Mrs M.
I have been following your story for a while now. I have never posted on one of the relationship threads before because I usually dont know what to say.
I just wanted to drop a line to let you know that there are many people on this board who care and can probably say things much better than I can. but we know you can do this you, are strong. At the moment though you sound emotionally winded, battered and down.
The drink doesnt help and you know it, so choose one day and go without see if you feel better the next day.
I have some personal experience of depression so I know how hard it can be when you look at the height of the mountain you have to climb.
I just want to say SMALL STEPS.
Depression colors your judgement it saps your ability to see the good you do, it makes you dwell on the bad, it robs you of your ability to be objective about your worth - just like a cold robs you of your sense of smell.
Of course your h(sic) is being an arse, its the only weapon he has had since you took his power away.
The more you crave his emotion the more he pulls back. Focusing on this obscures the good things you've acheived to date. It's so hard not to be obsessional about these things and allow them to consume you. the AD's should help you to push the torrent of thoughts to a quieter corner soon.
Meantime one day at a time.
you cannot fix it all tommorrow, so you fix the little things one at a time, something you unconsiously do makes your child smile. Fixing them makes you feel a tiny bit better,and gives you confidence to fix the next thing and so on.
There will be setbacks, that's life. prepare for them expect them, lift your face from the floor spit out the mud, stand and take another step.
one step at a time.
It will get better. You can do this.
hopefully someone else will be along soon to put things a little more eloquently.