Suggestions please - simple things depressed DP could do to make himself feel better

[Grockle]

He's struggling & I've lost patience

I'm trying to think of very little things he could do to help himself. So far, I have

Make a cup of tea for his mum (he's there tonight)
Have a bath
Have a shave
Kiss the DC

What else?

I don't think men with depression are cheered by baths and shaves, Grockle-pampering tends to be a female thing. Although he might feel better if he looks better, IYSWIM.

Does he 'have depression', or is he feeling a bit down at the moment?

Apparently writing down three positive things each night is really effective in improving mood.( I don't have a source though.) E.g. I spent time with Mum, I had a nice bath, I kissed my DCs. Good luck.

Its not about cheering him up, its about doing tiny practical things that he would normally do without thinking about it... he is severely depressed and struggling to look after himself. So when he does have a bath/ shave, it makes him feel better because it is quite a big achievement. He feels cleaner and has done something.

Encourage any form of exercise. It really helps.

bit fresh air?possibly a walk.
my dp has depression and the bath thing helps him
eat fave meal/food
pastime enjoyed prevoiusly-pool/golf/music at local pub etc
spend time male friend
listen fave music

Thank you Lady - he used to do that when this all first started. When he's feeling a bit brighter, I'll get him to do that again. It was good for both of us. I might even do that myself.

I think he went for a walk this morning. Will remind him to do that tomorrow. He likes to read and bake but can't do either atm. Music is a good idea.

Can I recommend the book Feeling Good Handbook. I think there is a 10 day work book as well. I've only ever heard good things about it. I think that will have baby steps to help you come out of it. And I agree exercise helps. A friend walks for miles in the countryside when she feels the "black dog" coming on and that seems to help avert the problem. I think being round lots of people can sometimes make you feel worse, and reconnecting with nature can help.

www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1328039396&sr=8-2

Is there anything that is bugging him - like an unpaid bill, or a form to return - that is preying on his mind and seems big to him, but is actually quite small? Could you help him get it out of the way as that might give him a boost?

Good luck and he is lucky to have a caring partner like you.

Make him a playlist of happy songs on his mp3 player to listen to - eg. ones that'll remind him of good days in the past - ones from student days, party tunes, the sort of thing you'd sing along to on a night out or ones that are special to you two. This worked wonders for me (I am a bit of a music buff though). Ones with a faster beat are better. Even when I am feeling really shitty, I put this on and it can give me enough of a lift to do something, even if that something is fairly small (getting up, showering, walking to the corner shop). I can appreciate that your DP is less well than me at the moment, but for me, this is something that consistantly works, and wish someone had done it for me earlier.

Lots of things are worrying him and this has been a long period of bad depression. I'm not looking for a quick fix, just little things to help him get through and so that he has something he can do for himself.

On his better weeks, he works through a list of household chores and says he quite likes that because he can see what he's achieved. I think, at the moment, its about comfort stuff, so baths, short walks, music and makings lists of good things are perfect.

I'll look up the books, thank you. And make a playlist for his iPod.

Hi :

Daily walk
'Easy' reading (magazines or simple novel rather than hard news.)
Watching tv quizzes (Deal or No Deal / Pointless etc.)
Have shower or bath every day.
List of 3 practical relatively straight forward things to do each day (empty dishwasher / take recycling out / brush up leaves outside). Tick them off as achieved.
1 bit of measurable interaction with kids per day (eg. read them story. look through homework, play with lego)Again to be able to list as achievement.
Cut down on sugar/ alcohol etc.
Do breathing exercises to music he likes.

HTH

Kizzie

Sorry, grockle, I wasn't being dismissive.

I found that this helped me whe I was in the depths. It's a really simple mood tracking system. Just seeing the graph take shape over time shows that you are having better days and worse days, and the comments can help to pin point what you did on the 'better' days that made them better.

Thank you very much

Some kind of hobby. With DH it was playing guitar. He still plays nearly a year later and still goes to a lesson every week.
With me it was baking. I would put music on and make some cakes or cookies. Nothing fancy, but it helped.
The little things like a lovely sunrise as you open the curtains in the morning or looking through a memory box can lift your spirits too.

When he's through this patch, hobbies will be helpful. But for now, he can barely drag himself out of the front door without needing to go back to bed.

He used to like to bake - and we all like that too. I hope it won't be long before he can do that again.

I think I might make a little photo album of happy memories but I don't know if it might push him over the edge because he doesn't feel happy anymore. It's all so difficult.

Do something for someone else. The mind needs to have the focus wrenched away from itself. Maybe not ready for full on volunteering, but anything that is not about "you" is helpful. This sounds a bit harsh when someone is depressed, but it really does help. Maybe offer to weed elderly neighbour's garden for example?

We got a dog

It got my DH out of the house to walk said dog, which meant excercise, socalising with people who stopped to admire dog & dog to cuddle when feeling low.

I know, pharmgirl, I know, thank you. He's just so miserable, he won't. When he drags himself out of this dark hole where everything is impossible and hopeless, he will do stuff for other people - he loves doing things for me/ his parents usually. But he won't do it now. I'm trying to be patient, I really am!

A walk in a green space.

Starting something and finishing it, even if it's just a bit of washing up or flumping up the cushions on the sofa to make it look nice. Or making the bed...

Getting fully dressed.

Let me go away and think of more. I'm sure there are some. Like bizzieb33 we got a dog when I became well enough and he's been amazing. That complete, unconditional adoration and the lovely walks have been fab. I can hear his tail whacking the radiator in the hall as I turn my key in the lock and that's lovely.

Has he seen a doctor?

Grockle, this is so hard for you to deal with. Do you have some support for yourself? Time out of the house (for yourself, not just at work, I mean)?

It is so important to look after your own needs as well.

Yes, seen dr repeatedly - is on ADs (is on his 3rd different lot as nothing has helped), sees mental health team regularly (although not very often), pain psychologist (I think). Don't know what else there is. I don't know if this is a phase that will resolve itself or what.

I would love to get a dog. I think it would be good for all of us. But I work long hours and DP is away often.

regular exercise (either group or alone) has been shown to be as effective as antidepressants. Will have to look up the reference.

Of course if you are really depressed it can be hard to start an exercise programme - how fit it he now? WOuld he consider doing a couch to 5K programme (free podcasts from NHS)

How about the routine of looking after a pet? A fish would be very easy, if he is up to it something like a guinea pig, cat or rabbit may be more rewarding.
Also, what about a job as a paperboy or distributing your village magazine? Something with low pressure but a target. Or something gardening related?
I am sorry if my suggestions are way off the mark. All the best.

He's limited in how much he can exercise due to knee/ back problems but he does try to go for a walk every day. Today, he walked up the road to the GP and they had to drive him home