Another suicide attempt by DH!!! How to keep going???

[OlaMamas]

Not been on here for a good couple of years and have been inundated with support and practical help from family and friends who all know DH! But somehow needed to chat to faceless people. Christmas 2010 DH lost a really good job. To be fair he was never chilled out and always high maintenance. But a spiral of depression set in. Caught him late at night after heavy drinking with a knife, followed by an overdose last June and this week he has again under the influence driven into a brick wall and broken a bone in his kneck. Thankfully not spinal but a miracle he's still alive. Got a 4 year old and a 6 year old. And just trying to get the strength to stay strong. I know it's an illness and he loves us and he's sorry but is there any way back from this?

OMG! I do not have any advice, just do not know what to say, but I am here if you want to talk more about it...

Thankyou Bemybebe.. He says he loves me and he's terrified of me leaving him. But he is the one trying to do the leaving of the most final sort. My kids are struggling. They are both massive Daddies boys. My eldest has insisted on taking his teddy to school in his bag and my youngest is being so horrible to me and telling me he hates me and just wants daddy. I hate DH for what he's done to us all. The hospital is an hour away. I am driving ther every day and also trying to deal with the insurance, police, the speeding notification, his work, everyones questions. And what can I say??? My husband who to the outside world looks like he has a nice house, nice car (till he mangled it into a wall) two lovely boys and an ok wife who he's been with for 23 years from the age of 15 tried to kill himself again??? Kind of a conversation stopper! a few close friends know and others I am desperately trying to evade questions or avoid! Can we get through this???

Ola- sending you lots of sympathy and hugs. I am another one who is here if you want to talk. It sounds a horrendous situation. I am glad you have lots of RL support around you.

Can you go to your GP and ask to be urgently referred to counseling? Or even to find a private one? You cannot be expected to deal with this physically and emotionally on your own.

I wish I could help with advice -I cannot, just never dealt with this myself... But I have been several times in tragic situations that I thought I would never come out alive. But I did... but I also needed a lot of help with this. Do you have any practical help from family and those close friends who know?

Lots of practical help and amazing friends who have come running. But there is soooo much they don't know. It sounds dramatic but feel like I could implode! DH is such a complicated character. If it wasn't happening to me I would not understant how someone would put up with everything he has done. He is so angry, so irrational. But I get him! There are family issues, he's needy and I have to hang onto the fact that he is mentally ill. If it was a physical illness people understand, make allowances, but there is such a stigma attached to mental health. The circumstances are all so dodgy too. We were away together in the Lakes. The accident was at 2.30 am Sunday morning. He was in the car alone. People knew we'd been out in the day together thanks to facebook. Anyone putting two and two together are gonna get 4!!!!!

Was looking at closer magazine earlier and even said to my friend about Natalie Cassidy taking her fella back and then gave my head a wobble. DH had lost me so many friends because of irrational behaviour and moods (always after alcohol) friends that have come offering so much support and help but who are all still confused with whats going on. I have the loyalty to DH but my head is mush.

Oh Ola, I'm no expert but your loyalty lies with your boys. Your youngest doesn't hate you - you're just his safest person to vent to.

23 years, mental illness or no, Ola it's okay to shout 'Enough!'.

Fuck what other people think. If you go under, what hope is there for your family?

It's okay to 'hate' this man, mental illness/abuse/whatever - he's drained you.

Maybe he can't help it, maybe he can, it's hard to say without knowing him. But you know what you need to do to survive and provide a stable as possible home for your boys.

Don't worry what the people think for now... if you can. I know you feel anxious about it, but you really have so much on your plate with what you and your dcs/dh are going through, other people's concerns are way down the list...
I was going to suggest you calling the Samaritans, but it sounds like you really need to have professional/longer-term support.
I lost my baby last year (long story) and the hospital (private one abroad) had a psycologist on site. It is amazing what a difference it made to my understanding how to deal with my feelings/dh/other family members- the way I looked around me and what I should do to make through the next weeks/months. It was simply invaluable.

I hope someone will come in the morning with better knowledge of the system and more practical advice. I wish I could do more!

x-ed with tall... agree.

I know Tall... and think thats whats scaring me... I have to protect my boys. But without us DH really has nothing and I think I have to and want to believe he will get better. The boys adore him. But I see what he's done to them and can I risk letting him hurt them again??? What sort of a mother does that make me? The stuff they've seen and heard in their young lives... and coming from a troubled home... I swore I would never let my children see unhapiness. Just at end of tether:(

Oh Bemy... I'm so sorry to hear about your lost baby. :( I keep trying to give my head a wobble coz things like that help put your own problems into perspective. I probably do need to see my gp and maybe get some help. I have some of the best friends. But there is sooooo much I don't tell to protect DH.

My head is hitting the pillow now. I was ill with cold/flu all week and my bioclock is all fucked up. I need to go to sleep but I will check up on you tomorrow morning... hugs.

You really need an independent ear to listen to and make the sense of what is happening to you and your family. Try to find someone professional if you can, these guys are worth their price. My GP referred me to one (NHS), but I had to wait (and paid for the private in the meantime).

Thankyou. You've both really helped. Just been nice to off load without worrying about any disloyalty. Hope you feel better soon XXX

There is no disloyalty having an anonymous vent on here. I agree with Bemy's comment that you shouldn't be worrying what other people think at the moment. Save your energy for more important things.

As everyone else has said your first priority is your two little boys. You are coping with so much alone and being strong for four people. You need to take care of yourself in all this and get some support.

I understand about the loyalty thing, I really do, but this is about you now and how you are going to get through it. Counselling will help but also be honest with a best friend you really trust. You will feel better for it.

Has your dh had any therapy?

OP just want to say this is the wrong time to worry about disloyalty. Do not help him to stuff this away into secrecy. It is too big for that. If you are to make it through this you all will need support and lots of it. Do talk to your friends, he will have to cope with that. Do talk to any professionals that may be able to help you, hv, sure start whatever works.

He's not alone. While MH services are woefully inadequate, there will be charities, drop-ins, supported living that he can access. There should also be a Carers' association near you. They can offer a listening ear (and you don't have to censor what you say) as well as company. Sometimes they do pamper days - massage and relaxation, stuff like that.

Hell, in my times of need I rang the Samaritans - they were great.

My dd suffered in her early teens because I was so pre-occupied and scared and grieving over my partner - I wasn't always there for her and I would do things very differently if I had my time again.

Ola, I agree with others that you may need a professional advisor here- counselling or similar can be useful, and the confidentiality is assured (you can ask for a counselling contract to be sure).

Sounds as though you are holding everyone together- it seems like you have a lot of stamina and resilience, but it's important to take a break to review things and get some perspective.

For your own wellbeing and your kids you need to look after yourself ahead of your husband right now.

keep posting here - I'll listen and we have

Sorry but your H is a prick and he's been abusing you for years. Honestly, MH or no MH, he's been 'angry' 'irrational' 'difficult' and has just expected you to suck it up indefinitely. There's no room inside his head for anyone but him.

Now it's time to prioritize yourself and the DCs. Let the professionals take care of this man and look after yourselves. You matter. It's unfortunately very easy to forget about the rest of the family when one person is constantly creating dramas and sucking in all the attention available.

And, even if you think I am being too harsh on your H, something that remains true for people with MH issues who are not actually abusive to their families is this. You can't 'love someone better.' Mentally-ill people need professional help. And you need some professional support as well. Best of luck. You will get through it.

I agree with SGB tbh

It's not your responsibility to make him better, that's his. And he won't get better unless he realises that it's his responsibility and seeks appropriate treatment. It is your responsibility to put your children first (his as well, but he seems incapable of that at the moment). So focus on what they need (which will also mean thinking about what you need as you need to be functioning for them).

Like SGB the fact that for you've lost friends through his being 'angry' 'irrational' and 'difficult' rings huge alarm bells for me. Most friends will tolerate partners of friends they don't like. People have to be really, really bad for repeated friends to walk away. I do have one friend in that situation and I can't begin to explain how awful her partner is. He is quite literally unbearable to be around.

im soo sorry you are in such a diffiucult place right now.
you HAVE to recognise he is the only one with responsibility for HIS life
i know thats easier said than done and loving someone with severe depression is hard work,but its very very draining and your priority is your boys
they are struggling and you are all they have thats stable
he needs professional support.you do to
did i get it right that he had been drinking?is this a problem too
i cant give you the life you all deserve to be living but offer hugs and as much virtual support as you need honey

I also agree with SGB Very harsh as it is, this seems to be a reality from what you posted here. Obviously your dh is in need of help, but you have already given over and above the call of duty, you should protect yourself and focus on your family, your boys... My dh suffered from an accident 10 years ago that resulted in severe brain trauma. He was in coma, in a rehab for 1.5 years and although we did not have kids together (he had 4 from the prev marriage) I did have a v demanding ft job. My life for 3 years was sheer hell, something I see from where I am now, but something i refused to acknowledge at the time. How I am still here I do not know and one thing for sure I would have done differently, I would have taken my own needs a lot more into consideration, if only to support others around me better... as in the airplane and oxygen masks, put one on yourself first before helping others iykwim... it is not selfish, it is sensible.

sorri to hear this ola.

he chose to drink you know....

he made a conscious decision.

right now?

stop driving up there every day.

he is being looked after.

he wont commit suicide while in hosp.

they can talk to him and offer profressional support to him which you cannot give him.

your priority is your boys and you.

let him get well and access support.

you can call him every day.

but you do not need to be driving there when your boys need you and need you more.

you need to ask GP for referral to nhs counsellor ugently to process this. your boys need to talk too if they want to -if you want support with this ask to speak wih a child psychologist or family therapist.

the things i regret when my nowexP was in breakdown mode was leaving the Dc with someone to listen to his crying etc, droppin everything to visit him in psych unit etc.

when in hospital he is being looked after and you do not need to be there.
but your Dc who are sad and confused need you there doing normal stuff going to park or whatever. you need to be around positive people who are supporting you.

it is time - afer so many eyars - to put you and DC first.

the worst hat could happen? he achieves his goal to kill himself. it wouldl not be your fault. right now he is in a palce where he CAN acess the right support and help to turn this round. it is his choice. (and his alone really) if this ahsnt shaken him up - nothing will...

dont visit for a few days - you need time and space to do the practical paperwork and stuff and pay attention to your boys.

tell him you focusing on boys and will be ready when he is released to support him as he seeks help. but that you will no longer be his prop.

you and the boys have to take priority here.

it sounds cruel - but he is an adult and he has access to profressionals who can help him now.