Don't feel actively suicidal but wouldn't mind if I died eg in an accident

[jasminerice]

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

I was suicidal just over a year ago and definately don't feel like that now. In fact some days I feel quite happy and content. And yet I still have thoughts that I would be fine if I died for some reason. In fact I would be quite glad as then I could die without any guilt.

I have 2 DC's and I know it would be awful for them, but still, I am happy at the thought of dying in an accident or something.

I feel like this. Well, I sway from being actively suicidal on a very bad day (but frustrated because I cannot act upon those urges) and, on a good day, wishing I could fall in front of the bus. It's exhausting. I just want some peace. I feel ever so guilty for feeling like this - I have a wonderful DS who I dote on. But still, I'm tired of fighting, of feeling sad and am tired of life really. I don't want to feel like this forever.

Grockle, I'm so sorry you feel this way too. I also feel exhausted. I'm tired of my life too. And yes I feel guilty for feeling this way. My poor DC's . They are the ONLY reason I carry on and the only reason I didn't actually commit suicide 15 months ago when I was feeling totally suicidal. It's horrible feeling like this. And in my case I do think my relationship with DH is the main cause of my unhappiness. It's not his fault. I think I'm too damaged from my childhood to ever be happy in any relationship. I know that now. I didn't know this when I met and married DH.

My situation is similar - problems with DP (well, with his depression & constant disappearing/ mind games) and issues from my childhood. I just don't see how I can continue to live like this. I want to live, but I don't want it to always be a struggle. And no matter how hard I fight my depressive episodes, it always comes back to haunt me & I feel like I'll never fully conquer it.

I have felt that horrible, awful exhaustion. It is horrendous. I was suicidal and for a long time I also had the desire to die in an accident. In my case, I just needed to lie down for a long time and let myself heal. I know that might not be possible in your case, but believe me, you need to go easy on yourself. If you don't feel up to considering divorce right now, put it out of your mind. The priority is getting yourself healthy, practical things can wait. Are you on anti-depressants at the moment? If not would you consider going to the doctor? And seeking counselling?

Grockle, you've hit the nail on the head. I want to live but I don't want it to be such a struggle. And it's my relationship with DH that is the main if not sole cause of my stress.

I have ended every other relationship that was causing me unhappiness: my parents, my sisters, my PIL, certain friends. Trouble is it's much harder to end it with DH cos he won't go and the DC's who would be unbelievably upset.

Cailin, thankyou for posting. The thought of lying down for a year is sheer bliss. I did have a chance to rest last year. We had to pay for a live out au pair who looked after the DC's whilst I did not very much. It did me the world of good, but we can't afford it any longer.

I am on anti d's, and I have got a counsellor, although am not sure if I like her.

How are you today, Jasmine? Still thinking of you and sending good wishes. Weren't you seeing your counsellor yesterday? Hope it went well if so.

Hello sybil, you are so lovely to think of me. I'm am so touched. Thankyou.

I'm feeling better the last few days. I did see my counsellor on wednesday. We discussed some things she had said which had upset me. She was very good and accepted that she had upset me.

I feel that varying degrees of depression is something I will have to learn to live with for the rest of my life. Don't think I'll ever be 'fixed', too much emotional damage was done during childhood for that to ever happen.

It's very uplifting to know there are people like you out there in the world. And that not everyone is uncaring and cruel like my family.

Glad your meeting with the counsellor went well. Keep talking and keep posting. Lots of people care. You will find a way through. Lots of people are willing to help.

Will be thinking of you and hoping that you have a peaceful week. Take care and very best wishes.

Thankyou sybil. You are very very kind. Wish I could find people like you in rl.

I haven't had a good few days. A 'friend' called me up on friday and out of the blue had a go at me in a very aggressive way because my DD had called to ask if her DD could come for a sleepover. She said I should have called, not DD, but DD has called in a similar way in the past and all has been fine. Anyway I was very shaken up after the phone call and ended up being snappy with poor DS about which I hate myself.

Spoke to DH about it. He contacted the friend's DH and said I was upset as his wife had been v aggressive with me. He said he'd speak to his wife. Then today he said he hadn't spoken to his wife all weekend and did I still want him to speak to her. I said yes but feel bad. As if I'm being unreasonable for wanting him to speak to his wife about her aggression.
I feel as if my feelings just don't matter to anyone. If someone is nasty/aggressive to me I'm just supposed to accept it because the other person has problems which this particular friend does in fact have. But I'm fed up of always letting people treat me badly and saying nothing. I'm not going to be a doormat any more. But when I'm not a doormat I feel bad and guilty and unreasonable for not being a doormat. Or other people make me feel that way like the friend's DH.

I am fed up of relationships. Friends, family, DH. All of them. I'd rather be on my own with a few casual aquaintances. That way nobody can hurt me and I can easily drop anyone who is horrible to me.

I hate being tied into school friendships cos of the DC's. I would never choose to be friends with this person if it weren't for the fact that out DD's are friends.

Hi Jasmine

The thing I have learned over the years about mum friends is that they come in many shapes - some of them I have met I will know for ever (my eldest is 7 and a couple of the girls who had babies at the same time are some of my closest friends) and many of them are just casual. The ONLY thing we have in common is kids the same age, but that's fine, as we don't need to be friends. Friendly, yes, but true friends no. Would it be helpful to think of this woman who is hurting you as not a friend but jsut an acquaintance? Do you need her friendship or even want it?

The sun was out yesterday and it lifted my spirits enormously. Hope it was out where you are too. Thinking of you and sending you warm wishes. Take care, hang on in there and keep talking to me.

You are right about this 'friend'. She's not really a true friend but she's more than just an acquaintance though. Our DD's have been friends for nearly 5 years and so we have got to know each other quite well over the years.

She has now admitted that she was very blunt and rude when she called me up and has properly apologised for upsetting me so I feel much better now about having to maintain a relationship with her due to our DD's.

I feel better but I still have thoughts about dying. I feel so exhausted and burnt out both mentally and physically, I honestly don't know how long I'm going to last. I'm 42 this year and just feel like death would be so welcome as I could then rest in peace with no demands on me again. I am wishing to get a serious illness so I can die without the guilt of suicide.