Miserable, pointless and it's all my own fault....

[cowardlycow]

I've changed my name because I'm embarrassed. I've been suffering with depression/anxiety/dodgy general health for years, and generally I just cope with it. I manage panic attacks, nightmares, headaches and other depression-related symptoms pretty mechanically these days and don't usually need to ask for help any more. I am a SAHM and have a very close, good relationship with my husband and children
At the moment, though, I am sliding deeper and deeper into black misery and can't seem to control it. My usual strategies are not working. Bad experiences which I thought I was dealing with OK - if not totally "over" them - are coming up and consuming me. I am suffering sleeplessness, waking nightmares, shaking, confusion, terror. I'm sitting at the computer now, dh is at work, one child is having a nap and the other is reading - I have got wave after wave of terror coursing through me, my hands are shaking and I keep crying for no reason.
I have a long-term problem with my very badly depressed and needy mother who is going through an episode of aggressive, accusatory, irrational behaviour. It happens every few years and I always cope really badly - it rakes up bad childhood feelings and I basically live in terror when she is like this. She bombards me with abusive screaming phone calls and emails, sends letters....I won't go into too much detail, but it is pretty miserable, and this time I was already in a bad state when it started.
My son started nursery last week and I am trying so hard to cope with all this and not let anything affect him. I grew up with an unpredictable selfish violent depressive for a mother and don't want the same for my children. I'm not violent or aggressive but I do worry that they will pick up on how miserable I am and it will make them anxious.
I feel pathetic. I am the only person still prepared to deal with my mother, which means not only that I am a despicable weakling but that I have no choice. She will definitely attempt suicide and possibly succeed if I try to distance myself. She did so two years ago (attempted) because I saw my brother for the first time in five years and he didn't want to see her. I can't go on like this and I can't change anything. I feel suicidal, and I hate myself for that too because I adore my dh/children and couldn't bear the thought of hurting them.

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I don't have contact with my brother, or my sister because neither of them has contact with my mother, and if she gets wind of me being in contact with either of them she has one of these terrible episodes. My brother spent two days with us, met my son for the first time, and then had to leave because she called every half hour screaming, crying and making accusations. I haven't heard from him since. I don't even know where he is.

I have tried the Samaritans. I've had counselling during several periods over the years, and ADs, and beta-blockers for anxiety, and various other treatments. It just doesn't seem to help... maybe I don't heal normally or something. I can talk until I'm blue in the face about some of the things that have happened to me but they don't stop hurting. Thanks for the suggestion though.

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It sounds like you have a lot on your plate atm, cc. Do you have a CPN ? This downward spiral must be terrifying for you. Does your mother have any involvement with psychiatric health services ? I wish I had more advice for you.

Just hold on a minute! What is all your fault? I cannot see anything in your post that could possibly be your fault!

As for your mother, contact a social worker. She obviously needs professional help and support, it is far too much for you to deal with yourself. It is making you ill. I am not surprised you are anxious.

I agree colditz. You are blaming yourself for things that are NOT your fault.

Got to agree with ggglimpopo but I know it is impossible to walk away in this situation.

Don't know what to suggest other than to see a counsellor - I know you have done before but maybe you need to keep at it - just because you talk about somethign doen't make it go away. What you need are strategies for dealing with the hurt you feel and for dealing with the emotional blackmail from your mother.

When she phones to abuse you just calmly say - I will not listent to this and hang up. Keep doing it - no matter now many times she calls. She is an adult and is responsible for her own actions. Has she been to a doctor??

I wish I had more useful advice for you but agree with every word of ndp and gggl's posts.
My own mother has mental health problems in her family and made the hard decision to cut a sibling right out of her life even though this individual was in need of support, because she was worried about how it would affect us. We were tiny at the time and had not a clue about this decision and how hard it was for my mum to do this and live with it afterwards. The sibling threatened to kill self and children, come round and torch our house etc, my mother lived with this hell for years.
There is nothing "despicably weak" about wanting to try and support a relative with a serious psychiatric illness cc, more like compassionate unselfishness IMO.
BUT for the sake of your children and with the support of your good-sounding dh, maybe the time has come to ensure your mother has CPN and other health professional support, and concentrate on your own mental and physical wellbeing.

Dear cc can't families be diabolical? Exercise and/or meditation even if only 10-15 mins a day or every other day can help enormously ime. I'm sending you positive thoughts of wellbeing.

Thanks for all your comments everyone. I suppose it would be best if i could involve someone like the CPN or social services. It just worries me that she would get rid of them very easily and things would be ten times worse. She is quite devious and has lots of experience at dealing with people of that sort.

It's not just her. It's everything at once. I just can't seem to do anything right.

you are neither cowardly or a cow. the situation with your mother sounds intolerable - I think that you would benefit from referral to a psychologist or CPN to help you cope with this, along with the other strains in your life. Clearly your mother is in need of professional help, but as you say, she may well cast it off/not comply. You need support through this scenario too. If you are who I think you are, some recent threads on MN may also have been unhelpful in stirring up unpleasant memories. You obviously care a great deal about the impact your behaviour has on your children; that is an enormous start in protecting them, just having the self awareness that they have feelings too. If you want to chat further, don't hesitate to e-mail me on [email protected]

Thanks mummytosteven, I really appreciate your support. You're quite right that stuff has been surfacing on mumsnet, and it has been a bit of a weird week. Things always seem to happen all at once. I ought to go to the doctor and try to get some help really.

Oh, BRILLIANT. Now I've gone and outed myself. I would make a rotten spy. Oh well, here I am, large as life and twice as stupid. I can't even LIE without making a pig's ear of it.

MOM. Sorry you have been having a hard time recently. I have been reading your posts and i agree with MTS.

I dont think you are a cowardly cow.

Please CAT me if you want to talk.
x

Nothing new to add I'm afraid, just didn't want to read the thread without contributing. I agree with advice already given here, that you are not to blame for this situation, you are certainly not cowardly, and that your mother needs to take responsibility for herself. You can't be responsible for everyone and everything. I think it's awful that you have no contact with your brother or sister because of your mother.
Please get some professional help (for both of you). You don't deserve this abuse. You sound like such a loving mother, I hope things improve soon for you.

Don't keep putting up with this situation though. x

MOM, my mother sounds very much like yours. If you want to, CAT me or ask mummytosteven for my email.

Cowardly?? No! I think it's OK not to be 'over it'. People don't expect, say, people whose children have been murdered to 'get over it'. You learn to cope, yes, and you can be happy again, but it can't be as if it never happened because it did. You need to give yourself permission to be horribly upset, angry, sad, all those feelings which you have because you are a human being. Dealing with your mother does NOT make you a weakling. Quite the contrary. I say to my little boy, 'You aren't brave if you dont' feel afraid. Being brave is feeling frightened but doing it anyway'. NOw my four year old can understand that and I'm damn sure that a clever grown up like you can get it too. You have a choice, and you are choosing to do the difficult, scary thing, and that's unbelievably brave. But do not ever think there is ever a 'definitely' about your mother's behaviour or that you would be to blame whatever happened.
What are you really afraid of? WHat is the worst thing that could happen?
As for not seeing your siblings. That has to stop. Your mother cannot make you do this. She is behaving like a two year old. And you know what happens to two year old when you do everything they say - they get worse.
I would recommend calling your siblings and confiding in them.

Don't be tyrannised by the phone either. It's only a phone and can be unplugged.

"What is the worst thing that can happen" - I'll have to think about that one. I honestly don't know what I'm actually afraid of. I do believe deep down that if someone is miserable/ill enough to commit suicide it can't possibly be the fault or responsibility of one other person. But she frightens me and flusters me, she pushes all my buttons, and I get all tied up in knots and start shaking and can't think straight. If I can hang on to one thought "What am I actually afraid of?" it is just smoke and mirrors.

I can't overstate the value of finally having some support and advice. Thanks so much. I hope I can do the same for others on MN (if I don't get driven out with pitchforks for having obnoxious views)

MOM, I enjoy your posts - they're not obnoxious, they're robust
Do get in touch. I haven't paid the CAT charge and don't want to publicise my email on here as it's my surname and there's only one of me in all of Google, but MTS and one or two others have it.

Oh, not pitchforks darling, flaming torches!
Stay with the 'what's the worst that could happen' - because I can bet you anything that even that won't happen.
Do you miss your siblings?
You are a good person. You are doing very well. You are not your mother's keeper, even if it feels like that.
When you feel wobbly -post.

FIL - have lost your e-mail when had to reformat the hard drive (ooops!)- e-mail me on [email protected]

Sorry to be reviving this thing but I have had an awful night. I spent the whole night having terrible vivid nightmares and woke up crying.

My mother sent me a long rambling email last week saying basically that I had broken her heart and ruined her life and that I am cruel, and that I planned all along to break up her relationship with her grandchildren etc. I sent a very logical and clear reply standing my ground without being abusive and setting out clearly how I view the situation and the fact that I am not going to change my mind, and that if her inability to accept someone else's boundaries means that she doesn't see the children then it's sad for everybody.

She has completely ignored me since then - several days - and I know she is leaving me to stew. I know from previous experience that she will be going downhill, drinking, destroying other aspects of her life and generally geting herself into a really appalling state.... any minute the horrific phone calls and letters and deliveries could start. I know I'm being silly but I can't think straight at all. I haven't slept properly since it started. I feel as though I am suffering from some horrible malaise-like illness and won't recover from it until things are "safe" again. My breathing has gone all strange and I feel sick all the time, I feel totally weak and exhausted. I had ME years ago and it started a lot like this. I know I sound very jolly and normal on MN a lot of the time, but that's because I have had years of doing this and I am good at it - I managed to finish my degree even though I could barely walk - and because MN is a lifeline, I have been without female company (apart from my mother!) for a long time.

My children have got a virus and are being sick, dh has got to go to work, I have got to function. I have been coping by spending a lot of time on here!! taking my mind off things, and so far my boys don't know anything is wrong. I've even felt tempted to call her just to break the tension, but she will take it as a retraction of what I've said, and when she finds out it isn't she will accuse me of playing with her. There isn't anything I can do to avoid the onslaught.

your mother is choosing to react in a self-destructive way when things don't go 100% as she wishes. don't blame yourself if she is getting into a state (I suspect amongst the maelstrom of emotions you are sitting here feeling guilty). Sounds feeble in terms of avoiding the onslaught, as I think Aloha said earlier on, unplug the phone if she calls you, don't read her letters.

I know this sounds terribly easy to say, but I can't see any benefits to you and your family from continuing contact with your mother. It sounds like it makes you terribly unhappy.

MTS - planning to email you later (dodgy email atm - that's what comes of being married to a computer programmer) Thanks for always being so supportive. It's true that the relationship is a millstone, but I do feel cruel - I do bear responsibility for allowing her to believe that I wanted it and was happy to see so much of her. It is partly my fault for not having the guts to do this earlier, and for letting her form bonds with my children. But then again I'm not saying she can never see them, just that it has to be on my terms.... and I have this suspicion that she doesn't care much about seeing them anyway, it's just all about power. I wish I could be sure.