To be considering going back on ADs, when things are looking up

[desperatenotstupid]

I spent two years of my life on citalopram - ws havin a shit time, PND, gall stones, bereavement and insurmountable debts. It all manifested itself as health anxiety and I think I have had scans for most things . I had counsellin for over a year but it didnt work, it was just an excuse to winge for an hour

Things are better now, we have the debts under control(we have a DMP), DD2 is at school, i have no gall bladder! I am more positive, doing some voluntary work, but stil unable to get a job.

I spend most of my time fretting about things that haven't happened yet, my DP is a builder, we have a few months work lined up so we need to be positive with our advertising, we havent had to advertise before as word of mouth has usually bought in enough work. I have pretty much exhausted all the possibilities in the school playground . So in my mind, we will be on the bones of our arse, i have visions of not being able to feed DD and losing the house. In fact part of me wants to lose the house and be given a council place because at least i wouldn't have to be worrying about losing it all the time. (dont flame me, i dont really want that to happen but at least i would feel secure in my own home).

I had a job interview last week for a job i could do standing on my head but didnt get it becaue ive been out of the work place for too long. I am volunteering for a friend, it might lead to something but actually not too hopeful, stupidly specialised but its something. I have also contact the volunteer beaureaux to try and get some admin work, they have passed on my details and im waiting to hear more.

So im DOING all the positive things, but i am paralysed by anxiety - i was a cunt to DP all day yesterday, sorry for the language but there is no other way to to describe the way i behaved.

I enjoy working with my friend but its challenging and i fret that i can't do it, then i get stressed because the house is in such a state and think i should stay home and have a clear out - but then i just convince myself we are going to lose it. We are up to date with our mortage (some small arrears to be cleared up only £200) and we were at the point of reposession before, we have cleared up to 4k of mortgage debt, cleared all of our gas and electric debts so things are BETTER, so so much better than they were.

I am thinking if i were to just go back on the medication i might even out, but i dont want to be on drugs for the rest of my life. My DP doesnt want me back on the meds, he said i was like a zombie. I weaned myself down to about 5mg citalopram every other day before i stopped but the anxiety has never left me :( Now i feel it is getting worse, i think i stopped taking meds nearly two years ago.

I want to have cbt but no way can i afford it and there is a two year waiting list for NHS therapists, i dont want normal counselling again, it made me worse.

I have no words for you, because I just can't think of what to say.

But all I can do is offer you a friendly ear, if you ever want to vent. You feel free to PM me all you want. I'm currently struggling with PND and am battling through it so if you ever want to chat, I'm here.

[hugs]

I promise, things will get better. They can always try you on a different antidepressant. I'm on Fluoxetine twice a day and it's really helped my anxiety.

xxx

Hi OP, it looks like you've been to hell and back! Well done for getting things back under control, it is a HUGE achievement!

You say you have weaned yourself progressively, I am no expert I only have my own experience to draw on, but I remember my GP telling me not to do it and follow her weaning plan instead. It might have affected your recovery? Maybe you should speak to your GP again, they might be able to help.

You don't need to overthink it. If there is a medicine available that will make you feel better, take it. Anxiety is a funny beast, it can strike when there's nothing 'wrong'.

I had CBT and to be honest I'm not sure it's a cure all when it comes to anxiety. I found it was the pills that helped me to cope.

Thankyou stealth, I got your PM, it was very kind and the D:Ream bit made me smile as i am a huge Prof Cox Fan, althogh i have to admit i didnt know he was even in a boy band until recently.

Morris, if i could just take the pills when i was anxious i would do it in and instant, its the whole having to take them when i am "OK" and not really wanting to be off my face or in cloud cuukoo land when i actually need to be stepping up to the plate and helping to bring work in for DP. OR getting a job myself but i am starting to give up on that ever happening :(

Another thing is, i have a mirena coil that is due to come out, or was, in september last year but the bloody thing wouldnt come out and i have to have it out surgically. This was supposed to happen in January but i have heard nothing. Was told that it can actually be an effective contraceptive for 7 years and this is the case in other countries but over here it is 5 years. I am wondering if the hormone levels are dropping as i am noticing a definate cycle to my moods, i was virtually pscychotic yesterday.

I just want my DP to be proud of me, although im "better" i am still not the person i was before it all went to shit - he isn't either, he has had so much to cope with, mostly the debts and the pressure of beoing the sole breadwinner for so long.

Time to talk to the doc i think, the trouble is, she is very understanding but cant offer anything really, her hands are tied by lack of funding.

The mental health charity Mind provide therapy services (one of which will probably be CBT) at an income related charge. If your local branch runs in the same way as mine you can refer yourself online; they will then call you to arrange an assessment and fix the rate you will pay for each session. It can be as little as a fiver you pay if things are tight.

Morris is right. Anxiety can be triggered by situations or experiences but can also come from seemingly nowhere. You have come this far and you can and will go further. Strength can come from the most unexpected of places... If you need to cope for a while then the ADs could be what helps you through. Mind should also be able to advise on these and a glance through some of their material or a chat with them could help your DP too. Good luck.

It sounds like your anxiety is becoming overwhelming and you would benefit from seeing your GP for ADs while you wait to be referred for CBT.
I did find CBT really helpful but the ADs helped to get my anxiety under control so that I could learn the CBT techniques.
There is no shame in having to take ADs again, anxiety often doesn't respect your personal circumstances and can strike even when everything should be ok.

Hello Op
So sorry to hear about this - not sure that AIBU is the right place for your thread - so we'll move it now
All very best to you -
MN Towers

Another thing that worries me is that i have suicidal thoughts some time, not that im suicidal, im really not i have a lovely family to live for, but sometimes i just go through the whle thing in my head, we have a bit of suicide alley near us, train crossing has taken 5 lives over the past year, and it plays on my mind sooo much. I picture just standing there and not being able to move, will it hurt? When i know i DONT want to do it. I would worry that going back onto an SSRI might actually make me do it as i know having suicidal thought is a contra-indication for these meds.

i think you should try some new ads, you should find one that helps the anxiety but doesnt affect you in other ways

Did the citralopran help when you were taking it? I've been on it for about 18 months now and found it made a real difference, but did take some time to be fully effective. I'm on 40mg daily, don't feel like a zombie or anything and it doesn't stop me feeling sad/happy, but it seems to take the edge of feeling so stressed that I can't focus or do anything really. My GP puts it like this - if your iron levels were low, you'd need iron, with depression etc your serontonin levels are low so you need that - and it needs to be taken regularly to build up your stores, even on days when you feel OK.
You need to congratulate yourself though - you've obviously been through so much and are still in the land of the living, and that in itself is a famntastic achievement. Be kind and gentle to yourself and talk to your GP.

You are all so kind, i am going to talk to my doctor again, i just don't want to think that i might be depressed again. But the way i am is not right, its like being on a tightrope the whole time. Even when things are good, its like, don't enjoy it too much in case its taken away. Then i read threads on here where people have real problems and i feel pretty pathetic