Sorry this is so long - I want to get it all down so I can get it clear in my head.
Off citalopram since last April after 3 years. It took ages to get clear of all the shitty symptoms but was doing OK. But depression is creeping back - had a meltdown last night and can't stop crying today.
Thing is I know the depression is a symptom of something else. I am utterly exhausted and without energy. Started a few years back. All of a sudden I couldn't run the distances I had been running, just was too tired. I persisted for ages thinking that if I just got on with it I'd run through it. After about 6m of this I started to let myself run less, and then less again. Then I allowed 'injuries' to be my excuse to stop something that I had loved but which know was just a painful depressing slog. I was always tired, slept all the time, looked like a deaths' head with huge bags under my eyes. No energy to do the things I used to do without a second thought. I put on tonnes of weight.
Menopause, I thought - I has been perimenopausal for a while but thought that maybe HRT would help. It did get rid of the nightsweats and hot flushes but did nothing for the energy levels. GP asked if I needed my citalopram levels changed. I wasn't depressed. I knew what that felt like and I wasn't there.
Come off citalopram? When I first started taking it I noticed how much I slowed down - which was what I needed at the time. Maybe coming off it would help.
Thyroid? TSH is normal according to uK measurements. As is everything else. GP asked if I was sure I wasn't depressed. I wasn't depressed. I knew what that felt like and I wasn't there. I was going to ask them to do further tests as in the US my levels would have registed as abnormal but TBH I can't face the hassle.
My life has shrunk to the essentials. Work, kids, housework. DH was out last wed night. The boys were rampaging round the house at 11pm because I simply couldn't summon the energy to get up and make them go to bed. My marriage is at breaking point because I have no time or energy for DH. I don't run because I can't. I don't go out because I am too tired. I am a waste of space. I wish my family had someone better. They deserve someone better.
3m down the line and guess what? I am depressed. But I am depressed because I feel like death warmed up and no-one can tell me why. I don't feel ill because I am depressed. I don't feel like I felt when I went on citalopram in the first place (I was anxious rather than depressed) but maybe it will work just as well.
So I am giving in and doing what the GPs seem to want me to do. It's just easier.
Sorry about the self-pity.