Don't feel actively suicidal but wouldn't mind if I died eg in an accident

[jasminerice]

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

I was suicidal just over a year ago and definately don't feel like that now. In fact some days I feel quite happy and content. And yet I still have thoughts that I would be fine if I died for some reason. In fact I would be quite glad as then I could die without any guilt.

I have 2 DC's and I know it would be awful for them, but still, I am happy at the thought of dying in an accident or something.

OP, sorry to hear you're having a tough time at the moment. Do you have any profesionals to talk to? Cpuncellors etc?

Or you could ring the Samaritans to talk through this.

I wish you strength. And please think of your 2 DC.

Thankyou. I do have a counsellor and take anti d's. I think the problem is DH. He really drags me down.

You need to keep talking darling. This is not a good or healthy way to feel. See your GP and get referred to your MH team to talk and / or Samaritans. Am sorry things are tough. Your DC would be devastated if you had an accident. Please keep talking to someone to help you to see this.

Sending you best wishes. Please talk to someone trained to help as soon as you can.

You're welcome. You know the Samaritans are there to talk to no matter what? You don't have to be suicidal to talk to them. Gove them a call if you can this evening.

Your DH drags you down? How so?

Thankyou sybil and Val. I'm seeing my counsellor on Wednesday, will tell her how I feel.

It's such a long story about how and why DH drags me down. I don't have the energy to write it all down. In fact I don't have the energy for life tbh. If I died I could rest in peace which is what I so want to do. I'm so tired of the arguing with DH. But he never will agree to a divorce and I don't have the strength or energy to leave. And I have nowhere to go anyway. No family, no friends who would take in me and the DC's. I feel trapped and stuck in my situation. That's probably why death feels like a good idea, it's my only escape. But it has to be through illness or an accident as I couldn't intentionally leave my DC's.

It suggests that you do not feel able to take responsibility for your own situation at the moment. That you do not feel strong enough to sort it all out. But you are stronger than you think. If your marriage is beyond repair go speak to a matrimonial solicitor (pick one that offers Legal Help) and talk through your options. If you have day to day care for the children it is possible for him to be made to leave not you. If he is violent or treats you badly get support from Women's Aid. You can do this. Don't get sucked down in a trap of helplessness.

Wantto, thankyou for posting. I'm sorry you feel this way too. The thing is I don't even feel unhappy, just tired, mentally, physically and emotionally and I just want a bit of peace in my life, no arguments, no ups and downs caused by relationship problems.

Madmouse, thankyou for posting. I've read many of your posts and you always offer good advice. I don't feel at all ready to really think about divorce. I know I'm not strong enough to cope with going through something like that and also I would need to be there for the DC's who would be devastated.

Our marriage has been through a huge amount of stress and strain for a long time. I was depressed for years without realising it and my behaviour caused a lot of problems because I was often angry, cold and detached towards DH, when he had done nothing to deserve it.

He has recently told me I have been emotionally abusing him for years. I feel so upset at this because I was severely abused as a child and DH is now putting me on a par with my parents. The abuse I went through as a child was horrendous. What DH has suffered because of me just does not compare. He's an adult and he certainly didn't accept my behaviour lying down, he gave as good as he got.

I think maybe we should see a marriage counsellor to help unravel the mess of our marriage.

Yes, i sometimes feel the same. My circumstances drags me down too.

madmouse has written what i imagine my therapist would say when i tell her i feel like this as prompted by your thread OP.

Another breakthrough, it is horrid feeling :(

Jasminrice then go see a marriage counsellor - good idea. Do something proactive to change your current situation.

In terms of your dh saying he feels abused by you, I can imagine your reaction, but you cannot compare abuse and abuse. There are many different gradations. The fact that you suffered far worse as a child does not mean your dh cannot legitimately feel abused. The fact that he fought back does not necessarily matter either. You may need to acknowledge the hurt you caused him (and vice versa).

Also- have you had sufficient therapy or counselling yourself to put your abuse to rest? I was a victim of severe abuse as a child and I know too well how insidiously it affects every area of your life as a grown up.

Madmouse, yes I absolutely agree with you, my DH has suffered as a result of my untreated and unrecognised depression for many many years. I think I am more upset at the way he told me he felt abused. He sent me an email without warning suddenly telling me I was an abuser. I was in shock for a few days and then felt very upset and angry and just worn down. I have had lots of counselling for my childhood abuse, but the legacy it has left just seems never ending. All my relationships have been affected by it, apart from the very recent friendships I have made since my self esteem and boundaries have been a lot healthier.

It's just so tiring to be constantly dealing with the fall out from my childhood abuse, as well as dealing with the childhood abuse itself.

I've just realised I 'friend' who I thought was a good friend has treated me appallingly over the years but I just kept on being her friend. I should have dumped her years ago when she said she couldn't come to my wedding because it would be too upsetting for her as she had recently split up with her boyfriend who she had hoped to marry.

I am very sorry to hear some of your back story. Please do give the Sams a ring before Wednesday. Just talking to a live person rather than onscreen will help.

Agree re mat solicitor. THere are many things which can be done to protect you from your DH, in whatever form his abuse is taking. Dying is not the answer for you or your kids. Take care and make the call.

Thinking of you.

Sybil, thankyou. You don't know how nice it is for me to hear some kind and friendly words. I never get that from DH or anyone else really. I think I'm craving some kindness and affection and love but there's nobody to give it. There never has been from when I was a child.

I think you crave someone taking care of you - someone doing something to make it better and telling you it will all be ok. Something we need as a child and if our needs are not met then we need it as an adult too. I only lost that feeling after my last bout of therapy - it still pops back if a situation is particularly difficult to handle.

I don't think you're finished with counselling. In fact it sounds like you could do with some psychotherapy, or even EMDR. EMDR worked really well for my early abuse memories c

madmouse has it right for me too OP. This thread is very helpful, I'm so glad you wrote this question :) x

Madmouse, I am craving someone to take care of me. I just want to collapse, give my mind and body and emotions a rest. I take care of my family and think about their needs all the time. But there is literally nobody thinking about me or my needs. Certainly not DH who always puts his needs first. It's so tiring being with him. I have to fight tooth and nail to make sure I get what I need eg to go and have a coffee with a friend and if anything I'm doing clashes with him he expects me to give up what I want/need to do. It's just so exhausting. I'd be better off alone. I'd have to cope with DC's alone but I think I can manage that, especially if I'm not being dragged down by DH all the time.

I'm craving for me to take care of me, right now. I'm learning.

BigGirl, I hope we both find what we need one day.

But I know that this is a need in me that will never be satisfied. Because only a parent will care about you totally and selflessly and endlessly. The way I care about my DC's. If my parents didn't do that in childhood no other person is going to care about me like that as an adult. The time for being cared about and cossetted (sp) and wrapped in cotton wool is gone forever. I never had any of that and the craving for it will never leave me.

Keep posting, girls. People DO care about you. I know you are looking for something which you feel you have missed out on, but as you get better you will feel more able to make friends who will care for you, cherish you and love you. You will of course do the same for them.

Your children also care now of course. Do you mind my asking how old they are?

Still thinking of you both.

jasminrice no other person will ever take care of you the way your parents should have done. What needs to happen now is that you learn to meet your own needs, parent your own inner child and become a stronger adult. And that's why I said you need more therapy. As long as you keep looking for others to meet that need you will run into blind walls. I can tell you it's an amazing kick when you learn to meet your own needs. Not to say I do everything on my own - I seek support, that's part of being an adult. I ask for someone to listen to me, I ask for hugs. But I stand on my own two feet.

I did not bond with my mother and was then severely sexually abused outside the home from ages 7-11 so I do know what it is like. But it can change. You can change.

Sybil, you are very kind. I do have some nice friends. But I know they don't care about me in the way I need. Not their fault at all. I need parental love and care and nobody is going to give that to me now. I had one chance as a child to get that sort of love and care and I never got it.

My DC's are 8 and 6. They are very very sweet, especially my daughter, who is so kind and thoughtful and caring. But it's absolutely not their job and duty to care for me. It's my job to care for them and give them the love I never had for myself and I try my very hardest every day to give that to them. But sometimes I need someone to unselfishly and unconditionally love me. But there's nobody who can do that. There's a big hole in my life in that area that nobody apart from my parents can fill. But I cut contact with my parents a long time ago. They were very toxic and hurtful all my life, especially my mother, who didn't care about me at all. That's why death so often feels a very welcome option. A chance to rest in peace, free from the pain.

Jasmine my therapist is teaching me to re-parent the little girl within me.

Exactly biggirl, just like I said below - you can learn to parent yourself

Yeah, i wrote my post before i read your mouse but gosh! you really know your stuff! x

Hi madmouse and BigGirl, I do understand about the reparenting my inner child and looking after her, I am much better at doing that now than I've ever been. But right now I want someone else to take care of me, look out for me, listen to me and understand me and be on my side. I'm tired of looking after my family and my self.