We can't take much more. Why won't anyone help us

[2wwmadness]

I have posted before about my mil. But ages ago. This could be long. Thanks in advance.
We have just (days ago) moved to the midlands from the north east. That meant dh came here 3 months before me to dtart his contract ehilst i finished mine up there. Dh has had a promotion and is under extraordinary amounts of pressure. Our 1st dc is due in 10 weeks.
Mil lives in s.yorks and is bi-polar. Dh is an only child. Uncle and grandparents past away and mil and fil (amicably) divorced 20 odd years ago. Mil is very ill.
She has always had extreme highs and lows since I have known her (8 years) she was on high dosages of lithium and they were bad but manageable. We used to live in s.yorkshire and could stay with her when things got really bad. In 6 years I can count on one hand the amount of times we had to do that. Mainly highs aswell. The past year has been hell.
Mil came off the lithium due to health implications last year. She had been lowering the dosage and seemed to be coping. Her gp retired and a new one came along.
Que huge huge high most of 2011, giving her house away, boyfriend in Cornwall she was getting taxi's to! Basically obsessed with this man, blowing her money, phone calls to dh lasting till the early hours of the morning with him trying to calm her. She came to us and we went to her where poss. I found out I was pg towards the end of her high. She will only have dh to help her. No-one else is good enough and dh is her everything.
So inevitably the crashing low came. Only it's worse then ever before and resulted in her overdosing before Christmas. She has never done that before. Never attempted suicide. Knocked dh for six!
She spent a weekend in a&e and was then released to the care of an elderly aunt. (in her late 70's) she was there for 2 weeks but caring for her made the aunt Ill and she can't have her. She then went to a friend for a week and the same happened. To cut a long story short the family and friends can't care for her. It's too much.oh she went to an out patient mind-funded place for a weekend too. She's back in her house now.
She has the home treatment team "helping" her. Unfortunately they are useless. They don't turn up when arranged. Won't discuss anything with dh and mil has them completely fooled. They just sent supporting and actually making things worse. Dh and the family have said they will get her sectioned. Home treatment and gp refuse to co-sign. We can't get a medical professional to do it. The thing is I know she knows what to say to them. She's on new medicine too (can't remember the name but I will if someone says it) and she's not refusing them. She has smoked weed like fags since she was a teenager and I know that she hasn't told the gp this. The old gp had been caring for years and knew her father (a gp) before he passed and understood her situation and the family. This gp unfortunately won't even discuss anything with us and I don't know what she's like in the room with him. We have tried for power of attorney but can't afford the fees.
Dh gets 10 phone calls a day easily regarding her. He was having to go to her when he had time off work rather than spend it eith me in our family home whete i had no family or support and was 20+ weeks pg. He is not sleeping, lost a stone since jan and is having nose bleeds. My dh is strong and used to huge pressure. He is a broken man and I've never seen him like this. He is loosing the plot and will admit it.
The strain on our marriage is huge. I'm so so so angry at her for doing this to us. Then I swing to guilt coz she can't help it. I just don't believe that she can't. Deep down. We move away. Start a family of our own and she kicks off to the point dh has her full attention. And I mean full. He doesn't want too. He is starting to resent her but feels do angry/guilty too. We argue if we talk too much about it so we don't really. I offer him an ear to talk to and don't kick up a fuss when he has to go there. Inside I'm seething. He has just completely shut down and won't open up to me.
Anyways, he's there now. Our last week together before the baby comes. I've moved house and found a new house without him being here. I'm a single mum effectively. Dh is broken. He texts me saying she won't be here this time next year and he knows she will do something and he can't stop her.
What can we do. How can we save her life and get ours back. Our marriage is not going to survive this. We havnt spent time together in months. We need professional help. I have spoken to mind and carers helpline and both have given advice I have passed on to dh. Problem is he can't talk to me about it. I don't know what's going on. Our world is falling apart. Our marriage was so strong. Ive had 4 panic attacks this week. This is hell

Just a quick question, is it possible to be manipulated by a bi polar sufferer? Or is it the illness. I've never experienced this in my family until I met dh. I try and understand the illness but I get confused with personality traits and being Ill. Does she know she's doing it? Doers it on purpose are can she not help it?

Yes I see what you mean and why you are asking. I know I posted something about yr MIL being manipulative. I don't know a great deal about bi-polar. I suffer from intermittent depression and anxiety, and for me I canot help feeling flat and empty and miserable when it strikes, and attempts by anyone to "cheerup" just make me worse, as I know how much I want to be "me" but am not able to be.

On balance I would say that no one can "help" having any mental illness, be it bi-polar or anything else, and in its acute phase then NO I don't think anyone can help feeling as they do (but i can only speak from my own experience)

The thing about your MIL is that she seems to have decided that it isonly her son who can help her - thus she is wanting her son to parent her and that's the difficulty because he cannot fulfil this role. Also the thing about trying to attempt suicide in front of him could be seen as manipulative, but it can also be seen as a "cry for help" or to demonstrate how bad she feels, or just to keep him with her (which is manipulative really) Two big changes in her life have occurred - retirement of the old GP who understood her and the new one who will have a different view, but might be more up to date in drugs for bi-polar. Also your move to the Midlands from S. Yorkshire, which must make her feel abandoned to some extent, hence the 20 phone calls. I wonder if there is a deterioration in her illness because of the move away, but there again this could be because she feels bereft and that has caused her deterioration. I do however think that she is to a large extent trying to make you dh feel guilty, and of course she is succeeding.

I honestly don't know - mental illness is such a strange illness and I think it's probably true that some mentally ill people have some emotions in common, it is also very individual.

Sorry I can't be more helpful......I'm going round in circles. Incidentally I live in the Midlands - do you want to PM me to let me know where you are, though of course it's a big county. NN x

I can only speak from my own experience with DB, but when he is ill, either with the depression or mania, there is no manipulation. He struggles to engage in constructive conversation, let alone have the ability to think out or act out manipulatively. The closest I can get to this is an inability to take any responsibility. He is very passive, but I see this as part of his condition. When he is well he is not manipulative, but can be evasive when we try to get to bottom of drug taking and finances. Not lies and deceit, rather bunny in headlights and lots of I don't knows and can't remember. When well he is a rather quiet, calm, easy-going, very loving person. Hope house move goes well. No lifting - that's an order!

Firstly let me say I am sorry for your situation I really am in fact I often have nightmares that my son will one day face the situation you and your DH are in which is why I decided to post on this thread. No one can really answer whether it is your MILs illness or not, I am afraid but remember bipolar is not prejudiced it can effect good people and bad Some people who dont like attention will refuse to use the illness as a excuse for anything and get upset by attention and pity given because of it (like me) but while epsiodal are very attention seeking and others are people who like attention and will use the illness for as much attention as possible whether they have a episode or not you need to think about your MILs personality when she is normal free of symtoms and decide based on that. But as a sufferer I can tell you how I react When high I shut everyone out and just want to party I go missing for days and get very aggressive if anyone I know tries to help me.

When depressed I am scared to be alone because the voices in my head are more active when its just me and tell me to kill myself, in this state the thought of being alone is so dreadful that I will do anything to avoid it including grabbing knifes and cutting myself in front of my partner so he doesnt leave me alone and various other self harming things like dipping my hands in petrol and lighting them. But in my normal state I hate attention and actually get ratty if I dont have time to myself, I never attention seek and have been told off by doctors for ignoring dangerous physical pains because I dont want a fuss. When mixed I do a bit of both.

But my advice is this if it is the illness then your MIL would probably be upset that her son lost his DW because of her and while normal will tell him not to put her first, if its not the illness then really she doesnt deserve him to help at the expense of himself either way I think your DH should take a step back and sort his own life out he cannot help anyone if he is depressed and drinking.

But when MIL is better you all need to sit down and get some guidelines sorted between the three of you.Discuss her illness and have her write a plan at what point she wants admittance and how her previous episodes have been as they will give some insight as to how her next ones will be and help you all know what to expect better and how to react. Sorry thats all I can give this is just my experience though hope it helps in someway.

My grandmother was diagnosed as bipolar years ago and acted much the same, minus the weed smoking but she drank a hell of a lot instead. She was incredibly manipulative and self centred, I have to think that maybe the bipolar thing meant she was utterly inward looking and unable to empathise with others or put their needs above hers. So I think they can help it to some extent but perhaps their illness prevents them seeing why they should, if you see what I mean?

My mum is an only child too and the strain on her and then me was enormous. Incidentally, my grandmother is still around, we were told about 8 years ago that she had been misdiagnosed in the 1980s and she came off lithium etc over a few months. We still think she may have a personality disorder but she's in her 80s now and age and gin seemed to have slowed her right down to almost normal sometimes.

It's all very sad isnt it? I really feel for you, we used to go round and round in circles looking for a resolution on how best to handle her but there was no easy answer.

dont know where you can separate MH bipolar stu versus personality [disorder] of it but my exP is hugely manipulative - but i think is apart personality as well. all the drama catastrophising -that is him too. and my friend with a siblin with MH issues describes the same stuff.

of cours eshe geting beter with his undivided aention...hmm let's see when baby comes and he ash to pay atenion elsewhere she will suddenly fall super il right? you can see it coming...it is manipulation.

your h needs someone to talk to about this and fast - you have new baby coming and cannot afford to be patient.

your h needs to let go of his mother for next few monhs and ahd over her care to someone else otherwise you and baby will lose out.

and it sounds as if your h is getting depressed/stressed - h needs to go to gp now today - and no ask you to be patient.

you need to get someone else on board to support you when baby comes - because reality is your MIL will pull a stunt/genuinely try to kill herself/demand attention from her son.

or you nee d h's firm commitment he will let go of MIL - put somone else in charge of her - for thedue date and beyond.

That's a really interesting and thoughtful post crawling and you sound like you are suffering a great deal, yet can still reach out to someone else in distress. Mind I think that helps somtimes doesn't it - MN has got me through many a dark hour (or day) Cagney's post is informative too and I think these posts from people who have had relatives who suffer fro, bi-polar or are sufferers themselves are going to be the most uself to you.

When is your baby due btw?

Hi everyone. Thanks for your replies. Baby due end of April. I've been to the midwife today and she has referred me to the councillor, baby's fine though. I just feel shit and take no pleasure in anything. Haven't seen dh since 7am Tuesday morning. He stayed in a hotel as he had a big meeting in the city. I'm paranoid he's cheating. I couldn't take that and it would be the end. My instincts are screaming at me. But he swears he isn't and I have no real proof. He takes his phone everywhere though, he didn't used to do that. Think I'm going mad. I don know. How do you go from being totally in love best our relationship has been to "I'm not in love with you anymore" in a month without someone else?! He said he just learned to be on hs own and I just need to give him time. I dunno. I'm just numb.
interesting about the personality vs illness perspectives. I guess I am harsh on her at times. Just not sure where I fit in in my own families life anymore.

Oh 2ww - you sound as though you are depressed - glad midwife has referred you to a counsellor. Just don't know what to say about your man. Difficult to know whether you are overthinking this, or whether your instincts are right. Bit worrying about the phone going everywhere - I would challenge him on this. I wouldn't have thought he would have the physical or emotional strength to be cheating, given his worries over his mother and not wanting to let you down. Have to say though that "I'm not in love with you anymore" is suspicious. Have you got any RL friends/ family who can support you.

You might just be imagining all this, as you say your dh has had a promotion, so it's unsurprising that he will have to spend nights away from home. I am so sorry that you are going through this, at a time when you should be concentrating on the birth of your baby.

Maybe ask him to show you his phone - like now so he doesn't have time to delete anything. If he has nothing to hide he will show you.

Take care and keep us posted. Have your PM and answered it. NNx

Glad to see you have a counsellor lined up especially before the baby arrives and you get hit with the sleep deprivation and hormonal highs/lows that any new born brings. I also think you need to push your DH to get some help either independently or with you. He must be going through an emotional roller coaster with the problems with his mum and also the anticipation of the baby.

Its just a thought but it could be he needs time by himself because there is so much pressure on him with the combination of events - new role, move, baby and mother. It could even be that the "other woman" is his mother - if he knows you get stressed by all her calls, maybe he is trying to hide some of it from you. You did mention that he has said he wants to avoid putting the stress on you. Equally if you've had discussions about you being prepared to leave that could be a reason for him saying he isn't in love with you - sort of giving you an out, again because of the burden.

Frankly none of us knows and its all speculation, but I do hope your counsellor can help you sort through some of these issues/thoughts and also give you the strength to sit down as a couple to start talking this through.

As I mentioned in my PM my heart goes out to you as the timing is utterly crap, but I really would urge you two to find some time (preferably without drink or only a very small amount) to talk openly about all this and the baby. When the baby comes your relationship and you as individuals will be put under a lot of stress - obviously this is a huge generalisation but I do think most new parents find the whole thing destabilising for at least the first while, if only due to lack of sleep. And if you haven't got through some of the talking before hand then that could be a very difficult period for you.