We can't take much more. Why won't anyone help us

[2wwmadness]

I have posted before about my mil. But ages ago. This could be long. Thanks in advance.
We have just (days ago) moved to the midlands from the north east. That meant dh came here 3 months before me to dtart his contract ehilst i finished mine up there. Dh has had a promotion and is under extraordinary amounts of pressure. Our 1st dc is due in 10 weeks.
Mil lives in s.yorks and is bi-polar. Dh is an only child. Uncle and grandparents past away and mil and fil (amicably) divorced 20 odd years ago. Mil is very ill.
She has always had extreme highs and lows since I have known her (8 years) she was on high dosages of lithium and they were bad but manageable. We used to live in s.yorkshire and could stay with her when things got really bad. In 6 years I can count on one hand the amount of times we had to do that. Mainly highs aswell. The past year has been hell.
Mil came off the lithium due to health implications last year. She had been lowering the dosage and seemed to be coping. Her gp retired and a new one came along.
Que huge huge high most of 2011, giving her house away, boyfriend in Cornwall she was getting taxi's to! Basically obsessed with this man, blowing her money, phone calls to dh lasting till the early hours of the morning with him trying to calm her. She came to us and we went to her where poss. I found out I was pg towards the end of her high. She will only have dh to help her. No-one else is good enough and dh is her everything.
So inevitably the crashing low came. Only it's worse then ever before and resulted in her overdosing before Christmas. She has never done that before. Never attempted suicide. Knocked dh for six!
She spent a weekend in a&e and was then released to the care of an elderly aunt. (in her late 70's) she was there for 2 weeks but caring for her made the aunt Ill and she can't have her. She then went to a friend for a week and the same happened. To cut a long story short the family and friends can't care for her. It's too much.oh she went to an out patient mind-funded place for a weekend too. She's back in her house now.
She has the home treatment team "helping" her. Unfortunately they are useless. They don't turn up when arranged. Won't discuss anything with dh and mil has them completely fooled. They just sent supporting and actually making things worse. Dh and the family have said they will get her sectioned. Home treatment and gp refuse to co-sign. We can't get a medical professional to do it. The thing is I know she knows what to say to them. She's on new medicine too (can't remember the name but I will if someone says it) and she's not refusing them. She has smoked weed like fags since she was a teenager and I know that she hasn't told the gp this. The old gp had been caring for years and knew her father (a gp) before he passed and understood her situation and the family. This gp unfortunately won't even discuss anything with us and I don't know what she's like in the room with him. We have tried for power of attorney but can't afford the fees.
Dh gets 10 phone calls a day easily regarding her. He was having to go to her when he had time off work rather than spend it eith me in our family home whete i had no family or support and was 20+ weeks pg. He is not sleeping, lost a stone since jan and is having nose bleeds. My dh is strong and used to huge pressure. He is a broken man and I've never seen him like this. He is loosing the plot and will admit it.
The strain on our marriage is huge. I'm so so so angry at her for doing this to us. Then I swing to guilt coz she can't help it. I just don't believe that she can't. Deep down. We move away. Start a family of our own and she kicks off to the point dh has her full attention. And I mean full. He doesn't want too. He is starting to resent her but feels do angry/guilty too. We argue if we talk too much about it so we don't really. I offer him an ear to talk to and don't kick up a fuss when he has to go there. Inside I'm seething. He has just completely shut down and won't open up to me.
Anyways, he's there now. Our last week together before the baby comes. I've moved house and found a new house without him being here. I'm a single mum effectively. Dh is broken. He texts me saying she won't be here this time next year and he knows she will do something and he can't stop her.
What can we do. How can we save her life and get ours back. Our marriage is not going to survive this. We havnt spent time together in months. We need professional help. I have spoken to mind and carers helpline and both have given advice I have passed on to dh. Problem is he can't talk to me about it. I don't know what's going on. Our world is falling apart. Our marriage was so strong. Ive had 4 panic attacks this week. This is hell

I'm so sorry. What a horrible situation, I'm not surprised you've reached your limit. My DB has bi-polar, and also smoked pot like fags (the resulting cannabis induced psychosis from doing this is well documented). The problem is that the medication is not going to work effectively whilst she is still using, and not disclosing to medical professionals just exacerbates the situation. Would she, could she, be refered towards addiction support. I've not used but there is narcotics anonymous who also provide support for families if you're getting no help from existing sources.

For you, can you talk to your midwife about this? You need support, so that you can support your poor husband. As I understand it, at my GP's practice pregnant women/new mothers are offered support from the practice psychologist as a priority. Could you ask if something similar available at yours? It's late go and get some sleep. This too will pass.

neither you nor DH can save her.

dh knows that. but he is not realising the implications.

ie by choosing to try to save her he is losing you and family life.

only she can do that.

DH has to decide to set boundaries, accept he cannot control his mothers life (if she commits suicide there is nothing he can do) and he must make the decision to decide to spend more time with you and baby - his family .

Dh can get profressional help / counselling to reach this decision.

stay strong focus on you and baby.

get your own support.

tell h he has to set boundaries and that no he cannot save his mothers life - should she chose to act she will do so - but that he can decide whether or not to put you and baby first.

I'm very sorry but your dh has to start setting limits as to when he sees her and when he speaks to her. So close to the birth of your baby he has to carve out time for you. it may be that she is trying to get him to prove his love for her. It's only when you stop supporting her so much that the professionals will see the state she is in. Even in her current state your dh cannot take responsibility for her in the way he is currently. If she is going he can indeed as others have said not save her.

Why can your dh not talk to you about what is going on? Sounds like you are both seething with anger and resentment and keeping it quiet - that will lead to explosions. Your feelings are totally normal - the anger, the resentment. The fact that she cannot help it doesn't make the feelings less valid.

He says if he starts crying he won't stop. He's giving me bits of information slowly and braking down his barriers. He says he doesn't want to tell he when I'm pregnant as he doesn't want to upset me and feels like he's upsetting our unborn son. He is trying to take I all on so I'm not stressed and I've made him realise this week that I'm fining it more stressful watching him self destruct from a distance. I don't know how to tell him he has to choose us. I can't say it in those words. But how do I tell him he needs to let her go, he will. If he felt there were safety nets in place from the authorities. He says if he lets her "fall" no one will be there to help her and she will succeed in topping herself.
It's such a hard situation. Really we need her to try again. Fail. Go back in hospital and get sectioned. That's such a risk for him to take. The guilt is eating him up. Thanks for all your advice btw. We feel so alone. I don't want our ds to be associated with her dying. That's so selfish and vile of me isn't it

your h needs some one to one counselling and support otherwise he will go under as well. our h needs to go to GP and get some help counselling, meds if needs be.

tell h he needs to get some support for himself - his mother's illness is also giving him stress (read depression fallout)

and you will be even more alone ...

tell h that if he also self destructs then you and baby will be even more alone.

that he cannot help his mother only profressionals and he has to hand over to them.

because you and baby need him too. he has to split timewise and divide his time up.

or he decides to take care of his mther full time - is his choice but he cant do it all. he has to make choices here . he can get a therapist to helm him sor tit out in his head -call rethink, mind etc for carer support

also he ahas to consdier that if she is telling GP etc she is ok then maybe she is actually manipulating your DH and putting things on - (myexP was good at that tho at some points it was genuine - v hard to tell....)

but if she can perform "well" for GP and medical people she could also do so for your H...

he needs to take a hard line here .

she is quite possibly jealous of you and baby.

eg exP would be suiciadl..i would call police to go check on him...they woudl call me alater and say "he was fine".

now - at some point i thought - well actually if he can be fine for police then really, he is quite fine. some of it is manipulation and attention seeking.

if medical people say she does not need sectioning then she doesnt does she?? and it is *their responsibility not your h's if she does die....

your h has to harden and tell his mother: "look you are putting on a good front for them so I am taking their word for it. please dont call me until tuesday. if you need urgent help call 999." he can take responsibility by informing the medical authorities/police if his mother calls suicidal - but leave it to them to go round and sort it out.

at some point i felt my responsibility was complete by informing GP/police etc.

what is the betting that the day you go to ahve baby his mother is calling him ?
decide with h now what your plan will be.

who will he chose?
go with you and call police/999 for his mother - or leave you havin a baby and go to her ?

he could also pay a carer to go stay with her ??

Hello OP, hope today was better.

Hello.
He came back from his mums late last night.
He said it was better. They (the family and my mil) have an action plan and he wrote a letter to the treatment team. 1st stage of implant of their care I would call the letter. All positive steps but still moving way to slow. He had a text this morning from the aunt saying she had never seen her thi food in a while this morning. I'm Compleatly convinced now that she is doing it to a certain extent to keep my dh with her (like in a mean ogre who wouldn't let him see her. Mil and I actually get on when she's stable) Dh said she was really bad when he was there. Tries to kill herself all the time in front of him and it was the worst few days Ect Ect.
Dh and I had a chat last night. I told him I'm struggling. I told him that this will go on forever and he is not responsible for her actions. We can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. He said he knew that but he's gotta feel like he tried to do everything he could. He couldn't just give up on her. I told him everyone else had and would and he may loose everything else trying to save her.
I said I would support him and love him for as long as I can take. But Wong sit around in an empty house with our son waiting for him. I'm prepared to prepared to leave if this effects us like this when our son is here. An me tally I am prepared.
He promised me it would be better by then and this is why it's taken so much of his time now to make sure he can leave her alone in a few weeks time. He talked all the right talk And I can see how deveratated he is and torn and hurt.
It's moving in the right direction. Just too slow in my opinion. It's like he has no idea what life will be like with a baby. He did. Our baby was planned and w talks through every option and he is such a good and loving man. He will be a great father and our marriage is strong. It's like his time is so filled with her it's pushed out all the plans we had. I'm hoping I can make him remember them quick enough

Sorry bout spelling. I'm o my phone

I'm sorry but constantly trying to kill herself in front of him is attention seeking that has little to do with suicide. Or she wouldn't do it in front of him knowing that she won't succeed. If she does it again he should phone 999 or take her to A&E and say how she is behaving.

I agree. He is just too hurt to see I think.

you or your DH should contact treatment team, while they cannot discuss MIL if she hasnt agreed you can still express concerns and they will find this helpful. IME a carers assessment should be offered within one week of initial contact. As carers you need to ask for support as it is also affecting your mental health, please ask

Good to hear that your MIL improving, even better that you and DH have talked constuctively. Hope you're getting lots of rest. I find when my DB not well and it starts to consume my thinking time, that I accept that is how it is and tell myself that I allowed to think about it for an hour a day. Then I allow myself to take the rest of the time off from it. On a break as it were. It works for me. When I start over analysing/thinking the situation, which usually results in self-recrimination I find that my ability to help in an effective way is diminished. Hope that you can find same head-space.

Is anyone still about? He's told me he's not in love with me anymore. He's drinking loads. Crying all the time. Telling me he doesn't want to let us down
(he baby and I) and we deserve better. He's finally snapped I think but not how I thought. I think he's going to leave us. I havnt slept at all. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. What the hell do I do? I have no one in rl to talk to. How did it get to this?

Bump

Oh 2 I am so so sorry. It sounds like your dh has indeed "lost his way" due to the problems with his mother. I don't know, but maybe he thinks he can't do right by either you or his mother and is trying to find a "space" (which actually doesn't exist of course) It sounds like he has become depressed - crying all the time is a sign of depression, and he is trying to self medicate with alcohol to ease the emotional pain. I don't think for a minute he wants to leave you - I think he is truly tormented and doesn't know which way to turn. Did you tell him you would have to leave him if this continued - if so it might have just been the straw that broke the camel's back. Look I'm really sorry - I may well be on the wrong track altogether, as I know so little about you both.

He needs to see a GP to get some help for himself.

This is terrible for you whilst pregnant. You are having panic attacks too.

I suggest you make a double appt with your GP and see if he/she can be any help. One thing is clear - there is no way that he can continue dashing up and down the country to see his mother. I do feel for her as she is mentally ill too, but far too dependent on your dh. You mentioned family getting together to work out this plan - am assuming that there are other family members available. You might have to get a bit tough with your man and stop him rushing off to his mother. As Madmouse says, attempting to end your life in front of someone is attention seeking and hysterical but it has nothing to do with suicide. That is the threat that she holds over your DH and as others have said, if indeed she does commit suicide then so be it. I know that sounds cruel. Mind this won't help at all, as your DH will feel guilty to the rest of his life.

Oh sorry I am rambling, but didn't want this to go unanswered. Maybe someone will come on with better advice.
Madmouse where are you?

have you got anyone else to support you - your family and friends?
have you got any support to deal with your panic attacks?
i live in the w.midlands btw.
got to dash out for a bit but will keep an eye on this thread and hope things pick up a bit for you and your baby.

I'm here but not sure I have much to add. He's panicking, feeling he cannot do right by you and thinking you are better off on your own than with a man who can't cope with his mother. Tell him firmly to shut up and that you're in this together. Then go to the GP together.

you need to call your GP as was said an book appts for both of you.

if h is really out of sorts you can call 999 for an amulance is ok to do that .

talk to your midwife as well.

Hello.
Sorry for the lack of replies. He came home from work yesterday early and I we had some time together. He said he loves us (the baby and I) more than anything. And we will make it work. He's sorry and in free fall. I scared him when I told him I don't know how much I could put up with and he doesn't want to put us through all this. He won't leave. I'm confident in that and feel calmer. I slept last night, so did he for the 1st time in ages. I told him I needed him to stop drinking. He said he needed time to sort things out and for me to be patient a little longer. There is one thing we can start with.
I told him to go to the drs. It will take a bit of incouragememt there! What is it with men and the gp?!? I have the midwife tomorrow and will talk to her. We're moving on Thursday (fingers crossed) closer to his work so we will have more time together. He commutes so far right now.
I just want to lock him away from the world. He's like a little scared boy. He's so stressed and scared of doing the wrong thing. He said he wishes he had another life without all of this. I asked if he meant me as well and he said that would be the only thing he would keep. I beleive him.
Apparently his mum is improving since he's been giving her his n divided attention! Go figure (I don't comment to him, btw) so he's less stressed with her. I'm just dreading what it's going to be like when he backs off from her as she's getting better. I have no trust in her.
The timing of all this is so so so bad. I'm exhausted.

'Apparently his mum is improving since he's been giving her his n divided attention!'

Alarm bells. More a whole orchestra. Red flashing danger signs. You must talk about this, he needs to stop believing that she is really improving because of his attention and start accepting that he is being manipulated in a really unhealthy way.

Glad to hear better news 2ww- I thought your man couldn't have stopped loving you just like that. You mention his drinking. Is this a recent thing or has it been a problem before this crisis. How is it affecting him (and you) and is not good because he will need to help with the new baby.

Agree with madmouse about MIL. He is being manipulated but it is going to be very hard for him to accept this and if you come on too strong about it, this might just add to his guilt and distress about his mother. I think a gentle talk about it, and taking care not to be too critical of his mum is probably the best way forward just now.

Are there no other relatives who could keep an eye on his mom? If so they need to be doing their bit if that's possible.

You are doing fantastically, far better than I did when faced with similar (and I wasn't pregnant). So good that you and DP talking and planning on getting external help. You really are doing all the right things.

Thank you. He has never done the drinking thing before. That's my 1st mission. To get him to stop that. I'm taking it one thing at a time.
Thanks for all your encouragement. There no one else in rl to help and everyone wants to talk about happy baby stuff and how great it must be. How dh must be so excited and what have we bought. I feel my heart break.
I've re located on my own. Found a house on my own (we hopefully move in tomorrow. He's never seen it) bought everything the baby needs (when I get dh for a second and he tells me things he's seen I tell him "I know love, you showed me. I got it 2weeks ago. It's there in that room see" he's so distant and so cold that it actually hurts. But I gotta keep going for the baby don't I.