end of it. He's got another ina fortnight.

DH is finding some of his cbt sessions quite difficult as well autumn. I think it's quite confronting for him having to talk about his behaviour, the way he reacts to others and the way he thinks others see him.

I also often shy away from inviting people over as DH feels like others don't respect our space/property in the same way that he respects the hoems of others. can be frustrating. I try and arrange to meet people elsewhere or at their house. I know what you mean about being on edge when people are here.