Is this PND again?

[EricNorthmansFangBanger]

For the past few months I have had varying symptoms of depression, though I see now that I have been denying it to myself.

I had my second DD at the end of June and at first everything was fine. As time has gone on I have become moodier, angrier, anxiety ridden and sad. I find myself getting irritated at the smallest thing and am ready to argue with my husband at the slightest thing. My DD2 is a great sleeper but I am still finding myself absolutely exhausted, so much so that I don't want to get up of a morning. Sometimes i find myself tossing and turning throughout the night and it feels like I've not slept. Over the past week I have been having some slightly unsettling thoughts that I have led me to take the Edinburgh test online today. I scored a 19.

My DH has had depression for a number of years and is on and off his medication. We are both at university. I had to take a year out due to the pregnancy and he had to suspend a year due to none attendance which was caused by his depression. Getting him to attend his classes this year is starting to become a problem. We argue over every little thing. Money is a problem and problems with the house are also currently stressing me out. I feel like I want to run away from everything but don't want to leave my girls.

The other day I was looking at the canal by university and had thoughts of throwing myself in. I have had thoughts of self harm but only haven't done it because I'm too scared to. I think my girls would be better off without me, they deserve a mum who is happy and doesn't get angry for no reason. Who has plenty if energy and who doesn't just want to curl up and sleep.

I'm really scared to admit to how I'm feeling. DH is the one with depression - I should be coping. I need to be stronger. I don't know what to do and things just keep piling up. Rows with DH are getting more and more frequent. I just don't know here to turn.

Sorry for the typos :(

I think so

I just came on looking for advice as I am starting to feel like I am sinking into depression. I also scored 19 on the test and then I saw your message. My lo is 3 months old and I have 2 older kids. Never
Had pnd, but was successfully treated for depression 14 years ago.

What do we do now? I'm crying my eyes out nursing my beautiful boy thinking why aren't I happy? I'm so lucky. I don't know what to do.

Yes you sound depressed, and yes it's likely that if you had pnd last time that this is what's likely is happening again. Your dh does not have a monopoly on depression.

You need to make an appointment with the GP in the morning and get hooked back into the support network they can offer. And if you get to the point where you feel you might harm yourself you need to call the Samaritans, or take yourself to A&E if you feel really bad.

Sweetheart, you are ill, and, as I'm sure you know only too well, feelings of helplessness, of not being worthy, of not having permission to be ill, are all symptoms of the illness. Be kind to yourself and talk to someone.

Lovely ladies, as someone who had pnd last year - you need to confide in your GPs and your HVs. They will help you access the support you need. You also need the support of your loved ones - so you need to tell them too.

And unmumsnetty ((((((hugs))))))) to you both. With the right help you will both be feeling miles better soon x

eric I hope you don't mind me joining your thread like that.

gin I don't have a gp. I'm in Canada and don't have a family dr. But there is a mom & baby group tomorrow with a public health nurse. Not private as its a group setting but maybe she's a good place to start.

Jnice, that sounds like an excellent place to start. Can you also talk to your partner?

Jnice - I am really sorry that you are feeling like this too. I usually lurk on MN a lot and one thing I've seen is the support that all of these lovely ladies give. I wish people didn't have to feel like this.

Gincognito - thank you so much for your post. I know I need to see a doctor, but I'm just so scared. Last time I moved just after I was diagnosed with a score of 14 and kind of just ignored it all. Didn't mention it to my new doctor and got to a point where I felt okish. I'm scared of people knowing that I get like this. Scared of the idea of taking anti-depressants. I don't want my family to know that this is how I feel. I don't really have many friends, more like acquaintances...the only person I have to talk to is my DH.

Of course I don't mind Jnice

Ah but Eric, these feelings are all a part of your illness - your know that. Feeling trapped, feeling scared, feeling you have no one to confide in. Just one conversation will help start breaking that spell.

Thank you both - I feel comforted by your messages. I found out about a support group/charity here and called them up. Spent about half an hour talking to a counselor on the phone. They have group support sessions. I think I will try this approach. I took AD's for 18 months and had a hard time coming off them. I want to avoid that if possible.

Is there something like this back in the uk?

Not funded by the NHS, I don't think but you can find group therapy through charities and such like. I'm in the USA and after a BAD summer I ended up in an intensive outpatient program which was centered around group therapy. It was really good and very helpful.

And EricNorthMan, please please go and see your GP, you have nothing to be ashamed of, if you had a broken leg, you would get it fixed. Mental illness is just as real as physical ailments.

frida sounds like group therapy would be good. I'm just afraid of crying because when I start it feels like I can't stop. When reading eric's message I cried buckets. I don't know if I can handle a lot of sad stories. Is it helpful to hear others experiences?

frida - I have made an appointment to see a doctor today, I'm hoping that I will be able to actually talk about how I'm feeling. I nearly didnt ring but then I thought about it and I need to do this for my girls. I've been steadily getting worse and some days it takes all my strength to not just breakdown.

Jnice - I am very glad you are going to get some help. I'd like to say don't be scared of crying, I'm worrying about the very same thing right now but we need to try and remember that we need to do this for ourselves and our DCs. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you keep coming on here and talking to these lovely ladies

Hi all - theres excellent advice here but as someone who had PND and had anxiety/depression at different times I just wanted to add - please, please dont feel ashamed re what you are going through. All the things you describe are a symptom of the illness.
I know exactly how you feel because i have been there myself (it has been recurring for me).

But you CAN get better and life can be so much easier.
I couldnt give a shit whether its unmumsnetty or not - sending you lots of love and hope you get the help you deserve very soon. x

EricNorthMan, well done. I hope it goes/has gone well. Jnice I suppose emotionally I was quite together whilst I did the group therapy but if someone else's experiences make you sad then there is nothing wrong with crying as a response. If the group you are in is working for you (and hopefully it will!) Then you will be in an enviroment where strong emotions are supported and validated.
The first time I reached out for help (coming up on five years ago now) I could barely get the words out for sobbing.

eric I hope your dr trip wasn't too stressful and that you got the support you needed. I wish you all the best - it must be so hard going through this when your DH is also suffering.

I am feeling strangely ok today after a terrible nights sleep. Im upbeat and starting to wonder if I'm imagining it all. Then started to panic that I am bipolar. I kind of feel like an imposter. Does this make any sense to anyone? I will go to the drop-in dr clinic and get a referral but I really feel like I'm wasting people's time today.

Thank you frida & kizzie

If you are having really low days on a consistent basis, then you are not wasting anyones time. Get thee to a doctor!

Feel bad again now. Just one small thing sets me off - usually baby crying. Am waiting at the drop in clinic. 90 mins and counting.

Not leaving without a referral.

I hope you got the referral and ouch! At the ninety minutes of waiting.

The dr was very nice. Gave me the referral to reproductive mental health at the women's hospital. He said it can take a while and asked me to call at the end of the week plus call or go in if things get worse.

Excellent. Well done x

eric I have been wondering how you got on, did the dr help? Hope you are doing ok.