Suggestions please - simple things depressed DP could do to make himself feel better

[Grockle]

He's struggling & I've lost patience

I'm trying to think of very little things he could do to help himself. So far, I have

Make a cup of tea for his mum (he's there tonight)
Have a bath
Have a shave
Kiss the DC

What else?

All these are great for when he is better. But he literally cannot stay awake for more than about 30 minutes. Honestly, it's ridiculous. Everything exhausts him, he can barely speak so cleaning out the rabbits or taking DC to school is a big task for him.

They've done blood tests today.

OK, maybe not a dog then. Is the mental health team contact a psychiatry referral? I've not been medicated yet but the reason for this is my GP referring me for appointments with the psychiatry service. As the Community Mental Health Nurse said to me today, medicating ADs is an art not a practice. I've found them waaaay better to deal with than the GP.

Our PCT did fitness referrals to the council leisure centres. Part of the treatment was to have a 1:1 with a personal trainer from the gym once a week for a period of time.

Hey, look after you too, Grockle.

Sally Brampton loves her garden, she's had periods of deep depression, her book, 'Shoot the damn dog' is a good read as well. Sorry if I'm being too simplistic.

Oh boy, what a strain for you. Sorry about the x post there, not meant to be insensitive.

has he had any CBT - or there is a good book - CBT for dummies - which has loads of self help ideas - can really help to shift things

I found a very basic week planner a really help eg mon am - go for walk, pm see x

its important to do something - really anything - but of course not to much - if he could do say 3 things a day
have to say if not up to cooking or reading sounds like he is in quite a bad way and suggest go back to doctor

some kind of exercise makes a massive difference - cycling, running, swimming, gym - if he is up to it - if not at least a walk outside every day
growing something
Cleaning out cupboards also really great

No psychiatry referral. He does have the fitness referral and was talking about doing it before things got this bad. We did do a very simple weekly planner - his mental health nurse suggested it and I said 'I'll do a spreadsheet!' DP then decided 1 thing he'd do each morning & afternoon and I put it on the spreadsheet - his nurse laughed when DP showed him But he really is very bad now.

Thanks Berta & Betsy - between work, looking after DS and worrying about DP, it's all a bit difficult. I'll be ok. Perhaps I'll do some of the things mentioned here!

I don't really have time for me. I do try. I have recently spoken to my GP for some help, so maybe that'll help.

Really sorry, haven't had time to read whole thread but here are some practical things my psychiatrist suggested to me:

Write a timetable, laid out by half hour slots. Include getting up, showering, getting dressed...include a walk, it only has to be 10-15 mins. If there are things on the list he doesn't want to do, he still has to do them, including the time set to get up, even if he is feeling like that day is the worst day of his life. But once he's done something he finds a chore (mine was loading the dishwasher) he gets to put in a reward - eg cup of tea, biscuit, sit down.

I will go and look up the other things when i get a mo, but this one really worked for me and gave me a bit of a kickstart. However, I really wanted to get out the whole I was in. Do you think he wants to stop being depressed? I know that sounds like the daftest question in the world but sometimes it easier to stay down than try to pick yourself up.

Honestly Lucky... he says he doesn't want to feel like this and I believe him but he doesn't seem willing (or able but I think the willing is the problem) to do anything about it. He's so defeatest - if I suggest anything he just says 'I can't' or 'I tried and it didn't help'.

I've not actually seen him for a week so I don't even know why I'm bothering with this.

You poor thing . Look after yourself. What about growing something? In a pot inside at first? Cress, mint,daffs- a bit of nature to look after ? Wish you both luck.

I'm sorry Grockle, I didn't mean to offend, I think what I meant was, when at my worst, it was easier to sit and be depressed. I truly didn't want to be depressed but it was easier to be inert, iyswim. I can't imagine what it is like to be the partner of someone who is depressed. In fact my dh wobbled on the edge of that black hole himself when I started to come out of my very dark days (I was suicidal). You are bothering because you love him and you want the dp you fell in love with back. You said above he feels like he is achieved something when he shaves. He can put that on his timetable. It is important to start little. And to remember to stay in the moment. Do not look past the day you (he) are on.

I really think you are a lovely lovely dp to him for even trying to think of things that could help him, but remember, you deserve as much care and attention too, and that is so difficult to get from a depressed person. Its a horrible horrible illness.

There is also this book I have been using with a cd that he could listen to.

No Lucky, you didn't offend - I think you are spot on. It's much easier to dwell on it than to get up and fight - I know from experience. He's exactly how you describe and is waiting for someone/ something to magically fix him. It is a horrible, horrible illness. For all of us

I think I might buy some cress seeds tomorrow and do an egg-head thingy with DS.

I have the Mindfulness book too - it is good. Again with a CD - you do only have to lie there and let it wash over you. I am a book nut though - so if I have a problem I buy a book! (My tendency is procrastination if I don't keep a clear head.)

Try an ipad hypnosis app which all he has to do is to listen to. I don't think it will just magically lift (I wish it would though obviously!) but if all he has to do is listen ...... I collapsed with exhaustion after a long period of stress (slept for a week - seriously I was awake about 3 hours a day) and felt so ill everything felt rather hopeless. Anyway an 'energy / waking up refreshed' app worked for me and helped bring me round.

Also if you have lots of things going round your mind, then maybe he isn't sleeping too well either (or has a crap quality of sleep ifyswim), and his body clock is probably all stuffed up. So maybe a hypnosis track to sleep well at night might also help?

How about what he is eating - oily fish is good for depression and there are other foods - maybe that could be a 'task' for the day - sit and eat something which is nutrious together. Daylight is also good. So are funny films - if you make yourself behave as if you aren't depressed, then the mind will catch up apparently.

My mother gets depressed, and it isn't fun to see - but for her she lashes out and uses depression as an excuse. She hasn't changed in my lifetime, but that is because she blames external factors, rather than changing the way she sees the world. CBT can be lightbulb moment like, but I can't get her there. You really have my sympathy - probably why I came back on this thread.

And like the others have said - please don't forget YOU. It can be rather contagious living with someone who suffers.

Gawd that sounded like a mad brainstorm ...... good luck OP, still thinking of you.

Ohmygosh, it sounded like a great brainstorm. It is always good to hear others experiences. That book is good I agree and my cbt counsellor recommended something like it too.

Grockle, how long has he been like this? It is an illness I think that can take a long time to recover from. I have to constantly remind myself of this.

I am worried about you getting sucked into that vortex though. I know you are being incredibly supportive, but have you got something for yourself, away from him, that you can do for yourself? Even if it's sitting down with Grazia and a cup of tea and a huge choc biscuit?

Right, I saw him today - he didn't look good - unshaven and watching Jeremy Vile . We a very long and difficult conversation. I left saying we couldn't carry on as a couple as we had been. He knows I want him to get better and will support him but I said I can only do that if there is something to support - I need to see that he is trying to help himself. I don't know if I was too harsh but I am at the end of my tether. He knows I have struggled in the past too so I DO know how very difficult it is. Since I left this afternoon, he says he's shaved and been for a walk with DS1 and is going to start eating properly tomorrow. We'll see what happens...

I have been sort of sucked into the vortex but am desperately clinging to the top so I can climb back out before I get sucked right down to the depths - I'm doing ok - I had my hair cut this morning and am seeing friends later. They don't know how bad things have been but some of them know I've had a rough ride recently.

Thank you all for the support. This thread has really helped me. I am going to compile all the suggestions and print them out - so I can do some of those little things to make myself feel better too. Thank you for being so lovely.

Good luck grockle . You sound such a lovely person. Be kind to yourself.

Oh Grockle - my heart goes out to you. Very tough to keep on going with a depressed partner, when it's as bad as this - you sound lovely and I know how awful this can be.

Tiny tiny things to achieve for him - if you're depressed things like walking to the library to return your books are impossible, then there's the fines, and they are impossible and it all gets impossible - so it's really the tiny things - even self care, washing hair, etc just to keep going. Sometimes unloading the dishwasher or paying a bill or sending a form of some sort back is enough to make a day a good day. You are a strong person.

So Sorry to hear that you are struggling Grockle. Been there with DH who had bad depression 4 years ago. At his worst he would not leave the house and could barely get out of bed so a bath and a shave would have been a huge achievement.

Not much help with the horrible cold weather that we have at the moment but we found that him being outside helped hugely. His panic attacks were always worse indoors and he would run outside. Being outside calmed him down so he walked a lot. Even though it was February and really cold.

DS was only 10 months old when this started so he also spent time sitting on the floor building brick towers for him to knock down but it sounds as though your DC's are older. DH loves to read but he could not even manage a newspaper at his worst.

Any little interaction with the DC's helps and now that he is fully recovered, yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel the only bits that he remembers are the times spent with DS. Lots of cuddles.

I know how isolating it is being the "strong" one keeping everything going but just do one day at a time and you will get through.

Sending you Hugs. (( )) Hang in there.

Make him take vitamin D.