Miserable, pointless and it's all my own fault....

[cowardlycow]

I've changed my name because I'm embarrassed. I've been suffering with depression/anxiety/dodgy general health for years, and generally I just cope with it. I manage panic attacks, nightmares, headaches and other depression-related symptoms pretty mechanically these days and don't usually need to ask for help any more. I am a SAHM and have a very close, good relationship with my husband and children
At the moment, though, I am sliding deeper and deeper into black misery and can't seem to control it. My usual strategies are not working. Bad experiences which I thought I was dealing with OK - if not totally "over" them - are coming up and consuming me. I am suffering sleeplessness, waking nightmares, shaking, confusion, terror. I'm sitting at the computer now, dh is at work, one child is having a nap and the other is reading - I have got wave after wave of terror coursing through me, my hands are shaking and I keep crying for no reason.
I have a long-term problem with my very badly depressed and needy mother who is going through an episode of aggressive, accusatory, irrational behaviour. It happens every few years and I always cope really badly - it rakes up bad childhood feelings and I basically live in terror when she is like this. She bombards me with abusive screaming phone calls and emails, sends letters....I won't go into too much detail, but it is pretty miserable, and this time I was already in a bad state when it started.
My son started nursery last week and I am trying so hard to cope with all this and not let anything affect him. I grew up with an unpredictable selfish violent depressive for a mother and don't want the same for my children. I'm not violent or aggressive but I do worry that they will pick up on how miserable I am and it will make them anxious.
I feel pathetic. I am the only person still prepared to deal with my mother, which means not only that I am a despicable weakling but that I have no choice. She will definitely attempt suicide and possibly succeed if I try to distance myself. She did so two years ago (attempted) because I saw my brother for the first time in five years and he didn't want to see her. I can't go on like this and I can't change anything. I feel suicidal, and I hate myself for that too because I adore my dh/children and couldn't bear the thought of hurting them.

you have my sympathy too, I have 'issues' with my Mother also and yet she never changes. you will get through this.

Don't call her. It is not your fault she is like this.
I know it must be so hard to do but concentrate on yourself and your children. Cope as best you can and come and scream on here when you need to but please don't give in to her manipulating her.

guilt, guilt and more guilt coming through from your posts! bad behaviour in most areas of life/relationships has consequences, why should your mother be immune.

MOM -
See my reply to you on Catsnoise's thread (Has anyone ever told their mum...).
I have been through something very, very like what it sounds like you are facing if you stick to your guns. I survived and am a freer person for it. I wouldn't claim to be completely extricated (as I think I say above, I contacted my parents to ask them to have at least a relationship with ds - with doubtful success, and I've no idea whether I'll be able to handle our meeting), but the living in abject terror of what'll come next, the subjugation of vast parts of my life to my mother's bizarre ideas, is over. My IBS has gone away too
It is about power, it's about control, it's about having you within her 'grasp' iyswim.
I agree with mts. (Do get my email from her). And I want to say you can do this.

The trouble with extricating myself is that she lives twenty miles away and will just plague me. I moved here when I left university, to put some distance between us, and she sold her house and followed me. She would make sure we were in each other's path all the time. Sorry I sound so defeatist, but I don't think I will ever be free

two thoughts spring to mind that will make you shriek with horror 1)move away and don't give her your new contact details 2)police/solicitor and injunction. What you describe sounds as if it could constitute harassment.

Injunction - scary! Wouldn't she have to do something physically violent? I don't think I could go through with that, I'd have to see her in in court, it would be awful. DH and I do fantasise about moving sometimes, but his job is quite specialised and it wouldn't be easy.

Would I have to see her in court? Can I get an injunction without having to? If anyone knows I'd be grateful.

MOM, sadly there are many of us on the site here who have mothers with mental health issues (in fact, at one time, I think there was a sort of support thread going on but don't know where that is now).

It is an INCREDIBLY hard issue to manage - dealing with your own mentally ill mother fills everyone with dread and terrible guilt. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself for any of it. I also think that even if you did cut her off from yourself (whether by location or injunction), there will still be a point where you eventually deal with her and it may be that now is the time in your life when you need to go and get serious counselling about why you are feeling the way you are and the effect this has all had on your life.

MoM - havent read all the posts but...

I had a relationship with my mum that sounded very similar to yours. After I had both my dds I was haunted by horrible things that had happended in my childhood (including my mum coming at me with a knife, finding her in the bath with slit wrists). I couldn't understand why I was having flashbacks after having my children. I spoke to my hv who turned out to be a trained CBT therapist. Having CBT turned my life around. I now have very limited contact with my mother and see her behaviour for waht it is - control.

If you wish to contact your borther and sister I suggest you do so. I strongly recommend you do this in conjuction with a good therapist - I made small steps prompted by my therapist who set me tasks every week that I had to accomplish. I was very lucky. I still get very blue about it all sometimes and find it hard to believe that anyone can treat their own children in this harsh and uncaring way. Sympathies Enid X

Agree with foxinsocks - whatever you do, you will need support. CBT is great for finding the courage and impetus to change set patterns of thought and behaviour (such as, indeed, that lurch in the stomach, that rising of bile when the phone rings and it might be her). It's worth knowing there probably won't be a lot of in-depth discussion of events and issues from your childhood if you take the CBT route.
How do you feel about the idea of simply stopping contacting her, letting all her calls go to the answerphone, not letting her in if she comes round? Maybe following a period of that up with a letter in which you state your terms for her seeing your children (with the briefest of explanations why - nothing she can seize on and twist)? Then, if she does harass you, threatening an injunction. Just a thought, and possibly more than you can contemplate now, but a thought nonetheless.

This might help provide an antidote to guilt re your mother.

thanks for that FIT

now have to hide damp eyes from work colleages

WOW FoundInTranslation - that is very very thought-provoking. I really think that is the way I feel about my kids - it's so different from my mother (and lots of her generation by the sound of it)

MoM, I don't know what to suggest about this hideous and impossible situation with your mother, which I was only half aware of till reading this. But I just wanted to send you some good thoughts (and I bet cod will be along to give you a big sloppy HUG later )

You sound such a fab mother and I am always in awe of people who seem to instinctively get the parenting thing, despite having these terribly damaging relationships with their own mothers. Be proud of yourself for that.

MoM - yes I think my earlier post was rather brief and ill thought out, and other posters are quite right, re:suggestion of CBT. As foxinsocks said, CBT won't look in detail at your childhood, but focus more on how you feel/deal with situations now. I have gone down the CBT route and found it extremely helpful (primarily for OCD/anxiety).

MOM big hugs. I don't know what it's like for you and I won't pretend to, however I have nursed my own mother through masses of tears caused by my grandmother. My mum is second eldest of 6 children and each and every one of them struggles to find a nice thing to say about my gran. She attempted suicide many times when they were youngsters though always when they were at home to 'save' her, this only stopped when she threatened yet again to o/d and my mum at 14yrs old said "go on then mother, I can look after the little ones, I already do". She stole their savings from their rooms after they'd started work even though they gave her most of their money for lodge, never any money for food yet she ate well at the pub (grandad was away working), the kids had to pay the rent man once they'd started work - and still pay board, she burnt mum with a red hot poker just below the eye when she was about 7yo, always had to be the centre of attention, my uncle was her sole carer for 30yrs - he's just turned 60 and his last relationship was almost 40yrs ago - she made him get rid of his last chance of happiness, even as a grandchild I have no fond memories of her, in fact I can go so far as to say I'm glad she's dead. She used to hit my brother and myself round the head with her walking stick if we got too noisey. She was a wicked, wicked woman with IMO serious mental problems. When we (mum,bro and myself) went to tell her my dad had died suddenly what did she do? She phoned everyone she knew to tell them while we were stood there amazed. She told everyone her life was over, she'd lost her right arm. She didn't once try to comfort her own daughter. She was a disgrace as a mother and grandmother.

When she died my mum said she felt as though a great weight had been lifted from her. My uncle (the carer) who I cannot remember speaking to me ever has started talking and smiling, modernising the house they shared. They are all slowly realising what an evil old woman she was.

Sorry, but what I'm trying to say is I've seen what it does to people having a mother with emotional problems and even though they are your mother they do not own you. You have a family and life of your own please try to remember that and try to be happy.

Big squeezes to you.............

Thanks Pfer Your grandmother sounds dreadful! My mother will be EXACTLY like that when she's old. The trouble is, even when you know you are being played for a fool, there is always that chance that she will kill herself. For some reason I can't just cut her off, it feels cruel. CBT sounds good, I know it has a really good reputation for this sort of thing - I'll have to talk to DH about it (it'll be expensive, and I don't have anyone to babysit, but I'm sure we can work something out - he is sick of this too). At least I would be doing something practical to get out of this horrible rut, even if it just helps me cope with her better.

if you go private hopefully you can find someone who does early evening sessions - say 5 pm/6pm ish so maybe that would be easier to organise DH for the childcare? private CBT will prob cost between 35 and 50 pounds for an hour.

Thanks MTS - that might be a bit out of our range atm but I'll talk to DH about it.

35-50 is for CBT with a clinical psychologist. counsellor might well be cheaper than that. cbt tends to be quite time limited and focussed - say 12 sessions or so - it doesn't drag on like traditional analysis. is your HV any good? if so she might be able to help or at least give you an idea of anything that might be available locally that's on the NHS or free.

My HV is a hopeless drip but my GP is quite affable, if I can get him to listen to me. I think I will at least make an appointment and talk to him. It can't hurt.

Hi MOM,
I don't know if this thread is still alive, but I hope you have been able to see someone, or make an appointment. I have a lot of sympathy for your relationship with your Mum, I have a strained relationship with mine, and my sister is estranged from her and my grandmother.

2 ideas I wanted to share with you. Firstly, there is a really strong social expectation that daughters should have a warm supportive ongoing relationship with there mothers. This is built on a "ideal" that mothers are devoted, loving and self-sacrificing...but it's not always the case. But the dialogue in your head and expectations are that daughters should reciprocate regardless.

Secondly, a few posters have mentioned her controlling behaviour towards you. I wonder, because she takes up a lot of your time and energy - has she taken up all the space where friends who can support you should be? I'm glad you are getting support from mumsnetters.

After years of trying to solve the problem myself, I am seeing a psycologist, and my mother is a key reason for going. It's a tricky one and there is no magic answer, but I guess it's going to involve a change in how you response and deal with her. Good luck and hugs.